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Original poster

Do you think it's rude to ask someone to stay in a hotel?

54 replies

TheRoyalOak · 21/12/2020 23:38

Not at the moment obviously, but in non covid times.

If someone says they very much want to come and visit, (as in it is their suggestion, not the host's), they earn a good living, (better than the host does), they use hotels when visiting other people and you don't have a spare room, (it would mean someone giving their bed to the guest and sleep in a camp bed)?

Full disclosure; I don't think this is rude at all and wouldn't mind if someone asked me to do it.

OP posts:

rookiemere · 22/12/2020 09:57

I much prefer visiting SIL since I suggested we decamp to a nearby Premier Inn rather than "sleeping" not sleeping on the grotty old mattress in their front room. DH and DS were very much against the idea - but we'll miss time with faaamily - so I was looking forward to solo luxury, but strangely enough they both reconsidered and ended up in the hotel room with me.

I think though if you're not going to host, it's worth trying to find somewhere within walking distance if possible of your house that people can stay at. I'm not suggesting you pay. When in NZ I was slightly miffed that friend was dismissive of our choice of motel which I'd picked to be close to them as they didn't have enough room for the three of us.

Also if you are staying at someone else's, you need to realise that it's not a hotel. I was slightly miffed by US relatives as one of the couple found the futon uncomfortable. An easy solution was for one of them to sleep in the single bed and the other on the futon. Instead they soldiered on complaining each morning until DH and I gave them our bed for the last few nights, which I think is what they had been angling for all along.

nosswith · 22/12/2020 09:58

Not rude at all. Unless you had agreed to some arrangement and withdrew it at short notice for spurious reasons.

Original poster

TheRoyalOak · 22/12/2020 09:59

@nosswith

Not rude at all. Unless you had agreed to some arrangement and withdrew it at short notice for spurious reasons.

No, definitely not! Nothing arranged yet, due to covid. I want to avoid this, which is why I'm planning in advance.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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General relationships

Original poster

TheRoyalOak · 22/12/2020 10:01

So far when they've said about coming I've said not arranging anything yet, because of covid.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheRoyalOak · 22/12/2020 10:01

Which is true. We are tier 4. Not a time for arranging visits really.

OP posts:

BookWorm45 · 22/12/2020 10:04

I think you're right not to have them in your house when you don't have space. The hotel option is the best one. I have done versions of this with my relatives at times.

It's your house, your rules. They need to respect that.

Original poster

TheRoyalOak · 22/12/2020 10:06

@rookiemere funny how in reality, your DH and ds decided the hotel looked pretty good!

OP posts:

Rollergirl11 · 22/12/2020 10:10

Your sibling sounds horrible. I wouldn’t be having them to stay ever.

rookiemere · 22/12/2020 10:20

@TheRoyalOak for DS the lure of a PI breakfast was strong . DH was against suggesting we did it as he thought SIL would find it rude, but actually as they have a household of 6 and one proper bathroom, I think it was quite a relief for everyone.

Annoyingly oldest nephew now married so we have no excuse not to stay with them, as a sociable introvert I love spending time with other people, but really need to balance it with off time, which I don't get if staying in someone's house.

Original poster

TheRoyalOak · 22/12/2020 10:20

The thing is, in everyday life to friends and colleagues, this sibling is wonderful. It is just to immediate family there is this anger and entitlement. I can't forget it and this is the problem. The most recent incident was only a few months ago and another a few months before that, but the attitude is "we are siblings so you must be delighted to have me to stay and you're quite the meany if you aren't".

It isn't all bad and we get on in even reasonably large doses. We will talk on the phone and I love going out for a meal etc, but then I need to go home and breathe / decompress. I think, because this sibling has always been the one to get angry and shout there is no trauma involved with dishing that out? So they think meh what's the big deal; you annoyed me and I got annoyed. This has been things like, me not saying the right thing when they were worried about an exam they'd just taken. For example, I said "try to just put it out of your mind, it's done now" and they flipped. Or, as I mentioned, I didn't answer the phone once and called back 1t mins later when I saw the missed call and got an absolute earful. I'm not "psycho" as they said or imagining it, as dh has seen some of it. He is very placid and easy going and even he knows what this sibling can be like. He has had them screaming down the phone at both of us in the car, with no regard for our tiny child also in the car having to hear it all. The sibling still feels they were right to be angry, so, so what? I can't forget it and they just say I'm uptight.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheRoyalOak · 22/12/2020 10:22

And I do mean screaming.

Also 15 mins.

OP posts:

CarryOnFestiveNamechanging · 22/12/2020 10:27

Not rude at all. I’d rather someone did this than feel they had to accommodate me or get stressed about having to clean and tidy the house. It works better when guests come if everyone gets a break from each other for some of the day too.

Rollergirl11 · 22/12/2020 10:32

Honestly OP, you really don’t have to put up with this behaviour! I would be using the current situation to your advantage and take a step back from this relationship to be honest.

