My fiancé is so dull

[Emrae]

So I’m pissed off at my fiancé right now and just need to vent. We’re both in our early 30’s, engaged 5 years and no plans for wedding yet as we never seem to have enough money. I’m studying full time and working 3 days per week while he works full time in a low paid job. I seem to be the breadwinner and resent this if I’m honest (although I know that’s not right of me)

Basically I am pissed off with him and really upset because it’s his birthday today and I worked so hard to make it a special day despite lockdown but he doesn’t appreciate it.
Example 1. I planned to take the day off today and go for a nice walk somewhere outside our normal area in London. I told him this weeks before and when he got up this morning he was just so unenthusiastic and wanted to go to the local park down the road as we do most weekends. I know he should be able to do what he likes on his birthday but this just bothered me as I just really wanted a change of scenery and for us to do something different together that lasted longer than the usual short stroll around our neighborhood.
Example 2. He agrees to a different park (woohoo) We get to the park in a different area of London (dulwich to be exact) and I think it’s so lovely that I can’t help commenting on all the loveliness everywhere. He barely responds and seems uninterested in anything I say, fair enough maybe I do talk too much sometimes.
Example 3. He finally talks.. saying that his mother sent him 1k for his birthday. I say wow that he should really try and put that into a savings account, she gives him money like this maybe 2-3 times per year and I added that if he saved that money each time, he’d be in a position to buy a house by now. (Bare in mind, he earns just above min wage and any small savings we have is mostly from my part time earnings) he was offended by this and said that i am very negative and ungrateful. Not the case. I know his mother sending this money is hard for her, she is very much a working class woman who is sending this money from her retirement/ carer earnings (she cares for her disabled brother full time and also has a slow progressing type of cancer which is incurable) I just think that he should save it if he takes it all(I wouldn’t even accept it if it were my mother).
Example 4. I had bought ‘sexy underwear’ for his birthday but got a bit insecure about wearing it (basically because we haven’t had sex in a month and when I’ve wore stuff like this before, his reactions aren’t always what I expect). I went in to the living room to show him what I bought and he sort of laughed awkwardly. I said out of embarrassment that I didn’t think I was in the mood today as I stayed up until 2am studying but let’s see how I feel later (not the best pick up line but I was awkward because of his reaction)
Example 5. I had planned for a few of his friends to join us on FaceTime for birthday drinks which which went well and we enjoyed it, 2 hours in, they asked him to play on his computer games as they always do. He asked me if this was alright and j just snapped, I couldn’t believe it, I’m there trying to make a nice intimate day for him and this is what he wants. He plays on computer games at least 5 nights a week and sometimes during the day as he furloughed at the moment. We had a fight after the call with our friends as I couldn’t believe this is what he wanted to do and now i am in bed crying and he is playing his games in the other room. Can I just explain that I am not a clingy person, he plays games most nights as I said and I take one day off a week from studying/ working. Today was that one day off until next weekend. I have lots of friends whom I meet when lockdown permits. I do yoga and exercise classes 3 times per week online, study most evenings so really we only spend time together maybe one day on my day off and I’d say 1-2 evenings per week. I just feel so lonely and unwanted right now that he wants to spend his birthday just like any other evening with his friends online. I feel more emotional than usual because I’m stressed with uni work and I thought that maybe he’d understand me being a little more emotional than usual today and that maybe he’d appreciate me making an effort today on his birthday but no. Apparently I’m controlling and clingy. I just don’t know why I’m with him anymore, I’m in too deep, we’re together since I was 18. If anything he drags me down, he’s unambitious, a bit simple minded and lazy. If I left him, I would be so lost. I wish he’d just make more effort to maintain a healthy loving relationship instead of letting things get like this. We could be amazing together if he put in as much effort as I do. I’d like to maybe have children in a few years and he has said he would like to also. I just can’t see him with children, he’s forgotten to feed and walk our dog multiple times, I wouldn’t trust him to pull his weight equally.

I didn’t read the full OP because the first 3 paragraphs were enough to know you two are not suited as life partners.

