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Original poster

SIL didn't tell anyone she's not going to MIL for christmas

64 replies

Littlemissnutcracker · 20/12/2020 10:07

We are not in the UK. So we offered to have elderly in laws last minute as SIL changed her plans.

We get on OK they are of a different era in their outlook on life so I don't fully relax around them but respect them. They worked hard their whole life and MIL is controlled a lot by FIL.
Anyway SIL was to go for dinner to their house. We have alternated with BIL and wife. Their own daughter doesn't bother much with them other than phonecalls. But of course it's covid issue too so I get it.

However dh mentioned SIL is dropping off presents but not coming in. So I put two and two together she has cancelled christmas with them.

The thing is she didn't tell us so mil and fil would be alone. So now we have offered and MIL can't make that decision alone.
It's fine to have them but I am so annoyed. Of course I will treat them well but it wasn't the plan. I am selfish I know but they are dh family and I do a the work all the time and they will comment 'not too much not too rich' and conversation which I find rude. When we went to theirs years ago no crackers and the centrepiece was a packet of bisto gravy no toasties or anything so their Christmas expectations are totally different.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 20/12/2020 10:34

If you want to be a martyr op, then crack on.

Designateddiver · 20/12/2020 10:35

You are choosing to feel guilty, don't blame others for that. They are not on their own, work on your own boundaries

Original poster
Littlemissnutcracker · 20/12/2020 10:37

I know I am choosing to feel guilty but I am annoyed with SIL but just venting here. Dh will love having them over. So I will bite my tongue in real life but its such a joke.

OP posts:

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AccidentallyOnSanta · 20/12/2020 10:47

You did this to yourself.

SIL didn't have to inform you, her arrangement was with her parent who presumably know now.
They didn't ring you crying they'll be all alone and can they come over.
Their own son didn't realise or think it's a big deal.

You invited them or plan to. No one asked you. No one made you do it.

Original poster
Littlemissnutcracker · 20/12/2020 10:54

I know I did this to myself. But dh asked and it was hours before he mentioned it to me last night and only when I asked. SIL was very clever in her approach. Say nothing but know she's not leaving them alone. I am trying to be kind but there are several siblings. If they ended up alone there wouldn't be one word said to SIL but I would be talked about behind my back. I know this because it's happened before as I heard unwittingly from her children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemissnutcracker · 20/12/2020 10:55

I know there are much bigger problems out there at the moment so I am going to leave it there. But it says more about her own daughter thats true. She is very snobbish and embarrassed of her mother.

OP posts:
BillysMyBunny · 20/12/2020 10:57

But if they’re a couple they’re hardly alone. Lots of people are going to be truly alone this Christmas, including me, but it sounds like your PILs have each other so I don’t see the big deal.

Saltn · 20/12/2020 11:02

OP, you say you arent in the UK so I assume you are not living under the same restrictions as many of us here in the UK who will be the main users of this site. Yesterday most of us were informed we can only see family on a very restricted basis and large parts of the UK can't see anyone at all. Your post whingeing about having to see your Inlaws is pretty insensitive given how difficult is for us in the UK right now.

AccidentallyOnSanta · 20/12/2020 11:04

@Littlemissnutcracker

I know I did this to myself. But dh asked and it was hours before he mentioned it to me last night and only when I asked. SIL was very clever in her approach. Say nothing but know she's not leaving them alone. I am trying to be kind but there are several siblings. If they ended up alone there wouldn't be one word said to SIL but I would be talked about behind my back. I know this because it's happened before as I heard unwittingly from her children.
So you are doing things out of obligation,guilt, fear of being shamed while they don't. Maybe it's time to get a leaf out of their book. They're not your parents. You owe them nothing. You owe the family nothing.

You need to stand up for yourself,and stop picking up the slack of other people.

When's the last time they picked up your slack?

When's the last time your DH did something he really didn't want to do just to make you happy?
When's the last time HE worried about what your family thinks or how your parents are coping?

I'm not saying you did this to yourself to be a dick. I'm saying it so you grow a thicker skin and stop doing it,for your own good and wellbeing.

Original poster
Littlemissnutcracker · 20/12/2020 11:04

It traditional here not to leave people alone and I do respect them. As said above they are not pushy and would never ask. So it's kind to offer. I'm just annoyed with SIL really. Why would she do this? Yet ring everyday and MIL acts like the sun shines out of her arse. But she does nothing. Anyway inlaws are very elderly and it's only one day. Maybe deep down I am just as selfish as SIL as I was looking forward to a nice relaxed day with no time restrictions or fussy eaters.

OP posts:
Saltn · 20/12/2020 11:06

Its traditional everywhere not to leave people alone. FFS stop whingeing.

