Bullied at work. But they want me to leave (long one. sorry)

[beingbulliedatwork]

That's it in a nutshell really. But here's the long version...

Low level picking has been going on for a while, work with a difficult character, but always managed it just fine. Love my job.

It took on a 'proper' bullying form from Sept/October and have kept a really detailed record as it was getting really bad.

Micromanaging, changing the rules/instructions all the time, making my head spin, personal remarks at times. Walking on egg shells every day for 8 hours.

Got moved by bully 1 up into another office to do one part of my job (this felt like a form of punishment) and then told to return once job was job. I loved working up in new office as wasn't getting bullied by anyone. It was bliss. Other people started to comment on my job (data related) being so much better now I'm out of the very busy environment with bully 1 that I was in before. Many staff said it was a brilliant idea to do the data part in a quiet area. I was very pleased.

On returning from my nice new office, back to where I was before with bully 1, the atmosphere is palpable. Silent treatment, answering anything I say with 'whatever' or 'doesn't matter' or 'who cares'. She is an angry person. The days drag. I don't want to be there.

But I keep going. I even ask her what's wrong several times, she shrugs with 'it is what it is'. I ask if she wants me back to work earlier (it's busy in our roles) and she says 'it doesn't work like that'. I try to see how I can appease her. It falls on deaf ears.

I remain doing my part 1 job elsewhere (half the day I am happy) then return to the horrible atmosphere where I do everything 'wrong' for the rest of the day.

Then one day HR appear when I'm coming down from job 1 and says in front of anyone walking in/out 'what is taking so long, why are you taking this long'. It's 2 on 1 in a public place, asking me why I'm not doing my job quick enough (no time frame had been set - I was doing my job neither rushed or slow, just normal).

I defended my position and said how everyone thought it was so much better now, but the two of them were quite pushy/aggressive with how they spoke to me. I said I felt really confident if ofsted were to walk in now, my data would be spot on. I got told by bully 1 'that's got nothing to do with you' (the week before, she had said 'don't throw that very old paperwork out, you'll need that for ofsted) - just one example of the rules always changing to suit. Head spin.

Anyway. I spoke to Bully 2 (HR) who just happens to be besties with Bully 1, outside (with people walking past) and said how horrible the atmosphere was and how Bully 1 had been really difficult to work with. She said talk it out with her, get a third party as well (her!)

I went back and spoke to Bully 1. I explained how difficult things had been lately and felt terrible if I'd left her in the lurch, but was doing my data part of my job so much better. It was a good chat. Bully 1 was actually very positive. Said she felt so much better for talking. She said 'let's carry on as normal, you do data and come back when you're ready, no issues'.

All over. Phew.

Back in the next day, it's gone from really bad to really really bad. Atmosphere is horrendous, and she is one angry lady.

She demands I stay with her. I say I'm behind with data now (we had something serious happen that needed sorting out) and she said 'it doesn't matter!' I say just let me go for an hour, and she says 'no, you'll stay here'. I say I'd rather work there and she said 'I'll bet you do!' You're staying here.

I had to leave for 5 minutes as I was starting to cry. I went to see the person I had been working with for the data side. She was lovely about everything.

Returned after a few minutes as was panicking about Bully 1 being more angry.

Got on with my day. Very hard.

HR (Bully 2) wants a meeting.

Meeting was over an hour of listing things about me. I got told Bully 1 shouldn't have had to ask me to come back down (from other office) I should have used my empathy skills that they thought I had. I had betrayed Bully 1. I owed Bully 1 everything as she fought for me to get the job, and no one else wanted me. There was a long long list of things (nothing performance related, as I do my job well) but it was all other things, personal as well. She said if I loved the data part so much they might think about readvertising my role and I could reapply for it, but it would only be 10 hours a week!! Said why did I run crying to nice person, now I can't be trusted.

Had to apologise to Bully 1. Felt like I was fighting for my job. I had to say sorry for betraying her and talking to the other person I cried to.

I was battered. Started feeling very unwell next day stomach cramps, severe nausea, kept being sick in my mouth (sorry TMI) and migraines etc. Time off for few days and then over weekend my left side arm, left side body went all numb tingly, my heart had been getting faster and faster and my chest was really starting to hurt. Breathing became short. Went to walk in centre, then told to go to A&E. Had ECG. Told to get doctors appt.

Doctor said blood tests, rule out physical things, and then started talking to me about work.

I explained everything. Over the course seeing doctors, I've seen 6 and they've all said 'that's bullying' you need to escalate this.

On beta blockers now, and been on them for 3 weeks now. Been signed off.

Went to see deputy head, he said you need to take this further. This has happened before and people have left. He doesn't know how Bully 2 still has her job in HR.

