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Original poster

Upset at Christmas present from MIL

48 replies

Dingobat1990 · 26/12/2020 07:29

I’m not a materialistic person in the slightest and honestly not bothered about how much someone has spent as it is the thought that counts but my MIL has genuinely upset me. Last year I bought her some lovely pyjama set and this year she has wrapped them back up and sent them back to me! Their not even my size! I’m also quite hurt that she hasn’t even bothered to open them to try them on when I bought them for her last year and they would fit her! It’s also the same type of pyjamas she would wear. We’ve got a history of her undermining me, taking over with my little boy and having snide little comments. My fiancée is on my side as he can see what their doing and have tried to turn him against me. I literally have not done a thing and don’t like confrontation so I feel like she thinks she can get away with it. This is the second time I’ve sat there opening a present from them while my partner and child open theirs and have lovely presents and I feel embarrassed. Last time it was a bracelet that she had ordered from eBay which cost 56p which I knew the price as she had bought a bulk of them to try and sell on! It was covered in glue marks and literally tainted. As I said I’m not bothered about the price but when my own mum spends the same amount on all of us but my MIL purposely sends me a gift that is to send a message to me it doesn’t make me feel good and as my mum treats us the same it just would have been nice the other way around. She spends £40-£60 each year on my fiancé’s and child’s Xmas but wants to send me the worst gifts. It’s like they can’t accept anyone else into the family as the other daughter in laws are treated the same. I also don’t even receive a birthday card on my birthday and they don’t seem to like my fiancée doing anything for me either. Everything I say too is either twisted or completely fabricated! Has anyone else had this?

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 26/12/2020 07:32

I'd just let your fiance by her a Christmas present.

MsTSwift · 26/12/2020 07:36

Why are you even buying her anything? she’s not your mother his family he gets their presents

Crayfishforyou · 26/12/2020 07:38

Don’t bother buying her anything, leave it up to your partner.
And write off any presents from her in the future, if you received them at her house just leave it behind.
She won’t change, she’s a dick.

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Frannibananni · 26/12/2020 07:38

I think you need to have a serious talk to your partner so you are both on the same page on how to deal with this.
I would not personally buy her another present, from now on it’s all done by her own son, I would just take a step back and let her fade into the background. She can just communicate with her son. You and your child are a package deal so no visits without you. Really just sod her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2020 07:38

Stop doing anything for her, she’s horrible. Don’t put up with her undermining you about your son and if your partner agrees her behaviour is out of her order then he needs to tell her.

Frannibananni · 26/12/2020 07:39

Have a girls weekend with your other Sils to vent about her😄 would be a fun weekend that would piss her right off.

Sexnotgender · 26/12/2020 07:41

I’d wrap the pyjamas and bracelet back up and give them back to her next year.

She’s never going to change. You need to either go NC or make your peace and have fun with it.

ememem84 · 26/12/2020 07:42

Yep leave your fiancé do it next year. No effort from you. My Fil and his partner flat out ignore me. So I no longer make any effort with them. I’m polite. And civil. But I will not be ignored in my house.

They came round on Christmas Eve. Made a show of giving dh and the dc their gifts (nothing for me but I’m not bothered - they want to make a show of it to make me jealous I think...). I offered them a drink and they flat out ignored me. So I got drinks for dh and me and the dc. Left them without. If I’d just said “anyone want a drink?” Then maybe they didn’t hear me. But “Fil would you like a drink?” “Fils partner what would you like to drink?” And a glaring stare and no other response from them...it was deliberate.

Dh deals with gifts now. This year they got two tesco bags of nice treat food. Which should have been wrapped into a hamper. But dh forgot that bit.

RaisinRainbow · 26/12/2020 07:42

I would moving forward minimize contact and shunt as much as poss of contact and interaction to partner. Dave your time and energy for where it brings you happiness and minimise misery! Hurts though, I can relate.

ramblingsonthego · 26/12/2020 07:47

I have this with MIL. I got upset yesterday (after donating the presents to charity), but today have decided it is the last time I am going to let her upset me. We can't control what they do, but we can control our own emotions to it. I will just laugh in future, it shows how worried they are about your relationship and that they have to try and get the upper hand. Don't give her the satisfaction. Just put the pjs in a charity shop, and leave all present buying to your partner. Do not engage at all.

