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Original poster

How can I make myself fall asleep while DH is still up?

28 replies

denfit · 27/11/2020 08:18

I know this seems like such a silly question, but here is my issue.

DH is a key worker and his workload right now is through the roof. He'll come home from work, have some dinner and watch tv/read the news for an hour or so to decompress, and then continue working from home.

He can be up until midnight, but last night he came up to bed at 1:45am. It's shocking but it sounds like all his colleagues are under the same pressure (he's also worked all of the last few weekends).

The problem is, that I just find it impossible to go to sleep unless DH is in bed with me. I always have. I'm one of those people who can never nap or 'drop off,' even if I'm really tired! I just lie there until he comes up! The only way I've found is to take a Nytol which then makes me fall asleep, but obviously that's not sustainable.

I also think a bit of the problem might be that I feel so sorry for DH, that I stay up late and either bring he hot drinks/snacks, or just sort of sit in the same room with him while he's working, as though out of solidarity. He's working so hard for us and I would feel bad to waltz upstairs at 10:30!

Any ideas please?

OP posts:
Hardbackwriter · 27/11/2020 08:21

I also think a bit of the problem might be that I feel so sorry for DH, that I stay up late and either bring he hot drinks/snacks, or just sort of sit in the same room with him while he's working, as though out of solidarity.

Is you 'just sort of sitting in the same room as him' not driving him mad?!

I don't really understand - do you genuinely never spend a night apart? What did you do before you lived with him? Surely you have, at some point in your adult life, slept alone... Is this anxiety based, because it isn't normal or healthy to be so dependent/clingy?

AaronPurr · 27/11/2020 08:22

Surely you must have slept alone at some point during your life? What did you do before meeting DH?

Stradivari · 27/11/2020 08:23

Put some meditation music on, close your eyes and go to sleep.

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Crunchymum · 27/11/2020 08:26

You sound a bit smothering and needy.

I get the sentiment but jeez, stop being a martyr. Sitting up to 2am out of "solidarity" Shock

Original poster
denfit · 27/11/2020 08:28

Oh yeah if we are apart, as in I'm on a weekend away with friends or so on, then of course I can get to sleep just fine! I mean if we are in the same house, I find it a struggle. I did recognise that this seems a bit silly/unusual in the OP... Smile

No I don't think it irritates him that I am staying up, I think he appreciates the hot drinks etc...?!

OP posts:
User258544 · 27/11/2020 08:30

Is it because you know it will wake you when he comes up? Eye mask and ear plugs. Do you drink caffeine? None after 12.

GreyishDays · 27/11/2020 08:31

I’m a bit the same if I’m waiting for DH to come to bed. Not a problem if he’s away.

Is any of the problem that you can hear DH? Would earplugs help?

AaronPurr · 27/11/2020 08:31

Right so it's not impossible for you to fall asleep without him, like you said in your first post.

I think you need to find something to take your thoughts off him not being there. Music, reading, listening to a podcast etc. You can sleep without him, you just need to get out of the habit of thinking you can't.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 27/11/2020 08:32

What do you do if he goes out for the evening with friends? Wait up? That would drive me mad OP, you need to get some independence. I get the impression that you think it’s cute, it’s really not. It’s very needy and puts pressure on the other person. Much like a toddler who needs their parent to sit with them whilst they go to sleep.

Iwantacookie · 27/11/2020 08:32

I think I know what you mean op. I always sleep better when dp is in bed with me. Ide say go to bed pop some tv on and if you fall asleep great

TheOtherMaryBerry · 27/11/2020 08:32

I can understand this in a slightly different way. I really struggle to get to sleep if DH is still up but that's because I know he'll wake me when he does come through as I sleep very lightly these days. Do you have a spare room at all? We don't and it's a pain but if you do have somewhere else he could sleep you might find it easier if you know you're on your own and you're not waiting for him as such.

Ohalrightthen · 27/11/2020 08:32

Ahhh OP I'm exactly the same! If he's in the house i find it really hard to get to sleep alone.

What does help for me is an orgasm, and an audiobook or something on the radio, volume low, and no screens.

ShortSilence · 27/11/2020 08:34

Actually — although I do not have any problems dropping off alone — I kind of get it.

