How to stop someone else's depression rubbing off onto me?

[MerinoFroggie]

I'm at home with my mom and 1 brother. We are both in our 20s. I don't know what's wrong with him. He's been off form over the past 2 or 3 years. There has been some episodes from him over the past few years. I don't know what it is, if it's drugs or depression or a mix of both. He's hasn't been to his go for a depression diagnosis but I think he should really go to his GP behaviour is not right. He lives at home because its convenient for him not to pay his way. (I help at home by the way so at least I'm not using my mother). He used to be good at exercising. He hasn9done any exercise in months. He is doing a course and that gets him up but that's about it. He sees his friends once every few weeks. Covid knocked his outings back. Aside from that his room is a mess. There's episodes of him staying in his room and not coming out from his room until he hears our bedroom doors close at night - completely avoiding us. Last Christmas was a nightmare. He threw the Christmas tree and mom cooked a dinner that he couldn't be bothered coming down for. I bought loads of desserts and he never wanted any of that. He only came out of his room when we were gone to bed. He has a TV and a fridge in his room and I suppose he has little reason to come out from his room but genie mac, he could try and make some sort of an effort to say hello once in a while. I wouldn't be surprised if he has a bucket in his room to use as a toilet just to avoid coming out altogether.

There was a period going back about 2 or 3 years ago where he wasn't speaking at all. He would go to work or go to see his girlfriend and whenever he was home, me and our mom never existed in his eyes. Our rooms are side by side and we live under the same roof and there was a time where months went by and our only interactions was passing in the hall and saying hello. The girlfriend is gone now which is very disappointing it never worked out for him. She was good for him.

He smokes weed in his room and the smell travels all around the house. My mom hasn't pulled him up on any of this.

I don't know if it's drugs and or depression.

I did the usual supportive things. Asked him if he wants anything from the shop, cooked meals or bought some ready meals and told him there's plenty in the fridge and to help himself to any of it. Boiled the kettle for tea or coffee. I was supportive as best as I could be in any way I could.

I'm so fed up with him now. Last weekend was another weekend where he couldnt be bothered getting up at all once and he stayed in his room all weekend long and only coming out at night time. He might have passed me once in the kitchen late at night and I think there was some sort of a grunt out of him. That was it.

His depressive episodes are jow rubbing off on me.

He has a girlfriend?!

That sounds hideous for you and your mother, I'm sorry.

I would be making plans to move out as soon as humanly possible. You can't fix him and you can't force your mother to deal with the situation either. Get away from this madness.

The girlfriend is gone now which is very disappointing it never worked out for him. She was good for him.

From the OP ^^

I'm also in my 20s and living at home and I have two brothers just like this. Although my brothers go out with friends but they don't say where they are going or anything, you just hear the front door slam shut. I haven't had any kind of meaningful conversation with them in a few months. I also really, really relate to what you said about your Christmas. It makes me feel so sad as I just want a normal family Christmas, I would do anything for us to just sit around the table for Christmas dinner and then go for a walk together or play board games or something.

It is really difficult because you want to help, but also know he is an adult and you are not his parent. It's so frustrating though and really affects the mood of the whole household.

I have offered my brothers advice and help but they don't want it or appreciate it. I have made gentle suggestions to my Mum which has helped, e.g. I told her she should persuade them to speak to their GP about their depression and that has helped a little so I think that is something that may help your brother too.

I think the best thing is too try and emotionally distance yourself from it. Embrace doing things with your Mum, give him the invitation to join in but try and not be hurt if he doesn't. I don't know, it's hard to give advice as it's such a difficult situation. One of my brothers will do the same as yours where they wait until you have shut your bedroom door to go to bed before they venture out of their bedroom, it really hurts and makes you feel unwanted in your own home.

Sorry I haven't given much advice, but I just wanted to sympathise with you and let you know I know exactly what you are going through.

The only time he comes to life is whenever he's in the bathroom getting ready to go out.

I mentioned that already to my mom that he needs to be seeing his gp. It's not good or healthy to be in his room all the time. She agreed but I don't know if it went any further.

What he's doing staying in his room all the time and only getting up when he hears the doors close at night is so fcuking cruel and to be quite honest I'm sick of it. What have we done on him? He's a user and a bum. He hardly talks to me and avoids me but he's happy to use my laptop for his zoom classes. Talking about being used. Not once since I started with my boyfriend a few years ago has he once tried to get to know him or be friendly him and they are not even friends on Facebook either. He could try and some interaction on the social media but it's nil/nothing/zero/zilch/nada.

His dirty moods has ruined Christmas over the past three years.

3 years ago on boxing day, he was getting ready but his favourite shirt was not washed and ironed and he gave out stink to our mother for not having it washed even though he had loads of other shirts to choose from. The very shirt that was not washed, was the shirt he wanted.

