Does your approach to work change after you have children?

Tierrasfuente · 14/12/2020 20:14

I still like work and that it gives me an identity but on my days off I am happy to switch to my other identity. Sometimes I have felt I am not brilliant at either identity though because I can't focus solely on either.

Zeetah · 14/12/2020 20:15

True for me. I have a professional job and am still professional and make sure my work is high quality, but I’m now satisfied with “good enough” rather than the best possible.

I’m also perfectly happy to say no now - if something cuts into time with my DC it is a no from me. I no longer involve myself with all the non-essential aspects of working life that cut into weekends or evenings, eg social stuff.

Being a good mum is more important to me than achieving career greatness (although I’ve already achieved a very decent status before I had DC so hardly a failure).

Zeetah · 14/12/2020 20:19

I worry about having children now because I worry about what work would think! That's how much it influences me

The vast majority of employers don’t care about you - you make them money & are easily replaceable.

A few things have happened to me this year to confirm in my mind that my employer does not care about me. So while I do my best at my job I wouldn’t make significant personal sacrifices for work.

nicelyneurotic · 14/12/2020 22:25

I'm even more committed to work now. Depends what your job is and your personality type. Oh and how much support you get at home.

ninecoronas · 14/12/2020 22:31

Yep! I am now more efficient at my job, and conversely much less upset by all the screaming bullshit that quite often happens when things go wrong. I used to take it very much to heart. And I am better about standing up for my rights when they try to take the piss with hours etc because now they are not the only ones who need me and my time.
I do love my job and it is still a huge part of my life but it's nice for it not to be the only thing that defines me, and all the associated pressure.

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/12/2020 22:33

Having children won’t cure your anxiety. I’m shocked someone has seriously suggested that to you.

Catwoman1985 · 14/12/2020 22:35

I think I'm the opposite. I used to be really career-orientated but now I am all about the home/ family life, oops! Work makes me anxious so I find it easier to focus on home

Shinyletsbebadguys · 14/12/2020 22:37

I will be upfront and say initially I really struggled to marry the two. However now that I have it has given me boundaries that not only kept me sane but made me better at my job. Ultimately I realised that if i had to choose between people who felt i let them down then i would rather not be my children i let down. So i started to set boundaries with work , blow me if i didn't get more respect ( i had absolutely not seen that coming).

There were days where i was pushed to do more and work weren't great , I lost jobs due to being a parent. Honestly though I got better ones also because of the skills that came with being a parent. I wasn't so obsessed with work and could see the big picture far better after DC.

In my role though at the time it did have some downsides,I worked with a lot of people who had criminal records , propr to DC I could work with anyone , after ,anyone with child sex offenders I simply couldn't (thankfully I was in management by that time so I didn't need to have direct contact).

There are bad days and good days but overall I would honestly say that becoming a parent made me better at my job ,but there are huge sacrifices and it is a bumpy road , lots of days of tears and guilt.

So yes DC changed my perspective but it was a very hard won thing.

CheshireSplat · 14/12/2020 22:43

My attitude to work is exactly the same as it was before and I take it very seriously. I remember picking up a Saturday paper when DD1 was 1 day old and being surprised I was still as interested in politics as before she was born. I'd been led to believe nothing else would seem significant again!

I have changed a little, motherhood has taught me to be much more in the moment and to enjoy quiet time, but that has taken years because I used to feel frustrated that I wasn't achieving anything. I have had to recondition myself to play with the children rather than tick items off a to do list.

But apart from that, my attitude to life hasn't changed at all. I have a very supportive DH who is the prime carer so I am sure that has made a difference. If he wasn't around so much, I would have to put the children before work. (Obviously I would in an emergency, but I don't normally have the pressure to drop everything to get to the school gate at 5 for example. )

Almostslimjim · 14/12/2020 22:46

Having kids made me much more career focussed. I got a promotion within 6 months of returning after DC1 and another within 4 weeks of DC2.

Work is a break for me, something I'm good at, I enjoy and I feel valued and 'myself'.

I have no desire to be a sahm.

Oly4 · 14/12/2020 22:49

It sounds like your anxiety is the issue here, not work per se. Definitely needs sorting.
I’m not anxious about work after having dc but I don’t think I woke less than before

MRC20 · 14/12/2020 22:51

Well we can't answer that for you but I honestly could have written your post 4 years ago. I'd worked 60-70 hour weeks for 20 years in a career I loved and could not imagine that changing. Work was my life (also had a good social life but mainly through work!).

DP and I decided to have one child. I planned to take 6 months mat leave but would go back into the office once/twice a month to keep up to date, then I'd go back full time. I got pregnant and as I left to start maternity leave told my boss I'd see her in 6 weeks.

Never set foot in the building again. Have been a SAHM ever since and have 2 kids. Thinking about going back to work a couple days a week next year but maybe not, love being with my boys. Who'd have thought.

Stationfork · 14/12/2020 22:59

Hmmm. I'm a mother and work is still incredibly important to me tbh. It is rock hard to do both.

ShirleyPhallus · 14/12/2020 23:04

@MRC20

Well we can't answer that for you but I honestly could have written your post 4 years ago. I'd worked 60-70 hour weeks for 20 years in a career I loved and could not imagine that changing. Work was my life (also had a good social life but mainly through work!).

