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Original poster

So stressed and overwhelmed please help

36 replies

Squirrelontheroof · 27/12/2020 10:18

Feeling just beside myself now and need some support. I live with DH and 5 yo DS and I currently work from home 3.5 days a week. My mum (57) has just been diagnosed with a chronic health condition which means she's unlikely to be able to work and needs support and care. There are no other family members who can do this. There is little support or understanding about the health condition in question. While my son is at school I cannot see my mother as I cannot risk giving her covid. If I withdraw my son from school to home educate him and care for my mother I feel I would be letting him down. I could still work as my work is flexible and can be done early mornings and evenings etc but I would be stretched. Mum is 40 mins drive away from me and I cannot drive - I was learning but all stopped due to the pandemic. So my husband would have to drive me and my son there and back at the start and end of each week (mums partner is there at weekends but cannot live there permanently as he is carer to his elderly mother in a different part of the country). Mum cant come and stay with us as we only have a little flat which we were trying to sell but the London Market for flats has died completely and we haven't got enough equity to let it out either.

I am feeling desperate and pulled in a million different directions. I have just spent half an hour sobbing and sobbing in the shower. I feel like a shit mum, a shit wife, a shit daughter and a shit employee all at once.

OP posts:

HermioneMakepeace · 27/12/2020 10:20

You’ve got a lot on your plate, OP. I am in a similar position. Try to put the guilt aside and plan how to manage the logistics.

Chamomileteaplease · 27/12/2020 10:22

There are no other family members who can do this

But nor can you! You are also someone who cannot help her.

It is sad but you have too much on your plate already.

Your mum is only 57 years old and she has a partner. She needs to sort out her own help and support. She needs to find out about carers and whatever else help is out there.

There are 100 reasons why you are not in a position to help her. You can be a supportive daughter from a distance but if you don't sacrifice yourself you can still be a great wife, employee and most importantly, mother.

Chamomileteaplease · 27/12/2020 10:23

PS Put your child before your mother. Hopefully this is what she would want anyway.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Champagneforeveryone · 27/12/2020 10:46

You say she's just recently been diagnosed? It also seems she didn't require this level of support prior to her diagnosis, so is it possible she also doesn't require it yet?

I think it's easy to get bogged down thinking she will need a certain level of care, which she may do in the future but may not in the here and now. And as a mother I would be mortified if my child was pulling themselves in a hundred different directions on my behalf.

Original poster

Squirrelontheroof · 27/12/2020 10:59

I cant have random carers coming in and looking after my mum. I just can't.

Shes also very close to my son and he gets really upset when he doesnt see her. He was so unhappy during lockdown one when we couldn't go round.

OP posts:

Original poster

Squirrelontheroof · 27/12/2020 10:59

And there is no other help out there, we have looked. Because she can wash and dress herself and walk she qualifies for nothing.

OP posts:

LIZS · 27/12/2020 11:02

What dies she need help with? She is young , has she friends or neighbours who can check in. It is really up to her and her partner to sort, not you take on. If they have to pay a carer so be it.

Original poster

Squirrelontheroof · 27/12/2020 11:04

She has a chronic autoimmune condition which means she is very fatigued and cannot manage things like going upstairs or cleaning, and she also has persistent severe allergic reactions so cannot be left alone.

Her partner cannot help except at weekends as is himself a carer

She is also very emotionally fragile

OP posts:

Original poster

Squirrelontheroof · 27/12/2020 11:04

I dont think she would emotionally cope with a stranger caring for her is my point

OP posts:

ScrapThatThen · 27/12/2020 11:06

OP, you are not superwoman. Your son needs routine, stability and education. He is entirely dependent on you and your dh and you must put him first. You have a job and not doing this well will be disastrous. The pandemic means limiting your contact with other households. I think you should help your mum by helping her self refer to social care, get assessed for the help that she needs, apply for benefits she is eligible for and sort out online shopping and someone to clean once benefits are in place. You can visit outdoors at weekends currently. It will be hideous and hard for a while but there is no point in taking on everything because its not sustainable and you will burn out. If you do more, set a time limit on it. If your mum loves you she will accept the limitations of what you can do. Think long term and don't make any rash decisions.

SlippersForFlippers · 27/12/2020 11:07

In relation to the allergies during in the week what has she been doing then?

For cleaning could she get a cleaner in? For main meals could she get one of the delivery companies to send them to her then she just needs to heat up?!

beautifulclouds · 27/12/2020 11:11

@Chamomileteaplease

There are no other family members who can do this

But nor can you! You are also someone who cannot help her.

It is sad but you have too much on your plate already.

Your mum is only 57 years old and she has a partner. She needs to sort out her own help and support. She needs to find out about carers and whatever else help is out there.

I agree with this. YWBVU to pull your child out of school for this.

Chamomileteaplease · 27/12/2020 11:13

I dont think she would emotionally cope with a stranger caring for her is my point

and you wouldn't emotionally cope if you had to do it.

You are getting some great advice from this thread, I really hope you listen to it.

You need to give yourself the oxygen first, if you are to help others.

EduCated · 27/12/2020 11:14

What would you be doing when you go round? I know the idea of strangers going in feels unpleasant, but don’t dismiss it out of hand.

A different situation, but my grandpa has caters from a small company going in to him daily. We have quickly come to know them and they are not strangers anymore.

From what you’ve said, it wouldn’t be personal care, at least not at this point? Would having a cleaner go in not be a sensible start? At the very least make the most of the time you spend with her, you don’t need to be running the hoover round whilst you’re there.

