How often do your children physically fight?

[xoxoz]

My ds are 4&5 and they are constantly fighting.

They are good as gold at school but as soon as they get home they will annoy each other.

Every day, multiple times I have to break up a physical fight.

Is this normal for their ages?

I do give punishments such as no cartoons or no pudding but the next day they start again.

I've spoken to other mums irl and they say their dc are not that bad.

I have 11 year old twin girls. They never really physically fought when younger. They'd row and bicker but nothing major.

In the last year they have flicked a switch and argue and bitch and occasionally lash out. Some of it is lock down I'm sure and some of it it puberty and some learned from peers - they have quite a 'mean girl' group in their class and have been separated from their other nice friends group due to bubbles.

I hate it and we come down hard but it is constant atm. I was never like this with my sibling and neither was dh with his.

I wish I'd known how to 'nip it in the bud' with my two sons. They've bickered and fought physically all their lives, mostly wrestling type stuff rather than punching or kicking. They weren't smacked or physically punished but star charts, time out, quite discussions afterwards, or me shouting made not a jot of difference.

Once they got to 6ft+ teenagers I just used to leave them to it with dire threats if they wrecked my house - imagine Pacific Rim playing out in your front room...

They did actually get on really well most of the time, and still do now they are both in their 20s, and are both really nice, well mannered and considerate young men. But they still have the odd wrestling match when they come home together.

Never, not allowed from young age. Oldest has sen and has had loads of surgery which could not be damaged.

They don't and never have.

Not normal here. My sister and I used to fight all the time as children and teens and it was horrendous. So I decided to coach my children through arguments as soon as they started to bicker from a young age, and encourage them to come up with solutions and talk it through. Lots of 'gentle hands' from babyhood and as they get older 'DD use your words to tell him you dont like it, DS look at DDs body/ face/ hear that scream? she is showing you she doesn't like that game' so they are learning both sides. So far its working, they bicker but don't physically fight, occassionally someone pushes someone else and so we go over what happened beforehand- was it out of the blue? Was it because someone was overstepping a boundary? And work it through that way. They are 8, 5 and 3 and so far its working.

My husband and his brother apparently had some humdingers as kids. They are close in age. Obviously you need to address it, but just to reassure you they are both lovely gentle people, they have a great relationship with each other as adults.
Most kids aren't getting enough exercise at the moment, or enough real world stimulation. Yes, separate when fighting - zero tolerance - but also prevent by investing in a warm coat so you can spend hours at the park. Or walking the streets in spurious errands.

Every day. Dd5 and dd7. They seem to enjoy it half the time.

Oh and we don't do punishment if things do escalate. I will shout if needed, but have found staying calm diffuses things more often than not. We do a calm down time for the angry child on the stairs with an adult next to them, and we comfort the injured/ wronged child first while stopping the angry child from reaching the others.

I don't think they ever have which is nice, but down to luck more than anything. We never even got shouting

I used to have proper fistfights with my siblings. We were like savages when we were angry, although we had very angry parents and we were hit by them, so it was to be expected I suppose.

Never. I made it clear zero tolerance on physical violence.

My older two (8&9) don’t fight in anger but do play fight which often ends in tears, I’ve noticed that they are doing it more at the moment when they aren’t burning off so much energy at their sports clubs. I try to channel their energy in other ways which helps sometimes! They do love to annoy each other sometimes.

I think often it is down to personality of the children rather than parenting.

Of course my 7yo has the right to be safe, but as at 8:40 this morning when DS1 was putting his shoes on and DS2 comes out from brushing his teeth and takes a couple of light kicks in DS1's direction, DS2 is certainly not blameless!

Evenings are easier as I can seperate them. Cramped into a tight hallway and focusing on getting out of the house is a flashpoint. After school, DS1 regularly goes to his room to chill and gets food and drink and comes out when his emotional energy is funtional again. I control them entering the house one by one.

The loss of sport is deeply antagonising to high energy children. We had a couple of activities back which helped, but DS2 hasn't had football since March, and neither has had parkrun. They need to run with their peer group and have zero interest in going for a run with me.

The flip side of physical, tactile children is that they are also affectionate. They snuggle up on the sofa together squdged into a corner. They like being close together. It unfortunately also puts them into close range when one lashes out or gets irritating hence the frequency.

Not all siblings fight, but lots of them do. It's infuriating, but absolutely normal.

Tbh this is where I think you simply have to have a no touch rule. I do get that seems harsh for genuine play fighting but it tips over far too easily. It’s good for kids boundaries.

It might be normal dead but there’s a lot of normal stuff that’s also extremely damaging.

Mine bicker rather than full on fight. If they star lashing out I separate them very quickly. They're 9 and 6. I've also got wise to the most common triggers (bloody Lego avengers game) and it was banned for a time. Now if they want to play they get a serious warning that any arguing will result in a screen time ban.
I've thankfully never had to the thing where you have to hold them apart whilst they still try and fight.

My older 2 girls used to bicker all the time. Not physical but draining nonetheless. The key was to address the root cause of the bickering which took time to unearth. They get on really well now and are very supportive of one another.

Luckily never but I think that's just their nature rather than anything we've done. When they were 3 and 5 there were a couple of pushing incidents but they were put on the naughty step (in reality for 30 seconds and only twice each ever!).

They are 6 and 7 and a half (boys).

Mine are 7 and 5 and have always bickered with it occasionally spilling over into one of them taking a whack or kick at the other. Currently DD1 is often winding up DD2 who then hits her. It’s getting better as they get older though and are more in control of their tempers.

I’ve found there are certain times when they just cannot play nicely. After school is the worst period for it as they are both really tired. Weekends after 4.30 and just before lunch are the same. So in these periods they need to be kept occupied rather than playing together as playing always descends into a fight at this time of day.

So many perfect parents on this thread.
I think it's largely down to luck/personality mix that dictates wether they will physically fight or not. Not parenting.

My DTs are nearly 3, and fight nearly every day. Sometimes it’s play fighting, but it erupts into not fun pretty often, so you’re not alone OP!

The PP who said they nipped it in the bud pretty quickly, or made it clear they had zero tolerance for it, how did you do it? That’s not me being goady, I genuinely am at a loss as no punishment seems to work with my two and I’m getting to the end of my tether with it. They’re basically feral...!

Op do they get enough physical activity?
That along with separating them immediately helped mine to not escalate the fighting.

I love all the parents that have zero tolerance for it and wouldn’t allow it so their kids don’t.

Mine do it because I give them knives and let them have at it hunger games style obviously

I have never tolerated my boys being physical with each other. I'm not claiming that I am a super parent but I have consistently given the message that hitting anybody is just not acceptable in our house. Boring consistency is the only way to go but it's easiest to do from day dot. I hate the whole "boys will be boys" attitude, there are many healthier ways to divert boy energy.

Are there any SN, OP? Mine used to fight an awful lot, but they both have SN and very, very poor impulse control.

I know suggestions aren't always that helpful,but I've found that tangible rewards for kindness towards each other has really helped. We have a system now where they tell me any acts of kindness they've noticed in the other (they're not allowed to volunteer themselves ) and we make a note of it, then they get that number of small sweets every day after pudding. These can be anything - kind words, helpfulness, not retaliating when hurt, sharing food etc. I think the fact that they have to volunteer the other rather than themselves seems to have helped them notice good things about the other one.