SIL didn't tell anyone she's not going to MIL for christmas

[Littlemissnutcracker]

We are not in the UK. So we offered to have elderly in laws last minute as SIL changed her plans.

We get on OK they are of a different era in their outlook on life so I don't fully relax around them but respect them. They worked hard their whole life and MIL is controlled a lot by FIL.
Anyway SIL was to go for dinner to their house. We have alternated with BIL and wife. Their own daughter doesn't bother much with them other than phonecalls. But of course it's covid issue too so I get it.

However dh mentioned SIL is dropping off presents but not coming in. So I put two and two together she has cancelled christmas with them.

The thing is she didn't tell us so mil and fil would be alone. So now we have offered and MIL can't make that decision alone.
It's fine to have them but I am so annoyed. Of course I will treat them well but it wasn't the plan. I am selfish I know but they are dh family and I do a the work all the time and they will comment 'not too much not too rich' and conversation which I find rude. When we went to theirs years ago no crackers and the centrepiece was a packet of bisto gravy no toasties or anything so their Christmas expectations are totally different.

@theparalelluniverseoftier3

OP You obviously cannot be living in the uk currently or you would not have started such an insensitive thread The (UK) has huge restrictions imposed on its residents due to Covid , they came in last night at midnight and many many people will not see their loved ones over Christmas or the foreseeable future Please consider this and be a little more thoughtful of others feelings right now before whinging on about being able to see your family , even if you do or don't love them , you instigated the situation.

OP has enough people to pander to and perform for. She doesn't need attention seeking "look how much worse I have it" MN twats to add to it.

I'm sorry OP, you are your mil, atleast you will turn into your mil. You pander to your dh and accepts his behavior towards you (with small dc), your parents and expectations towards your treatment of his parents. Take a long hard look at FIL's treatment of MIL, it's your future .

We have been on major major lockdown for months. As in, 3 miles. That's why we can have christmas here.

What a toxic family. You need to put your foot down and stop pandering to this nonsense OP. And I include your DH in that.

I think things will change after Christmas. I will put more boundaries in place. But will enjoy this time as much as I can. Also I do suffer with anxiety and guilt so by not offering I wouldn't enjoy it anyway. I will make more time for myself after christmas.

What about your own parents, OP? Isn't it traditional not to leave them alone at Christmas too?

It's all about what your DP will and won't do, by your own account. He's very decisive in setting down his boundaries and delegating work and obligations to you. But what about you? What are you willing and unwilling to do?

You teach people how to treat you.

This isnt your SILs fault at all. She doesnt need to check in with you or be answerable to you. You are choosing to be a martyr.

You say your MIL is controlled by FIL, it sounds like you are also controlled by your DH when it comes to to your parents at christmas (perhaps other aspects of life too?)

You are being kind by having the in laws over but you should make it fun for yourself too. If your DH can't support you in this then really he is also a part of the problem.

You’ve backed yourself into a corner where it’s difficult to retreat without outcry.
It sounds as if you feel hour bound to be the dutiful one for people who don’t appreciate it or others who don’t see it as their role because they can let you do it.

Can your dh find out if they actually want to come given COVID. You should be telling DH you would never hear the end of it if they caught it from your house and it’s not that long to wait for vaccine regardless
Could they come for Xmas dinner instead of the whole day. Or come on Boxing Day.
Moving forward you haven’t been allowed to have Christmas with your own family and are taking responsibility for DH parents whilst siblings do nothing.
Stop playing their game.
Speak up each and every time when they are rude about your food “ I always tell the children not to critique the food when they are a guest,” with a big smile. It’s telling them how to behave in your house.
Decide how you want things to be on the day and plan accordingly. If you want to open your kids presents with them in private do that.

You have a whole year to decide what Christmas will be like in 2021. If you want the kids to see your parents invite them now and have a nonrich lunch for PILs before or after. Tell the siblings it’s their turn as you are seeing your parents for Xmas for first time in a decade.
You know what they are all like now so plan accordingly. If you message people clearly and we’ll in advance and stick to your guns you will have more control. I can’t say it works every single time but it’s a start.

*honour bound

@Littlemissnutcracker

I think things will change after Christmas. I will put more boundaries in place. But will enjoy this time as much as I can. Also I do suffer with anxiety and guilt so by not offering I wouldn't enjoy it anyway. I will make more time for myself after christmas.

Just don't forget that. Things have to change or in 20 years time you will be MIL . You matter. Your needs matter. You opinions and feelings matter. You deserve love and respect and to be put first every once and again. You also need to learn to love,respect and put yourself first. Expect better from life and the people around you,because you do deserve better.

You are allowing all of these people to walk all over you. If your own husband wouldn't spend Christmas with your parents, then you owe his fuck all really. They aren't your responsibility. You don't owe it to anyone to sacrifice what you want , for people who complain, talk about you behind your back or who wouldn't make sacrifices for you (husband)!

I am not sure how your in-laws would react, but at the very beginning of our marriage, I let my in-laws know how things were in our house, I love them to bits by the way, but theirs was a very traditional household, he worked she did everything domestic, and they paid for professionals. When FiL asked if anyone was making a cuppa, I would just say thanks I would love one. If they remarked about anything seen as excess, I again would thank them and say something like I know I love it.

We have a fantastic relationship and FiL knows his way around my kitchen, and even does more at home.
It might be worth a try?

Why don’t you cook Christmas lunch and dh take round plates of it for them and leave them to it?

@Littlemissnutcracker

I've been posting so rarely that this thread is still showing on TIO.
So, I'm curious.
How did it go?