How to stop someone else's depression rubbing off onto me?

[MerinoFroggie]

I'm at home with my mom and 1 brother. We are both in our 20s. I don't know what's wrong with him. He's been off form over the past 2 or 3 years. There has been some episodes from him over the past few years. I don't know what it is, if it's drugs or depression or a mix of both. He's hasn't been to his go for a depression diagnosis but I think he should really go to his GP behaviour is not right. He lives at home because its convenient for him not to pay his way. (I help at home by the way so at least I'm not using my mother). He used to be good at exercising. He hasn9done any exercise in months. He is doing a course and that gets him up but that's about it. He sees his friends once every few weeks. Covid knocked his outings back. Aside from that his room is a mess. There's episodes of him staying in his room and not coming out from his room until he hears our bedroom doors close at night - completely avoiding us. Last Christmas was a nightmare. He threw the Christmas tree and mom cooked a dinner that he couldn't be bothered coming down for. I bought loads of desserts and he never wanted any of that. He only came out of his room when we were gone to bed. He has a TV and a fridge in his room and I suppose he has little reason to come out from his room but genie mac, he could try and make some sort of an effort to say hello once in a while. I wouldn't be surprised if he has a bucket in his room to use as a toilet just to avoid coming out altogether.

There was a period going back about 2 or 3 years ago where he wasn't speaking at all. He would go to work or go to see his girlfriend and whenever he was home, me and our mom never existed in his eyes. Our rooms are side by side and we live under the same roof and there was a time where months went by and our only interactions was passing in the hall and saying hello. The girlfriend is gone now which is very disappointing it never worked out for him. She was good for him.

He smokes weed in his room and the smell travels all around the house. My mom hasn't pulled him up on any of this.

I don't know if it's drugs and or depression.

I did the usual supportive things. Asked him if he wants anything from the shop, cooked meals or bought some ready meals and told him there's plenty in the fridge and to help himself to any of it. Boiled the kettle for tea or coffee. I was supportive as best as I could be in any way I could.

I'm so fed up with him now. Last weekend was another weekend where he couldnt be bothered getting up at all once and he stayed in his room all weekend long and only coming out at night time. He might have passed me once in the kitchen late at night and I think there was some sort of a grunt out of him. That was it.

His depressive episodes are jow rubbing off on me.

For now, you have to treat him like he's not there - in the longer term, your mother will need to consider evicting him - he adds nothing positive to the household. It is probable that he is too comfortable - no need for him to change as he has everything he needs.

Also provide NO services for him - get a large lidded bin tub for any worn clothes/dirty washing up/correspondance for him and leave it outdoors.

(speaking from the point of view of someone who's BIL will not evict his mentally ill ex despite it being 9 months since it kicked off and that it is doing no-one any good least of all her).

He’s not behaving badly to annoy you, he is behaving badly because he is allowed to. You need to concentrate on your own life and happiness and let him live his life as he sees fit. You don’t have to like it or approve of it, it’s not your problem, it’s his.
Make a plan for yourself; finances, career, training, put it on a timeline, get out of the house more and stop obsessing about your brother. Be friends with your mum. Have more fun, live your life well.

Can you learn to drive so you are not dependent on his driving?

I have 2 dc, much younger than you are, and one of them is extremely hard going. As much as it’s very easy to say that your dm should do this or do that, it’s a very complex thing dealing with a dc with MH issues.
I would hope that my dd would be kind towards her db, but not dragged down by him. I think all you can really do here is live your own life well.

You can’t fix him. You also can’t compensate for his failings with your dm. You can only have your own relationship with her, not his as well, iyswim.

Concentrate on making good and healthy decisions for yourself. Be kind to your dm, and in time, if he sorts himself out then maybe keep the door open for a relationship. But in the meantime, you have to accept how things are and that you really have no control here.

I'm usually never dependant on his car or his driving. I make my own way in this life. I was going to take the bus that Christmas eve. I also had a lift offered to me by the other family. I was going to make my own way but my mother asked me to hold on and wait for her to travel together on Christmas day. Looking back that Christmas was absolutely dreadful. We didn't get on the road until 1.30 or 1.45 pm in the afternoon. That was far too late. I hated it.

boohoo!poor you! perhaps you should give a bit of support and encourage him to get help for his depression? I doubt he’s enjoying so shit

If you don't want to confront your brother then that's understandable. I do think you need to have a serious talk with your mum, she seems to be enabling him.

Have you ever told her that his behaviour is making you miserable and your mum pandering to him makes you feel even worse?

If you and your mum could come to an agreement that you make the most of your time together. If your brother is there great, if he can't be arsed then you both make an effort to move on and enjoy whatever it is regardless.

I get the feeling your mother is creating tension by constantly wanting him present, and also why should your enjoyment play second fiddle to someone who isn't bothered?

You sound so young. How old are you op?

So you won't confront, although I do not understand why.

So you'll clearly just continue to let him carry on, and be miserable.

Just ignore him. Or confront him. Those are clearly your options.

You sound young, angry and resentful.
I'm not sure what advice you want us to give?

Nothing will change unless somebody takes the reigns.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be miserable, but the only options are to confront, which you won't, or continue, which sounds like you will, thus making the thread somewhat pointless, unless ultimately you're looking for a place to vent and some people to sympathise with you.

Oh and I didnt mean for my first post to sound aggressive, I certainly didn't mean back him into a corner and rage at him.
What I did mean was you need to catch him bypassing you and try and communicate, he needs to at the very least respect you and your mother, rather than just grunting at you.
Your both enabling it, by not telling him that you should be respected, letting him creep around the house and avoid you?
I dont mean to sound harsh or unsupportive, I just really don't understand how you can let him get away with it, when you're so clearly miserable and upset.

I knew after reading a few lines that it was going to be smoking weed. Sadly there is little you can do if that is the cause of his behaviour, I have heard about so many people in similar situations. I'm sorry OP. All you can do is resolve to stop trying with him and get on with your life. You can't make someone stop taking drugs if they don't want to.

KnitFairy! - Is that you???