Accept Christmas daytime alone, or tell him it's not okay?

[chickenshedinthesky]

For the first time ever, my bloke and I will be having Christmas day at home rather than visiting family.

On a normal Christmas day, we'd alternate between his parents and extended family one year, and mine the next, getting to their houses at around 11am.

On most other days of the year, he sleeps until late afternoon/early evening (he's just getting up now, actually). Because we're going to be at home, I suspect he will stick to his usual routine, which means I will be by myself until he decides to get up.

We don't have kids, so I suppose there's no real reason for him to get up any earlier than usual. But it would be nice to actually spend some time with him during the day, and I don't really feel like being on my own when we would normally be with family.

Wtf is up with him, that he sleeps until 6 pm?

Does he work shifts?

Why does he sleep all day?
Does he work nights or is he just a lazy arsehole?
Is he up all night playing video games or doing drugs?
What do you get out of basically half a day?

It's a lethal combination of depression, too much alcohol and infrequent late night work (maybe a couple of days a month), so it's become his routine.

He gets up this late every day? Why? Does he work nights or is he just ridiculously lazy?

No it’s not acceptable and I would be asking Santa for a new bloke for Christmas.

No it’s not ok is it? You’re meant to be a couple so surely you would spend Christmas Day together. Have you discussed with him how you would both like to spend the day?

I’m sorry @chickenshedinthesky but personally I couldn’t be in a “relationship” like this.

Sorry OP, that's not a relationship. He's just a dysfunctional ship you pass in the night who happens to share your house.

The causes are not OK, never mind the result.

chicken
you are not obliged to suffer for someone else's depression - I'm going to make a massive assumption - your DP has refused to seek any help for his depression ?

Now is the time to start a conversation -

1. he gets up at a reasonable time every day of the week - unless he's been on nights
2. he seeks help for his depression and his drinking
3. at very very minimum he gets up, dressed and ready for a walk by 10am on Christmas day and spends the rest of the day awake with you

If he can't / wont I would seriously suggest you consider if your relationship can continue - this is no way to live for either of you

I haven't brought it up with him yet.

Between our families, we've only just made the final decision that, even if restrictions were relaxed, we wouldn't be spending Christmas day together. Then today, I was considering what the day will actually be like, when it occurred to me that he may well decide to just keep to his normal routine.

Yes, it's a shit situation. I'm very aware that it's a poor excuse for a relationship, but not much is likely to change between now and Christmas.

He sounds like a waste of space, I'd sooner live by myself.

This is never OK on any day.

There's lots he can do between now and Christmas - that 6 weeks away.

he can make an appointment with the GP

he can start drinking less

he can start going to bed earlier, when not working

he can start getting up earlier

Starting on any one of these should be a minimum. If he's not up for any, then you can use the time to think through your options and making plans for your life

Why don't you take the decision to go to your family by yourself for the day? If he's not getting up until 6, he won't even notice you've gone, then you could come home in time to spend the evening with him.

Sorry - that's sounds very bossy.
Sometimes you have have to take life by the horns and give things a good shake

I’d make a plan to get him out. That’s an awful way to treat you.

I'd sit down now and tell him you'd like to talk about Christmas day and how you both would like to celebrate.
Could you muster up some enthusiasm from him if you set out a plan - naice breakfast, countryside walk, movie afternoon, for example?
He may be more up for the day if he has things to motivate him and he knows how much the day means to you.

I'd be looking for a plan long-term though too.

If work is commutable from your parents and there's room for you to stay there short te, you could leave him now, spend Xmas with your family and look for a new place Jan

That sounds incredibly depressing for you to live with, OP. I'm glad you're not going to spend Christmas Day with him and I hope you find a way to have a better life without him soon.

I’m puzzled as to why you think Christmas Day is the problem.

Honestly, get rid. Life’s too short

Is he up into the early hours then?

Don't apologise, @DPotter, I know what you're saying makes sense.

I also know that it doesn't matter what I tell him- he will only do those things if HE decides to. He won't do anything if I tell him to, and can dig his heels in out of pure stubbornness, even if he knows it makes sense.

I think I've reached the point where I know that it's impossible to expect him to change or improve things, so I can only really control what I do and how I react to it.

The longer term plan is to end things, but that will mean a period of time living together while we sell the house. He can't afford to stay here on his own, I can't afford to buy him out.

@Galvia, my parents are a few hours away, and probably wouldn't want me to just turn up unless my siblings were there too with my lovely nieces and nephews.

shut the door behind you, you don't live here anymore. why wait ?