So went to Bursar and told him everything. This was informal, and hadn't gone down proper grievance yet. All confidential. No empathy shown, defended Bully 1 (she's very well respected here, and maybe she can be a bit abrupt but she gets things done around here). He was only interested in when I would be returning to work. I said I don't think I can work with Bully 1. 'Oh so your return is based on where you work'

I cried in the meeting as it was quite difficult. It was being suggested it would be easier for my health if I left!

It was also very dismissive and thought it was just a simple spat that could be talked through. Anyway, he said, let's leave it for now, and we'll have another meeting 2 days time.

In 2 days time, I expect he's had a think about my role and whether I can move departments.

This has not happened. He's actually spoken to both Bully 1 and 2, told them I have a complaint about their conduct, and now he wants me to leave with a settlement.

Taking this further will 'cause untold pain to lots of people' and surely I don't want that? Also it won't be good for my health.

He wanted an answer pretty soon, I said no. He said can we have a verbal yes so he can get the paperwork moving, I said no. I need to think.

2 months wages is not enough time to find a job, I'm not even well after all of this (and I am a strong person, have been through a lot, but this has floored me). And why am I going? I get bullied, I say I'm being bullied, then I get asked to leave to prevent heartache to the actual bullies.

Sorry this is so long. If there is anyone out there who can advise or help, or just sympathise would be nice.

Thank you

I agree, and any advice is kind and well meant, and then it's up to me to look into things more

OP, I’ve no advice for you, but just wanted to wish you well.
Just remember that bully has obviously spun a line to HR bully 2, and will be perfectly able to do the same to anyone else.
And: how people behave is on them, not you.

Thank you Saz. Half the battle is keeping sane and not accepting that this is your fault (despite looking at all your reactions over and over to see if it is your fault, or if you did something wrong in the first place).

Do you know how this all really started? My DD had a fever so I went to get a covid test. She was livid with me when I returned, and said to HR that I'd dumped her in it, and the covid test was an excuse for time off.

I worked from home the whole time, and DD was very ill and I went back as soon as negative.

Madness.

OP I really feel for you, I've been through this too. To the extent that I broke down in work to a colleague, who phoned my husband to collect me from work to go straight to the doctor - who said I was not to be left alone, I was suicidal at that point. After medication and counselling I went back, but involved my union who helped to get me moved to another department, eventually. It was a long recovery, the bully refused to acknowledge what she had done, along with her cronies. ACAS were hugely helpful too. I wanted it all documented, as I didn't want it happening to others. Eventually they left / got the sack (yay!) or drifted into other areas of the company. Your employer obviously wants you gone with the least inconvenience to themselves, and no thought for you. Stick to your guns, get a paper / email trail going as others have said, and I sincerely wish you the very best of luck.

Thank you Song, I do feel like sticking to my guns on this. Sorry you've been through this too. At one point I did think about not being around. Will gather as much info as I can from as many people as I can, and work out what to do.

I don't have any practical advice but I just wanted to say you sound like such a resilient person who clearly takes a lot of pride in their work. You will have the last laugh.

Thank you HotChoc, that's a lovely thing to say. I hope you're right x

Is it an academy? If it is, they may be breaching the Academies Financial Handbook by offering you a settlement if they have not already got permission from the DfE. This could give you more time to consider it, because usually schools that offer settlements forget to get permission and then have to apply before they make the payment. So you could find you get given more time to think about it than you would expect. It does sound like there is a systemic issue there, though. I wouldn't really want to work anywhere that made me physically unwell.

At this point I should add that I did have a protected characteristic (disability) so thats why I got ten grand out of them. My employers were very foolish because they should have sorted things as soon as disability was mentioned. All I was asking was not to have to work in the same office as the bully.

All I was asking was not to have to work in the same office as the bully.

Exactly. I don't know why they'd rather put you through that, and lose, when you were being reasonable and just asking to be moved.

I was once bullied in my current job in another area. I love my job. I said if I habd my notice in I'm writing due to bullying. I was re located :) go ahead with the grievance if you can. Dont quit and stay of sick. If they sack u least u can sign on and you will have a grievance on file

Turn down the settlement or counteroffer with something crazy - a years salary? Find out what the policy for a grievance is and lodge one. Do they have a bullying and harassment policy? Document everything. Don't go to meetings alone. If you can't face work stay off sick until you can. Don't resign unless you want to and have a settlement you are happy with.

Thanks Christmas - so glad it worked out for you. I wouldn't be so upset with a job I hated, but it's one of those jobs you can see yourself doing for years as it's just, nice.

DH said to counter offer nowishtofly, and he said a year. We've got a policy, and have been reading through it. It says bullying will not be tolerated under any circumstances. I have not read the bit yet that says 'if you're bullied we'll pay you to go away'

No advice but what utter bastards.

You are definitely better off out of it but definitely get what you are owed. Similar happened to me and all I can think of now is what a sad life they must lead to feel the need to stamp a negative impact on the world.

