New career, migrating, with kids, in my late 40s - I've got this?

[Anycrispsleft]

Am I biting off more than I can chew here? Please tell me I'm not! I live in Germany as a trailing spouse, not working, I've got nearly 9yo twins, and my career options are limited here. I have a science degree and a varied and odd work history, and it would be difficult for me to get into any sort of professional job here, where my language skills are just OK, and it's not really the done thing to change career, nor is it particularly easy to work if you have a family, as childcare is sparse here where we live and school finishes at 1pm!

I am seriously thinking about a move back to my native Glasgow. DH would stay here, as he has a good job that he wouldn't be able to do in Scotland (although he would have the option to work freelance in coming years, when he's closer to retirement maybe - he is 47, I'm 44.) I would go and do the PGDE with a view to becoming a chemistry teacher in Glasgow. We would be in a position to buy a house in a nice area of Glasgow (posher than I grew up in anyway!) and would have the money for a mother's help and a cleaner, so like, it would be quite a nice life. We would aim to be back in Germany/Switzerland during most of the holidays so that the kids would still see a lot of DH. We would aim to do the move in a year and a half when the kids are finished primary school here (aged 10) to minimise the disruption for them. DH and I are quite excited about the prospect of doing this - DH would use the opportunity to move to his native Switzerland, which was out of our reach cost wise when we arrived, but he could afford to buy a flat there now, and both of us are looking forward to being on home turf after many years of travelling around for jobs. We sort of got stranded in Germany when the kids were little - DH got made redundant in the UK and we went where he could get work, I was grateful at the time that we had somewhere nice to settle as the kids were so small, but it is very quiet here and now that the kids are old enough to be mobile it would be a fantastic opportunity for me to move from being a bit of a spare wheel here with few job prospects and little to do, to having a decent professional career, back in my home country where I know how things work, I feel more confident, I can really contribute to society etc (here I'm not even allowed to give blood, as they exclude people who lived in the UK during the BSE outbreak!) I feel the kids - girls - will have a lot better example too, not just me working, but the area of Germany we live in is quite conservative and as I say it is common for mothers not to work. The move wouldn't exclude them from once studying or working in Germany, as we all have Swiss citizenship - there's plenty of places here that are great for working families, just not this corner of the country.

Now that I've typed all that out it feels like an easy decision, but when I wake up at 3 in the morning I think, god, can I do this? Teaching in Scotland is a nicer prospect than England, but still no picnic - I have a few friends who teach, and I'm told to expect a 50 hour week minimum, more to start with. It would just be me, I don't have any family left in Glasgow really, and I wouldn't have that sort of mutual playdate network that I have here now. It would be a huge change for the kids - not only changing home and school, but changing school language, and also they would see less of DH and much less of me. DD2 has ADHD and has till now relied a bit on me being able to help her with schoolwork (although potentially that will be easier, as her English is much better than her German). I'm also painfully aware that job opportunities are better in Germany than they are in Scotland for people although possibly not for women, depending.

Christ that was long. Thank you if you managed to read this far! I just wanted to ask if anyone has done this sort of thing, do you have any advice, does it sound doable? Am I crazy for considering this? Should I just go for it? Any thoughts gratefully received

This sounds like a convoluted way of leaving your marriage OP and I think you need to be honest with yourself and others about that and call a spade a spade. Your DH sounds totally selfish and not invested in you as a family. I’d be incredibly worried (understatement) if my husband was in any way enthusiastic about me moving to another country with our children. The set up you’re proposing isn’t a marriage or a family, not in my book. I’d be astounded if your relationship survived it and it sounds like perhaps you and your husband are both readily accepting of that fact.

This may or may not be the right decision for you and your children but I’d say you need to be clearer with yourself and them about the real issues and motivation. I don’t blame you for being angry with your husband for the position he put you in previously but are you not also raging that he’s ok with you moving his kids abroad? Doesn’t sound like a great dad I’ll be honest. Seems like he’s pretty keen on the ‘out’ as much as you are. He will live a bachelor lifestyle, in all senses I would expect. Think long and hard before you do this!

I wonder if you can do a pgce over 2 years instead of 1? I know many teachers work part time too, don't know if you can work part time from the start. That could be one way to make a very demanding job close to manageable perhaps? Leaving you able to go more fulltime when the kids are grown.

Why don’t you move now and give the kids some time to settle in before you have to start the PGCE? If you’re heading for divorce it makes sense to establish the country you want to live in as their country of residence, or you might end up stuck.

Ah @Anycrispsleft sorry, forgot to return to your thread, you've had great advice already.

Without giving you my full history, we'd been living in Amsterdam 5 years, had a house, kids in British school but we got to a stage where if we didn't move then we'd have to wait another 10 years in an effort not to disrupt anybody's education.

There was no equivalent job for DH in the UK so we made the decision for me & 3 kids to return to Scotland. We live commuting distance to an airport and my DH weekly commutes.

It works ok. He sees it as compressed commute (his day to day is 5 minutes). Moved to a 2 bed rented apartment which we can all stay in for the odd weekend away.

But our relationship is good.

Once my youngest got to about 13 I started looking for a job and got a place on one of many return to work type of apprentices. As a nearly 50 year old.

However I do have a universal qualification and had a decent pre-children CV so slightly different circumstances to yourself.

Maybe have a look at some of the returner websites. You might just find the right stepping stone. Women Returners is the one I looked at.

Morning!

