A question for parents of "shy" boys

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Hi all

DS is almost 5, and whilst I wouldn't say he was shy as such (he's a chatterbox, and loud) he is definitely on the more reserved side when I see him with the other boys in his class (reception).

He likes scooting and can ride a two wheeled bike well, and loves the outdoors, but has zero interest in sports, so no football, rugby etc. He's not a very fast runner (he was late to walk and I think it's only now starting to level out) so I don't know if that puts him off, or if he just isn't interested.

I've gotten to know a few of the mums at school and their boys all go to football, rugby clubs etc. We have been invited along but DS just wasn't interested in trying it and I don't want to push when it's something he's said he doesn't want to do.

His current "best" friend at school is a girl and when I've seen him at parties etc since September, he does seem different, for want of a better word, to the majority of the boys, who all seem boisterous. Don't get me wrong, DS can have his boisterous moments and he thinks all the typical 4-5 year old boy things like poo etc are hilarious!

I think I'm looking for reassurance/success stories of boys who are on the gentler side (DS is very sweet, loving and I actually enjoy spending time with him as he's great company!) but who didn't get picked on through school, or weren't ostracised etc and left out. The secondary school in particular that DS will go to has a big focus on sports, rugby especially, and so I do wish he would at least be willing to try.

DS1 was incredibly shy at age 4/5, would only talk to people he knew, found it hard to make friends. At preschool he wouldn't even go outside with the other children at playtime. Didn't like football or any other team sports.

Fast forward to age 13 and he still doesn't like football but he is nearly a black belt in karate, has a small but tight group of friends, and goes to drama club where he frequently gets chosen for the starring role. He has blossomed into a fine young man who thinks before he acts but is also confident and knows what he wants. It wasn't anything magic we did, he got there in his own time. The karate and drama clubs did really help with his confidence - he started karate age 6 and drama around 9/10.

My quiet thoughtful DS is now 14, he was always that one boy at girls birthday parties when in primary school.

We were astonished last year when he auditioned for the school show (a musical) and got a main part. They had the performance in February before covid hit. It was definitely a side to him that we hadn't seen before, but it was something he'd decided to do for himself.

And I did worry about him getting picked on because he's fairly studious and is at a bog standard comp, but it's been fine.

Drama club is another activity I'm hoping to send him to, I've been on the hunt for a local one that doesn't cost the earth/is just for fun at this age. I think that's something he'd enjoy and hopefully give him a bit more confidence too.

Thanks all I love reading all of these anecdotes about wonderful boys. My DS is just so so wonderful and I want him to have a happy time.

DS is 8 and while I definitely wouldn't call him shy, he's definitely not boisterous and hadms always avoided the rough play and playground sports. A couple of years ago he wanted to try cricket and we've found this to be ideal for him. The training is very relaxed and to the casual observer is mostly just playing in the sun. They do play in matches but there's no league and its all good natured. This year he's shown an interest in football which is very different- ridiculously competitive parents and kids getting bossy. I doubt he'll keep it up for long.
Hes a really good natured kid and gets along with pretty much everyone. We never have any drama at school, hes never in trouble and is well liked by his friends parents as a good calming influence. His school reports since reception have praised him for being the child that helps the children who are struggling or don't have anyone to play with.
I wouldn't change one thing about him. Well, apart from getting up at 6am every day

I have an exactly the same 5 year old boy. Reserved, not interested in doing football or rugby at the moment. Not boisterous like many of the little boys in his class. He does like swimming so this is the sporty hobby we pursue, as my DD is into it competitively. This keeps him fit.
Im not worried, he is who he is. He is bright and funny, and as a secondary teacher I've met a lot of boys like this over the years, they usually find their crowd. Often you get a little group of musical boys or the computing crowd!

My DS was the same. He did join a footie team at 8 but he's never been rowdy or boisterous, always kind and studious. He's turned into a lovely, quietly confident young man who excels at what he does and is well liked.

I have a similar sounding lad who is 7. He found his tribe at beavers and a local coding group, and has recently got into tennis, summer only and not a team sport. He is very popular at school; closest friend is a girl but has male friends, too. There is a definite “not sporty” subset of boys he gravitated to.

I can see DS being in a future computing crowd, or maybe engineering. He's good at things like Knex etc so I hope so! He also is a great story teller, complete with dramatic flair, so I really hope to find a drama club for him.

He really is wonderful though, I love who he is and I wouldn't worry if it weren't for stereotypes/expectations on boys from their peers. He was "best friends" with a boy from the same school nursery class until recently, this boy is actually probably one of the more boisterous/confident being one of several boys, and my DS clearly thought he was the bees knees, but they seem to have drifted away from each other and the boy now seems better friends with a similar boy who's also into football etc. I wouldn't care if my son was friends with only girls all his life, but I worry that at some point in primary girls tend to want to be friends with only other girls, and then he'd get left out having made no close male friendships. Fingers crossed he does!

