Buying ex a present 'from the kids'-should I do it or not?

[NoEffingWay]

Ex-h and I divorced this year, and this is the first Christmas apart.

This last few months he has (ex that is) been horrible, vile in fact. I resent the very idea of spending any money on him. Keeping the pretence of politeness is as much as I can manage day to day.

DS hasn't asked me to buy his Dad a present and I would do without hesitation if he had done so.

What would you do in my situation?

To avoid drip-feeding both my ex and I have new partners, ds is spending Christmas day with me, and we share custody 50/50.

I would say yes but let your child choose something they can enjoy together..
ie. a new game they can play together, like uno or dobble or whatever.

@audweb

I would. But I would give ten quid to my child and take them to Asda and let them pick something. It’s good to teach our children to think of others and gifts, and you can stop it as soon as they are old enough to do it themselves. That’s what I do with my seven year old. Oh and I never get anything in return from the ex but my child has now asked if she can get me a gift as well, so my friend is taking her out to do that. It’s a good life lesson and nothing much to do with your feelings with your ex but your child’s.

I totally agree! My children are cottoning on and have asked if they can go to Sainsbury's with their grandma and get me some presents. I'll give her £20 and if I get wine,chocks and some hand cream wrapped by their own fair hands I'll be blown away! Last Christmas it fell off everyone's radar and I had nothing to open Christmas morning (I got plenty later in the day) but my kids were really sad I didn't have anything to open so I don't want them to feel like that again

DS can make him a card if he wants to. I wouldn’t muddy the waters if DS hasn’t mentioned it and you don’t want to set a precedent. Do you live with your new partners?

Yes I would do. It's important to show that although you are apart, you are all their family and everyone in a family is important.

I buy a decent gift each year. My ex is a nightmare & most definitely doesn't reciprocate but I feel it's important. I don't know why as the kids aren't bothered really.

Yes, buy a present, even if it’s a token box of chocolates.

I think you need to think about what you want to teach your child. My low point was when I gave my children money to buy me a mother's day gift because I knew they'd feel bad if they didn't and I knew their dad wouldn't bother. With my youngest, I even had to take him shopping as he was too young to go by himself. But the day itself was lovely and they were so pleased to give me their gifts that I felt really honoured and it changed completely how I felt about it and I've supported them ever since.

I bought them gifts to give their dad for father's day and I have noticed, over time, that they were happy for me to do that but wanted to choose things for me and I think that reflects what they are each of us model.

You're at the start of this and it's a long journey. But try to remember that your child has years of trying to manage his relationship with both of you - you'll want to be there when he graduates, marries and has children and you won't want him to have to choose between you. You don't have to spend a lot, it can even be pretty tacky when children are young (they'll love it) if that makes it easier, I was certainly that petty in the early days!

I got my ex a gimp suit he loved now we are back together

I would if DS requested it

I would if DS was with his dad at Christmas

I wouldn't for any other reason though. I've only ever bought something with DS for DS's benefit ( no awkwardness of not having a gift to give at Christmas etc)

Even then just a token gesture

I think you need to think about what you want to teach your child

Likewise, showing him that you buy gifts for people who upset you and make you cry isn’t always wise.