Buying ex a present 'from the kids'-should I do it or not?

[NoEffingWay]

Ex-h and I divorced this year, and this is the first Christmas apart.

This last few months he has (ex that is) been horrible, vile in fact. I resent the very idea of spending any money on him. Keeping the pretence of politeness is as much as I can manage day to day.

DS hasn't asked me to buy his Dad a present and I would do without hesitation if he had done so.

What would you do in my situation?

To avoid drip-feeding both my ex and I have new partners, ds is spending Christmas day with me, and we share custody 50/50.

Nope. If DC ask then yes, otherwise don't bother, I doubt he will return the gesture.

What age are the children? And do they know he has been vile?

Do it. Small budget, let ds choose- he might feel upset at not getting his dad something no matter what is going on between you as adults.

Suggest it to ds and see what he says.

Ds is 8
No other kids

I have kept ex-h's behaviour away from DS as much as possible but he has seen me upset and tearful on a few occasions.

How old are they children? If young and they want to get a present, then get a token something (this is for the kids really, not the adult). If child is old enough/has pocket money, they can get something themselves if they want to.

No definitely not.

Yes, it sets a good example for your DCs.

Don't expect anything back, except perhaps feeling of moral superiority.

I do, because they'd feel bad if they didn't have anything to give him. But it's a token gift only.

No, then, I wouldn’t

I buy nice well thought out but inexpensive presents from my kids for their dad for Xmas birthday and Father's Day. I involve them in choosing and wrapping. He does absolutely nothing for me in return. I do it because it makes my children happy and I they are learning about the bigger picture from it. They are learning from ex how to be bitter, lazy and devoid of insight into children's feelings.

A mixed bag of responses .
I'm feeling aggrieved today because ex sent DS to my house without shoes. Again.
Wtf was I supposed to do at 7.30 this morning when ds tells me he only has his football boots?!

Personally i'd say yes, its about your child not about him. Having been that child, he might feel anxious asking you to help arrange this or awkward not showing up with a gift, so I would take that pressure off.

No. I wouldn't get a present from my children when they were 8. My husband may have bought me something 'from the kids' but at that age I doubt your son is thinking about it.

If your son has pocket money, I would help him buy something. If he doesn’t, I would help him make something.

Would he get you something from ds? If so then yes but let ds choose and you just give him some money and take him to the shop or help him order something online if that is easier. If he almost certainly won't I wouldn't bother.

My husband and his ex never did. You need to step away from responsibility regarding him. Once I came on the scene I helped him buy a present for his dad, prior to that his mum helped him. His ex wife’s family helped him shop for his mum. When he was in his teens I used to say “have you got your mum a present?” a couple of weeks before Xmas/Mother’s Day.

Help your DS buy a gift. It doesn't have to be expensive. It will help DS feel good.

Yes. At eight kids often don’t think until the actual day and if he turns up to a load of presents at his dad’s and he has nothing to give him He may feel bad. Plus children should learn that Christmas is as much a time for giving as receiving.

When my DS was younger I always bought presents from him to his dad, he picked them and I bought them. I even bought presents for his dad’s partner and her DD. They never bought anything for me from DS, my DP did it, but either way that wasn’t why I did it.

Now DS is a teenager and earning his own money and I remind him he needs to buy presents for his dad etc, but he’s old enough to do it himself now.

I also think Op that as your ex has been vile to you it really isn't a good idea.

I think with people like that you need to have as little interaction between you as possible, he will know you bought the gift and it could stir up emotion. You need to keep things straightforward and emotionless.
I know if I had done the same for my ex he would have definitely seen it as a gift from me if he's vile to you he clearly has some feeling there. Good or bad.
Keep everything clinical, emotionless.

I would. But I would give ten quid to my child and take them to Asda and let them pick something. It’s good to teach our children to think of others and gifts, and you can stop it as soon as they are old enough to do it themselves. That’s what I do with my seven year old. Oh and I never get anything in return from the ex but my child has now asked if she can get me a gift as well, so my friend is taking her out to do that. It’s a good life lesson and nothing much to do with your feelings with your ex but your child’s.

I'd probably get some £1 or £2 chocolates, it will be nice for DS to have something to give, but ex will know it's minimum though/expense and not really for his benefit.

Usually get something with DD for her dad. It's a token gesture £2 gift. So she can give him something, purely for her benefit.

Why do you have to spend anything on him? A handmade gift that your son makes himself is much more special and teaches him it's the thought that counts. Maybe salt dough craft such as a handprint, or a gingerbreadman cut out as a tree ornament that he handprints and dates on the back? Decorate an old picture frame with a picture of dad and son/just son?
My ex bought me a candle for my birthday from the kids couple of months back and it weirded me out, would much rather be given a nice drawing the kids had done

*Gingerbread man that is handpainted

I always used to give ex dp a lynx shower gel/deodorant set from Dd. We did that for years, it became a sort of tradition! Not very expensive and she liked to give him something. She's an adult now and they have almost no contact but it still amuses me slightly at this time of year when I see them in the shops!