To dob in husband for having a mate over to stay (t4)?

[pissedoffcovidiotwife]

My DH told me today that he's having a mate over next week to play a hobby game they have in common. Mate is other side of London and apparently will stay the night because it's too far a drive. plus they will drink so he won't be able to drive.

Backstory is, this hobby is killing me. The games take place in our open plan kitchen so whenever they happen our toddler and I have to go about our normal bedtime routine around them. Last time this happened (which was still during a lower tier!) this mate insuinuated I let my toddler watch too much tv, they managed to eat all of the dinner I'd prepared before I got a chance to eat ( I was doing toddler bed time), and the worst of all, the drunker they get, the more piss ends up around the toilet. I hate the invasion of my privacy and end up spending the night in bed.

I've told DH in no uncertain terms that I don't want this game to happen but he's adamant it will happen. I'm so mad especially given we are in tier 4- there's not much I can do with my toddler even if the game happens in the day, and if it's at night then I am literally trapped with an irritable toddler and two drunk men taking over the house.

If he decides to go ahead with the game AIBU to report to local police? They have fined quite a few households apparently, so they're pretty quick on it, but surely DH would just suspect me?

I don't think i will end up reporting but I'll be quite honest when the mate shows up that i am unimpressed and will probably lock myself and toddler in our loft bedroom (where this mate is planning on staying). At least then we don't need to cross paths

because that will show him?

@TwoLeftSocksWithHoles

Apologies for ignoring your question but I'm desparate to know what game it is that takes over your open plan kitchen. Is it hide and seek? Live action Cludeo? Virtual fishing? Pin the Tail on the REAL donkey? Blind Man in the Buff? ...

My guess? Warhammer/Games Workshop stuff.

Ignoring COVID this is still crazy. I'd make it 100% clear to your H, his friend and his friend's wife that he's not welcome. You don't have to explain or justify.

And I'd take a good hard look at your marriage. I can't believe how bloody selfish your H is behaving.

His mate has two kids and his wife wouldn't be up for hosting.

You're not up for hosting either. Clearly you need to take lessons from the friend's wife on how to put your foot down.

I'd be sorely tempted. But how does the other wife get to refuse? You need to do whatever she's doing. And definitely don't make dinner.
Although your husband sounds an uncouth slob - are you sure you want to stick around?

I would contact the mates wife and ask her to talk some sense into them both

I'd send the toddler in with them to deal with and fuck off out for the day. What a pair of twats! No wonder the rest of the world is blocking the UK as we clearly cannot get a hold on COVID when you have total clowns like this around.

Shit, T4 means you can't go out I think doesn't it.

@stuffedforchristmas

I think you need to separate out the issues.

I wouldn't report someone I was planning to try and raise a child with in the same home.

It's not about the reporting really, is it.

This.

You’d be ridiculous to call the police.

You’d not be ridiculous to question your relationship with this idiot.

I don't know the mate's wife v well aside from meeting her once or twice. I could well find her on Facebook and say I'm not comfortable with it and ask her to keep her husband home.

The game is indeed warhammer and it's ruining our relationship - the constant scrolling on his phone to buy more on eBay, the fact he has the entire dining room (man!cave) setup for it permanently yet on game night it extends the party into the kitchen for beers / food and of course them both pissing all over the bathroom as they drink more and more. If we had a downstairs loo they could do it there but it feels a right invasion for me to traipse into there in my pjs and step or sit in something wet.

I'm really considering whether relationship counselling would help at this stage. He says I'm always angry or grumpy but there are obvious triggers to this.

Some very odd responses on here. Why shouldn’t he be able to do his hobby. I certainly didn’t say he needed to do it at home, or whilst they were in lock down. The op has confirmed this is not just about Covid. The hysteria about this pandemic is too much. Sometimes we need to remember it’s not going to last forever and she’s talking about a longer term problem

And as to why does he need to do his hobby? Becayse he’s a human being, not some machine who dedicates his life to parenting and partnering, he’s allowed his own interests.

So they need to find a compromise position that works for the long term for both of them. Where he still gets to do his hobby which is clearly important to him and she needs to be able to be comfortable in her home.

That’s how relationships stay successful. The ability to talk, hear each other, and compromise.

His family / sisters and parents / my in laws are paranoid about covid so I could always go to them and get them to kick some sense into him. But he seems to think they're all bonkers and he's not taking their concerns about covid escalating as overreaction. And then he'd be angry about me talking to them about it!