AccidentallyOnSanta · 20/12/2020 11:06

@Saltn

OP, you say you arent in the UK so I assume you are not living under the same restrictions as many of us here in the UK who will be the main users of this site. Yesterday most of us were informed we can only see family on a very restricted basis and large parts of the UK can't see anyone at all. Your post whingeing about having to see your Inlaws is pretty insensitive given how difficult is for us in the UK right now.
It isn't if the inlaws are arseholes. Not all families are equal or loving or decent.
Original poster
Littlemissnutcracker · 20/12/2020 11:06

They've never offered support but I don't expect it. When we bought our home we got a lot of negativity that we didn't move beside them as MIL lived with her MIL all her life. So it's different expectations.

OP posts:
Lweji · 20/12/2020 11:07

From your updates it looks like she doesn't have a good marriage and really needs the company of kinder people than her husband.

Original poster
Littlemissnutcracker · 20/12/2020 11:09

No way would dh be happy if my parents were to come. So that's another issue. He loves his own parents of course. When we married he spent most of the weekend helping them while I was left with a new baby. It nearly broke us then. Then he would come back in time for dinner. I was meant to be grateful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemissnutcracker · 20/12/2020 11:10

Yes MIL doesn't have it easy at all.

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnSanta · 20/12/2020 11:14

@Littlemissnutcracker

No way would dh be happy if my parents were to come. So that's another issue. He loves his own parents of course. When we married he spent most of the weekend helping them while I was left with a new baby. It nearly broke us then. Then he would come back in time for dinner. I was meant to be grateful.
Oh love, this deeper than Christmas, inlaws or your SIL isn't it?

You have all this pressure and expectations and being left behind/not prioritised and you're supposed to be grateful over whatever scraps you get.

Vent all you want, but you have to know this is not normal,acceptable or good for you.

Saz12 · 20/12/2020 11:17

OP, having a celebratory meal with someone who disapproves of excess is miserable.

Either: do the meal the way FIL would “approve” of, but have a sneaky all-our celebratory occasion meal on Christmas Eve / Boxing Day instead.

Or, turn away the in-laws.

Don’t try and do the big celebration meal for the in-laws as they will make you miserable and cross and spoil it. It’s also not what they want anyway.

Cam2020 · 20/12/2020 11:18

They're not alone, they're together.

Original poster
Littlemissnutcracker · 20/12/2020 11:20

Thank You so much accidentallyonsanta your words mean an awful lot to me.

OP posts:
theparalelluniverseoftier3 · 20/12/2020 11:22

OP
You obviously cannot be living in the uk currently or you would not have started such an insensitive thread
The (UK) has huge restrictions imposed on its residents due to Covid , they came in last night at midnight and many many people will not see their loved ones over Christmas or the foreseeable future
Please consider this and be a little more thoughtful of others feelings right now before whinging on about being able to see your family , even if you do or don't love them , you instigated the situation.

MichelleScarn · 20/12/2020 11:22

You are absolutely martyring, happy that you don't see your own parents at Christmas because your 'd'H wouldn't allow it, so its been 10 years did you say since you've spent it with them? Good on your sil for not pandering to the drama!

MzHz · 20/12/2020 11:23

@Saz12

OP, having a celebratory meal with someone who disapproves of excess is miserable.

Either: do the meal the way FIL would “approve” of, but have a sneaky all-our celebratory occasion meal on Christmas Eve / Boxing Day instead.

Or, turn away the in-laws.

Don’t try and do the big celebration meal for the in-laws as they will make you miserable and cross and spoil it. It’s also not what they want anyway.

This is brilliant advice
MichelleScarn · 20/12/2020 11:24

And sod would l pander to doing a boring, dull meal to fils approval, take a leaf out of sil book and do it your way!

MzHz · 20/12/2020 11:29

@theparalelluniverseoftier3

OP You obviously cannot be living in the uk currently or you would not have started such an insensitive thread The (UK) has huge restrictions imposed on its residents due to Covid , they came in last night at midnight and many many people will not see their loved ones over Christmas or the foreseeable future Please consider this and be a little more thoughtful of others feelings right now before whinging on about being able to see your family , even if you do or don't love them , you instigated the situation.
Oh ffs... how ridiculous is this post?

Insensitive? Our restrictions have been WAY looser than many countries and yet that hasn’t stopped the comments from uk posters.

Widen your view and try to take comfort that not everywhere is as chaotic as it is in the uk.

It’s been said too that anyone who made plans knowing what the daily infection numbers have been for the last couple of months and the trajectory of the same were idiot to expect a near normal Christmas

BoJo was irresponsible to suggest there was anything like as much chance of Christmas as he did, to snatch this at the last hour will really hurt those who didn’t want to see the writing on the wall