2 Christmases ago, we had family come home from Australia. They were staying in another county. The plane was for us to travel and have Christmas with them. There's only one driver in the house and its him. I had no problem planning ahead and taking the bus but my mother wanted us to travel with her and him. He placed more emphasis on going out for days on end for the 12 pubs of Christmas and not coming home than he did on having any good Christmas with our family who were home. He had plans of travelling Christmas eve but he was too hungover. I wsnted to get the bus and make my own plans at that stage but my mom asked me to wait and she said we can travel tomorrow when he's better. Christmas morning came around and he was still in bed. Christmas noon and he was still in bed. At that stage I began getting ready to over to my boyfriends for Christmas. It was only then that he decided to get up. Our journey to the other County was 4 hours away. 4 bloody fcuking hours away and he was only getting up at 1pm on Christmas day. I should have stopped talking to him entirely after that episode. That was unforgivable to deny us that chance to spend a meaningful Christmas with the rest of the family.

Last Christmas I helped mom cooked dinner. He got up at at some stage in the morning time to make some tea or breakfast and went back to bed. He did seem to be in good form at that time. 4pm came and dinner was ready. I went up and knocked on his door and told him the diviner was ready if he would like to come down. He heard me and said he will be down in a minute. He never came down. 4.30 came and my mother called him again. 5 came and he never came down. 6 came and he never came down. 7 and 8 came around and he was still in his room. Mom was distraught as to why he never came down for dinner. I was upset too. We went to the afford of cooking a meal and having some nice desserts in the fridge and he only got up at night time when we were gone to bed. That was a huge smack in the face from him. He went out the night after, came home and threw the Christmas tree. What an ungrateful little pr1ck. Do people with depression really feel that low? Or is he suffering from a drug come down? My heart sank a few weeks ago when mom was talking about Christmas and Christmas dinner and what to have for dinner and I told her - 'no, just no mom, pack of frozen waffles will do or whatever you usually have day to day. Not another big dinner'. I don't want her feeling distraught again.

He spent all of last weekend hiding out in his bedroom again and only getting up at night time when we were gone to bed. One of the nights I ended up staying up late, unintentionally and I was still in the kitchen by 3.30 in the morning. He got up then and grunted at me and he looked nearly offended the fact the kitchen wasn't free of a human for him.

He has taken no steps whatsoever in all these years to get help for his depression and moods.

Why is your mum still pandering to him and doing his bloody washing? Letting him smoking weed in his room.
Is she afraid of him?

You have two choices.

1. move out
2. you mum needs to kick him out.

No, she's not afraid of him.

She's afraid of losing the only man in her house. I kid you not.

.....have it out with him, op.

Shut your door at night, then when you hear him come back out stand in his doorway and confront him.

You are all enabling this disgusting behaviour. Being depressed is one thing. Treating you and your mother this way is another.

Time for a reality check and tough love.

Have. It. Out. With. Him.

Stop letting him get away with grunting and dismissing you.

You need to talk to your mother too and get her on board. The weed smoking has to stop (and im not totally anti drugs) but it won't be helping.

This behaviour is quite frankly disturbing and disgusting and I cant belive that he's getting away with it.

Make things uncomfortable for him until he changes or opens up, or something gives.

You cannot and should not live like this op!

He will behave like this for as long as he's smoking weed.

Are you able to leave and find somewhere else to live, OP? It must be incredibly depressing living like that.

I'm not very confrontational. I definitely won't be doing that and if do that, he will likely tell me he's not ignoring me and it's all in my head anyways so I'm definitely not doing that. It won't be worth my time or energy to do that. Also if I do that I think my mother will be upset and she absolutely loves him no matter what and her attitude is he's her baby boy. She will only just have it in for me.

I would rather keep my distance from him.

Sorry - off tangent, but are you Irish? Never heard the expression "genie mac" and googling says it's a bit of a swear word instead of saying "Jesus Christ". Is this correct?

Surely you and your Mum can still cook a lovely Christmas lunch for the two of you? Don't sacrifice yours and your Mum's happiness because of him. I know it is difficult but I think you need to accept that he won't join in with things and just try and live with that. I know it's difficult, particularly if he is your only sibling.

I have accepted that my brothers will never be the brothers I want them to be, instead of expecting a family Christmas dinner I accept it will just be me and my Mum at the table together whilst my brothers are in their bedrooms. It's sad but it would be sadder to not have a Christmas lunch at all.

I don't know what to do about the Xmas dinner. I don't want my mom setting herself up for disappointment. I saw her face last Christmas. I don't want her going there again this year. We could cook a meal alright if we wanted to but I know my mom so much, she will want to cook for him too.

There is an element of cruelty what he's doing. He played along over the past 2 Christmases setting my mom up for Christmas together and when it comes to get he's not all there.

