Years of sleep deprivation on mental health

[Isitnormalornot2]

I’m just writing in the hopes of finding other people who have had the same experience. I have 3 dcs, absolutely adored children and loved.
Pre children I loved sleeping, it was like a hobby! My first dc was a pretty standard sleeper , breastfed baby who woke once or twice a night until 12 months and then slept through.
My second dc did.not.sleep.
for 4 years.
Yes.... He woke every 45 mins for four years screaming and screaming and screaming . We tried absolutely everything and consistently (allergy testing , blood tests , osteopathic sessions, sleeping with us , sleeping alone, sleep training, different room temps, holding him all night, not holding him, pain relief, dropping naps , nothing worked at all, not even remotely etc etc) eventually he slept through randomly at 4. He has severe reflux which absolutely did not get better at 6 months, with food etc in fact at 6 he still has reflux. It’s only recently at 6 years old where we can see gaviscon makes a huge difference as without it he’d still wake screaming and choking maybe a few times a week, that’s all stopped with using it. I got 3/4 hours broken sleep for years and years.....I ended up never being able to sleep naturally as my body co9, I knew I would be woken constantly so I couldn’t fall into a deep sleep.
I had a 3rd dc who was in no way as bad sleep wise as my 2nd but still woke a lot in phases until 3.
The lack of sleep has stopped since last May (2020) which is amazing but I can’t get over how I don’t feel better. I now find it hard to go to sleep as my body is so used to waking up and I just feel strange like so on edge all the time.
I feel like the last few years has left me totally numb. I don’t enjoy much and feel like shit even when I get a full night sleep. I’ve had bloods done recently and all ok. I miss the days where I could sleep like a log and wake up refreshed. I never want to get up. Even when I sleep 7/8 hours straight I feel better but still on edge a lot. Does anyone else relate?
I always feel like it’s only mothers of newborns who get sympathy with lack of sleep whereas in reality it can go on years..

I’m only 9 months in and struggling. It’s also so demoralising reading examples of people whose babies slept well until a week or so prior when it all went to pot. What if you haven’t had a decent stretch in the whole time?! And definitely agree there is sympathy and understanding for the newborn period but not afterwards. Newborn period was difficult with birth recovery to contend with too but it’s the months on end of it that are trying now.

Just another one offering sympathy here - I'm the same. Didn't get a full night's sleep for the first two years of DC1's life and then the weekend DC2 was born, DC1 was diagnosed with a chronic health condition that sees us up between 2 and 10 times a night, and will continue to do so until he's likely in his late teens and can manage it all himself. Permanently exhausted, but can no longer sleep without both melatonin and a sleep aid even if my husband takes him for the night (we alternate) as sleep is just totally ruined. It is so, so hard. My favorite was the colleague who commented "you know when you've slept so well that you're like, totally exhausted?". No, no i have literally no recollection of that ever happening Sorry you're dealing with this OP, it's so hard to explain to others and it truly sucks.

My mum also said similar about not sleeping properly after children.
My second was a terrible sleeper. I discovered new levels of exhaustion during this time.
It took a long time to recover.

I’ve had raging insomnia for years and people tend to see that I’m alive and working therefore I can cope

In reality, it contributes to a feeling of constant ill health, a terrible memory and makes me look like shit

I can only say if it wasn’t insomnia but more that you got interrrupted, it might be more fixable, you might unlearn those patterns? Hopefully?

Sleep deprivation is torture, my son also had very very bad reflux and woke multiple times per night. If he wakes at night now my heart pounds, which sounds awful but I can’t make it stop!

I have 2 under 18 months. Thankfully my 5mo sleeps well but the 18mo still wakes several times a night. I find myself going to bed some nights at 9 because I've no idea what lies ahead of me, I'm also on edge and scared he will wake DD.

When I was in having DD I didn't sleep more than an hour for 12 days. 5 days of that were failed inductions, then when she arrived she was poorly and needed 2 hourly obs interspersed with 3 hourly feeds, for a whole week. It was during lockdown so I was on my own with either an observation or a feed every hour so no chance to sleep. That was brutal and I feel like my body forgot how to sleep.

I totally understand. My eldest didn't sleep for over 5 years and we were on our knees. Everyone assumed that we were tired because of the baby, who was actually a really good sleeper. We tried everything like you, and even prescribed sedatives didn't help them; there is nothing more soul destroying than being woken every 45 mins by shouting and screaming.

If it helps, Dc is now in early teens and does sleep and I have finally remembered how to sleep; I didn't think it would ever be the same again. I used to get really annoyed by people, saying ' I don't know how you do it' when really ,we had no option but to get through!

Good luck.

Oh gosh. Thank you for posting. I'm 10 years in to broken sleep. DD is autistic and a terrible sleeper. I also have a younger DD who wakes occasionally. But oh my, what I wouldn't give for a decent run of sleep. I get the odd night occasionally. My body and my mental health pays the price, I'm exhausted physically and emotionally.

Terrible sleepers for years here too (both had different health reasons), not as bad as your dc1 but pretty bad.

Earplugs really help me now they finally sleep through. They help me switch off and not jerk awake at the slightest noise. Foam ones work best, I sleep on one side and put one in the upper ear (to avoid the blood rushing sound)

@iguanadonna

Yeah, mine are teen/pre-teen now but I never fully recovered from the sleep deprivation and exhaustion and don't think I ever will. Damaged my memory in particular. Often have trouble finding words when I'm speaking. I feel like I blew fuses which can't be replaced. I'm much happier nowadays, mental health ok again, but some bit of brain are fried.

