So ashamed of how I feel can only say it here

[LastRoloIsMine]

I tried to NC as I am that ashamed but I cannot remember my password so will have to own it...kind of.

My father is currently at home dying of cancer.
He was originally in hospital as he suffered strokes/heart attacks but in the end there is nothing they can do so they gave us options.
My mum and my sister wanted him home as did he so I did all I could and sorted out carers and equipment. Hes been home 4 weeks.

This is the shame bit. I didn't want him home.

They send the carers away. My sister has virtually lived at my parents with me staying on the days I dont have my own children and its just so hard.
He is bed bound and needs round the clock care.
He wakes throughout the night so we sleep on the sofa to see to him.

I never wanted to do this. I knew how draining this would be on everyone and I feel constantly guilty that between my 3 children and my full time job I cannot be there more.
My hair is falling out I barely sleep or eat and the guilt I feel because I am failing my parents my sister and my DC is making me ill.

My family won't listen. They won't let the carers do anything because my father refuses so we have to.
We have spent the last 4 weeks just watching him slowly die.
I am not spending Christmas day with my DC as my sister is going home to her own children and so she should so I am there with mum and dad. No Christmas morning no gifts no Christmas Dinner which I know makes me sound like a terrible person and I feel like one.

I used to believe dying in your own home was the best way but now living it I would never want to put my children through this. I would never want them to feel this guilty or this stressed and tired. I would never want them to put me above their own children.

I dont expect anything from this thread I just had to get how I feel out as I cannot speak to anyone in RL about it.

I wonder why your mum doesn't acknowledge that your children need you in the same way she does for your sister?

So sorry, LastRolo, I have some experience of what you're going through and you are absolutely justified in your anger and resentment. Get it all out here, your mum and sister have their own smorgasbord of horrible emotions and the least said in the heat of the moment, the better.

You poor thing LastRolo - I know exactly how you feel. I watched both my parents go through this at home. My dad first, so my mum did most of the care, he had a short spell in a hospice and then went home again. We were largely shielded from it all (I was late 20s with a young baby). When it came to my mum she wanted the same thing, but of course that meant that the burden of care fell to us siblings. I had a second young baby by this point. XH was holding the fort at home, while I stayed with my mum. DBs would both come along with their wives whereas I was there alone and I actually snapped when they told me one night that they were all going home and it was just going to be me and my mum there all night - explaining how I had to change her oxygen tank if it ran out and try and help her to the loo etc. I had a complete meltdown and refused to do it alone. My relationship with DB never really recovered, but I feel like this showed his selfish side more than anything, so I don’t really care.

I hate that my last memories of my mum are quite traumatic and upsetting. I know it’s “the right thing to do” to be there, but I honestly wish I hadn’t been. I was on the verge of going home to get a change of clothes etc and see my DCs who I hadn’t seen for days (DS2 was only 8 months) but, luckily I guess, I stayed.

You are not awful for wishing you didn’t have to experience all this, especially as your family seem to be taking your presence for granted.

Please don't be mad a me for saying this... it's awful that they won't accept help at all. Honestly they are blind to your needs. I just can't believe they'll be so stubborn not to let others help.
I'm really sorry you are in the middle of a bunch of poor decisions not based on what's best but guilt.
Don't feel guilty you are doing as much as you can. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

I watched my dad die, he was in hospital. Its been 15 years now and I can still remember all that he went through in the last hours. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
DONOT FEEL GUILTY.

Dont be ashamed.of wanting your dad dead now, it is no reflection on you or him or how he was as a father, it's about not wanting him to suffer anymore. Once they told me no more could be done for my dad I just wanted him to die as soon as possible. He wasn't consciously with us, he was just existing in a bed. I wished him dead (if religious I would have prayed for it) and I'm not ashamed to say that because I wanted what was best for him at the time. Obviously I'd rather he was with us having never got ill but that's unchangeable and I know it doesnt reflect my true feelings for him.

I'm sorry your dm and dsis can't see your viewpoint, I daresay their feelings are tied up with how they can justify their doing all they can for him, have you asked them why they won't accept help? I can see with your mum that she wouldn't want to be seen about not coping and tied up with her age etc what about your sister though? Does she just want to do as your mum wants or is it more?

Eddie she is my "little" sister her children are a bit younger than mine but she has BIL where as I am single mum. Plus I have always been the one to do all the coping and dealing. Famy expectation so to speak.

I totally understand how you feel, OP, so have a huge virtual hug from me. You're not a bad person, just worn out and worn down.

My DP has a brain tumour and is bed bound from the effects of it - he will also die from either the tumour or effects of the tumour at some point, depending which gets him first. It's so hard accepting everything that's going on and the changes that impact your life. It's exhausting mentally and physically. I'm WFH with no other carers at the moment and while I want to be here, looking after him, it's not easy! We have a young child, I have a full time job and house to run alone. As a carer your own needs end up at the bottom of the list and that's bloody tough! People who are chronically and terminally ill are not always easy people to look after. Try to remember that these power plays occur because they have no power left, but that doesn't mean its right or that you should accept it.

I hope you get things sorted

Oh Cam I am truly sorry.

Please take the advice from the lovely people on this thread...dont do this alone.
Your needs matter too. I have been a half person/parent/friend/partner the last few weeks and thats not what my dad would want. Sadly he was in the beginning selfish as you said this does that to people.

My mum comes from an era where looking after dying family was just the families responsibility but healthcare has moved on so much we need to accept the support.

While I know I will never be the same after dad dies I also know that watching him die has damaged me much more. Does that make sense?

Yes, of course, it makes perfect sense. It's awful watching someone decline. They stop being the person they were and yet sometimes there are flashes of the old person and that's even more painful.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Thank you for your kindness. It helps to know that other people have been through it or are going through it, isn't it? Friends can, be sympathetic and helpful but they can't possibly understand. Sadly, I think it's quite often the case that families end up at loggerheads because of differing expectations, like your mum's, or just because everyone is grieving in their own way.

Wow, this sounds so hard. My mum was terminal with cancer two years ago and she, thankfully, was adamant she wanted to go to a hospice. She has experienced an afwul situation with her sister 10 years before at the end of life stage, as they didn't want help and she was at home. Mum was home for a few weeks before going to a hospice, but we took all the help we could get. And not having to do all the caring actually gave us as a family time to enjoy the time that was left.

I really feel for you OP. It must be so hard when you as a family are not thinking along the same lines.

And Cam, please reach out for help if you can. I found it hard enough keeping everything at home running, whilst my mum was ill and she was well looked after. It's so hard and it takes its toll on you.