On the whole, people do not become more dynamic and fun as they age. My DH was out 5/6 nights a week socialising, playing sport, cinema, clubs etc when we met in our mid 20s. Nowadays that’s 2/3 nights a month maximum.. Since lockdown he has left the house once a week to deliver meals to his 90yo dad. Apart from those 2 hour trips he WFH all day in one room and then watches telly all evening in the other. That would have driven his younger self insane but his middle aged self is perfectly content. And my middle aged self is happy alongside him.

Your partner is already too insular and passive for you and you don’t appear to be sexually compatible. These things won’t improve with age. Cut your losses and free yourself to find a better match for you. And the sooner the better.

I entirely agree, @Bluntness100. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the poor man, except he is incompatible with his partner. He’s no more of a deadweight than she’s a moaning, discontented nag.

The relationship has run its course. Who of you is in the wrong here is just diverting from the actual problem which is that you’re no longer right for each other.

This bit of your post really struck me just don’t know why I’m with him anymore, I’m in too deep, we’re together since I was 18. If anything he drags me down, he’s unambitious, a bit simple minded and lazy. If I left him, I would be so lost.

You’ve essentially realised the same thing and you’ve actually answered your first sentence of that bit yourself with your last sentence. You’re not in too deep, you’re never in too deep to end an unhappy relationship and you wouldn’t be so lost without him-it just feels like it because this relationship is all you’ve known your entire adult life.

Whatever else happens or does not happen, free yourself if the notion that you would be lost without him.

You are working hard, to earn money and to increase your prospects through study. You are energetic and forward looking. Believe in investment and building on foundations.

Staying in a relationship needs to be part of that investment in your life and future, not fear of being alone.

Who knows what was going on on his birthday, you may be stir crazy with cabin fever and looking to him to solve it, he may be getting depressed... or you may now be growing into people who are less compatible than you were.

Either way: make a date with yourself to visit Dulwich Park when the rhododendrons are out next summer, about June, I think. You can explore into little glades of towering colour. It is a park of ever-changing loveliness.

He has “settled”, he has a easy life and a partner but feels he no longer has to try hard to impress you, he probably thinks you won’t leave him so he’s putting no effort in to keep you.

I do agree that ‘it was his birthday and you made it about you’ but I’m guessing he’s probably like this all the time and the birthday stuff was the final straw?

He sounds boring and dull, you want more excitement and fun, you are not really suited, I wouldn’t marry this man.

Get rid of him

Not sure why people are slagging off her DP here.
Firstly while you say “he didn’t do x” - well he did didn’t he? He went to the lark of your choosing

Also so what if his mum gave his £1000 - that’s her choice and I’d you were visiting Dulwich - if you think him saving £1000 here and there is going to help you get a deposit for a house you’re deluded.

You’re not compatible and to be honest you do sound a little controlling to me. You say you don’t get time together - but prioritise your three nights of yoga etc.

I think you’re very different people and while you say we could be amazing together it seems to be with the caveat “if he does what I want him to”.

You both sound so incompatible! For what it’s worth, I think you made this birthday all about you; if he wants to go to a local park for his birthday, why should you deem that as not enough? And for his birthday money, you seem to have jumped straight in and told him what to do with the money, it’s his birthday money and he should be able to spend it how he wants; it doesn’t seem fair that he puts it all into savings, maybe half? I know when I get birthday money, I like to buy things I wouldn’t usually spend money on for myself.

And the games thing- again, he’d been on a call for 2 hours and he should be able to do what he wants on his birthday. You sound controlling but I think that’s because you’re not right for each other; you need someone who gives you what you want and he needs someone who’s happy with how he is now.

Don’t get married, I don’t think it’s the right thing for either of you.

It sounds like part of you likes 'running' things and taking the lead, and what you'd be lost without is someone to support - and that doesn't have to be a bad thing, but in this case the relationship has become very uneven with him resigning himself to you leading and you resigning yourself to having to take responsibility.

I agree with others that you sound incompatible - you're used to each other now, but that doesn't mean you are right. I am sure you could both find a more suitable relationship dynamic and should be looking elsewhere for it.