For example last Christmas mom asked him what meat he wanted for the Christmas day dinner and he said beef or ham or something. I don't know. He then got up on Christmas morning and he was in OK of a mood for his cup of coffee and he went back to be and mom said that dinner should be ready at 4pm and he said OK. He should have had the fcuking balls to be up front and straight with her from the start and say he doesn't want a particular meat because he doesn't want dinner, same went for Christmas morning - 'I don't want dinner'. Instead he allowed our mom to cook for 3 and he hid in his room all day long.

My brother has completely shunned my boyfriend. My brother made no afford to ever say hello to my boyfriend or to try and get to know him. He made no afford to have any interactions with him on Facebook. Me and my brother are friends on Facebook and I don't think he even liked one of our couple pictures on Facebook. Not even one. He has completely shunned my boyfriend.

Well then, this Christmas dinner is for you and your mum. You make it together and you eat it together. You also choose what meat you fancy. In the new year work on your mum kicking him out. Or time for you to move on and out (depending on where you are in your life.)

If you won't confront him then you don't really have any other choice. Do you expect him to just magically change? He obviously won't, it's been going on for years.

It doesn't actually sound like he's really depressed, if he's managing to take his course and he goes out with his friends, he just sounds like a rude and entitled prick. Your mother has enabled his behaviour by putting up with it and continuing to do his washing etc and to a certain extent you are too. When he asks for your laptop for his classes just say no. You don't have to give it to him. Why do you let him just go around treating everyone however he likes and not even say a word to him?

So your options are confront him about it (doesn't have to be aggressive, just asks why he doesn't come out of his room or why he actively avoids you) or ignore it and put up with it.

Sounds like his love sick and not over the girlfriend? Would that explain things better?

If you block someone on the Facebook, do they get blocked on the messenger?

I'm done with my brother. He's a fcuking dickhead. He shunned my boyfriend and my boyfriend did nothing on him and that's unforgivable. It's also everything else on top of it. I don't want him on my Facebook anymore but I don't want to block him on the messenger because he uses that for communication once in a blue moon. Although he could use WhatsApp if he wants I f I block him on the Facebook and the messenger. I'm really done with him. There's no going back from any of this. He's been far too much of a dick.

For goodness sake do not 'confront' him by standing in his door way. That is not going to end well.

The fact is, you can't force him to interact with you no matter how well intentioned you are, and irrespective of the fact you just want what you consider to be a 'normal' relationship with your brother.

Perhaps the weed smoking and the depression are entirely the cause of his behaviour, but it's also possible that he's just decided he doesn't need nor want social interaction with his immediate family and their relationship partners. It's not at all unusual for someone to have no social media or face-to-face interaction with a sibling's partner. There's no law that says he has to, and while you might think it rude and unusual, he might take the view that again, he neither wants nor needs to interact with your boyfriend.

Your mother is really the only realistic means of progressing this. If he's living in her house, and she's not happy with how he's behaving, then perhaps she needs to make him aware of this, and if he doesn't amend his behaviour, ensure that the consequences of that are that he moves out and lives somewhere else. Both she and you have to accept though, that if it comes to that, and he still chooses to do nothing but ignore everyone and smoke weed all day in his new place, then he's within his right's to do that.

In the meantime, the only way for you to protect your own mental health is just to ignore his existence as much as possible and get on with your own life. Difficult I know when you share a dwelling, but again, the reality is that you are not going to be able to coerce, brow-beat, or sweet-talk him into changing his habits and giving you what you feel you are missing out of the relationship if he simply doesn't see it as a problem.

They have broken up since Easter of 2019. She's long gone. He should be over her. He was showing a lot of these signs even when he was with her so lovesickness is not really the answer.

Why do you care about if he likes pictures on Facebook? The rest of your grievances are justified but I don't understand the FB thing. Who cares whether someone talks to someone else on FB or not. You sound about 12.

It's time you moved out and got a place of your own. But you also quite immature for someone in their 20s. It doesn't matter if he's friends with your boyfriend on Facebook, for heaven's sake! I'm assuming you're in Ireland and I'm not sure of the lockdown rules there - but as soon as it eases a bit, book a nice restaurant or pub meal for you and your mum, don't bother including your brother, and go out for a nice Christmassy evening just the two of you. Life doesn't have to stop just because he's lurking in his bedroom. On Christmas Day - lunch is at whatever time - anyone who doesn't come to the table, remove their place setting and start without them. Turn up the Christmas music, watch a film or play a game with your mum, get out for a walk - let him listen through the floorboards to Christmas happening without him, don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that it has ground to a halt because he hasn't graced it with his presence.

I don't usually place weight in Facebook or social media. I don't usually care about who likes my pictures or how many likes I get.

It's the ignoring from him in real life. Hiding in his room and only coming out at night time to avoiding me. He could at least try something and have some sort of a contact on the social media but nothing. It's completely shunning me but also my boyfriend too. I can't figure out what I have done wrong on him. I can't figure out what my boyfriend did on him.

Thank you for all your replies and thank you Katy for yours too. I'm going to try and make Christmas a good one for me and mom. He can join in if he wants but I will plane for me and mom. Thank you