Accept Christmas daytime alone, or tell him it's not okay?

[chickenshedinthesky]

For the first time ever, my bloke and I will be having Christmas day at home rather than visiting family.

On a normal Christmas day, we'd alternate between his parents and extended family one year, and mine the next, getting to their houses at around 11am.

On most other days of the year, he sleeps until late afternoon/early evening (he's just getting up now, actually). Because we're going to be at home, I suspect he will stick to his usual routine, which means I will be by myself until he decides to get up.

We don't have kids, so I suppose there's no real reason for him to get up any earlier than usual. But it would be nice to actually spend some time with him during the day, and I don't really feel like being on my own when we would normally be with family.

I'm sorry you have to live like this OP.

Most posters here including me will struggle to get past the fact that your partner gets up so late- so your question about Christmas is getting rather lost.

It sounds like a really tricky way to live.

If there is anything at all that you could do to make your own Christmas Day more bearable, (including actually forgetting Christmas altogether), you should do it.

If you post on the relationship board you will get some great help and support with coping with the situation that you are in, and then when or if you are ready to move on you will get some amazing help with that too.

@romeolovedjulliet, we jointly own the house, so I can't kick him out.

Thank you, Chaotic. I suppose the circumstances are unusual and most people wouldn't even be considering the options. From his point of view, he spends 95% of his days like this, so why would Christmas day be any different.

Ok @chickenshedinthesky

Buy all your (not his) favourite Christmas food. Save up some top films/tv shows

Relish the fact you’re doing exactly what you want to for Christmas Day/ no obligations!

Go for a walk/run if you fancy. Maybe order a meal in?

Detach from him. Don’t buy him a gift, buy yourself something you’ve had your eye on.

And take legal advice on what to do long term. This time next year you could be looking forward to a lovely happy Christmas

@chickenshedinthesky

Don't apologise, *@DPotter*, I know what you're saying makes sense.

I also know that it doesn't matter what I tell him- he will only do those things if HE decides to. He won't do anything if I tell him to, and can dig his heels in out of pure stubbornness, even if he knows it makes sense.

I think I've reached the point where I know that it's impossible to expect him to change or improve things, so I can only really control what I do and how I react to it.

The longer term plan is to end things, but that will mean a period of time living together while we sell the house. He can't afford to stay here on his own, I can't afford to buy him out.

@Galvia, my parents are a few hours away, and probably wouldn't want me to just turn up unless my siblings were there too with my lovely nieces and nephews.

Please speak to your parents. I’m sure if they knew you’d basically be on your own all day while your partner slept then they would want you to spend the day with them and not say no ne abuse no one else could be there.

Put the wheels in motion now to get the house on the market.

Have you ever discussed it with him? Do you want your relationship to improve?

@2GinOrNot2Gin, yes. We’ve talked about it and I’ve told him how lonely it is, and how I wish we could spend time together during the day. He knows it’s been harder than usual because I had to shield and have to work from home during this lockdown, but apart from maybe two or three days this year when he’s got up at 2pm-ish, there’s been no other change.

If you can spend the day happily with your family, that sounds a much nicer option. Otherwise you’ll be on your own for what, 10 hours?
It sounds a very lonely situation to be in.

My ex had depression, probably still does. I left his for abuse, but the depression played a part as well, as he never did anything that benefited us as a couple, only things that benefited him.

Best decision I ever made. I feel less lonely, even though I live with just the DC.

OP, I don't think you have a real relationship, and I'd make plans to leave. Depression or not, he's fine with his routine, and I reckon isn't bothered about whether you're alone or not while he's in bed.

He can't afford to stay here on his own

But that is NOT your problem!

Go to a sibling or your parents, anywhere where there is joy to be had at minimal risk to yourself. Sadly he will probably still be there when you go back.

You should go to your parents on Christmas Eve and stay with them for a few days if that's a possibility.

Let him fester in his pit all day till 6pm, what a waste of space.

I feel for you OP and I have been there too. I did leave my ex for similar reasons and mostly due to the fact that our lives ran the way he wanted or dictated and that was that. I left 3 days before Xmas as I reached breaking point. The house had to be sold, I got pneumonia and Christmas was horrific tbh, but it was the best thing that could have happened for me. Looking back I missed lots of things that I didn’t even know was happening at the time, and it was definitely the right thing to do but it was bloody hard. Take care and do what you want and need for you- not just for Xmas but for life x

Until you decide to leave him this is your life.

If you are not leaving him this year, make your Christmas what you want.

Can you go to your parents the day before to stay Christmas ? Ie give up on him? What do you mean by they won’t want you to turn up unless your sibling is coming?

I think you either have to decide to go elsewhere for Christmas or you have to decide that you are having Christmas alone.

You can't decide you are having Christmas with him because he's not going to get out of bed. It's not an option.

Christmas by yourself can be nice. Eat want you want and watch what you want.

Whatever you do, don't plan a Christmas for someone else and put yourself out as your expectations are not going to be met,

If you've discussed it with him and he's not changing there's no more you can do. I had a similar time with my husband where his depression became too much to deal with, he refused to accept or change it. I was having bereavement counselling at the time and my counsellor told me that when a person is drowning you can try and help but if they want to drown there is nothing you can do to help, and the more you try the more likely you'll be to drown with them.. sometimes you just have to save yourself!
That was a turning point for me, I got the house valued and went to put it on the market.. when I asked him to sign the paper work he broke down and promised to get help, he did and we managed to rebuild our relationship. Sometimes people who are stuck in a rut need a real wake up call to get them to help themselves.. if you're not happy and he won't change make plans to leave.. he'll either step up and do what it takes to not loose you.. or he'll watch you walk away. If he does the latter then you can be confident you've done the right thing.. you deserve more!

Never mind Christmas Day - any single day of the year is not worth living like this. You get one life - I wouldn’t spend one more day like this.

Ultimately Christmas is one day - you should think about what kind of relationship you deserve but honestly being alone would be better than this.

Thank you for the responses, everyone. I’m sorry for those people who have had similar experiences. It helps to know you’re happier now, though.