Best wishes

Thanks winewolf - you're so right. Sorry this happened to you too. I hope you're ok now x

@VienneseWhirligig

Is it an academy? If it is, they may be breaching the Academies Financial Handbook by offering you a settlement if they have not already got permission from the DfE. This could give you more time to consider it, because usually schools that offer settlements forget to get permission and then have to apply before they make the payment. So you could find you get given more time to think about it than you would expect. It does sound like there is a systemic issue there, though. I wouldn't really want to work anywhere that made me physically unwell.

@VienneseWhirligig

This isn't the case since they are offering OP two months pay which I seriously doubt is more than the £30k trigger for referral to ESFA. They do still have to consider if they payment is value for money. See here under Special Payments:

www.gov.uk/guidance/academies-financial-handbook/part-5-delegated-authorities

@CrimsonCattery wouldn't it be considered novel or contentious though? If there are no reasons for the settlement other than as a means of avoiding having to confront a bullying complaint? There seems to be little other reason, usually a settlement would be in lieu of a tribunal or to encourage someone on long term sick who is unable to return, or someone whose position is untenable, to resign. I can't see how these circumstances would be in the spirit of the AFH?

Novel means unusual and potentially could cause precedents which would be unhelpful in the long run. A settlement agreement of two months pay to avoid investigating grievences, risking tribunal etc. wouldn't count.

Contentious generally would be a payment that might fail the "Daily Mail Test" or get the trust in trouble with Parliament e.g. paying the head large additional sums as 'consultancy' or paying the Chair of Trustees' son £5k for a days supply. Its intended to prevent stuff like this: www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.com/news/amp/uk-england-40249763

Apologies to OP as this will sound very cold but will summarise their thinking:
The offer to OP represents value for money (to the Bursar at least) as they want (for whatever reason) to keep the bullies and replace OP with as little fuss as possible. They would likely have to pay OP notice anyway so easier to just pay her to go away, avoid a fuss and reappoint someone who can be treated as a doormat until they also annoy bully1 and the cycle starts again. Their other options are tell bully to back off which they clearly are unwilling to do or have a costly and time consuming fight with OP.

OP, I agree that they have acted awfully but I would personally counsel against fighting this too hard. Definitely see if Head is on your side and definitely counteroffer with a higher settlement (and agreed reference) however, if you have to keep battling these people it will ruin your health. Its honestly not worth it. It sounds like you have marketable back office skills and there may be other local schools/trusts that would value your skills.

Thank you Crimson. That is very good and honest advice. Doing what is right at the cost of my health. Options to weigh up.

Contacted the Head and detailed everything.

Shortly afterwards had an email from Bursar to say the settlement won't apply now, as I haven't been there 2 years.

Is there anyone in HR who knows what they might do now?

Hi OP- just came back to see how you had been getting on.
I don't have any HR experience I'm afraid.
Interesting that they've now reneged on that settlement offer though... could it actually be because you've now shared situation with Head and it's now come out they basically wanted to pay you off rather than deal with the actually issue (bullying)?
Have your Union been able to give any support on this?
Did you say to the head in your letter/email that all of this could have been avoided if they had just allowed you to work between two offices? I wonder if you could say you would happily accept being moved permanently to the other office space and continue your roles from there? (assuming you would be ok with that that is)

The two bullies are real arseholes. Yes I can see it's affected your health. I think sitting in a hostile environment day in day out creates real high anxiety .. like post traumatic stress. To me the solution is to fight or you flee. Sitting in it increases the anxiety. I personally wouldn't do a grievance unless I felt very confident. If it was me I would get out - and leave. Bully 1 sounds like a classic narcissistic bully to me and very often higher managers and HR will not do the right thing and deal with them.

Good luck by the way Or you could take time out and go on sick leave to give you chance to think - out of that hostile environment.

Op how are things going now?

@beingbulliedatwork - I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I can imagine it is a huge knock to your self-confidence and self-worth.

FWIW - I was involved in a similar incident 3.5 years ago - different industry. I was offered a settlement and an NDA - it was honestly the best thing that happened. There is no point fighting - I personally think that companies tend to protect their managerial staff and are primarily concerned about the company getting involved in a liability case rather than the welfare and well being of their staff. I really didn't want to leave as I actually liked my job, the company and colleagues but if your manager is a bully, sadly, it's not tenable to stay.

I recommend speaking to an employment lawyer as early as possible. I found one here on Mumsnet who was very good. They'll help you get the best settlement and easiest exit.

It was a very stressful point in my life. I barely slept, barely ate, felt on the verge of tears and was a nervous wreck. As part of my settlement, my employment lawyer negotiated for me to have 3 months of private counselling after.

As soon as I left and took time off work, I felt so much better. I emerged from the mess starting my own business and earning twice as much. I'm so much happier, stronger and more confident too. Looking back, it turned out for the better (even though it really didn't feel like it at the time).

All the best.