And I agree with @Bluntness100 and @Walkaround completely.

@Emrae

So I’m pissed off at my fiancé right now and just need to vent. We’re both in our early 30’s, engaged 5 years and no plans for wedding yet as we never seem to have enough money. I’m studying full time and working 3 days per week while he works full time in a low paid job. I seem to be the breadwinner and resent this if I’m honest (although I know that’s not right of me)

Basically I am pissed off with him and really upset because it’s his birthday today and I worked so hard to make it a special day despite lockdown but he doesn’t appreciate it.
Example 1. I planned to take the day off today and go for a nice walk somewhere outside our normal area in London. I told him this weeks before and when he got up this morning he was just so unenthusiastic and wanted to go to the local park down the road as we do most weekends. I know he should be able to do what he likes on his birthday but this just bothered me as I just really wanted a change of scenery and for us to do something different together that lasted longer than the usual short stroll around our neighborhood.
Example 2. He agrees to a different park (woohoo) We get to the park in a different area of London (dulwich to be exact) and I think it’s so lovely that I can’t help commenting on all the loveliness everywhere. He barely responds and seems uninterested in anything I say, fair enough maybe I do talk too much sometimes.
Example 3. He finally talks.. saying that his mother sent him 1k for his birthday. I say wow that he should really try and put that into a savings account, she gives him money like this maybe 2-3 times per year and I added that if he saved that money each time, he’d be in a position to buy a house by now. (Bare in mind, he earns just above min wage and any small savings we have is mostly from my part time earnings) he was offended by this and said that i am very negative and ungrateful. Not the case. I know his mother sending this money is hard for her, she is very much a working class woman who is sending this money from her retirement/ carer earnings (she cares for her disabled brother full time and also has a slow progressing type of cancer which is incurable) I just think that he should save it if he takes it all(I wouldn’t even accept it if it were my mother).
Example 4. I had bought ‘sexy underwear’ for his birthday but got a bit insecure about wearing it (basically because we haven’t had sex in a month and when I’ve wore stuff like this before, his reactions aren’t always what I expect). I went in to the living room to show him what I bought and he sort of laughed awkwardly. I said out of embarrassment that I didn’t think I was in the mood today as I stayed up until 2am studying but let’s see how I feel later (not the best pick up line but I was awkward because of his reaction)
Example 5. I had planned for a few of his friends to join us on FaceTime for birthday drinks which which went well and we enjoyed it, 2 hours in, they asked him to play on his computer games as they always do. He asked me if this was alright and j just snapped, I couldn’t believe it, I’m there trying to make a nice intimate day for him and this is what he wants. He plays on computer games at least 5 nights a week and sometimes during the day as he furloughed at the moment. We had a fight after the call with our friends as I couldn’t believe this is what he wanted to do and now i am in bed crying and he is playing his games in the other room. Can I just explain that I am not a clingy person, he plays games most nights as I said and I take one day off a week from studying/ working. Today was that one day off until next weekend. I have lots of friends whom I meet when lockdown permits. I do yoga and exercise classes 3 times per week online, study most evenings so really we only spend time together maybe one day on my day off and I’d say 1-2 evenings per week. I just feel so lonely and unwanted right now that he wants to spend his birthday just like any other evening with his friends online. I feel more emotional than usual because I’m stressed with uni work and I thought that maybe he’d understand me being a little more emotional than usual today and that maybe he’d appreciate me making an effort today on his birthday but no. Apparently I’m controlling and clingy. I just don’t know why I’m with him anymore, I’m in too deep, we’re together since I was 18. If anything he drags me down, he’s unambitious, a bit simple minded and lazy. If I left him, I would be so lost. I wish he’d just make more effort to maintain a healthy loving relationship instead of letting things get like this. We could be amazing together if he put in as much effort as I do. I’d like to maybe have children in a few years and he has said he would like to also. I just can’t see him with children, he’s forgotten to feed and walk our dog multiple times, I wouldn’t trust him to pull his weight equally.

