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Original poster

So ashamed of how I feel can only say it here

235 replies

LastRoloIsMine · 20/12/2020 14:50

I tried to NC as I am that ashamed but I cannot remember my password so will have to own it...kind of.

My father is currently at home dying of cancer.
He was originally in hospital as he suffered strokes/heart attacks but in the end there is nothing they can do so they gave us options.
My mum and my sister wanted him home as did he so I did all I could and sorted out carers and equipment. Hes been home 4 weeks.

This is the shame bit. I didn't want him home.

They send the carers away. My sister has virtually lived at my parents with me staying on the days I dont have my own children and its just so hard.
He is bed bound and needs round the clock care.
He wakes throughout the night so we sleep on the sofa to see to him.

I never wanted to do this. I knew how draining this would be on everyone and I feel constantly guilty that between my 3 children and my full time job I cannot be there more.
My hair is falling out I barely sleep or eat and the guilt I feel because I am failing my parents my sister and my DC is making me ill.

My family won't listen. They won't let the carers do anything because my father refuses so we have to.
We have spent the last 4 weeks just watching him slowly die.
I am not spending Christmas day with my DC as my sister is going home to her own children and so she should so I am there with mum and dad. No Christmas morning no gifts no Christmas Dinner which I know makes me sound like a terrible person and I feel like one.

I used to believe dying in your own home was the best way but now living it I would never want to put my children through this. I would never want them to feel this guilty or this stressed and tired. I would never want them to put me above their own children.

I dont expect anything from this thread I just had to get how I feel out as I cannot speak to anyone in RL about it.

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 20/12/2020 15:46

I really think your DPs should accept carers at least for a day or two so you can have Christmas with your kids!

BigMaryloo · 20/12/2020 15:47

I can't imagine how you feel. It was difficult enough for us and my dad was in hospital so we had that support. You are an amazing daughter, please try to make some time for yourself xx

LunchBoxPolice · 20/12/2020 15:48

I’m so sorry you are going through this op. You don’t need to be ashamed of how you feel, it is perfectly justified.

Hairyfairy01 · 20/12/2020 15:48

You have nothing to feel guilty about and every right to feel angry, bitter, resentful and anything else you want to feel. Carer burnout is a very real thing and death can be a very slow process. I guess all you can do is take one day at a time and try and look after your own mental health. There is nothing wrong in admitting that you can't do it anymore though.

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 20/12/2020 15:49

I am so very sorry Flowers no pity party I can see.

immortalstone · 20/12/2020 15:51

I agree with you. I wouldn't want my own kids to have to care for me like that either.

I think your feelings are normal and I completely understand them.

ghostmous3 · 20/12/2020 15:53

My fil died at home a while ago now and had carers coming in. They were absolutely fantastic and really took the strain off the family.
Speak to your sister again, it's not fair and is making you ill.

Your sister gets to go home and see her kids on christmas day but you dont?
Put your foot down and please dont feel guilty.

Flowers
Winter2020 · 20/12/2020 15:53

Please be kind to yourself - you are in an impossible situation.

Arrange a carer for xmas morning if you can get one. If you can tell your parents that is what is happening and you will be over in the evening. You could take left over xmas dinner to reheat. You shouldn’t feel guilty that your children are your first priority. That’s as it should be. Anything you might be able to do for your parents is after that.

Your dad has chosen to be at home but reality for you is that you can only offer limited help as you have your own family. You don’t need to feel guilty for that (although obviously you do). Try to be clear the amount of care that you can offer - that doesn’t leave you making yourself ill. If they need more care their options are carers at home or residential.

ApolloandDaphne · 20/12/2020 15:53

I am so sorry you are going through this. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

PreRaphaeliteMotherhood · 20/12/2020 15:53

Flowers Don’t feel guilty, please. This sounds horrible and you’ve been out in an awful situation. I’m so very sorry.

I think you need to insist that carers are involved. If you don’t get firm now, you’ll be setting a precedent for when your mother becomes elderly or unwell and could be trapped for years to come.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 20/12/2020 15:54

DO NOT feel guilty. What your parents are insisting you do is reay quite selfish of them. You can't do it all. I think you should put your foot down and insist the have carers come in.

Requinblanc · 20/12/2020 15:55

Don't beat yourself up and destroy your own health in the process!

To be honest I would have refused to get involved to that extent in the first place (I don't have any kind of close relationship with my parents).

By refusing help from carers your parents are both being completely unreasonable. When people's wishes involves others having to put their lives on hold it is only fair that they also have a say in the arrangements that are being made.

Speak your mind and tell them that with the demands of your own family and work you simply can't continue to help and that carers need to step in.

campion · 20/12/2020 15:57

@CottonSock

Please put your foot down and arrange carers . Spend Christmas day with your children
Yes. Harsh as it sounds this is what you need.

