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Original poster

Explaining loss/death to a small child

36 replies

CloudyVanilla · 08/12/2020 19:41

I'm looking for some advice about talking to my very young children about losing a loved one. I lost my father today and am still in shock to be honest.

But I'm planning now on spending Christmas with my mother to support her and so the DC will need to be informed he has passed away as obviously he will not be there.

My DC are just 5, just 3 and under 1. If any of you have been through explaining these things I'd be so grateful for advice. Before lockdown they saw their grandparents weekly so are close.

I just honestly don't know what to say to make it as gentle as possible on them. I want to say he has gone to heaven I think but what is appropriate and what is too upsetting?

OP posts:

CheshireCats · 08/12/2020 19:47

We said gone to heaven. Look for the brightest star in the sky - the one shining the brightest to you. That is (loved one) always watching over you.
My youngest was 2 and a half. We didn't think she would understand but told her at the same time as the older ones. We were shocked that she did understand that she wouldn't see her loved one again. It was the right thing to do to include her, and let her listen to the questions the older ones asked.
Sorry for your loss op. 💐

HarryHarryHarry · 08/12/2020 19:48

I just said Grandma is gone. He asked when he would see her and I said we can’t, she’s not here anymore.

Superstardjs · 08/12/2020 19:51

I am very sorry for your loss

They are very little so don't need lots of information. If he has gone to heaven, tell them that: Grandad was very poorly and the doctor couldn't make him better so he died and has gone to heaven.
They may be totally disinterested or ask lots of (awful) questions. Let them ask or ignore, but don't force the conversation to continue beyond their level of understanding and interest. Don't think you can't cry in front of them, it's very sad and they are allowed to see that (as long as you aren't hysterical- I speak from experience there I'm afraid).
It won't make much sense to them until they register he isn't there anymore, so it won't be real to them for a little while possibly.

theresagiantonthebeach · 08/12/2020 19:52

My DD died when my DD was 5. she knew that he had been unwell and I told her he was now in heaven and free of pain.
you may find the books. sad by Michael rosen and goodbye mog by Judith kerry helpful.

so sorry for your loss

theresagiantonthebeach · 08/12/2020 19:53

Sorry typo my DF died

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/12/2020 19:58

It depends what your beliefs are what you tell them. I think there are good children’s books though that explain death depending on your religion or spiritual beliefs.
For us, we believe in reincarnation (Bhuddists) so I had a children’s storybook that used imagery of a sea shell and said that every shell represents a creature that had left its old shell for the next life to go live in a brand new shell. That our bodies are just shells and when they wear out, we die and go into a brand new body to live a new life adventure.

Original poster

CloudyVanilla · 08/12/2020 20:06

Thank you for your replies

I think I will keep it brief, but my DD since starting school has become very sensitive to these kinds of things. Clearly her world view is widening and she through various means has become aware that people (and dogs) die. So I'm ultra aware of breaking this to her gently.

I am going to wait until the end of the week to tell them as DD breaks up from school so I won't have to tell her then ship her off. So far I am just thinking of saying:

Grandad has gone to heaven
He was poorly and now he is in heaven he doesn't have to feel poorly anymore
It is okay to be sad. Mummy is sad but because I miss him, not because I am worried about him

I'm just a little traumatised myself as when my lovely nan died nobody really bothered to tell me outright, but I overheard the one sided conversation between my mum and dad over the phone and had to infer everything myself. I felt like I couldn't talk about my feelings because I hadn't supposed to have heard or understood the conversation. I want to navigate my DD through this better.

@HarryHarryHarry was your DC okay with just being told no to seeing them anymore? They didn't ask or wonder or seem upset?

OP posts:

StarsOnAMat · 08/12/2020 20:07

I had to tell my four year old that his grandad had died in the summer. He’d been ill with cancer and my children (I also have a one year old) didn’t see him in the last month as he was asleep most of the time and too weak to interact when he wasn’t. I said grandad had been very ill and sometimes people’s bodies get too ill to fix, grandad had died and we were going to bury his body like we did when the gerbil died. So it meant we couldn’t see him anymore but if he wanted to see photos, daddy had lots of them. The first couple of times we went to the house, he went round looking for him but we just reminded him and he stopped asking. It sounds harsh using the words died and dead but I thought it was important to be clear that he wasn’t coming back. I didn’t take them to the funeral as I didn’t think they would get anything out of it and the numbers were heavily restricted anyway as it was in September.

I’m sorry for your loss.

HarryHarryHarry · 08/12/2020 20:27

Funnily enough no! The older one just accepted it. When I said we were going to the church to light a candle for Grandma on her anniversary he asked if she’d be there and was disappointed when I said no. I told him again that she was gone. I didn’t want to say she was in heaven as I don’t believe in it myself. Saying she was gone was enough.

