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Original poster

Everything is dark

28 replies

Hesrt · 05/12/2020 04:41

Is anyone awake? I am so alone and feel like I have no future. My relationship broke down a year ago and I have no future of a family now. I feel so old and beyond hope.

OP posts:
Cantchooseaname · 05/12/2020 04:43

It’s always darkest before the dawn.
Sorry it feels like that now.

Original poster
Hesrt · 05/12/2020 04:44

I’m scared about the future I don’t know how things ended up like this

OP posts:
Cantchooseaname · 05/12/2020 04:47

Can you make a warm drink, and plan something you enjoy for the weekend? A bath, a walk? You don’t have to deal with all of the future today- just the next hour, then the next.

Frownette · 05/12/2020 04:53

Completely agree that things feel darker at night. I mean not in a light sense :)

Sorry about break up OP, have you got yourself a hot drink if you like them? Flowers

Original poster
Hesrt · 05/12/2020 04:56

I could make a drink. I’m so broken. Just wanted a happy home with someone. I’ve done my best, tried my best, I’m exhausted now. I wish I didn’t have to do this for another day it is so lonely and the future makes me feel physically sick.

OP posts:
Frownette · 05/12/2020 05:00

It's ok, this is your lowest point. You're allowed to feel foxtrotted off and despondent but you will feel better later today.

Better things await. People are here so make a nice drink and come back to talk.

mandarinpink · 05/12/2020 05:01

Tell us a little about yourself. How old are you, work, health, interests?
We are here to listen.

Original poster
Hesrt · 05/12/2020 05:08

You are so kind. I’m 36, I’m an accountant. I live on my own no family close by. My relationship ended last year just as we had started ttc. I was so happy and excited and in love. I don’t have time to meet anyone now. Not properly. My brother has been with his now wife for 12 years and he is only 32. I will never have that with someone. It’s all over for me. I tried online dating in October and it wasn’t nice, nobody I wanted to date. I’m terrified of nights and days like this, coming back to an empty house. I don’t want a family alone and so trying to meet someone is all I have left and it feels like that’s over now

OP posts:
Frownette · 05/12/2020 05:12

So you're only 36, a mere whippersnapper, intelligent and accomplished.

You have all the time in the world to go a bit Louis Armstrong.

Original poster
Hesrt · 05/12/2020 05:14

I’m the only person everywhere that’s alone like this @Frownette at work, friends, no matter the context it’s me alone and everyone is settled down. I’m a total mess. Men my age want women in their twenties. I am so terrified of the future.

OP posts:
Onedropbeat · 05/12/2020 05:18

You are still so young

Try not to compare to your brothers relationship

Length of time in a relationship isn’t the prize

Dating can be disastrous but also beautiful

It’s ok to take a break after having some bad experiences and then try again when you are healed and ready for it

Do you want to talk about what put you off dating before and what you might be looking for?

When I divorced my ex when I was in my 30’s before I had children I thought at the tile it was all over for me.
Children for me was what I wanted more than anything and I started looking into doing that but on my own , which I would have done

Frownette · 05/12/2020 05:19

"Settled" doesn't mean everything to be frank. Outside appearances aren't always what they seem like, so many unhappy relationships.

Ok what's your goal now? To meet someone you connect with and have children?

Onedropbeat · 05/12/2020 05:22

And not all men want women in their 20’s

My younger husband always preferred someone older (I’m not that much older than him mind)
And I know plenty of men in their late 20’s / early 30’s who went on to marry women in their 30’s and I also know men in their early 40’s who went for women in their 30’s

You are at the prime of your life

It sounds like you’ve fallen out of love with yourself and lost confidence due to your break up and dating experience

Can you focus on what you do like about yourself?

Frownette · 05/12/2020 05:24

Agree with @Onedropbeat!

Original poster
Hesrt · 05/12/2020 05:24

I want to settle down but I am exhausted from it all. Online dating I was faced with men slagging off ex’s, mocking women for being fat (I’m slim and this repulsed me).men who were just plain slimy and in your face. I didn’t want to meet any

OP posts:
Frownette · 05/12/2020 05:26

Don't wish away your youth, you're far more of a shining star than you realise

Original poster
Hesrt · 05/12/2020 05:29

@Frownette I have baggage now, this whole thing broke me and I’m not who I once was. Who the hell wants someone who’s been through trauma. I can’t undo what happened and the impact it had on me it’s now part of who I am

OP posts:
Crapbuttrue · 05/12/2020 05:35

Speak to your GP about how you feel. It's so hard to feel anything positive when you are so down. It feels like a hole you can't get out of. Have you tried antidepressants?