If he's like this now then having kids won't change him, in fact it will be worse.

While you might be lost at first, you will find your feet and when ready you'll meet someone who knows what they want in life.

I mean could he be depressed at all? It manifests in different ways but honestly I would cut your losses and start fresh

Let people do whatever they want if you want to make a thing of their birthday.

I think you did make his birthday mostly about you and what you wanted/would like.

Resenting him as you are the breadwinner is also unreasonable- why should you not be? If you were happy, I doubt this would be an issue. I think this is the point- I think your relationship has run it’s course. You have different ambitions, goals and outlook on life. You have grown apart as you grow up.

I doubt he can be happy either- his partner thinks he is dull and boring, for instance, which can’t be fun for him anymore than it is for you to feel frustrated and bored with your partner.

Everybody conveniently forgetting the fact its him who works full time as well. But of course minimum wage jobs arnt jobs on mumsnet and you just need to go find one of those millions of available better ones.

@Jaxxi

“I like how all the introverted gamers and men on here are defending him 😂“

What a ridiculous post. No- people who understand that not everyone is the same and people can have different personalities are defending him. My DH is quiet, doesn’t like a fuss on his birthdays etc and I respect that and keep his birthdays how he wants them. It doesn’t make him ‘boring’ or give us a ‘crap life’ as some people are saying, we have plenty of fun in other ways and he’s my world.

But the OP and her fiancé are incompatible because she wants him to change and no one should be forced to- that’s why people are defending him.

Thank you @ReallySpicyCurryamd @HardlyEver for understanding. I do feel that I am only controlling because I plan everything. I’m not a mean controlling person who wouldn’t listen to my partners opions, it’s just he doesn’t have many opinions so I sort of just carry him along. The couple you know @hardlyever seem like us exactly, I proposed and began planning a wedding but stopped because I then decided to go to university as a mature student so we said we’d wait until after but here we are still with not very much savings so just don’t see it happening unless we go to the registry office. But once again, that’s a plan I know I’ll have to make on my own like everything else.

@nostaples agreed, since when is planning a day out for someone’s birthday too much? I actually involved him in the decisions weeks before and he agreed. This happens a lot actually, I’ll plan something and he’ll agree only to seem disinterested on the day.

And when I describe him as simple minded he just doesn’t seem clued up on things that I think are obvious. He’s logical and smart, does well in his job and believe it or not he actually has had two promotions in a year but works in hospitality so just above min wage as a manager is the best he’ll get there. But when it comes to some other small and big stuff he is just a bit simple. For example, If someone asked him for advice on what to do in London or in our neighborhood he wouldn’t have a clue how to answer, he’d probably send them to McDonald’s or something (we’ve lived here 5 years)

And it’s not just the small things he’s clueless on, it’s bigger things too, we want to foster or adopt as I am not sure I can have children naturally (hormonal issues since childhood), we’ve discussed this possibility all through our relationship and I said to him a few days ago that we should start discussing it seriously now. We discussed it briefly, and I asked him a question about what he thought happens regarding schools when you foster a child, like I’m unsure whether they move school when they live with their carer. He replied ‘maybe they don’t go to school when you foster them?’ I nearly just laughed in his face, he really thinks that social services would take an already disadvantaged child out of school altogether instead of moving them to a different school or keeping them in their current one.

Things like that irritate me because it’s like talking to someone who’s lived all his life on a secluded island.

Gosh, I’m really ranting now and going off on a tangent.

It would be very hard to break up with him, I’m almost 33, don’t have a close family (grew up I’m a very dysfunctional home), have friends but they are all starting to get on with their lives (starting families etc) and I am just so fearful of being alone. I know it’s really selfish. I guess my fiancé is not boring enough to leave and maybe I’m not controlling enough for him to leave either, we’re just comfortable.