HarryHarryHarry · 08/12/2020 20:31

I think it really depends on their ages. Mine don’t quite understand the concepts of “alive” or “dead” yet but if they were a bit older I think I’d just be honest with them.

keeperswif · 08/12/2020 20:33

I wouldn't definitely agree just be honest when my aunt was dying my uncle tried to shield my cousin but children are smart and by being honest when she passed she was ready and able to deal with it

keeperswif · 08/12/2020 20:33

Sorry meant would be honest x

Bluebelltulip · 08/12/2020 20:37

The professional advice I was given was to be clear and direct, try and avoid terms such as lost and gone as it can be confusing. Be prepared for lots of little conversations instead of big ones with questions cropping up randomly.

GymSloth · 08/12/2020 20:40

I'm so sorry for you loss

As a pp has said, words like dead and died can sound a little harsh to us, but I think it better to use that than vague words. And don't say things like 'he's sleeping now' as they might be afraid to fall asleep themselves.

My ds started worrying that other family members might die too, so he needed lots of reassurance.

It's such a difficult time - worrying about how your children are coping and having to be strong whilst feeling devastated. Try to have a little bit of time to yourself if you can over the next few weeks and months.

Twinkie01 · 08/12/2020 20:48

When they are little i'd say that when we get very very old our bodies wear out. My XH told DD that the doctors couldn't cure his DGF and she was terrified each time she got ill that the doctors couldn't cure whatever was wrong.

I'm sorry for your loss. X

Original poster

CloudyVanilla · 08/12/2020 20:51

Thanks so much for these tips they are really helpful, I hadn't thought about those word choices and will definitely avoid vague words like lost and gone and will be sure not to say stuff about sleeping or being poorly, that makes total sense.

OP posts:

Original poster

CloudyVanilla · 08/12/2020 20:53

I know it might seem odd being on here so much on the day he passed but I'm emotionally exhausted and it really helps to have these distractions and also do practical things like planning what to say to my lovely little DC. It makes me feel better knowing I will be prepared to support them. Wish it didn't have to happen right before Christmas though 😞

OP posts:

LittleLego · 08/12/2020 20:53

I kept it plain and simple when explaining my DM had died to DD - nearly 4

I explained she had died and her body didn't work anymore. She had been poorly but it was still sudden. I think children benefit from keeping it as simple as possible. We didn't use heaven as we're not religious. I said her energy has gone back into the world - the flowers the stars etc. Try not to use the words sleeping as they can associate that with bedtime. We also talked about how it was very sad and mummy would always be sad as I loved DGM very much, she saw me cry but not sob, I managed to save that for later. I think it's important to explain how adults feel big emotions too and that's ok.

DD is very sensitive too and has asked lots of questions, some really tricky to answer but I try and be honest if I can. Children are good at recognising when you're fobbing them off

I'm very sorry for your loss OP, I hope you have some support too

oldfarmgirl · 08/12/2020 21:02

So sorry for your loss op and I second everything that has been said above.

Just a thought though, (as a Reception teacher) you needn't hold off saying anything if you are worried about telling her then sending her to school. There will be staff at school who have dealt with this before and can support your DD if needed, and her teacher will keep an eye on her.

The children may well pick up on your understandable upset anyway and it may be better just to tell her tomorrow after school then she can be with you in the evening and go to school the next day.

But, only you know what's best for you and your family.

ThisIsNotARealAvo · 08/12/2020 21:04

It's best to explain simply and tell them that the person has died. They need to understand that they are not coming back. Saying gone or passed on or lost can be confusing for young children.

This is the advice we were given when young children came back to school and we knew some had been bereaved.

AIMD · 08/12/2020 21:09

So sorry you lost your dad op! Thoughts are with you!

There’s some lovely books about death or loosing someone. It Might be worth looking for some to read with your children. Most likely you will tell them this week but over the coming weeks they will probably ask some of the same questions again or ask more about it as they process what it means.

We have a book that explains death in a circle of life type way that I really like, but that aligns with my beliefs (I’m not religious so didn’t want to talk about heaven).

The book ‘Invisible strings’ isn’t about death specifically but is about separation from
A loved one and is a lovely book to read with children who have lost someone.

Oxyiz · 08/12/2020 21:24

Winston's Wish is often mentioned on here. Its a charity set up for supporting children through loss - might be worth looking them up and seeing their guidance OP?

SewVeryLazy · 08/12/2020 21:32

I don't have much to add to all the good advice so far. My son was nearly 5 when my nan died and was obsessed with how he didn't want to die at the time (even before her, just a phase). I was simple and direct, and when he is sad about wanting to see her, I tell him that we can just see her in our memories now. He has decided she is in heaven but I don't believe that so never said it myself, I assume it has come from school.
Hope you are ok, try not to worry, children are much more resilient about these things than most adults are

thelegohooverer · 08/12/2020 21:44

I would explain that Grandad has gone to Heaven which is a wonderful happy place, but that the people left behind sometimes feel sad and lonely because they miss him.
That lets them know that you’re not worried about him.

Obviously you know your dc best, but it can actually be a good thing for them to go to school and experience their normal routine, when there is a death or tragedy, provided they’re not struggling with school. It can actually be a great source of reassurance and safety.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

purringpaws · 08/12/2020 21:48

I am sorry for your loss OP

I was told heaven when I was 3. Was confusing and no one really explained it properly. I'd be straight up.

Grandads body stopped working and he died. This means we can't see him again etc.

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