Does your approach to work change after you have children?

[SugarCanes]

Right now it feels like work is the most important thing in my life and gives me a lot of anxiety. I feel I would have no identity if I lost my job, and I'm always worried about work when I'm not there (I'm getting CBT for this)

People tell me, that once I have kids (if I have them) I will gain perspective and won't think work is such a big deal anymore, and it would be a means to an end.

Is that true? One thing that worries me about having children is that I would have two big things to worry about and if I could have a successful career with DC. I worry about having children now because I worry about what work would think! That's how much it influences me.

Work has become much more important to me since having children. I found maternity leave very difficult, I obviously loved spending time with my children but I did feel a bit lost. I ended up getting a promotion after my second maternity leave, started studying to further my career and moved to a more prestigious company.

Having children really helped me see what my job meant to me, it’s part of my identity as well as my career. If I have to work and be away from my children I’m going to make sure it’s worth it.

Whoever has said those things sound patronising and ignorant about mental health matters!

Agree with PPs, and it’s been my experience, that if mental health is a factor in your troubles at work, having DC is very unlikely to help with that, and will probably do the latter!

The ‘motherhood penalty’ at work and sex discrimination are shit, for a start. Have experienced both those.

Much also depends on your partner and whether, when it comes down to it, they will do their fair share of parenting and the much increased domestic work after DC, if that impedes on their working life. IMO the majority of fathers don’t.

Your priorities change, but work becomes important for different reasons. It's gives you the means to support your family, save for yours (pension) and their future, and it gives you your own identity, which I find really important.
I worked hard to establish my career, and I would get involved in all sorts of things to challenge myself and to progress, go away when work needed me to etc. Now I can't travel because of parenting responsibilities and I'm less inclined to do 'extra' things because my career is well established, any further progression would mean being away from home frequently (in normal times), and I just don't need the extra stress 'challenging' myself brings.

It's just different is all. But if you're finding work stressful just now pull back a bit if you can. If you don't have to and you're not enjoying it then don't. Life is too short to spend it all worrying about work

My work is less all consuming but I'm better at it as I'm more organised and have greater perspective.

I would say that having children has spurred me own to progress my career further. Secured a promotion after my first maternity leave. Am trying to secure another promotion since have DC2 but am also completing a qualification, which will add another string to my bow.

I agree with pp that having support from your other-half is crucial, as I wouldn't have been able to take the career steps I've done over the last few years if I didn't have DH's support.

I used to have a call centre/office admin type role, and really liked my job, and wanted to do a good job. I never took sick days.
Once I had children and went back only part time it then just became a job and I never felt the same about work again.

I became much more efficient and much less invested in work as my identity. No geadspace for all the office politics or for pointless meetings. But I felt more pressure to not lose that job as i had little mouths to feed.

It gives you perspective.

I find I am more productive at work post kids as it means I haven’t got time to idle and chat if I want to maintain my work to a high standard. I’ve progressed a lot career wise since having them, they have made me more confident in many ways. Not having that time to waste at work has helped my anxiety as I simply don’t have the time or energy to overthink things like I did before.

If you are prone to anxiety I would recommend some cbt prior to having kids and I found I’ve transferred some anxiety over to them, specifically their health. When you’re responsible for keeping little people alive it tends to go into overdrive, especially when they’re teeny tiny.

When l am at work, l am 100% focused on the job but when l am not there, l barely give it a second thought. It is a really nice balance l feel.

Ambition dies at 35...
Whether you've had offspring by then or not.

Gavel.

My ambition and focus haven’t changed. I have a challenging job that requires complete focus and that makes a difference to people’s lives.

The ‘nobody regrets not working more on their deathbed’ trope is stupid and entirely untrue. There are many people who regret not having had meaningful work. My own mother amongst them.

Ambition dies at 35 is also surely the observation of a loser. Most career success is achieved after that age. Amongst the true high-fliers, at any rate.

Focus on fixing your anxiety, identity and your self esteem before having kids OP. Because you are in danger of replacing one 'job' to define yourself with another, that of being a mum.

What do you do for yourself outside of work? Hobbies, interests, social life? Get those things now because you will need them to help you avoid losing yourself when you have kids.

I got put at risk of redundancy and redeployed twice in the space of three years. After being quite literally fucked over by work, I did have a bit of an identity crisis and struggled to pick myself up. But now I have a balance. I now do what suits me and my family. Work didn't care about me when they told me my job no longer existed when I was 30 weeks pregnant. I don't care about them either.

Depends how disposable you are at work?

Neurosurgeon? Maybe, yes.

An easily replaceable, '9-5' job with few responsibilities? Not so much.

I had your same worry and when I was pregnant I struggled with the idea that work wouldn't be my first priority. Then baby came along and in the first few months I still was very much the old me.
I went back to work 9 months later and got promoted, so at that point not only I had to manage my responsibilities as a parent but also handle the pressure of a new role as a manager.
Fast forward a year, I found my balance and I have next to zero anxiety. Becoming a parent has given me a different perspective. All what matter is my baby and work is just work. But I also become very good at not letting things stress me at work as I put things into perspective now and I don't have time to worry about nonsense problems that once I thought were so important ha ha.

It made me realise that you don't need to be working long hours to get ahead and do well. You have an excuse to finish on time and manage your workload around your actual hours.

@trixiebelden77

Aaaaand..... unclench.
My good friend always said that he'll retire at the same age as most ballerinas, 30ish that is. He did, retired a millionaire many times over. Not that he was a ballerina, mind you, with his rugby player physique.
Most people who have the burning ambition and drive to succeed will be on the path to do just that by the age of 35, however, there are about as many exceptions to this as there are inctances to support this 'rule'.
Each their own and all that.....