Explaining loss/death to a small child

[CloudyVanilla]

I'm looking for some advice about talking to my very young children about losing a loved one. I lost my father today and am still in shock to be honest.

But I'm planning now on spending Christmas with my mother to support her and so the DC will need to be informed he has passed away as obviously he will not be there.

My DC are just 5, just 3 and under 1. If any of you have been through explaining these things I'd be so grateful for advice. Before lockdown they saw their grandparents weekly so are close.

I just honestly don't know what to say to make it as gentle as possible on them. I want to say he has gone to heaven I think but what is appropriate and what is too upsetting?

I told my 9 and 5 yo that Grandpa (My Dad) died last year. They both understood straight away and the 5yo talks about it confidently e.g. of course Grandpa won't be there because he died, What was Grandpa's job before he died etc. Be matter of fact but add lots of positives about times they enjoyed being with him etc. Sorry for your loss.

I'm very sorry for your loss OP.

I agree that you should say that your df died and this means their body doesn't work any more, they can't think any more, they can't see or hear or feel.

This is a good book to explain death to your 5yo.

Also Badgers Parting Gift would be good although hard to read without crying.

So sorry for your loss :(
I think your plan sounds sensitive and sensible. Is there anything tangible your little ones could have to remember him? I know when a friend's grandfather died, she had his favourite shirt sent away to a lady who made it into several small shirts for all the great grandchildren, and then she bought same sized teddies for them all, so they all have a special 'great grandpa bear' to cuddle when they miss him, wearing a little piece of him. I thought that was lovely.

so sorry for your loss, @CloudyVanilla.

My kids are the same ages and have also recently lost their grandad. We spoke to people about how to break the news and they said to be sure that you say they have died to ensure no ambiguity and they know they will not return. Dont use the phrase Grandad has gone to sleep as they may fear you or they may go to sleep and not wake up.

We told them that grandad was very ill and the doctors did all they could to help but they couldn't fix him and he died. We also said we would have a funeral where we would have his body turned into ashes but that his soul had gone to heaven to be with Nana. We all cried and said we could cry as much and as often as we liked and it was ok to be sad and miss him and talk about him. It was hard. They are still heartbroken and get upset but its important to be truthful with them I think.

I'm very sorry for your loss, may your dad rest in peace x

We just explained it as the circle of life. You are born, you hopefully live an amazing life, filled with experiences and joy and if all goes well you die an old (wo)man.
At my grandmother's funeral there was an open casket and my 5 year old understood that great-grandma was there but not there anymore. I talked a lot about the deceased person's life.

"Mummy is sad but because I miss him, not because I am worried about him"
This is a very beautiful but important and reassuring thing to say - good choice of words.
There is a book called 'Cry, Heart, But Never Break', it's a story for children about death, but actually now I wonder if yours age 5 would still be a little bit young for it. One to look for in a year or so though, it's a good book to read anyway not only when grieving.
I'm so sorry for your loss!

So sorry for your loss @CloudyVanilla ❤️
My dad passed away a long time ago but my DD who is 4 has been to the cemetery with me on several occasions and I have told her that my daddy is in heaven and we come here to speak to him as he is forever sleeping. I tell her that at night he turns into a star and looks down on us and in the day he is a Robin. We often see them, particularly if I'm sad or have really good news.

She seems to understand

My husband died when my kids were 4 and 6. It was unexpected. I just told my kids that Daddy had become very ill suddenly and that he had died, and they wouldn't see him again. He didn't believe in God or heaven and we had not brought them up that way so I didn't say anything about that, but I think they did ask where he was, I think I said he was watching out for them and was always part of them and they could carry him around in their hearts. Hardest thing I've ever had to do.
They had lost their grandfather just a few months earlier and had been to his funeral so understood what it all meant.

Thanks again for your kind words

I have definitely taken on board some important points and am glad I asked as some I wouldn't have thought of.

Lots to deal with today but come Friday I will feel more confident I think.

@Nordman that book looks beautiful!

@BritInAus that is a lovely idea. I have a few special bird pins that I may be able to pin on simething for them

Sorry for your loss.

When my DDad died I explained that his body had stopped working properly and the doctors couldn’t fix it. (He was in hospital so they knew he was ill).

This might help
www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/for-parents/childrens-understanding-of-death

Young children tend to live in the present so once they have an explanation that works for them they don’t be surprised if they move on to more mundane matters.