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Original poster

Anyone have a pre-teen with really poor personal hygiene

32 replies

TravellingSpoon · 22/11/2020 13:06

Or can share any tips before a reach the end of my tether.

DD is 12 and although DS1 went through a phase of it, I think DD is taking it to an extreme.

She hates washing, will go for as long as she can without a bath/shower and washing her hair. We have finally agreed on 2 showers/baths a week, but even that is a battle. If I am at work she wont have one, and if I am at home she will cry and have a tantrum about it. She says she hates being in the water and doesn't like washing her hair at all. She doesn't brush it on days when I am not here and it causes her so much stress. She had to have it cut shorter a few months ago because it was so long and knotty because she refused to maintain it.

She lies about things like changing her underwear, says she has done it when I know she hasnt, ditto teeth cleaning. She doesnt wear deodorant, says she 'forgets'. I have only just managed to get her to consistently wipe after going to the toilet. She often doesnt wash her face and gets uset when I remind her.

It makes her sound awful and lazy but she isnt, she is bright and sweet and caring. She is doing well at school and has lots of friends, but her personal hygiene is beyond dire, and I am terrified of her getting to the point where she is labelled as a kid who doesnt wash because she smells.

I have tried explaining it to her, incentivising, taking stuff away, buying nice bath products, supporting her to shower so she is only in there 3 minutes max, but she is still sobbing when she is in there and I feel awful.

I told her at lunchtime she needed to have a shower tonight as the last one she had was on wednesday and again, she is upstairs sobbing and crying, saying I have ruined her day. I asked if she wanted to get in now so she could enjoy the rest of her afternoon but she just slammed the door and told me to go away.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 22/11/2020 14:31

I don't want to alarm you, but ask her if she is keeping herself dirty on purpose. Sometimes girls do it to fend off unwanted attention.

1940s · 22/11/2020 14:36

I don't think this is normal behaviour and twice a week isn't good for a pubescent sweaty teen. I'd treat this like any other 'bad behaviour' and it's a non negotiable. I'd say if she isn't having a full shower every day with teeth brushed and hair brushed (washed every other day if that's better) then I'd say she needs to have a chat with the GP. I can't believe she wasn't wiping her bum properly. I'd say no screens etc no rewards until she's showered

Diverseduvet · 22/11/2020 14:38

This sounds like self neglect and I would seek further advice

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Madbengalmum · 22/11/2020 14:39

My step daughter was the same at this age. She would come to us with greasy unbrushed hair and black nails, i used to have to really persuade her to clean her hands and nails with a nail brush. I got very concerned about it and like you couldn’t understand it. Then like magic in a couple of years she did a complete u turn and was happy to wash etc. I would say it is a phase she will grow out of. Your post could have been from me a few years ago. She is now 18 and rolls her eyes at her 12/13 yr old selfs lack of hygiene!

Thelnebriati · 22/11/2020 14:42

I'd say don't punish her until you have established there isn't a sinister reason. You could be punishing a child who is already struggling to cope and needs help.

HollowTalk · 22/11/2020 14:43

Has she always had sensory problems?

treesliding · 22/11/2020 14:43

The soap dodging and laziness in general doesn't seem odd but the sobbing and crying in the shower seems odd to me.

What is it that upsets her so much? Is she cold? Does she feel unsafe in bathroom? Is there a lock? Does she find the bathroom dirty? Is it a sensory issue?

Whatwouldscullydo · 22/11/2020 14:44

I don't want to alarm you, but ask her if she is keeping herself dirty on purpose. Sometimes girls do it to fend off unwanted attention

This was my first thought.

Not sure how to suggest you can make her realise its not her thats the problem Sad

reefedsail · 22/11/2020 14:45

Will she bath rather than shower? Showering is a bit of a sensory assault for some people?

Did you bath her every day as a baby/ toddler/ small child? If so, presumably she is more desensitised to that.

RitaEllen · 22/11/2020 14:47

It could be like a sensory thing. I had a family member who was like this, they couldn’t abide the sensation of water, it made them panic and feel anxious. It was a nightmare trying to get them out of one set of clothes and into another as they didn’t like the feel. They were diagnosed with ASD as an adult. Not saying your daughter has ASD, just saying there is probably a reason and to help her you need to get to the route of the issue. Does she have any anxiety at all?

Madbengalmum · 22/11/2020 14:53

Travelling, have pm’d.

blissfulllife · 22/11/2020 15:00

That screams sensory issues x

spidermomma · 22/11/2020 15:05

Op this doesn't sound normal at alL

I had a girl of a similar age come to the salon were I worked with her hair so matted and she was in such a state hygiene wise and her dad said she came to his like this, he didn't know what to do and he was a broken man really and asked could we help, wouldn't ever say no as it was an awful situation but we had to wear full PPE (hounds, gloves and masks) and 2 of us to brush one girls hair it was so bad, turned out her mum was abusing her NOT saying this is the case for you but could be more to it why she won't do these things. Maybe something at school, bullying ?
She said she really enjoyed coming to visit us and she really did open up to us as we was chatting away and on about how important it is to be clean etc and she comes regularly with her dad and she loves it. I don't work their no longer but as far as I'm aware she still attends and is now at college , sure I should of been more then a salon therapist with some of the things You do! lol
But on a serious note I Hope she's okay xx

ShinyGreenElephant · 22/11/2020 15:10

I was going to say yes as DSD10 refuses to wash / clean teeth / wipe properly after the toilet and its a constant battle, but the sobbing and crying seems very extreme, I've never come across that before and I teach Y6 (some of whom esp boys can be very smelly!!) How long has this been going on for?