DP and I decided to have one child. I planned to take 6 months mat leave but would go back into the office once/twice a month to keep up to date, then I'd go back full time. I got pregnant and as I left to start maternity leave told my boss I'd see her in 6 weeks.

Never set foot in the building again. Have been a SAHM ever since and have 2 kids. Thinking about going back to work a couple days a week next year but maybe not, love being with my boys. Who'd have thought.

This is exactly how I feel. I love and have loved my job which is high pressure / high paid etc etc and I thought I’d give up mat leave quickly to go back. But I couldn’t give a shit now I’ve witnessed the miracle of life (

)

I’m going back after mat leave cos we have a mortgage to pay but I think I’d be very happy playing with DD all day every day forever

Oneliner · 14/12/2020 23:13

I got much more efficient with everything after I had kids.

Nore · 14/12/2020 23:16

@Oneliner

I got much more efficient with everything after I had kids.

I agree. I became more productive, more assertive and more money-focused. Having the clock ticking on childcare makes you stop faffing.

BackforGood · 14/12/2020 23:16

Well, it won't cure your anxiety.

I think it can give you a bit of perspective.

On a practical level, it means you are no longer able to "just stay to finish this off' , if you are the one picking up from Nursery, etc, and there will be times when you have to take a day or two off because they are ill, but I'd have thought if you are anxious about your work, that would raise anxiety levels, not lower them.

I think also, as you go through life, you can gain a bit of perspective from other things - a friend dying young or even a parent, before they got to enjoy their retirement or whatever, so your outlook towards work can change as you go through life with or without dc.

PussyMalanga · 14/12/2020 23:23

Absolutely not. I adore my work. It gives me a huge sense of pride and identity. Of course I love my DD but I have a life that encompasses but isn't ruled by motherhood.

user1471604848 · 14/12/2020 23:26

Your post resonates with me.
I have a quite senior role, and work has always defined me. Pre-kids I could work till midnight if I wanted to.
Now I've 9-month old twins. I hid the pregnancy from work till 25 weeks, since I didn't want to give any impression that my work focus was changing. The thing I find hardest is HAVING to stop work at 6:30pm, even if I'm in the middle of a productive session. I checked in with work regularly during maternity leave and applied for, and got, a new role.
Juggling both is very new to me, so I don't know how it will play out longer term, but I really feel I need two of me, to focus on both work and the babies.
I try to tell myself that millions of other parents have the same juggling act, and they get through it.

SlB09 · 14/12/2020 23:27

My work standards, drive, commitment and desire to achieve hasn't changed. Got a good promotion 3months after going back from mat leave and studied hard for 6months too while LO was young. However the balance is somewhat difficult as PP has said, sometimes you feel your not doing your best at either. I work 3 days and that's enough to maintain the balance for me.
My ability to put up with bullshit and my assertiveness has matured greatly since having a child. Also my respect for working parents and all this encompasses has developed greatly, we are some of the most productive people who are really good at prioritising workload, keep a cool head mainly, know what matters and also being a parent gives you connections with people you didn't have before.
I will say though as child has got older and is now coming out of toddler days the pull to be home is even greater and the clarity in what's important grows all the time. Child is my upmost priority. However my career is also important, I've worked hard to get to where I am and I don't want to stop learning because I have a child, learning has always been something that's motivated me.

There's a recent Dr Chatterge podcast with a palliative care consultant that's worth a listen..... "In all my career nobody has ever reached their final days and said I wish I'd worked more".

If it's what you want then do it, work on your anxieties and self esteem. Work will function without you I'm afraid to say.

Grellbunt · 14/12/2020 23:30

If you are very single minded, focussed and prone to overthinking, you may find that transfers into whatever you do. Some very focussed career women just switch to being very focussed on their kids. They like doing one thing.

badg3r · 14/12/2020 23:31

I love my job just as much as pre kids but am more efficient bite and worry less about when things go wrong. Having a family did help put things in perspective for me. I still worry about both but before if work was going badly I felt like a failure whereas now if it's not going so well usually the kids are doing well so I can focus on that instead!

isolationhelp23 · 14/12/2020 23:33

For me nothing changed. Work is very important and I still think about it just as much as I did before. it is very difficult to do both but (in normal times) I have reliable childcare, a DH that does his fair share and completely gets that my work is important (vice versa), and luckily they my kids are 4 and 2, both sleep well so I do a lot after bedtime too.

The hardest thing is when say your kid is ill and that has to sometimes come first. And I do have to say that working and trying to keep up the same standard and commitment during lockdown and kids isolating has been the biggest and most stressful challenge of my career.

janetmendoza · 14/12/2020 23:35

Well I found having children did cure my workplace anxiety. And without that anxiety I have achieved much more at work. I just don't have head space for pettiness arsiness or faffing at work anymore. I am too busy at home for that. So I do it once and I do it well and no prisoners taken if others try any of the above. I suppose it is just that I can no longer afford to be such a people pleaser as I don't have energy to waste. Have been promoted beyond all reason since becoming a parent.

Guineapigbridge · 15/12/2020 07:46

I've been doing the work and home balancing act for 10 years now. I can say that the balance tips one way and then the other. Like a slow seesaw. Neither side dominates completely. And yet, a perfect horizontal balance never eventuates either.