That’s still so young and they change so many times, you should be glad his more gentle, my friend has a son like that and she wishes he was more boyish, I think his brilliant though and his the kind of son I would want if I was too have one.

Your DS sounds fab, and very much like mine. My DS is nearly 12 and has never been into team sports like football or rugby. He has been through Beavers and Cubs and is now in Scouts, and it sounds like yours might enjoy that too. I know you mentioned that he's too young now, but round our way Beavers has a 1 year waiting list so you could get his name down now!

My DS also likes tennis and we do a lot of walking as a family so are quite outdoorsy. He's also really into music and plays quite a few instruments and sings in a choir. He also loves Lego and anything to do with building stuff. He's asked for lots of empty packing boxes as a birthday present and plans to make a giant "structure" in the garage to use as a den! I worried a bit at his lack of interest in team sports when he was younger, but he's always been fine and had a good set of friends who share his interests.

My 8 year old is similar. He loves football but doesn't want to join a team. He goes to swimming, Lego club and a Minecraft club (or he did before covid). He definitely prefers clubs where he can keep to himself. He has no problem making friends in school but he does distance himself if there's any drama/fighting.

He’ll be fine OP

I was so worried about my DS at this age, compounded by the fact he was dyslexic and struggled with school/friendships.

He turned into a very techy geeky teen with so many like-minded friends, including a gorgeous geeky GF , all hoping to do engineering at uni.

It’s not all about football and being popular, there are so many “tribes” out there. And they overlap too. It’s not like American high school movies

Looking back I just think “he was so little, and I expected so much”, with my kids at 16-18 now, I realise that at 5 they were babies really

My ds was into more sollitary sports. He was in swimming lessons from the 1 year old but took them upto passing his bronze medallion and then onto professional lifeguarding exams

Once he was old enough he was a cub through to adventure scouts and also got into kayaking, sailing and climbing. He is very outdoorsy still

I think that expecting someone to be interested in sport — any variety — purely because they’re a particular sex is mad. It’s like someone thinking that girls will lose out on a central female bonding experience if they don’t like clothes shopping, and should therefore be encouraged to keep trying it by their concerned parents.

My DS is 16 and very introverted, also not interested in sports or cars or games consoles. I was so worried about the transition to secondary school but he was friends with a big group of girls from the start, and now is part of a very tight trio with a girl and another boy. He’s happy and popular.

He sounds like mine. Sstarting schools seems to have been a bumpy ride, where they aren’t one of the football boys which automatically gives them an “in”. Our scout group has been brilliant (it’s a 50/50 mix though) at opening his eyes to other stuff, at the camps they may get a football out and have a kick about, but that’s it, the rest is nature, cooking, crafts, climbing water sports etc.
It’s also enabled him to make friends from other schools and realise life doesn’t start and stop at school.

Teachers have been an issue though, it seems to take a while for them to understand them and “get” them, which is fine at primary not so fine at secondary.

I thought this about my Ds at the same age (couple of years ago) he's currently a bit of a nightmare at home. Still no interest in football etc but he's really enjoying swimming and music now. He still doesn't really fit with the boys in his class. He seems to get on well with everyone but not have any particular close friends.

Secondary schools, unless they are tiny, have lots of different characters and he'll find his niche. I was shy as a child but got more confident as a teenager. He'll be ok :)

He sounds exactly like my son ( now 18) was at that age. I used to worry about him getting picked on or not being popular but he had his own group of lovely friends and actually his best friend was actually a right thug but who was always great to my son and a real friend. He’s now a lovely young man, doing well at college, with a nice girlfriend. I just accepted him for who he was and didnt push him into sports etc. Really wish I hadn’t worried so much

Thanks all, love reading all the responses.

Yes I have just added him to the waiting list for Beavers today! As I'm sure there is a long list.

His secondary will be big, and his primary is big, three form entry. It's one of the reasons I like it to be honest as I'm glad there's more potential for other friends, the three reception classes are all out on the yard together at break times.

DS1 will never try anything. He used to be in tears at the concept of his swimming lesson FFS. It took us months and months of coaxing to get him to ride a bike. He wanted heelys and then wore them twice and decided they were too scary

However he has never struggled to make friends. I have actually found now he is 12 he will try things that his friends suggest. He has recently started skateboarding :o which is hilarious because he's so so risk averse. DH took him to a skate park the other weekend and he stood there complaining that the ground was too smooth and he didn't want to try anything (while 2yo DS2 ran up and down the slopes with pure glee :o :o) But tomorrow he is meeting some friends at a skate park. It's cool if they suggest it.

I'm immensely glad he's not sporty as neither DH or I are sporty and I have never wanted to spend my weekends standing next to a freezing pitch.

Ah DS is ok at trying new things, he was brilliant on his bike, no stabilisers, straight off. He refuses to try football club as I think he's certain he won't enjoy it!

bertiebotts you have the patience of a saint, I support my DS' likes and dislikes but I have no patience for fussiness, and he can definitely be fussy sometimes!