A question for parents of "shy" boys

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Hi all

DS is almost 5, and whilst I wouldn't say he was shy as such (he's a chatterbox, and loud) he is definitely on the more reserved side when I see him with the other boys in his class (reception).

He likes scooting and can ride a two wheeled bike well, and loves the outdoors, but has zero interest in sports, so no football, rugby etc. He's not a very fast runner (he was late to walk and I think it's only now starting to level out) so I don't know if that puts him off, or if he just isn't interested.

I've gotten to know a few of the mums at school and their boys all go to football, rugby clubs etc. We have been invited along but DS just wasn't interested in trying it and I don't want to push when it's something he's said he doesn't want to do.

His current "best" friend at school is a girl and when I've seen him at parties etc since September, he does seem different, for want of a better word, to the majority of the boys, who all seem boisterous. Don't get me wrong, DS can have his boisterous moments and he thinks all the typical 4-5 year old boy things like poo etc are hilarious!

I think I'm looking for reassurance/success stories of boys who are on the gentler side (DS is very sweet, loving and I actually enjoy spending time with him as he's great company!) but who didn't get picked on through school, or weren't ostracised etc and left out. The secondary school in particular that DS will go to has a big focus on sports, rugby especially, and so I do wish he would at least be willing to try.

My shy, gentle little boy is 16 now. He's utterly wonderful. He's still quite quiet, but has a solid group of friends. He's never got into sport, but luckily we have enough secondary schools here to have been able to send him to one where sports weren't a focus like some of them.

DS is shy but not gentle.
About your lad, I suggest you just keep encouraging him to believe that he's a wonderful person the way he is.

Hi OP. I can’t give you the proper long term view as my son is still only 8, but this sounds just like he was at that age. He’s still a lot like that, but he’s much better able to join in a wide variety of activities with children of both sexes now.

Mine is also not a very fast runner, and knows it (I think he is probably dyspraxic, FWIW, but even if he is that doesn’t have to be the explanation for any/all of this stuff!), but it doesn’t stop him joining in with (most often) chasing games, sometimes football or basketball, at playtime. He’s become gradually much more confident, socially and physically.

I do wonder how things will pan out further down the line, as boys and girls become a bit more segregated in their games. I can’t really guess yet. But he’s doing good for now.

You just have to accept him for who he is.

I had comments about Ds1 when he was about 5 when we went to parties where all the children were just running round the village hall and Ds watched from the sides for a bit before joining in, like he was assessing the situation before going in. I did have a parent comment on it and my response was why does it bother you?

Ds1 is now 17, still introvert, great in small groups but not good in large 30 children classes. If I had a £1 for every time a teacher said they wanted him to put his hand up more I would be very rich. It got better from about year 9.

He didn't like football or rugby, wasn't great at running but did get a black belt in karate which I enrolled him in so he could handle himself if needed which he did do in year 7 because a classmate thought he was an easy target, boy was he wrong

Just love your son for who he is, any bullying by other children should be brought to the attention of the school and they should deal with it. Ds has had a few incidents over the years but they find their friends and he has been very happy.

Ah he sounds lovely, OP. Not too dissimilar to my 7 year old actually. I can’t advise on what he might be like as a teen but I think that you are describing lots of lovely qualities and those will make him popular with both boys and girls as he grows up. I do sometimes worry about my sons more shy and reserved nature when compared to other kids, but I have noticed him becoming more confident and less reserved over the past couple of years, but still keeping his sweet, loving nature. He certainly hasn’t been picked on left out at all

Oh just to clarify I flipping adore my son the way he is! In fact I'm quite glad in a way as it suits me down to the ground, I hate all sports he is such a gent, he tells me I look beautiful sometimes, I'm a lucky mum!

I just worry about him like all mums, he's my PFB so I think I will always worry about him more than my DS2.

just encourage your boy to be himself, let him try out lots of things, but take your cues from him. He will with time show you what an amazing boy he is, maybe with unique interests, maybe he’ll be a boy that loves football after all, with some kids you have to try a bit harder to find what they love (and 5 is very very young still)

There isn’t a right and a wrong way to be, not everyone has to like physical sports

There are loads of activities besides soccer or rugby.
Tennis is a fantastic life long sport that is a ball game.
The earlier the better.
Swimming or matial arts.
Definitely encourage him to try a few things, even though he is very young yet.

He sounds like a lovely boy.

My eldest was quiet, gentle, well behaved.
He has a quick wit and has a great circle of friends. He grew to enjoy soccer because he enjoyed his friends on the team. He never excelled but he really enjoyed it.