You could be amazing together if he could be bothered. He can't.
Maybe he has within him the ability to put effort into a relationship but he's never going to find that unless he is challenged to grow as a person. This situation is not going to do that and he isn't motivated by your prompts to pro-actively do this.
So this is it.
Your life potential will never be realised beyond the constraints of your life partner. People only grow when challenged if comfortable, maybe losing you would make him learn the lesson for his next relationship or he'll stick to a narrative of 'poor me' and carry on as he is. The way he continues to accept his mother's support when it should be the other way round now suggests the latter is more likely.
Count yourself lucky you aren't married and break free to build something. You could go anywhere and do anything without the ties you to this person. Open a fresh chapter, this is stale and going nowhere

They are earning fuck all money in minimum paid jobs - yet chose to live in London.

There’s no way that minimum paid jobs will get you by when you have to pay London rent tbh

"I’m in too deep, we’re together since I was 18. If anything he drags me down, he’s unambitious, a bit simple minded and lazy. If I left him, I would be so lost."

This here is the problem. You are clinging to him out of fear of the alternative, and you desperately trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole so that you don´t have to change the status quo.

He isn´t going to be the person you want him to be because that isn´t who he is. People change enormously from they are 18 until their 30s and you and he are no longer compatible. It will be strange being alone for you for a while, but you will adapt and most likely meet a man you can have a relationship of equals with. Or you can waste your life on this dead relationship.

I think that after being together since you were 18 you have grown apart . You want different things but instead of having the courage to leave the relationship you are trying to change your partner to be the person you want him to be , rather than who he is.

I imagine like a lot of people there has been a negative impact on your relationship of Covid and the extra time you are spending together at home , not being able to do things you would normally do, see your friends and family members etc puts a lot of pressure on your relationship . Lack of interest in things you would normally enjoy can be a sign of depression .

Can you see things improving after the current situation lifts in a few months? Be honest , you have been together for more than 12 years. How much of this time has the relationship been good and how long has the 'meh .... just existing ' aspect been ? If it predates the current crisis then I don't think it will improve and you don't want to spend the rest of your life just settling because this is all you have known .

I think you both need a break from each other right now , be it temporary for you to both think what you want from life , or permanent.

I think you have outgrown this relationship.

engaged 5 years and no plans for wedding yet as we never seem to have enough money if you want something you find a way (like those £1k gifts from his Mum) if you aren't bothered about it you find an excuse.

We saved up for an extension, absolutely scrimped on loads because the end goal would be worth it, and it totally was. You make sacrifices for something you want.

It sounds like what was once comfy is not not enough for you anymore. Yes he has good qualities, it doesn't make him the right person for you.

You can rant all you like. But at the end of the day, you are completely incompatible.

You find him boring and stupid, he probably finds you patronising and interfering. Though of course, we only have your story here, I'm reading between the lines.

What the hell are you doing getting engaged?

You’re clearly not both on the same page, I’ll be honest you both sound like hard-work but in completely opposite ways.
You’re clearly just not suited for each other. why not find someone that wants the same things/experiences as you want, and who thinks the same/similar way as you do, you will both be happier.

The OP was a sad read: you both sound so unhappy, yet I can practically feel you doing so much heavy lifting to try and make this work. He seems very disengaged and you seem to be - naturally - scared of what this may mean and anxious to make it right. How long has it been this way? Has lockdown stress exaggerated patterns in your relationship that were bubbling under but containable as long as you both had other things going on? If this is, on the other hand, brand new stuff, your partner may be depressed. You got together at 18 and people do a huge amount of growing and changing between 18 and 30, sadly it can mean you grow in different directions.

Fear, comfort with status quo and hard work are all great reasons to stay as you are.
But you can't be happy like this, so you will either be the person who let that stop you and accept this is as good as it gets. It you rip it all up, change everything and open doors of opportunity to see what happens.
It's like jumping off a cliff, scary as heck but better than washing up in ten years time and realising 33 year old you was so much better placed than 43 year old you to do it.
It doesn't have to be straight away, gather strength, make a plan and build a new future, start day dreaming what you could do with a fresh start and a clean slate.
A life partner is a lovely thing to have but only if they make you happy otherwise they are a burden, a trap. There are other ways to be happy, get out there and do what makes you happy then you'll meet your people and find out how it feels to fly