When you’re aware someone else is coming to bed in a bit, it can be hard to settle until you know they are settled too and that you won’t be woken again.

I used to have this problem with ex-dp if he stayed up gaming and came to bed late. It wasn’t me being altruistic or concerned for him, it was just that part of my brain was on alert for the anticipated disturbance in the room which always seemed to nudge me back to wakefulness.

I don’t know if that applies here though and I never found a way of getting past it, sorry!

GoldenNCurly · 27/11/2020 08:35

It sounds to me like you stay up with him out of guilt. Do you work OP?

Original poster
denfit · 27/11/2020 08:37

@ShortSilence

Actually — although I do not have any problems dropping off alone — I kind of get it.

When you’re aware someone else is coming to bed in a bit, it can be hard to settle until you know they are settled too and that you won’t be woken again.

I used to have this problem with ex-dp if he stayed up gaming and came to bed late. It wasn’t me being altruistic or concerned for him, it was just that part of my brain was on alert for the anticipated disturbance in the room which always seemed to nudge me back to wakefulness.

I don’t know if that applies here though and I never found a way of getting past it, sorry!

Yes, I think this might be it. The odds are 50/50 that he will wake me.
OP posts:
Original poster
denfit · 27/11/2020 08:37

@GoldenNCurly

It sounds to me like you stay up with him out of guilt. Do you work OP?
Yes I do work full time, I bring in around twice as much as he does Wink
OP posts:
PurpleDandelions · 27/11/2020 08:37

I find it helps to listen to podcasts using comfy earphones. It's like I'm not trying to go to sleep so (if I'm tired) I just drop off. And if I don't then at least I'm not bored. Needs to be something fairly dull though Smile

Original poster
denfit · 27/11/2020 08:38

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

What do you do if he goes out for the evening with friends? Wait up? That would drive me mad OP, you need to get some independence. I get the impression that you think it’s cute, it’s really not. It’s very needy and puts pressure on the other person. Much like a toddler who needs their parent to sit with them whilst they go to sleep.
Of all the ways to describe this, it is absolutely not cute. I am frustrated with myself for not being able to drop off. I am annoyed at the fact that the next day I am tired, as I've had less than six hours' sleep. I am concerned about DH's mental health, work life balance, and lack of sleep. This is not "cute" Confused.
OP posts:
Original poster
denfit · 27/11/2020 08:39

Thanks for the recommendations of podcasts, music, TV in the background. I shall try that Smile

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 27/11/2020 08:40

Listen to the Archers! Guaranteed to get me to sleep before the 12 minutes are up- actual insomnia cure!
I think some of it sounds like guilt or some kind of protective urge to be with your husband. But check in with him as I’m sure- like me- he actually likes some solitude time to switch off and process. Then let it go and get sleep- no point in you both being tired.

Original poster
denfit · 27/11/2020 08:41

@GoldenNCurly

It sounds to me like you stay up with him out of guilt. Do you work OP?
Although thinking about it, you are right about the guilt. I do feel guilty about going up to bed, leaving him to work for another couple of hours.
OP posts:
Dillo10 · 27/11/2020 08:43

I don't think you sound weird or needy!
I struggle to fall asleep when I know my DH is still downstairs watching tv/playing computer games because I feel like I can't relax yet.
It's mainly (as PP said) because I know he might wake me getting into bed. I prefer to have him there and go to sleep together.
I would recommend an eye mask and ear plugs to reduce the likelihood that this will happen.

Chocoqueen · 27/11/2020 08:45

I don't think it's an unusual problem op, I'm exactly the same. I genuinely think it's down to the fact I can't settle knowing he'll disturb me when he comes up to bed. It's so frustrating!! It's not like he's even noisy or turns the light on or anything - he does everything he can to be quiet! I just can't settle!

floofycroissant · 27/11/2020 08:49

Properly wind down for bed, herbal tea, dim lights, no screens. I wear a silk sleep mask. If I'm super anxious I'll listen to a headspace sleepcast. The other option is to sleep in separate bedrooms.

BefuddledPerson · 27/11/2020 08:50

I don't think it is unusual or smothering Confused

I put headphones in and listen to something which usually works.

We find it hard as we usually chat before the light goes out so the day doesn't finish right if we go to bed at different times!

Totally different when only one in the house.

Some couples just get on!

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