Also if stairs are an issue, it sounds like considering a move would be sensible? Could she move nearer to you? They’re big questions and not simple answers, but it is not down to you to try and keep your mums life exactly as it is now whilst completely upending yours. There’s going to need to be changes on all parts.

Zoflorabore · 27/12/2020 11:15

Op I mean this kindly but you must put your child and yourself first. You are no use if you’re in a state yourself.

Your little boy is 5. He needs to be in school and have a normal childhood. What on earth would he do all day every day? It’s not fair. You wouldn’t exactly be home schooling him because he will essentially be taken away from everything he knows to go and enable you to provide care for your mum.

I’m very sorry but she isn’t your responsibility. Your son is.

I have a chronic health condition, I actually have more than 1 and also MH issues. I’m 15 years younger than your mum and I have 2 dc, one has Aspergers and one has ADHD. We get no help from anyone at all and just get on with things. Some days are better than others and although I have a dp, he has always worked ( until last Monday when he got sacked ) and we muddle along.

You can call Adult social services and ask for a needs assessment. It doesn’t matter if your mum isn’t getting PIP or whatever, if you feel that you need to remove your son from school and pretty much move in with her then she must be quite bad.

Please think about this. Your child needs you more. I wish your mum well and hope it all works out for you as a family

NotSure94 · 27/12/2020 11:16

There are no perfect solutions here. That's the first thing to accept. Whatever you do will take something you dont want to give. Its crap but there isnt a way around that. That is the situation. Looking at it objectively your mum organising cleaners/deliveries or carers for herself or you helping set this up means your sons life isnt disrupted by losing his friends and being on long drives each week to spend time with adults not children his own age. I'd say he has to come first. Also homeschooling isn't going to be practical with working part time.

formerbabe · 27/12/2020 11:17

Sorry it sounds really difficult. Like a pp said,I think you need to prioritize your dc. You cannot pull him out of school because of this. Whilst it's sad he can't see her, there's lots of kids and grandparents in the same boat right now.

On a practical level, can you organise a cleaner? The place can't get that dirty anyway if it's just here there most of the time. Once a week or fortnight would be enough I'd imagine. Also organising food deliveries for her, perhaps those ready made meal delivery services aimed at the elderly.

midgebabe · 27/12/2020 11:19

Get a regular cleaner in

Can you rearrange her house so she can live on one level or get a stair lift ?

LIZS · 27/12/2020 11:21

You won't be able to homeschool and care for her full time anyway. They need to set things up at home so she can manage with minimal care. Food delivery service like Wiltshire Farm Foods for weekdays. Bed downstairs if stairs an issue or a stairlift(community care team can organise mobility support and ot if gp or hospital refers). Agree with a cleaner, perhaps they could shop too. Does she even want you to be her carer? Presumably she has the mental capacity to make decisions herself.

NoSquirrels · 27/12/2020 11:22

Right. Fundamentally I agree with PPs that you are not in a position to manage this for your mum. However, sometimes we need to explore all the options properly.

When you say you can’t let out your flat because not enough equity, what do you mean? Do you mean the rent you’d receive won’t cover the mortgage, or do you mean the mortgage terms will not allow it?

How much negative equity are you in? Does your mum have any savings she could use to help you address the housing situation and move closer to her? Can she move closer to you instead? (If not, why not?)

Can your DH take your DS to school and can you arrange after school care on 3 days a week, so that you can see your mum e.g. Tues-Thurs? What can you do about transport to achieve this - public transport, resume driving lessons - an intensive course? For this you need to understand your DS won’t be able to see your mum.

There is probably no ideal solution but there will be a least worse option.

EckhartLolly · 27/12/2020 11:24

OP you need to recognise that you cannot do everything. You shouldn't expect your partner to drive you over to your mother's every day, nor should you pull your child out of school unless its the best thing for your child, not for your mother. I know its heart breaking but there are some things in life that you cannot fix. You will make yourself ill by expecting to be able to care for your mum yourself. You are understandably distressed and not thinking straight because you're overwhelmed . Please just take a breath and get some support from your partner to work out what you are able to do. It needs to be sustainable and not have such a massive impact on your child, or your partner either. Good luck

Numbersarefun · 27/12/2020 11:26

OP - please take a deep breath. You may be in shock over the diagnosis and you’ve probably had a few hectic Christmas days. Give yourself sometime to grove/ calm down etc. If she is newly diagnosed, she is unlikely to be any worse today than she was last week and I’m guessing she was managing then, so you have time to consider different scenarios.
It’s amazing how things can fall into place.

NoSquirrels · 27/12/2020 11:28

And I’m so sorry, OP . It’s absolutely awful to feel like this, I know.

What you haven’t said is how your mum is feeling about this and what she would want. What does she say? If the diagnosis is recent but the symptoms are not, you’ve been muddling through up til now and now you know what’s the cause although it feels awful, bloody awful, it does mean there’s a chance to plan properly. And it doesn’t have to be in a rush.

The pandemic will ease. The property market will pick up. The diagnosis shock will wear off and your mum (and you) will come to accept services and cleaners are not strangers.

Don’t make decisions in haste.

Big unMNetty hugs to you.

zenasfuck · 27/12/2020 11:30

Are you panicking about issues that may only come to light longer term?

What exactly has she been diagnosed with - some of us may have experience of the same illness and can advise

How have her care needs changed from pre diagnosis ?

VimFuego101 · 27/12/2020 11:34

Your son needs to be your priority. As a previous poster said, you'd be hugely disrupting his life to do this, not to mention whether you could hold down a job and the financial burden that would place on your partner. Think about what you can safely and reasonably offer to do, and then help your mum to get the additional support that she needs, whether that be carers or her partner or other family assisting.

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