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New bloke red flags

31 replies

Neptuneia · 23/11/2020 11:35

Friend told us recently that she'd met someone. He is working overseas but UK citizen and the plan was to meet when he's home on leave. It's all very whirlwind-y full on with gifts being sent and proclamations of love and it's only been 2 months.

They met on social media. She has a public account and he started liking her posts and then contacted her and they got chatting. She said they video chat for hours each day. She has a young DC and the DC sometimes features on the social media. I've felt a bit funny about this too, as predators can lurk on these sites. Her DC has also spoken to this man when they've done video chats. I feel it's a bit much "introducing" them when they've not even met in real life yet. He is divorced and has DC of his own.

He is home now and going to be meeting my friend at her house... Her DC is in school. I'm a bit nervous. Surely a coffee shop or other public place would have been safer to scope him out first but she's jumping in with both feet. She's basically acting like they're a proper couple but I know that things aren't real until you actually meet. Am quite nervous about this guy's intentions, lots of red flags. He also doesn't appear to have a proper home to go to having split with his wife, so I'm having visions of him turning up with all his belongings! He's already told her he'd be happy to move to her area... Maybe it'll be fine and a "you just know" situation and they'll be together properly as a couple but it just feels a bit weird and quick and dodgy. Other friend thinks so too.

OP posts:
sar302 · 23/11/2020 11:37

Yes it does sound like a bad idea! But you're probably not going to talk her out of it. I might offer to ring a couple of times during their first meeting, to give her an "out" if necessary, and check up on her.

I'm not sure what else you can do.

nosswith · 23/11/2020 11:39

I agree loads of red flags but that efforts to see sense may fall on stony ground.

Neptuneia · 23/11/2020 12:12

Yep, I've not advised against it or anything just said let me know how things go. She is quite a headstrong person. I am nervous in case things go wrong. Also if she moves him in quickly (as she did with a previous DP who she'd known for years) it's quite dodgy even if it was just her living there but there's a young vulnerable child to consider too. From what she was saying it sounded like she was considering him moving in soon as he was staying with a friend when he first got back to the country!

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Nikhedonia · 23/11/2020 12:16

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Why is she meeting him at her house? Why not just meet him outdoors? Just unnecessarily dangerous

Neptuneia · 23/11/2020 12:39

I don't know. They could have gone to a nearby coffee shop and hung out for a couple of hours. But no, he's going straight over there. He's about an hour away from her. Not sure what happens when her DC finishes school, is he going to stay for dinner, overnight?! Just Hmm

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nevernotstruggling · 23/11/2020 12:48

Your friend needs to watch the show catfish!!!

BalloonSlayer · 23/11/2020 12:52

She hasn't lent him any money has she?

Nikhedonia · 23/11/2020 12:57

Have you asked her why she is rushing this?

And is she normally this impulsive?

Rainbowshine · 23/11/2020 13:01

Are you worried about the children, that he might be after them and your friend’s gullibility has been his route in? You could contact the local safeguarding team.

haircutsRus · 23/11/2020 13:07

They shouldn't be meeting indoors at the moment anyway.

I too reckon he's looking for somewhere to hang his hat.

Neptuneia · 23/11/2020 14:20

He works overseas for months at a time so this is his first time back since they first met online. But very much rushing the relationship and perceived intimacy level imo.

She moved her now ex in very quickly (a month?) after splitting with her previous bloke who she lived with. We were a bit weirded out with that. That was pre-DC though. She's been single for years now and didn't seem that bothered about blokes until this one.

I don't think she's given him money. But he's bought her stuff, he seems to have a bit of cash. Treating her to this and that. I was surprised she'd given him her address at that stage though.

I can't say for sure if he's a danger to the DC. He might be a genuine bloke. But why risk it? They could meet in a public place safely and see if what they have is real. She's also going through child access drama with the DC's dad. Not sure adding a new bloke to the equation so quickly looks good there.

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BalloonSlayer · 23/11/2020 15:29

I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't turn up and she eventually gets a message from a friend to say he has been in a car accident and is in University College Hospital in

Hope not, hope they live happy ever after.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 23/11/2020 15:36

Have you tried Googling his name? Adding him as a friend on sm? Could you suggest she does a Claire's law check - to humour you even?
Working away for months? Could he be married?

Wyntersdiary · 23/11/2020 15:54

Sounds like she is putting herself and her DC in big danger yes, unfortunately these people won't listen :(

wendywoopywoo222 · 23/11/2020 16:00

Do a reverse image search on the internet if you have a picture as lots of scammers use just this tactic. Then they don't turn up on the day as they are caught at airport/ hospital etc etc and need xx amounts of pounds to get to hers. I hope he's genuine but how can you be together when you haven't met.

Neptuneia · 23/11/2020 16:06

She's got him on FB. I can't see much on his profile, can just see a few photos, other people have left comments etc. It would be a bit weird if I tried to add him. He definitely does work overseas, they video call while he's at his place of work, without giving too much info it would be obvious that he is where he says he is. He's divorced although apparently his ex wife is difficult (seems narcissistic from what friend has told me) and tried to cause trouble with the last woman he was seeing so they're keeping things quiet. But as my other friend says she's only got his side of the story about the ex wife, you just don't know.

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Regularsizedrudy · 23/11/2020 16:12

Oh god! So many red flags, she practically taking a tour of the red flag factory! He will either phone on the day saying x/y/z has happened and he needs money or he will turn up and move himself in. The fast pace and gifts is classic lovebombing.

Nikhedonia · 23/11/2020 17:18

He's divorced although apparently his ex wife is difficult (seems narcissistic from what friend has told me) and tried to cause trouble with the last woman he was seeing so they're keeping things quiet.

Of course the ex-wife is HmmHmmHmm

This is a playbook approach.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 23/11/2020 17:32

So nobody can warn her I imagine...
As soon as lockdown is eased you need to get round there op!!
Let him see she has support and isn't as gullible/stupid as he would like..

BlueThistles · 23/11/2020 17:35

have you heard from her OP 🌺

Neptuneia · 23/11/2020 18:21

She said it's going well. And he bought her more gifts. Quite expensive ones too. I've never had a man buy me presents before at the start of things so can't relate to that. I'd feel really awkward. Maybe he's just got plenty money to spend. But I'd feel weird about it and certainly wouldn't introduce a new man to my DC so soon, regardless of how we met.

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Nikhedonia · 23/11/2020 18:22

Has she introduced him to her DC then? Sad

Aquamarine1029 · 23/11/2020 18:26

Your friend is absolutely devoid of any common sense or good judgment. Her poor child.

Neptuneia · 23/11/2020 18:26

I'm assuming that was on the cards. Wondering if he's going to be spending the night.

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Nikhedonia · 23/11/2020 18:31

Bloody hell, staying the night Shock how old are the children?