Agree with this. I'm mid 50s and I'm still waiting for the day I wake up feeling properly awake. Somewhere along the timeline DH started snoring as well. I think I'm destined never to have proper regular sleep.

I have struggled intermittently with insomnia since I was a teenager. I really struggled with DC1. She was a fairly average sleeper, but I would struggle to get back to sleep. DC2 was worse at sleeping, waking 6-10 times a night, but I slept better between wake ups. He now sleeps through and I have managed to find things that help e.g. not drinking much water in the evening so I don't have to go to the toilet, eye mask and ear plugs (which help psychologically, I wear the mask even if if is dark). I now often get a good night's sleep 7/8 hours, sometimes more. I still usually feel rubbish in the morning annoyingly and have a post lunch energy slump. I'm 34 so it's not menopause etc yet. I put some of it down to the relentlessness of two young children.

I sympathise. DS1 was pretty good after the newborn phase, until 18 months when it went to pot and stayed that way on and off until he was four. DS2 was average for six months, then we had 18 months where sleep got progressively worse due to asthma- much of the time he could only sleep upright, so DH and I basically slept in shifts. We got the asthma under control when he was 2. He's now 4.5. It's only really in the last six months that I feel I'm sleeping properly and getting deep sleep. I need earplugs though, otherwise I struggle to drop off and wake at every tiny thing.

My youngest had Bilateral Talipes (clubfoot both feet) he had to wear a boot n bar at nights from birth until the age of 5.

You will cope, it will end. If nothing else they get old enough that you can go to bed and leave them to it....eventually.
FWIW I have also never slept well, I feel older than I am, but I've adjusted.

It took years to adjust but it releases some of that stress of worrying about it. You can't change whats happening, but have faith it won't be forever. You will cope

By the way OP it strikes me that you had not just years of bad sleep, but also years of stress and worry not knowing what was wrong with your DS and going through endless investigations. (I had similar with DC1 who eventually was diagnosed with mild cerebral palsy).

It may be worth considering the impact of all that stress on you, as well as the lack of sleep- maybe talking to someone about it may help you?

Thank you for the advice and just getting it!
Yes I’ve definitely developed some insomnia after years of regular wakes. I also had ridiculous suggestions and advice like “ you can’t go on like this, you need to get this sorted...” like wtaf !! Ok so..
I just find it hard as no one I know in RL seemed to have had this problem. Even now some of my friends are having theirs first and while I absolutely do not go on about how hard or long the constant wakes went on for I just cringe when I hear “ we won’t be putting up with that nonsense, we need our sleep”.
As a pp said everyone needs to sleep!

OP, I sympathise. I was a junior doctor for 8 years, working 72 hour continuous on call shifts with barely any sleep, followed by having two babies in quick succession, so I have been there.
This thread is a chance for you to vent, and for others to reassure you that you are not alone, but I think what you need now is some active treatment to cure your ongoing insomnia.
My therapist taught me a relaxation technique that I practise as soon as I get into bed, which is very effective- I am often asleep before I finish it! It also helps to be physically tired, with chores or exercise earlier in the day, to avoid screens for half an hour before bedtime, to have a milky drink or a chamomile tea last thing, or to ask your GP for one week’s course of sleeping tablets to break your pattern of insomnia.
Believe that you will sleep well again, and work towards that, rather than getting stuck in a pattern of stress and resentment about not sleeping. You don’t want it to become ingrained as a self fulfilling prophecy.
I am sure you will sort this. Focus on how great you will feel after your first wonderful night of unbroken sleep - it IS achievable. Best wishes, OP, and sleep tight!

That’s great advice @Babdoc. I love mn sometimes as it really is a place to go to when there’s no one in rl.

I have a suspicion that long-term sleep deprivation leads to brain damage. As with any other kind of non-permanent brain damage, recovery takes a long time and it's not something you can ping back from in a few weeks.

I feel my brain took a good couple of years to get back to "normal" and for the brain fog to lift. I started sleeping well earlier than that, but I didn't feel "sharp" for a lot longer.

I work with people with severe and enduring MH problems and have run a sleep programme for chronic insomnia for many years. If people follow all the advice they consistently improve their sleep and will go from 2 to 6 plus hours a night. It is hard work though and many people give up. Look into CBT for insomnia, Colin Espie has a good self help book.

Thanks again and I agree absolutely that it has led me to have some level of depression. To be awake so much definitely increases adrenaline and cortisol (spl?) levels , I was /am full of awful, nervous energy

@Isitnormalornot2 I have come back to add: might be worth considering a weighted blanket. I'd heard of them, and was no more than mildly intrigued. However, my OH had been looking into ways to help with my insomnia (I've been lying awake at night a LOT), and gave me one for Christmas. I am not sure how or why it works, but I've noticed a huge difference since starting to use it. I sleep much more soundly and though I still wake, I go back to sleep much more quickly. Anyway, hope you're ok.

This is an old thread, no one likely to read it. But it felt good to read similar experiences to mine, and I wanted to add mine.

My mental health and ‘spark’ is in tatters with a 4 and nearly 2 year old. Juggling work, defiant older son, clingy unhappy crying non sleeping younger son ... too sensitive to comments about any of it. No time off ever to catch my breath and re set. Isolated still from lockdown and moving house, I despair really and long to feel like me again, rather than full of negative feelings

🙏

Have you had DS2 tested for Coeliac disease?Mine had severe reflux and woke regularly through the night for 3 years and that's what it turned out to be. Hope things start to improve soon. Still permanently exhausted here!