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Original poster

Upset at Christmas present from MIL

48 replies

Dingobat1990 · 26/12/2020 07:29

I’m not a materialistic person in the slightest and honestly not bothered about how much someone has spent as it is the thought that counts but my MIL has genuinely upset me. Last year I bought her some lovely pyjama set and this year she has wrapped them back up and sent them back to me! Their not even my size! I’m also quite hurt that she hasn’t even bothered to open them to try them on when I bought them for her last year and they would fit her! It’s also the same type of pyjamas she would wear. We’ve got a history of her undermining me, taking over with my little boy and having snide little comments. My fiancée is on my side as he can see what their doing and have tried to turn him against me. I literally have not done a thing and don’t like confrontation so I feel like she thinks she can get away with it. This is the second time I’ve sat there opening a present from them while my partner and child open theirs and have lovely presents and I feel embarrassed. Last time it was a bracelet that she had ordered from eBay which cost 56p which I knew the price as she had bought a bulk of them to try and sell on! It was covered in glue marks and literally tainted. As I said I’m not bothered about the price but when my own mum spends the same amount on all of us but my MIL purposely sends me a gift that is to send a message to me it doesn’t make me feel good and as my mum treats us the same it just would have been nice the other way around. She spends £40-£60 each year on my fiancé’s and child’s Xmas but wants to send me the worst gifts. It’s like they can’t accept anyone else into the family as the other daughter in laws are treated the same. I also don’t even receive a birthday card on my birthday and they don’t seem to like my fiancée doing anything for me either. Everything I say too is either twisted or completely fabricated! Has anyone else had this?

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 26/12/2020 08:35

I bet she's forgotten you have them to her. I would just thank her profusely and say I'm soooo glad she likes the pyjamas you gave her last year and it's great she's given you exactly the same ones this year! Unfortunately they're not your size (but they are her size, funnily enough!) could she please exchange them for a smaller size, or would she like them herself?

Then never buy her anything again.

And definitely have as little contact as possible.

Ffsnosexallowed · 26/12/2020 08:36

I'd have thanked her profusely for the most beautiful jammies you'd ever been gifted and asked her where she'd gotten them.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 26/12/2020 08:37

'do think that if you're going to stay together though, even though you absolutely hate confrontation, it might be worth challenging her a bit but REMAINING CALM.'

In theory yes but you're assuming the person is reasonable and would happily explain their unpleasant behaviour. However people like this mil aren't reasonable, she will have every excuse ready oh it was a mistake etc and become defensive so best to ignore and distance from it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations

Mrslouu · 26/12/2020 08:40

Charity shop them. Do you need to buy for the adults perhaps try to remove the conflict. One of my close friends just does a secret Santa with the adults so they all only buy one present up to £30 chances are you may not get each other.

Although I did laugh the other day when a work colleague told me her daughters mum in law bought her 20 flannels and an air freshener for Christmas. 😂

readingismycardio · 26/12/2020 08:42

@Ffsnosexallowed

I'd have thanked her profusely for the most beautiful jammies you'd ever been gifted and asked her where she'd gotten them.

This with bells on!

When Dh and I first got together, when the first Christmas came around I got beautiful, thoughtful gifts for their parents (I even shared the cost with now Dh, we were only together for 6 months or so). When they got the presents they thanked him profusely and never said a word to me.

Same happened again but with FIL's birthday.

I never got anything from them except: a v cheap, no tag pyjama and once, she gave Dh and I €30 for both Christmas and my birthday.

Guess who never gets anything now

Longsight2019 · 26/12/2020 08:43

This is a DH deep rooted issue. One that unless he wants to, won’t sort. And when he tries, she’ll blame anyone but herself.

She needs asking directly by him ‘when did you really think it was acceptable, fair and decent to send X the pyjamas she’d bought you last year? And keep referring to the question as she squirms.

Totally unacceptable.

Also, remember the bracelet and use that too.

HerkyBaby · 26/12/2020 08:45

Re gift back to her next year with a diet cook book just in case they no longer fit her.

IseeIsee · 26/12/2020 08:47

Your DP can buy her presents from now on. My MIL used to buy presents which were just digs. I stopped buying her anything, stopped engaging. She and her son can sort that all out between themselves. Don't send the pj back, don't get involved in silly games. Rise above.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 26/12/2020 08:49

YANBU. It's not the present that's the problem, she's clearly going out of her way to inult you and I doubt that behaviour is limited to present giving. It's good your partner is onside, he needs to be very firm with his parents that you're treated with respect and kindness or they won't be invited into your family home.

Wiredforsound · 26/12/2020 08:53

Give them back to her next year. Do not spend another penny on her. Do not make any time for her.