Thanks again for all your thoughts and ideas. You've all given me a lot to think about. @LizzieMacQueen thanks for the tip on that Women Returners site, that's very interesting. It was also heartening to see that long distance marriage can work OK - a lot of our ex colleagues have ended up in that situation, we did it for two years when DH was first getting qualified - it had its pluses and minuses but it actually was quite a good time in our lives, which I guess is partly why we are both feeling quite excited about the prospect of doing it again. I don't know where I am with my relationship right now to be honest. The move to Germany and SAHM-ing was such a big (and unwelcome) one, coming off the back of a period of hospitals, bereavement and small twins, really knocked my self esteem and confidence and hope for the future, everything really, and I don't think I will be able to say how I feel about things until I'm back to having a bit of a life of my own. I don't think either of us would be all that keen to get into new relationships, I could see our post move relationship either bringing us closer or slowly moving towards just being friends that coparent, I mean maybe that's naive of me to believe of DH, but that's how it is for me.

Anyway I am now off to do a thread on the Staffroom and have my notions about teaching focused in cold water so let me say thank you again to all of you for contributing your time and experience - it was very kind.

I am now off to do a thread on the Staffroom and have my notions about teaching focused in cold water

lol - you'll be glad to know I never post in that topic!

lol - you'll be glad to know I never post in that topic!

I'm with @MacbookHo. Sounds like you're romanticising.
I feel the reality would be very different.

I would move to Switzerland and stay together as a family. You can retrain on line if you still want to.

I think you will find it much harder than you anticipate to juggle a full time teaching job with children on your own. Your marriage will be tested by the distance. The children will not see enough of their father. The list is endless.

You all move back or you move to Switzerland is my view. I think you are going to regret splitting up the family to follow a teaching career that you don't have any financial need to do, and it will put a huge strain on your family and marriage.

I will say many of our friends have divorced or become estranged in the situation you describe, so maybe that is affecting my feelings about your plan.

@houseinthesnow

I would move to Switzerland and stay together as a family. You can retrain on line if you still want to.

I think you will find it much harder than you anticipate to juggle a full time teaching job with children on your own. Your marriage will be tested by the distance. The children will not see enough of their father. The list is endless.

You all move back or you move to Switzerland is my view. I think you are going to regret splitting up the family to follow a teaching career that you don't have any financial need to do, and it will put a huge strain on your family and marriage.

The OP has sacrificed quite enough for her marriage, in my opinion, and has done so repeatedly, and without any reciprocal sacrifices. She wants to resume her career, stop being an unhappily trailing spouse, and live in a country she feels enthusiastic about , and if she feels able to pay the price for putting herself back at the centre of her own life by juggling solo parenthood, retraining and a potentially stressful job, then she should do it.

If her marriage has only survived because she continually goes along with her husband prioritising his work over everything else, to the tune of international moves which do not benefit her, then I think it's OK that she tests whether it can survive her focusing on her own wishes for the first time in years. If it can't, that's really not on her.

Good luck, OP. I have to say that from everything you say about your life, and how you feel about yourself, it sounds to me as if the potential difficulties of your new life in Glasgow will be mitigated by the fact that these are your problems, and your decisions and your career and your choice of city.

In my experience, it's far easier to deal with tough stuff if it's self-chosen with your eyes open, and not stuff you get stuck with as a consequence of decisions made by someone else.

Having spent my entire married life curtailing everything I want to do in order to fit round my DH's career I get you. Yes, absolutely move , but understand that in doing so you are ending your marriage. It's fairly clear what type of man your DH is. Self centred, self absorbed and completely inflexible. I've met a lot of men like that through my DH's work, and generally they like a woman around looking after them.

Why teaching? Do you have a real affinity with young people and desire to educate and improve their lives? Or is it because the holidays fit round family life? I ask because my DM gave up an excellent career in pharmacy to become a teacher, so she could be at home in the holidays. She hated it. Found the kids rude, the curicullum limiting and the endless government interference and red tape around teaching utterly soul destroying. It was interesting how she described a teacher my sis had as 'young, and inspiring, before she had it beaten out of her by the system'. There are schools and schools. Some are great, others you don't run your back on the class in case you get knifed. That's a direct quote from a teacher friend of mine.

In your shoes I'd look at a different career. Sign up to the Women Returners network. It is excellent. You will get regular emails with opportunities that might be of interest to you. With a great career behind you and proven experience in changing industry you will be a strong candidate.

Why Glasgow? How about Edinburgh?

Good luck.

Well that's you sorted. How about your DC? Have you asked them if they want to be taken away from what is familiar, their DF, school, friends? What does your DH think. You probably don't care and imagine this would be a way of ending the relationship You will need his permission to remove the children. Is he likely to give it if he thinks he may not see them again?

muckish raising children on your own with a FT job and a dh thousands of miles away is no walk in the park!

I am advising her to do what is right for her, because she WILL struggle. It sounds easy, but it really isn't and then what? I agree that now is the time her dh needs to perhaps make some sacrifices of his own, and move back (which I suggested) with her, even if that means he takes a hit on his salary. Her long term happiness is very important.

They have dc, so how do they feel about being uprooted and moved to Scotland? This is not all about op, the children face losing a parent, all of their friends, home and life. It is not as simple as it looks!

Another one saying 'Go for it!'

I would think about going sooner and finding work as a secondary school teaching assistant to start with. That way you would get to see what teaching is like, pick up some experience with classroom management, possibly get a foot in the door for Teach Direct or something similar.

You wouldn't have the pressure of the pgce so would be more available to help your daughters settle in to their new life.

You would get an idea of teaching as a career before committing to the pgce, and once back in Glasgow you may find it easier to explore other options if you decide teaching isn't for you after all.

Also I agree that the sooner you get the girls back to Scotland the better. I thought about it but wasn't brave enough and now it's too late. Where I am is their home but will never feel like home to me.

Have a look at "Now Teach" - website/linkedin for stories of older career changers moving into teaching.

I'm thinking about it in my 50s - but a lot of teachers will warn you off. I have friends that have done it and then moved on to sixth form or private schools - or even just tutoring. The key is to get that qualification.