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Original poster

Am I being 'one of those mums'?

34 replies

LittleTwiglet · 07/12/2020 13:52

So yesterday we went to a friends house where my one and a half year old has rarely been and is also not used to her or her children as we don't see them often. It was just a quick nip in. So we all stood in the kitchen with me holding DC hand while she stood next to me. My friends 5 year old was wreaking havoc around the house, and had already been told to be nice to DC by my friend. He ended up in DCs face and not giving much space between them. He then pulled DCs dummy out her mouth making get upset. I just said for him to remember to be nice as DC is not used to other kids being so close and touchy. My friend then got annoyed and said her boy wasn't not being nice, even tho she had already warned him. So was I okay to re-say to be nice or was I out of order even though my DC was upset by it?

OP posts:
Muddybuddy · 07/12/2020 13:54

A difficult one op. Is it your first baby? I only ask because if so, then you are at completely diff stages, your friend has a 5 year old and has been through all the baby years and is probably now at the stage where she is trying to let her child learn things whereas you are all about protecting your little one. She may have been exactly the same as you when she had a little one. I think it’s just different perspectives because of being at different stages

CloudyVanilla · 07/12/2020 13:57

She was rude. I have a 5 year old and she would not pull a dummy out of a baby's mouth and if she did she would be told off. It is something my slightly naughtier inclined just turned 3 year old would do!

I would have just kept baby away from him though tbh. Little children can be too rough with babies, even with the best intentions.

Original poster
LittleTwiglet · 07/12/2020 13:58

DC is my first. Yeah she has 5 children, and the 5 year old is second youngest. When her children have been naughty/misbehave they get yelled at and/or dragged out the room to bed, where all the children give abuse back when being told off.

I get the different perspectives thing, and maybe you're right. I just felt that she didn't need to get annoyed over it, especially when I did tell him off, just said the reminder to be nice because DC doesn't understand.

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Original poster
LittleTwiglet · 07/12/2020 14:00

CloudyVanilla - thats how I took it. And I was going to just hold DC but thought the interaction might be good as other kids were around. But I just couldn't imagine letting DC do that when the same age pulling the dummy out when they've already been told to behave.

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PurpleDaisies · 07/12/2020 14:01

Not really the point of the the thread but “Be nice” is a pretty unhelpful thing to say to a five year old. Specific instructions are much more useful. How are kids supposed to know what being “nice” means?

Did you friend have chance to respond to the dummy thing or were you straight in there?

I’d just write this one off as somewhere not to go for a play date in future.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 07/12/2020 14:02

In fairness to the 5 yo maybe they thought if the dummy was out your dc might talk to them?
Not as if he stamped it to the ground...

FestiveChristmasLights · 07/12/2020 14:03

When you have a five year old, you might well view a similar situation from your perspective differently. I would have just picked my DC up to remove her from the situation altogether.

Original poster
LittleTwiglet · 07/12/2020 14:07

I'm not saying its an extreme thing for the 5 year old to do, just that it isn't a nice thing to do to a baby when he was told to behave. Im not saying it was a malicious intent either, the issue was that my friend got annoyed with me over it. And I certainly wouldn't tell him off as he is not mine so not my place, thats why I just reminded him to be nice and go gentle as he knows from a previous visit that she is shy.
My real message was that was it right for my friend to get so annoyed or did I do something wrong.

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Original poster
LittleTwiglet · 07/12/2020 14:08

FestiveChristmasLights - thats what I done as I didn't want it escalating or either child getting upset further.

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leafcar · 07/12/2020 14:08

YANBU, I think I would've done the exact same thing pretty much. However I would've been boiling up on the inside Grin

ARoseDowntown · 07/12/2020 14:10

I wouldn’t have tried to teach the 5yo to “be nice, but I would have said “oh, please don’t do that dear, she doesn’t like it” and then picked her up.

It’s admonishing someone else’s child in their own home that your friend probably took objection to.

Original poster
LittleTwiglet · 07/12/2020 14:11

Leafcar - thank you, I'm glad I'm not the only one! I have been questioning if I am one of those mums that oversteps the mark

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Changethetoner · 07/12/2020 14:12

Rather than saying "be nice", either you or the mum could have asked the five year old to go and find something eg. bricks, a toy car, to show to the baby. The child could have been directed towards a positive behaviour - instead of being left at the ankles of the adults, looking at the baby. Of course he pulled her dummy out, she was not interesting at all, and it caused a reaction - from the baby, and from all the adults.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 07/12/2020 14:13

I wouldn't say a walking 18 month old was a baby tbh.
Your friend was prob more narked with you and handled it badly.

Thedogshow · 07/12/2020 14:13

I agree, when you have a 5 year old you will almost certainly see it differently. 5 year olds do suddenly do things you don’t expect them to and don’t have a huge level of self control- they’re very experimental and this is how they learn.
It is difficult when you have 2 very different aged children in a situation like this.
Her 5 year old shouldn’t have done this, but generally unless it’s a very extreme situation I would remove my toddler (eg pick her up) if I was in someone else’s house and certainly would not tell off someone else’s child.
Most people I know who tell off someone else’s older child have not yet had a child of that age themselves and are usually first time parents who don’t really get it... yet!

Original poster
LittleTwiglet · 07/12/2020 14:14

I think if I had maybe had more interactions with children in general, and had not heard my friend previously telling him to be nice, that I could of worded it different, but I didnt want to overstep my mark nor ignore it so thought by saying be nice was a fair thing to say. But I see the point about speaking to a child in their own home, even though it was not intended like that.

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Moominmama5 · 07/12/2020 14:14

Doesn’t sound like you really told them off or raised your voice or anything. I’d have backed you up if I was the friend or done the same in your position. Don’t worry about it.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 07/12/2020 14:15

I can't imagine my 4 year old doing this unless he thought she couldn't talk with the soother in, but at the same time I wouldn't call a year and a half year old a baby...

Original poster
LittleTwiglet · 07/12/2020 14:18

Thank you Moominmama5, I feel really bad about it, but really didn't tell him off, I just said it in the way I usually speak with him or any child. It just made me feel like an awful person and obviously I dont have any previous experience or idea how to handle this kind of thing without offending

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baubling · 07/12/2020 14:19

Is it your first baby?
What the heck difference does that make? It doesn't matter whether the baby is the first or the tenth.

The 5-year-old had already been told to be nice, but then took the baby's dummy and made her upset, so they needed a reminder.

blacksax · 07/12/2020 14:23

No, you aren't being one of 'those mums' - your friend is.

ARoseDowntown · 07/12/2020 14:25

As a parent with only 18 months of parenting experience, less is best probably. Just watch what other people do/don’t do, and learn for your own child(ren). Obviously some things are a hard no - hitting, spitting, cursing, things that are obvious to anyone anywhere - but with everything else people do things differently and that’s okay. You look after your child, and leave it at that. You’ll soon find your tribe.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 07/12/2020 14:26

How would a 5 yo know removing a dummy wasn't nice though?

Babyfg · 07/12/2020 14:31

Tbh I think you might be a bit precious. Like still seeing her as a baby. The older child shouldn't really have pulled the dummy out of her mouth but the older child was probably really excited about having a little visitor. Or just intrigued by the dummy. Five years do things before they think it through. He was probably trying his best to be nice and welcoming but couldn't help over stepping.

The way you've spoken about her behaviour management sounds quite judgy. Are you sure she doesn't feel a bit judged by you that it probably annoyed her more than normal that you said what you did?

SantasDayOff · 07/12/2020 14:36

I think what you said was fine. She sounded tired.

Are you in Tier 1?