ScottishBetty · 26/12/2020 08:55

Ha, she sounds like a total cow. You can't control what anyone thinks of you but you can control your reaction. Don't you dare spend even a minute buying gifts for her or thinking what to get her ever again. Let her darling son buy her gifts from now on. Also, act overjoyed at those shit presents, that'll piss her off no end. At the end of the day it's only a present from one person who clearly doesn't like you for whatever reason. I'd bet my bottom dollar that you haven't personally done anything to upset her, and she's just pissed off and jealous that her son loves you more than her. Is she in a (good) relationship herself?

lazylump72 · 26/12/2020 08:55

OP you sound really decent and caring but when dealing with people like this your efforts are wasted.They do not have the same morals and standards as you and for that very reason you will loose the game every time.The secret to winning is not to play the game anymore. A wise man told me once in his own perculiar way "that you can;t put it where it doesn;t exist" meaning common sense,empathy and manners cannot be expected from some people as they are clearly lacking in brain cells to understand this mentality.He was right. Next year if you must and feel duty bound then bottle of wine and tin of biscuits will suffice..non presents I call them..you know the kind of thing when you have to buy someone something out o a misguided duty but you couldnt really care less about them?! thats the way forward! Strike a balance between seeing her as someone you have to occassionaly deal with and put up with but do it without emotion and you will be fine.I think of mine in the same way I think about going for a smear test! Necessary to do but unplesant for the time I am doing it..something to be endured but not enjoyed!It works for me.Or you could go nuclear and up tip the entire apple cart and tell her what you think warts and all and beat her into submission...it can be really satisfying to tell someone where they dont stand in the pecking order of your life and what utter tossers they really are! But you sound so lovely I dont think that would sit well with you,So do what you need to at a distance with no thought or feeling be numb where she is concerned and you will get through your life just fine!

Nomoresleeps · 26/12/2020 09:04

She sounds like the type who would front it out and act innocent if confronted and not squirm anyway.

I agree with chucking the pyjamas. You don’t need a reminder if you keep them all year.

Your dh could ask her why she gave you back the pyjamas but I don’t see the point. Just leave him to it in future.

Magissa · 26/12/2020 09:06

Ask her for the receipt as they are not the right size so you need to exchange them. Or send them back to her and ask her to exchange for your size ☺️
Don't bother buying her anything in the future. If your dp wants to get her a present that's his job.

SchubertSwan · 26/12/2020 09:16

I note that your relationship with your fiancé has been going on for 'years'. Have you set a date for the wedding yet? Has there been a delay because of her influence do you think? Do you really believe that your fiancé will sort things out or will he just cajole both of you and tell you what you want to hear?

I think that most of the suggested responses are quite passive aggressive. Why don't you invite her out for lunch or coffee (depending upon which tier you are in), have a one on one conversation, ask her about the pyjamas and if/why she has a problem with you. Say that she is the grandmother of your child and that you want to have a good relationship with her, but that she is making it difficult. Be kind and calm but firm. Maybe it will be a positive experience, maybe not, but I can guarantee that it will put a stop to these ridiculous games. But please don't descend to her level, or this nonsense will just drag on for years.

twinklespells · 26/12/2020 09:26

If someone did this to me I wouldn't be facilitating a relationship between them and my child. You don't treat people like this. I wouldn't want my child having a relationship with someone like that. The world is full of people and the majority of them are kind. Blood means nothing to me if someone is arsehole.

HappydaysArehere · 26/12/2020 09:40

@Sexnotgender

I’d wrap the pyjamas and bracelet back up and give them back to her next year.

She’s never going to change. You need to either go NC or make your peace and have fun with it.

I think your mil is ridiculous and when I read the beginning of your post and how she returned your pyjamas to you as a present I laughed out loud. I thought she just had a bad memory until I continued reading. So as said by Sexnotgender.

Standrewsschool · 26/12/2020 09:44

If she’s the same with all daughter-in-laws, then you know it’s not personal. She’s the one with the problem.

I think @Sexnotgender has hit the nail on the head in saying..

... She’s never going to change. You need to either go NC or make your peace and have fun with it.

Sewrainbow · 26/12/2020 09:46

Actually this is a perfect opportunity to say "why did you give me back what I gave you last year? If you didnt like them you only had to say..."

I dont like confrontation either so I understand why you don't want to. Don't get drawn into silly games with her by sending them back next year. Never eort another gift for her again, that's your DH's responsibility.

Skipsurvey · 26/12/2020 09:47

can you ask her for the receipt so you can change for the correct size ?

ElfIsAnAss · 26/12/2020 09:57

I'd not open presents from her ever again, not in front of her. Buy yourself something nice, wrap it, open that instead. Anything she gives you open after she's gone then bin or donate. Don't give her the satisfaction. And let your OH sort her presents in future.

Nocaloriesinchocolate · 26/12/2020 10:04

That is horrible, op. We gave DS and DIL one big joint present, then little individual ones and actually DIL got more from us than DS! (Not deliberately - we usually make sure there's an equal number but we gave DS one of his early to mark a great achievement on his part)

Arthersleep · 26/12/2020 10:19

Let your fiance deal with it. If she denies it, let her. But she will know that you know the truth. Definitely don't bother in future. It may not have been deliberate. She may genuinely have forgotten that you gave them to her, but she certainly is putting absolutely no effort into choosing anything nice and therefore thinks little of you.

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