Years of sleep deprivation on mental health

[Isitnormalornot2]

I’m just writing in the hopes of finding other people who have had the same experience. I have 3 dcs, absolutely adored children and loved.
Pre children I loved sleeping, it was like a hobby! My first dc was a pretty standard sleeper , breastfed baby who woke once or twice a night until 12 months and then slept through.
My second dc did.not.sleep.
for 4 years.
Yes.... He woke every 45 mins for four years screaming and screaming and screaming . We tried absolutely everything and consistently (allergy testing , blood tests , osteopathic sessions, sleeping with us , sleeping alone, sleep training, different room temps, holding him all night, not holding him, pain relief, dropping naps , nothing worked at all, not even remotely etc etc) eventually he slept through randomly at 4. He has severe reflux which absolutely did not get better at 6 months, with food etc in fact at 6 he still has reflux. It’s only recently at 6 years old where we can see gaviscon makes a huge difference as without it he’d still wake screaming and choking maybe a few times a week, that’s all stopped with using it. I got 3/4 hours broken sleep for years and years.....I ended up never being able to sleep naturally as my body co9, I knew I would be woken constantly so I couldn’t fall into a deep sleep.
I had a 3rd dc who was in no way as bad sleep wise as my 2nd but still woke a lot in phases until 3.
The lack of sleep has stopped since last May (2020) which is amazing but I can’t get over how I don’t feel better. I now find it hard to go to sleep as my body is so used to waking up and I just feel strange like so on edge all the time.
I feel like the last few years has left me totally numb. I don’t enjoy much and feel like shit even when I get a full night sleep. I’ve had bloods done recently and all ok. I miss the days where I could sleep like a log and wake up refreshed. I never want to get up. Even when I sleep 7/8 hours straight I feel better but still on edge a lot. Does anyone else relate?
I always feel like it’s only mothers of newborns who get sympathy with lack of sleep whereas in reality it can go on years..

You poor thing, that sounds horrendous.

After three DC who were pretty rubbish sleepers (although not to the same degree) I still don't sleep as well as I did even though it has been a good six years since we had regular night wakings. I wake up to every tiny sound. It probably won't be that long until I am awake worrying listening for a teenager coming home!

How old are you OP? I'm 44 and I'm sure that my crappy sleep is compounded by perimenopause.

I don’t have an answer I’m afraid just here in sympathy. My oldest (going to school this coming year) is a terrible sleeper and it’s been that way for two years now. Up screaming several times a night, up for the day every day between 4:30-5:30. Like you we’ve tried everything. Ev-ery-thing. I’m just now trying to survive and hoping it passes.

One of the biggest struggles for me is how flat I feel, and how little joy I feel there is in anything anymore. I’m not depressed, I’m just chronically exhausted. My own sleep is now terrible. I lie awake for hours at bedtime, and if I wake through the night (younger baby) I often get back over. I sometimes feel I will never feel light and happy and rested again.

You’re so so right about people not seeing how hard it is when you have an older non sleeper over a sustained period. Both my newborns were a walk in the park compared to this and neither were particularly ‘easy’.

💐

Thanks for your replies , this is the thing , it’s like everyone assumes parents are just sleep deprived with newborns..
I still don’t feel right after years of waking and don’t know if I ever will.

I sympathise and I've only(!) had about 18 months of sleep deprivation - DS has been a shit sleeper since he was about 3 or 4 months old (and it's not getting any better). Totally agree that everyone expects the sleep deprivation to stop after the newborn period, work colleagues and family are all totally shocked if I ever mention anything about how crap my nights still are. It is exhausting in every sense of the word so I really feel for you OP.