@Bluntness100 Agree he's allowed a hobby. In normal times I'd probably be less pissed off. I could take my toddler to a soft play or out to Nando's for dinner or whatever. But now I feel literally house or park bound and being trapped indoors with the stupid game and the needs of a high energy toddler are draining.

He won't even affect move to the game to the front room (which is separate from our open plan kitchen / diner). Too much effort to move the (folding) table. I just can't win.

For goodness sake you cant dob your dh in...get a friend to do it for you

Then op. Yes it’s unacceptable of him. If he won’t compromise I’d likely inform his family before I told the police. Do it in such a way as you want to go visit them or something for the duration.

This is a simple no. You just tell him his mate isn't coming over while in tier 4.

I don't understand why you put up with this type of behaviour.

How have you not repeatedly made him and his mate clean this piss up off the bathroom floor/toilet seat/whatever? - after the first time of bollocking DH privately if he were to do something like this Id do it in front of his mate. If it was his mate pissing everywhere they'd be cleaning it up.

Embarrassment can do a world of wonders and they should be embarrassed about their inconsiderate behaviour (and I don't just mean the wee).

Any contact with others should be a matter of mutual agreement (whether inside the rules or not). If you can't agree it doesn't happen.

You might say that I wouldn't have a husband like yours. TFFT!

Are you in contact with the friends partner? Is it worth chatting with her and getting her on side?

I live in Tier 4 and not even seeing the MIL (also Tier 4). What's the fecking point of me and others sticking to the rules to the letter when your arse of a DH and his arse of a mate think they're above everyone else?
Sorry OP but you need to stop being so wishy washy about this. You should be absolutely insisting the mate doesn't come to stay. Contacting the other wife to see if she'll ask her DH not to come....?! Sort it yourself.
I don't see what's so difficult in all of this.
Stay in your own house. Easy peasy, ffs.

Tell your dh that it’s your home too and under no circumstances is his fwend coming over to play with him in a tier 4. End of conversation.
Play with him 🙄

Make it abundantly clear to mate, when he arrives that he is not welcome due to tier 4, then shut door, allow DH to follow if he has issue with that.
DH is being selfish, they will have to start playing at a gaming center when they reopen.

If you share a home (especially with a child), he shouldn't be inviting others to stay over without your approval and vice versa.

I'm clearly a bit petty but if DH left his wargaming stuff out, I might be inclined to let toddler play with it , just to ensure he didn't leave it out again.

@Bluntness100

How do you suggest he does his hobby? In T4 you can’t have anyone other than your household in the house!

@Bluntness100

He needs to be able to do a hobby with his friend

In normal times, sure.

In normal times I need to see my mum regularly to check on her and give her the affection she needs for her mental health to be ok.

In normal times, children need the freedom to play with their friends and learn to navigate friendship, interactions, sports, having fun together without worrying about breaking rules like the covid ones.

In normal times, people need to work in jobs that pay their bills.

These aren't normal times. And in the grand scheme of things, he does not need to do his hobby at the moment. He wants to and i sympathise hugely that it's difficult, but it's a want not a need and at the moment, there's not a compromise available when it comes to doing a hobby in a separate household. That's just how it is.

I wouldn't report my partner but I wouldn't need to because he's not so selfish he would prioritise his hobby over a family's health, wellbeing and sense of security and safety.

OP does not need to compromise those things for her husband to enjoy a hobby for a few months.

I dumped my Warhammer addicted boyfriend. As hobbies go it is massively inconvenient and takes up bags of space. Plus, to my mind, it's for children. Now, I very occasionally play the Sims, which I'd say is also for children, but it does not get in the way of real life (I've two small children, which is why I only find time to play it very occasionally). I think adults need to be able to down toys and make sensible choices- it doesn't seem like your husband is doing that and I'd be having a very frank discussion and stating that no, in fact, he is not having a friend round until COVID restrictions ease, and, when they do, if he leaves urine on the floor again the future of the relationship will be in question (personally, I'd also be telling him to put his bloody toys away when he's finished playing).

"Needs to do his hobby"

Of course it's relevant, the OP has said herself it would be easier in normal times.

He can't do it, in the same way he can't have his family round for Christmas dinner. OP, you need to put your foot down. Not ask his friends wife or the police or his family to do it for you. You speak to him and you tell him your boundaries.