Early days yet.
Investigate different activities and get him involved.
Guitar is a lovely instrument to try if piano doesn't appeal.

Some many activities to enjoy.

DS1 is reserved and not "sporty" in the obvious sense.

His best friend is similar and they have a lovely friendship. As it happens DS has some diagnosed SNs, but his friend doesn't and is just a compatible quiet, calm character.

DS is active at non-competitive, individual sports, karate, swimming and parkrun.
He also doesn't appreciate how well-liked he is by others. Girls have always found him easy to work with and some of his classmates are rather sweet with him. At y5 they are still quite into to "eurgh!" phase with the opposite sex.

I always found the loveliest classes to teach had a core of placid, studious boys. They tended to make for a calm, purposeful environment and often with a good sense of humour. Boys are very often underappreciated in that department.

Dd1's best friend at primary school was a very lovely little boy who had absolutely no interest in football / rugby / sports. He was friends with all the girls. Every birthday party, there would be 15 girls and this little boy. No other boys.

At secondary school, the boy made lots of friends with boys and got a very nice girlfriend when he was 14, who he is still with at 17. He knows how to be properly friends with girls, has a clear sense of what he is and isn't interested in and has absolutely no worries about having to follow the crowd. I'd call that a success.

I remember ds being invited to a football party for a classmate. The other little boys had proper kits and loved it, got stuck right in. DS and his best friend hung back and played together (Simon Says iirc), wearing mismatched t-shirts and jogging bottoms and in the end, the birthday boy's Mum found them some colouring instead. They remain utterly unsporty!

DS isn't shy but he is very sensitive. He's 9 and a bit different in many ways. He likes musicals (currently Hamilton obsessed) and has long hair which he wears in a braid (like Lafayette and Hamilton in his mind), collects Edwardian trinkets and wants a parasol for Christmas. His male friends aren't bothered at all but the girls can be a bit mean about him. Luckily, his best mate is sensitive and different too. They give each other a cuddle (or a rock or a pine cone or a stick, seriously, there's always at least one in his pocket from his best mate) and they get on with it.

His sister was the same and actually yes, primary school was tough. She didn't "fit" and in a small village, it was hard for her to find her people. She was a bit lonely I think. High school though? Oh Blimey. Much better. Far more diversity. Her "tribe" are like her. Well like her is relative. They're individuals and have weird and niche interests, know their own minds and have supported each other in the loveliest ways. One of her best mates (male) bought her a cactus last week because he thought she'd like it. She bought him a "FEMINIST" t-shirt in hot pink during lock down and he sends her selfies depicting him wearing it in weird places. I think they're the shy or different children from primary but they all have excellent self esteem and found each other. DD says they're united by being shite at PE and crap at popular culture. They're 13/14 and great.

So in short, he'll be who he needs to be and find the people who let him.

Thanks everyone, love these little stories.

I don't quite think "shy" is the right word to use for DS, but I don't know if "reserved" quite fits either. He's neither exactly, but I guess he seems less confident than perhaps a lot of the boys in his class when I see him with them. I think it's genetic as DH was a bit like this, from what he tells me, although he got really into football from about age 7 onwards (and wishes he'd started earlier as the other boys who had were way ahead, which I think is one reason I'm keen for DS to at least try a club - it's all about fun at this age anyway!), I was a bit of an awkward child and my own sister was as a pp has described, very "different" all through primary and even now she certainly stands out from the crowd, although she's confident and sociable now as an adult.

My eldest son is nearly 16 and has always been a gentle, quiet type.
He got into cycling as a hobby at age 12 and has made a good group of friends there. He was never interested in football or rugby and although they play them at school there is not a big focus thankfully.
He has a good group of friends at school with similar personalities.
Your ds sounds lovely and it’s great you have such a good relationship with him.

DS12 was the quietest, most sensitive little boy until age 5. Hated joining in, even at parties etc. Preferred to see what was involved first.

He is lucky and had a solid group of friends from primary, some of whom are more 'laddish' then he is, and he was always quieter and more laid back.

He has stayed that way really although he is much more confident in his abilities and will speak to people socially now. Until age around 9 he would not approach a teacher, ask a question or contribute an answer.

He definately improved due to his friendships and love of football. He isnt the most outgoing or competetive but he works hard, coaches love his work ethic and most importantly he enjoys it. But it is the only sport he genuinely enjoys.

The plus side of his nature is until now we have never had any complaints from teachers, he doesn't get involved in fall outs and arguments.

He is however naturally quiet and chilled. Likes his own company.