Sorry to hear about your problems @Candycats, yes I remember my friends being shocked I was still getting up with a 2 year old. Everytime I hear “oh after the sleepless nights of the first 6 months it gets so much easier”
I always cringe a bit as it’s never got easier for me

I felt the same OP, my DD didn't sleep through the night until she was 3 and a half and I'd got so used to waking up I was still doing it even when she slept through. I'm also a very light sleeper and everything would wake me up, and then I'd find it very difficult to get back to sleep. The only thing that has helped me is taking mirtazapine. It helps me get to sleep and get a good block of sleep. I do find that I dream a lot in the early morning, probably when noises out in the road disturb me and I go into a lighter sleep, but it's so much better than it was.

My two favourite regular colleague comments are ‘oh I just couldn’t have that’ (sleep deprived me is too sensitive not to let the implied criticism needle me) or ‘god I don’t know how you do it, I couldn’t’ (Yup, it’s utterly shit. I’m aware. Thanks).

I try not to talk about sleep anymore as the answers and well meant tips annoy me too much.

I’m with you on this one. I have an almost 5 year old who my husband still goes into at times and a 2.5 year old who is going through a very unsettled stage at the moment. I usually end up bringing her in bed with me and kicking my husband out much to his grumpiness. I’m so tired all the time! I keep thinking one day it will get better, but when ? Over 5 years of broken sleep now. Both my children were breastfed and woke so frequently it nearly killed me.

And yes to the colleagues total shock that your children still don’t sleep. Nor childless ones either!

Look into trying Melatonin, it's widely used in America but has to be prescribed in the uk but you can get it from I herb I think but you pay import costs

I had about 5 years of sleeplessness over the two DC. Thankfully it massively improved from about December 2019. But I think it took about 9 months for me to stop feeling totally exhausted. I still don't sleep as well as before- I struggle to fall asleep and wake at the slightest noise. Totally agree that the exhaustion of sleep deprivation of older children is overlooked- especially as you usually have work to juggle and compound it!

I haven't had a full night's sleep since 2015 due to kids. I empathize with the feeling of being joyless because I'm always tired. It's affected my memory but mostly my enthusiasm for life.

I can relate OP.

I've got 3 crap sleepers, my 3&5 year olds were up several times last night, same as always. I'm like a zombie through the day. I don't have the energy left for anything else, even watching a film is too much sometimes.

My eldest started to sleep through at 3 (I had a year before DC2 arrived) but I never got a good night's sleep as I was always waiting for him to wake. No suggestions but your not alone in not getting back to pre-kids sleep, my DM claims she still doesn't sleep well and often resorts to tablets.

Yeah, mine are teen/pre-teen now but I never fully recovered from the sleep deprivation and exhaustion and don't think I ever will. Damaged my memory in particular. Often have trouble finding words when I'm speaking. I feel like I blew fuses which can't be replaced. I'm much happier nowadays, mental health ok again, but some bit of brain are fried.

What @Chocolate4me said. A nurse friend recommended it for my youngest. I hadn't slept properly for most of 9 years (two non sleepers). She still wakes from time to time, but at least will fall asleep reliably now. She only needs half a 5mg tablet. Recently I've been taking a sleeping tablet every few days and just got given a weighted blanket which seems to help too. I feel like I'm only starting to catch up now.

Both mine sound more like your second without the screaming if quickly tended to (unless teething). First one up every hour like clockwork for years. Now sleeps through 50% of the time aged 4 so pretty great and if he wakes up he’s v easy to get back to sleep.
Second is a bit more hit and miss. She’s 2. Hits are nights of 2 wake ups and misses are nights she just barely settles at all.
I co-sleep (not with the first anymore). I kind of dream of a full night sleep but at the same time I think I’d wake up anxious (when the toddler manages say 4 hours in a row I find it quite difficult in a weird way). I’m sure I’d get used to it again though.
I actually feel like I need way less sleep than I ever thought I did and am fairly ok with it just being a (quite long) phase of my life and there will be other phases to come. Co-sleeping helps a lot, I don’t know how people function getting out of bed.