MrsRogerLima · 22/12/2020 10:38

@RainingBatsAndFrogs

In our family it would be unthinkable to ask guest to stay in a hotel. We would be making a bed for guest, kids on camp bed or whatever, guest would be saying ‘don’t worry, I will bring my camping mat and sleep in floor’... but in the end, if genuinely no room, the guest might say ‘I’ll find an airBnB nearby’.

There seems to be a lot of bosom-hefting indignant posturing about guests and hosts that all seems very inhospitable.

What’s the big deal with able-bodied 30 somethings mucking in on blow up beds?

Seems so precious and spoilt.

Because they don't want to sleep on a blow up bed in their own home for a person who has invited themselves to stay?

There are very few people I want to see badly enough in my life or feel comfortable enough sharing my bathroom/morning self with that I would give up my bed for them or create upheaval for my family for the sake of a couple of nights.

If they invite themselves they pay for a hotel, if I invite them I pay. What's the big deal? Personally I love staying in other accommodation when we visit people. I need my private space.

MrsRogerLima · 22/12/2020 10:40

@TheRoyalOak

And I do mean screaming.

Also 15 mins.

Why the fuck didn't you hang up? Don't put up with that's shit from anyone! Fuck that!

Original poster

TheRoyalOak · 22/12/2020 10:42

Thanks, I do think that sometimes roller. I would never cut them out completely, but I need them to understand that I have sincere reasons for not wanting us to see too much of each other. And I don't think there is a lot we can do to change that at the moment. The dynamic is so set I think. This sibling cause drama and gets angry, even bickering with and huffing with my 5yo, if they don't want to talk to them. It is like this sibling will always behave inappropriately and we are supposed to chuckle and say "oh-ho, what a character".

OP posts:

Apricotta · 22/12/2020 10:43

Anyone who invites themselves is rude in my opinion.

Rollergirl11 · 22/12/2020 10:47

Who tantrums with a 5yr old FFS!!? Your sibling sounds like they have a personality disorder. You don’t need this toxicity around your DC’s.

ifonly4 · 22/12/2020 10:48

I guess it depends how much you want to see someone and how much time you'd like to actually spend with them. To be honest, we don't give up our bedrooms for guests and neither do our friends which we all mutually accept.

Mylittleturkeysandwich · 22/12/2020 10:51

I think it depends on who it is as you've said. If it's someone I'm not super close to I'd often rather stay in a hotel.

Original poster

TheRoyalOak · 22/12/2020 10:52

it depends how much you want to see someone and how much time you'd like to actually spend with them

Not enough to inconvenience my family in any significant way tbh.

Don't know about personality disorder. Definitely very self centred. It's become quite obvious during covid tbh. They get a fixed idea of what they think depending on what suits them and it just adds to the rest of it. I think I made a lot of allowances due to quite a difficult time we all had as a family and because this sibling is young for their age, (although a fully functioning adult except when around family). But I honestly just think we are so different as people, that it is never going to be a very close relationship.

OP posts:

Twinkie01 · 22/12/2020 10:55

We've deliberately used the spare rooms in our house as hobby rooms and only keep one for DD and SIL if they ever come so our overseas relatives can't come and stay.

I hate staying in other peoples houses and hate people staying in mine.

pineapples56 · 22/12/2020 11:01

Not rude in the slightest - in fact, a very sensible suggestion especially if they can clearly afford it. I'll shout them a meal and drinks over a catchup seeing as they've come our way.

I feel I've had a lifetime of experience in this with people coming to visit and stay with us. We accommodate them in every respect yet in reverse it's funny how we always end up staying in hotels and conveniently don't hear from anyone offering up their spare room! Am done with this BS behaviour. Lesson learnt! :)

CigarsofthePharoahs · 22/12/2020 11:10

My mum asked my aunt to stay in a hotel one Christmas.
The problem being that my aunt never wanted to stay for less than a week and my parents only have one spare room and neither my brother or sister are local. Also my aunt is quite well off.
Well, she did stay in a hotel which meant my sister and her family stayed in the spare room for a couple of nights.
My aunt spent the entire time complaining about the hotel, complaining about food, complaining about a cold she was getting over etc etc. She also insisted that my Dad pick her up from the hotel and drive her back every day, despite having her own car and being perfectly able to drive.
The following year she insisted it was her "turn" for the spare room and she spent most of the time complaining that the mattress on the bed was wrong and she wasn't sleeping. She was lucky my mum didn't suffocate her with the mattress by the end of it.

It's not rude to ask them to use a hotel. Sometimes, for the sake of everyone's sanity it's the best thing to do.

Ginfordinner · 22/12/2020 15:10

I think it’s the height of rudeness to invite yourself to stay in another person’s home. It’s one of my personal bugbears

I don’t. I am always delighted when family or good friends, none of whom are local, ask if they can come and see us. The difference is that they always reciprocate. They are also people we really want to see. My sister lives over 4 hours away, so the only way we get to see each other is to visit and stay for a few nights.

Unlike most mumsnetters who post on threads like this I like having visitors, I don’t have a dysfunctional family or selfish friends, so guests are always welcome at the “gin” household.

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