Original poster
Dingobat1990 · 26/12/2020 07:59

I’ve just said this morning I won’t be buying the presents for her anymore. Even though she’s been like this over the years I do actually take time to find her a nice present but not anymore! I’m actually half tempted to keep the pyjamas and send them back to her next Christmas! It’s horrible isn’t it? Especially when you haven’t done anything and have gone out of your way to make an effort with them. My fiancée knows how they’ve been with me and he’s on my side and doesn’t let them get away with anything. But this morning he’s said he doesn’t think it’s been done on purpose and he’s going to find out what has gone on but she will just deny it and say she’s bought the exact same ones even though you can’t buy them now and they are also in her size! I literally don’t want any contact with them as I know if they could get away with saying little things to my little boy about me they would. It’s been done in the family before.

OP posts:
FippertyGibbett · 26/12/2020 08:00

Keep the and give them back for her birthday.
Then stop buying her presents, it’s your DH’s job to buy for his family.

TopTabby · 26/12/2020 08:12

Bin the pyjamas, don't try to join in her ridiculous games.
Don't have anything to do with any more presents for her, your dp can sort that out if he wants to.
Refuse to visit her anymore & cut her out of your life as much as possible. If she comes to yours, give her the grey rock treatment & hopefully that will stop her getting into your head.
It's reassuring that all SILs are treated badly, proves she's just totally unhinged & it's actually not completely personal.
She sounds awful though, good luck.

LovingLen · 26/12/2020 08:19

Bung the PJs into the clothes bank or charity bag and don't bother to get anything next year

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 26/12/2020 08:20

Wrap them back up and give them to her next year.

Sally872 · 26/12/2020 08:20

I know it is harder but she is trying to provoke you, not acknowledging this in anyway would be my advice. Also distance yourself. Stop any effort to see her, dh can see her and facilitate kids visiting without you. To feel more involved in his family I would meet up with the other siblings separately to her.

Mostly be thankful your own mum is lovely and that your fiance sees what his mum is doing.

nitgel · 26/12/2020 08:22

Yes give them back to her next year

GetOffYourHighHorse · 26/12/2020 08:24

'Bin the pyjamas, don't try to join in her ridiculous games.'

Yes, weird people like a reaction to know they've rattled you so don't let her. She sounds horrible op, for your dps sake you may have to tolerate her but keep it to a minimum. I would just announce next year that you're not buying for adults anymore, just the kids.

ReindeerAntlerLights · 26/12/2020 08:26

Stop facilitating any sort of relationship with them whatsoever. Don't go round, don't answer calls, don't buy presents, why should you try to be polite about it all?

Don't take your child round. The undermining of your parenting would be enough to stop contact for me. If they do that when you are there, imagine what they will do when you are not.

I know you are probably thinking it is easier said than done, but I did that. Dh backed me and wouldn't visit them even on his own. He was appalled at the behaviour of his Dad and stood up to them. MIL was lovely though so it was difficult for her. Dh told her we would have a relationship with her but not FIL.

MIL was the one who talked to FIL and told him to wind his neck in.

MrsRogerLima · 26/12/2020 08:26

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

Wrap them back up and give them to her next year.
This. 😂
Sittinbythetrees · 26/12/2020 08:29

She’s nuts! But great that your partner is onside. It’s such an embarrassingly stupid thing for her to do that you might be able to laugh at her about it one day. Could your dh pretend that he’s worried about her as she’s made such an embarrassing mistake (ie tell everyone but in a fake concerned way)?
My MIL gives me things like books on how to do housework (really) .

Treeerex · 26/12/2020 08:29

GrinGrinGrin I would send them back to her, but I am that petty and don't care about upsetting people who think its ok to upset me.

The best thing to do is send your fiance over to theirs with DC. Don't go and enjoy a nice bit of time to yourself.

Tanfastic · 26/12/2020 08:30

What an absolute dickhead she is. I probably would have said something to her if I'd opened them in front of her but then that's be I wouldn't have been able to keep my gov shut.

I also know my dh would have been fuming.

Tanfastic · 26/12/2020 08:30

Gob obviously 🙄

Snowy0w1 · 26/12/2020 08:33

I agree, binning the pyjamas is the most helpful thing you can do for yourself. Otherwise you'll be wondering all year whether you should wrap them up and give them back to her.

Rise above her games.

I do think that if you're going to stay together though, even though you absolutely hate confrontation, it might be worth challenging her a bit but REMAINING CALM.

I have been in your situation where somebody knows that you're a people pleaser, they know you don't assert your boundaries quickly and they place you beneath them on the hierarchy that exists in their head. From then on your function is to make them feel superior.

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