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 22/11/2020 15:12

I have two soap dodgers (12 and 14). The eldest now understands it is non-negotiable bath every day, hair wash every other day. The paddies have stopped now with him! My daughter still tries it on, I ignore and she gets electronics taken away if she doesn't bath daily and wash her hair every other day. She is better if I let her choose what time she will have a bath and get her to agree to it. But she still shouts and can have a paddy about it. They both have additional needs but that's no excuse to stink!

Original poster
TravellingSpoon · 22/11/2020 15:14

@HollowTalk

Has she always had sensory problems?
Yes, she has real problems with loud noise and bright lights.
OP posts:
Original poster
TravellingSpoon · 22/11/2020 15:16

@Thelnebriati

I don't want to alarm you, but ask her if she is keeping herself dirty on purpose. Sometimes girls do it to fend off unwanted attention.
This did cross my mind and its a worry, but its been going on for so long now, and I just cant think anywhere that she could get unwanted attention from.
OP posts:
converseandjeans · 22/11/2020 15:19

Yes DD has been like this since end of May - it coincided with the initial coming out of the proper lockdown. She is generally very low and lacking in confidence & it's an ongoing battle getting her in the shower.

I suspect some sort of control issue is going on - like it's an aspect of her life she can control unlike everything else which is chaos - even us grown ups have no clue.

My DD hardly comes out of her room at all. It's really sad to see how she has been affected by lockdown. She's 12 almost 13.

Original poster
TravellingSpoon · 22/11/2020 15:23

Its been going on for about 3 years. At first I thought it could be an organisational thing because she is so unorganised, that some of it was that, but as she has got older its not got better, and the expectations on a 9 year old and a 12 year old are different, and she is different (hair and skin is greasy whereas it wasnt when she was 9).

She cries because she doesnt like the feel of water on her hair (although she loves swimming). I have tried loads of different things, none of it works. We have 2 bathrooms, and have recently moved house from another that had 3 different bathrooms she could use, none made any improvement.

I don't think she is being bullied, she seems happy in a new school with new friends. Her Dad and I are separated and have been for just over a year and she doesnt see him as much as I think she would like, but the problem pre-dates that.

OP posts:
Fittata · 22/11/2020 15:32

Does she have any additional needs? I only ask because my friend's son is exactly like this and he has recently been assessed autistic. He is very bright, behaves really well at school but has some problems socialising and a lot of sensory issues. They think he masks a lot of the typical behaviour, as so many girls.

ShitXmasCracker · 22/11/2020 15:36

My DS was like this, and he has high functioning autism and sensory issues. He is also a lazy gir! 😆

He’s 16 now and still hates the shower and teeth brushing, but does it begrudgingly now (still have to remind him!).

Ages 11-14 were rough, as he would refuse to change undies/clothes or bathe more than once a week. I kept on going with gently insisting and explaining why hygiene was important, driving us both up the wall at times, but eventually he got it.

Has your DD started puberty/her period yet? Have you had a chat about it?

If she has sensory issues it might be worth exploring ways to make washing less painful for her. DS listens to music or the radio while he has a wash, and he likes the lights low in the bathroom unless he’s shaving. It seems to help him adjust to the shock of water on his skin.

ShitXmasCracker · 22/11/2020 15:36

lazy git

Mycircusmymonkey · 22/11/2020 15:41

Does she prefer baths? Would she compromise with a sink and flannel wash in between showers?
What’s the flow like on your shower? If it’s low pressure and bit light she might find this feels horrible on her skin and might prefer the impact of a power shower. You try different sponges or wash clothes as maybe rubbing her skin clean in the shower with a texture she like might override her dislike of the shower.
If she has sensory issues it might be worth doing some activities to help her feel calm before hand and after such as deep pressure touch.
I’d stick a showering schedule so she knows it’s always a certain day at a certain time rather than telling she will need one because it’s been a few days.

EmeraldShamrock · 22/11/2020 15:43

Yes it is a nightmare.
She is nearly 12 on the spectrum hides period underwear refuses to wash, her skin is awful full of spots, her hair grease no pride or want to be fresh.
I force her to bath every few days I need to supervise or she won't wash, lies about teeth brushing has lovely clothes but wears the same two black shorts.
A poster made a comment to say "You're real DC are nothing like the ones you imagined"
ATT she smells of onions I've the hot water on.
No advice but you're not alone.

TheAnon1 · 22/11/2020 15:47

I could have written this except the bit about sobbing in the shower. Mine is the same and I thought we had cracked the deodorant thing by having one downstairs for a quick squirt in case of "forgetting" but turns out she has been doing it OVER her clothes. I have to nag about everything which isn't easy due to other caring responsibilities.

Weirdest thing is that she looks lovely sometimes - spends time at weekend on makeup, does hair beautifully etc.

I don't think it's that unusual though. I collected her friends and one of them absolutely stank of unwashed body.

One suggestion is to encourage baths with the favourite TV show on a tablet nearby.