@Siennabear

I’m with you on this one. I have an almost 5 year old who my husband still goes into at times and a 2.5 year old who is going through a very unsettled stage at the moment. I usually end up bringing her in bed with me and kicking my husband out much to his grumpiness. I’m so tired all the time! I keep thinking one day it will get better, but when ? Over 5 years of broken sleep now. Both my children were breastfed and woke so frequently it nearly killed me.

Have the slept better since going on to solids? I admire people who breasfeed (even envy) but I think there would be a time when my need for sleep would trump that. (If was I was able to breastfeed long term my opinion may well be different obviously)

Absolutely a thing for mums and dads I think.

I'm afraid one of the reasons we stayed at 2dc was because I doubt our relationship would have survived anymore years of lack of sleep. My 2nd son didn't sleep well for 2 or 3 years. My eldest wet the bed on a regular basis until he was 7 or 8 occasionally at 9 we snapped at each other because we were so tired. Dh would get up with them too but it got to the point I'd want to throttle him he was so useless at sorting the bed or the child I'd end up snapping more, but he was only stumbling through bleary eyed and knackered like me. When ds was old enough to wash and change clothes himself I did the bed myself as it was just easier.

We've both suffered depression and although other issues were the main cause the constant lack of sleep over the years definitely exacerbated it.

I agree that people are sympathetic up to about 1 year and then that stops. Things it never bothered in that first year as I was maternity leave so could sleep more. Being at work in a responsible job having had hardly any sleep when you're children are older gets no sympathy and tbh I wouldn't say anyway especially as my boy was old to wet the bed and I wouldn't want to invite talk and criticism about it.

I can see why they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture....

I’m sorry to hear all the other awful stories but also consoled that it isn’t just me as I never , ever plp talk about this in real life..

Yes, DC2 was my non-sleeping wonderchild. My maternity leave finished when she was almost 1, at that point she would sleep for about 2hrs at a time but only if I sat up and held her, if I tried to put her down so I could lie down she woke up repeatedly screaming. She didn't routinely sleep through the night until she was 4. She is now 6, and recently woke up at about 3am and didn't go back to sleep. I work 13hr shifts and do at least 1 night shift most weeks so miss out on a night of sleep a week too. I don't know how to lie in anymore. I got to stage that I considered 5hrs sleep to be great.
And, yes, I am sad and/ or just numb to everything. I am probably depressed but refuse to admit it to myself or anyone else. It is probably not all due to sleep deprivation, but that surely didn't help.

And to clarify I meant looking into Melatonin for yourself, just to use for a few weeks to regulate your sleep cycle, helps you to drift off

My mum told me years ago that ‘you never sleep as deeply once you have kids’. My DS was a dreadful sleeper and I feel your pain. However, I suspect you’ll gradually feel less and less exhausted as time goes on. Your brain will gradually accept that you won’t get disturbed.

Can I join? DC1 not far off 3, only started sleeping through sometimes a few months ago, hitherto up at least two hourly and half hourly as a baby

Now have a newborn who only sleeps held most of the time which isn't safe so I don't really sleep at night except the odd hour here and there if I'm lucky enough for them not to wake within minutes of lying in basket! DH sometimes able to help with shifts but my sleep period is usually two or three hours total at most

As you say there's nothing worse than people saying "I couldn't do that, I don't know how you do it" as if I have a choice, or worst of all "I couldn't because I'm the sort of person who needs their sleep" argh argh argh so am I! All people are the kind of people who need sleep! I just don't have any choice about how much I get

Or even "try to get as much sleep as you can tonight" as if I don't try everything I can think of already to maximise my sleep possibilities

Another one "we're just worried you are exhausted" from family, except they aren't able to help, so their concern isn't especially helpful! I'd gladly let someone watch DC so I can catch up in the day!

I sympathise OP. I have two kids who were both appalling sleepers until they were 4 and they're 4 years apart so 8 or 9 years ofvery little/broken sleep. Now they sleep in til pretty late but guess what? My bladder is buggared so I can never sleep through! Fun.