You're in a very difficult position and your parents have put you there but you're not a child. You can make the decision to stop doing this. Your own health is going to be shot to pieces if you continue and as a pp said,you'll be caring for your DM after that.

It's enough of a strain just seeing a parent slowly dying. Professional carers ie nurses and HCPs will do the job much better because they're trained and experienced.

But massive sympathy to you and you've absolutely no reason to feel ashamed. You're exhausted.

category12 · 20/12/2020 15:57

I'm so sorry. Please don't feel guilty Flowers.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 20/12/2020 15:57

@CaptainMyCaptain

As an aside to anyone reading this, if you die of something nasty, please don't refuse to have carers tend you and insist your poor family have to do this, it's cruel. I second that. I know he is scared and suffering but he shouldn't take it out on those closest to him. The professional carers can do what is necessary and walk away without emotional involvement.

You have nothing to be ashamed of OP. I would feel the same.

I third it. I've seen too many lives blighted by this.

OP, my heart goes out to you. Given your parents' ages, I wonder if their views have been influenced by what might have happened with their own parents. The attitude of previous generations was often that the family must look after the old people, and that any other course of action was a dereliction of duty. Were your parents expected to look after their own parents at the expense of their (and their families') own needs - and hence now expect the same to be done for them?

Pringlemonster · 20/12/2020 15:58

I found this thread really hard to read
As a parent of 4 ,I can’t understand what your parents are thinking of.
I would never in a million years put my children through,what you are going through right now.
I can only assume they are not in their right mind .
With this level of input ,you are going to find your mother becomes very needy after his death ,and she will expect the same level of support for her grieving.
For your own children,op you need Christmas at home.
I say phone the carers ,get them in ,then go home to your family .
If your mother sends them on their way ,that is up to your mother ,she’s a grown woman.
Your sister is having Christmas with her family,so why can’t you .
You can
Walk away from this madness

Motnight · 20/12/2020 15:58

Op you sound on the verge of collapse. I get what you are trying to do but I think that it is all too much.

goose1964 · 20/12/2020 15:58

They don't send carers to just anyone, my in-laws struggled on for years , they would never let us visit we always met up at a restaurant. My MiL has dementia and FiL has heart failure. They now have carers coming in and their life is much easier. You need to convince them that letting the carers provide "the mucky" bits then they can have some time to themselves but also be there without too much stress.

RosesAndHellebores · 20/12/2020 15:58

I am so glad you didn't change your name because you genuinely deserve all of live and sympathy. Flowers

Original poster
LastRoloIsMine · 20/12/2020 15:58

Honestly you are all so kind and right!!

Even if he dies before Christmas day my mum has said she wants me to be with her which of course I will be I couldn't and wouldn't leave her alone.

Whoever said I feel anger and resentment was spot on. I am angry at everything and everyone.
A rubbish GP ignored my fathers symptoms for 6 months and I am angry that had he been taken seriously the outcome could have been different. I resent the pressure my parent are putting on us to step in as full time carers. My sisters family is younger than mine but I am a single mum so am missing the other person to share the parenting full time with.

I never wanted this. I dont want my lasting memories of a wonderful man to be wiping his bum and feeding him with a spoon!
I am angry at my mum and my sister that they made this choice and I never got choice. I wasn't asked if I was OK with this. Its just expected that I have to do it.

Thank you so much. I feel better just being able to say whats in my head!

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 20/12/2020 15:59

Love and sympathy FlowersBrew

AcornAutumn · 20/12/2020 16:00

OP I feel really sorry for you

Don’t feel guilty

Two friends of mine nearly had their father in similar arrangement and had to absolutely beg their mum not to do it. Fortunately she listened.

I’m so sorry.

snookercue · 20/12/2020 16:00
Thanks

I can't add to what's been said but I couldn't read and run

Pringlemonster · 20/12/2020 16:01

Op
Ring the carers ,get them back ,and go home to your family .
This is wrong ,no kind person wants this for their children

tsmainsqueeze · 20/12/2020 16:03

I am so sorry you , your dad and family are going through this .
I think this is far too much too bare alone , i understand coming home to die but you need trained carer's who know what they are doing .
The situation you are in could change rapidly , it could become scary and totally out of your control .
You have nothing to feel guilty about , you are doing a very kind thing , but if you are not careful, with all your other responsibilities you could become ill .
Your family are being very selfish , can you not speak privately to your sister , hopefully she reconsider , then confront your mother with the fact that you both can not carry on .
They will have to give in , your mother and or sister will not be able to manage a bed bound man alone .
Why is your sister going home and not you ?
These last days with your dad could become tainted by the negative emotions you are feeling,
I think you need to be really honest .
Your post has touched me , i hope everything works out for the best for you all , please take care of yourself .