They can't change your situation in life but they could make it easier to deal with whilst you try to heal yourself.

Your body clock is ticking and it's making you panic.

Frownette · 05/12/2020 05:36

Yes, I see what you're saying, but you're not really that old and I'm sorry things didn't work out with ex. Why did you split?

What makes you feel better at the moment?

Onedropbeat · 05/12/2020 05:36

Of course it is but don’t be ashamed of any trauma you have inside

You can seek help to process trauma if you feel you need to but don’t let it stop you from enjoying life

Men out there are likely to have had bad experiences especially by the time we reach out mid 30’s

It’s not there to define you

Sounds like the blokes you met when dating were a bad bunch and that’s unlucky but there are good men out there

TramaDollface · 05/12/2020 05:53

One of my friends is in your shoes at the moment and she’s in bits. I really feel for her; you’re absolutely not alone: She’s 45 so that really was her last chance for a family.

Its really tough going through this in a pandemic I know.

Maybe you need to focus on your mental health before you proactively seek out a new partner?

36 isn’t as old as you think. At 36 I’d just had my first baby and has been married under a year. Plenty can still change for you.

DateLoaf · 05/12/2020 06:05

OP I didn’t want to see this and run. Please talk to your GP about how you feel this morning. Life doesn’t have to be this miserable (or feel miserable at all!) just because you are not in a relationship right now or you’re not yet a mum. Online dating can be very hard as you’ve said and it is absolutely not the only way to meet people. You are very young. You’ve had a really rough time, give yourself a break.
I would recommend counselling or better still, psychotherapy if you can afford it. You could set that up online tomorrow.

Investing in yourself, in really, deeply knowing yourself, really exploring your own wants and fears and your own resilience is the best investment you’ll ever make for now and for your future (and as you’re an accountant please excuse that pun).

It will turn out OK. It will. Each day that you are looking after yourself, healing and learning about yourself and also working and building up your future security, connecting with your friends and family and building yourself new networks socially and professionally, exercising, eating and sleeping well and caring for yourself physically and mentally, following your own interests, doing something that connects you to your local community, doing something that regularly connects you by caring for someone else, well away from dating, is a step closer to the happy and stable life you are hoping for, whoever comes into your life in future.

Other posters are right, being in a relationship or being a mother doesn’t mean that everything is rosy, just have a quick look around MN for evidence of that. There are different pressures that come with that so it’s very important to work on building up your happiness and security in the life you live now, because you deserve happiness in now but also so that you have deep personal resources to draw on when the time comes. I wish you very well Flowers and also I am happy for you that you’ve already found MN because a place to talk is very powerful. Hope you get some sleep OP. Big virtual hug.

bananabob · 05/12/2020 06:26

@Hesrt hi...nights are horrible and lonely aren't they. I'm awake most of the night every night and the nights feel like they go on forever. I usually start to feel better once it gets light out so the winter is harder. I'm usually around here if you want to talk anytime so you're not feeling so alone 😊

Frownette · 05/12/2020 06:34

[quote bananabob]@Hesrt hi...nights are horrible and lonely aren't they. I'm awake most of the night every night and the nights feel like they go on forever. I usually start to feel better once it gets light out so the winter is harder. I'm usually around here if you want to talk anytime so you're not feeling so alone 😊[/quote]
Yeah, they can go badly - I have to stay at relative's tonight for caring purposes but am absolutely dying to shoot off to the shop 7am.

Hope OP ok.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 05/12/2020 07:24

Op I got divorced just before I was 35 and now I'm. In a ltr with a ds. I felt exactly as you did u till around 6mths to a year post divorce. Then the next 6 mths were the best, I was myself and it was ace. I slightly miss it now in a nostalgic way.
It honestly will get better and your far from over the hill! Do stuff for yourself... Decorate your home a colour you love but everyone else hated so you never could, buy some mad furniture or better still a shabby chic project and go mad.
Covid has been crappy and I can 100% say its not helped anyone's mental health.
Hang in there..as you have got this.