I’ve been wondering what my 2 year old will be like when he’s older as both me and my husband were PAINFULLY shy as children and still are to some extent though we are now better at hiding it.

The worst thing you can do, IMO, is comment on it. I hated hearing “You’re too shy” or “You should be more outgoing” because of the implication that I wasn’t good enough just as I was. If anybody says the same about my son I will say “He’s not Too anything, he’s exactly as he’s supposed to be”.

Having said that I do understand you’re worried about things like bullying etc.

My sons are both totally uninterested in sports, but found other ways to fit in with their peer groups. I started both of them in Beavers, and they've chosen to carry on, and found a friendship group and a chance to do a whole range of different outdoor activities. The older one turns out to be very good at throwing tomahawks!

They're both confident and personable young men, and I am extremely proud of them!

My son is very sweet and sensitive but also likes a bit of rough and tumble and loves rugby so not exactly the same. However he goes to football but has two left feet and although he enjoys it he has no competitive spirit. I don’t think he’ll keep it up for long.

I worried about this a lot as all the males in my family played football and I had this idea he needed to be good at football to fit in and be popular. His dad never played for a club growing up and he didn’t get made fun of, and he said it never stopped him having a kick about and even though he wasn’t that good he joined in.

Would your son like Beavers? My son really enjoys it and it’s not based around sports. There’s lots of games and crafts as well as camps and family nights.

Ah yes magpiecomplex I'd like DS to do Beavers etc as I think it would be his sort of thing.

My 13yo DS is both shy and a bit "unconventional"? When he was 5 he would wear his sisters bangles and hair slides to school... He has never been bullied and seems to have transitioned to secondary without any major problems - isn't Mr Popular but seems to have found his own space just fine. He doesn't do contact-type sports but tolerates hockey and tennis. Likes a nice bubble bath while singing along to Hamilton

His shyness he gets from me I think, and while it is still a bit of an issue, his latest report card does have a couple of classes mentioning that he talks too much to counter the numerous other classes who say it would be good if he talked more.

DS1 is 18 now, always been very reserved, much more of a follower than a leader. Around 11 a teacher once said "I feel L would prefer to hide under his desk than sit at it" which was probably a fair assessment, he'd never dream of volunteering himself for something or putting his hand up to speak or read aloud. He found his 'thing' in music at around 13, put a guitar in his hands and he's like a different person, he was suddenly performing at school shows and at college stepped up to organise a Christmas concert!

Your DS sounds lovely OP

I'm another one whose DS is now a teenager and still not into sport. (IIRC he enjoyed rugby for once in yr 8 because he'd grown early and discovered that if he got the ball nobody could actually stop him - at a prep school so they couldn't put him with bigger boys). Mine has always been reserved in new situations, and I eventually worked out that he likes to watch till he is certain he knows what is expected. He can and does talk a lot if he's got something to say - but if he thinks he's got nothing to add or we know it already, he doesn't see the point in saying anything at all.

I'd echo those mentioning music. There can be some good music or singing groups aimed at your son's age group, or see if he is interested in learning an instrument. Music is definitely becoming my son's communication - he is now a boarder and was telling me the other day that he likes to improvise jazz in the dining hall on Saturday evenings, boys order too much takeaway and inevitably share the excess with him!

He loves the outdoors , so why not focus on outdoor sports and activities he can do by himself or with one or two friends ? He might like to swim, ski, canoe, run, cycle, hillwalk, climb, golf, sail. When he gets to secondary school there will be loads of other kids who prefer those activities .

darkdarknight cross post, yes I would like to send him to Beavers (starts age 6 round here I think so he's got another year).

He does go to swimming lessons although he can't swim yet, but absolutely loves the water and we've had good feedback about his willingness to try/attitude etc so I'm hoping he'll stick with that. It's a tricky one with boys as it seems like football and rugby are what almost all of them like. Tbh I can see why as my DS2 is not even 2 yet and he's loved balls since before he could walk and loves dribbling one round the garden now. So I think some kids are just born loving it.

He sounds a bit like my ds. He’s 8 now, and does ballet, badminton and piano. He’s popular without being in the alpha group, and has never been bullied or picked on. Lots of friends, both girls and boys. I actually think he’s a much more rounded person than some of the football obsessed boys in his class, who are one-trick ponies!

My son is 10, he’s always been gentle, well behaved at school, he was friends with both girls and boys up until about age 7 and went to all the girls birthday parties. He won’t do sports clubs but he does like playing football, tag etc on the playground. He’s always been very popular with the boys and never been bullied. Even boisterous boys like hanging out with kids who are gentle, kind and easy going. Hope that’s reassuring.