So stressed and overwhelmed please help

[Squirrelontheroof]

Feeling just beside myself now and need some support. I live with DH and 5 yo DS and I currently work from home 3.5 days a week. My mum (57) has just been diagnosed with a chronic health condition which means she's unlikely to be able to work and needs support and care. There are no other family members who can do this. There is little support or understanding about the health condition in question. While my son is at school I cannot see my mother as I cannot risk giving her covid. If I withdraw my son from school to home educate him and care for my mother I feel I would be letting him down. I could still work as my work is flexible and can be done early mornings and evenings etc but I would be stretched. Mum is 40 mins drive away from me and I cannot drive - I was learning but all stopped due to the pandemic. So my husband would have to drive me and my son there and back at the start and end of each week (mums partner is there at weekends but cannot live there permanently as he is carer to his elderly mother in a different part of the country). Mum cant come and stay with us as we only have a little flat which we were trying to sell but the London Market for flats has died completely and we haven't got enough equity to let it out either.

I am feeling desperate and pulled in a million different directions. I have just spent half an hour sobbing and sobbing in the shower. I feel like a shit mum, a shit wife, a shit daughter and a shit employee all at once.

It's not that easy home schooling a five year old. He will need a lot of your attention. Also, home schooling doesn't mean staying at home all the time (in non pandemic times any way). Most home schoolers go to groups and classes so their children can mix with their peers and access different expertise and materials. So it might be you end up still split between your mum and your son's needs, but without school to take some of the pressure off.

OP it’s a shock when a parent gets a diagnosis and our first reaction is to try and rush in to fix things for them. Your Mum has a chronic condition. with good care she should be able to live with it for many years to come. This means you are heading into a marathon not a sprint. You need to take a breath as whatever you offer of yourself now will be required for many years to come and I’d suggest have a chat with both her and her partner and your own partner before rushing to make plans for changes in your or her life styles. Don’t exclude either her partner or yours when talking about the future. Realistically you, as her only child, need to target your time for what only you can do ie give her emotional support. Other more practical things like caring can be left to others. You mention that her own partner is a carer - this is great as they will be able to do loads. what are they suggesting will be helpful? They should be in a great position to know the adaptations required in the home etc.

What does your mum want? What does your mum need right now?

As other posters have said, your mum is an adult & has the ability to organise what she needs. You can help and of course you want to do as much as you can, she's your mum. However, what you do now will set a precedent - if you organise everything, rearrange everything in your life to care for your mum you will be expected to do so in the future and that gives you no room for manoeuvre if something in your life changes.

Your mum has to come to terms with her condition and that will take time, you should also give yourself time to do the same. It sounds like changes need to be made in your mum's life and it doesn't help anyone to say things like she won't be able to cope with carers / strangers in her home.

I know it's difficult & emotional but you can get through this without turning your own life upside down.

You can't pull your ds out of school and keep him at home all the time, and away from his other parent 5 days a week to provide care for your dm. You just can't. It would be hugely unfair and detrimental to him.

I agree with the pp who says that you are also a family member who can't provide the care your dm needs, for this reason.

I think you need to talk to adult social care about what they can provide, and also look at helping your dm to make changes to the house. I know it seems like she will be looked after by strangers but she will get to know them.

Sorry but you put your family first. There is plenty of help available for your mother, you could pay for a regular cleaner, your mother would then be able to build up a relationship with them. You can pay for carers if required, often they will send the same ones

Is she in a house? Could she move to a bungalow or flats so there are no stairs?

You need to look at other options that can help her rather than assume you have to do it. It is unfair on your son to home educate him, and ensure that he only ever sees you and his grandmother. He needs to be able to form friendships. School is the best place for him, not stuck with two adults who can’t give him the time he needs

What about assisted accommodation? Ie you have your own house/flat but there's carers on site who can help when needed? I know they're usually older people but I'm sure there must be something that cares for people like your mum

OP I am pretty much the same age as your mum and there is no way I would expect my child to give up their life to care for me, or prioritise my well-being over my grandchild's.

Is your mum honestly expecting you to do this?

OP, what medical support is your mum being given? I have a chronic auto-immune disease and at diagnosis I was literally crawling up the stairs, i was in so much pain, but as a single working parent I had to just push through. Once I was put on steroids the difference was unbelievable. Your mums condition may be controllable with steroids or similar, so may not be as bleak as you think at present.

Think about it using the rule of 10... if you take your son out of school how will you feel about it in 10 days, 10 weeks, 10 months...and 10 years. At the moment you are just focussing on the here and now but with a child you need to think further ahead. He will be 15 in ten years. What would you want him to have experienced, learned, what opportunities do you want for him?

Then do the same for your mum.

Other pps have made good points about carers coming in, they soon stop being strangers, and they are professional carers, are you? Can you really give her the care she needs at the cost of your son's education and social needs?

She’s 57.
She has her own partner.

Get a cleaner, get a stairlift / get her to move house and come up with a plan for the next 40 years.

Op . I am the same age as your mum. If I became unwell I would absolutely hate either of my dc to put their life on hold to look after me. Esp if they had a wee one at home. It would probably make me feel even worse about being unwell.
Your mum needs a long term solution and might need to explore outside help.
Caring for someone at the detriment of your own needs and family is very hard to maintain in the long term- no matter how much you love that person or how well intentioned you are. . What your mum needs is a lovely caring relationship with you - not one burdened by stress .