Anyone have a pre-teen with really poor personal hygiene

[TravellingSpoon]

Or can share any tips before a reach the end of my tether.

DD is 12 and although DS1 went through a phase of it, I think DD is taking it to an extreme.

She hates washing, will go for as long as she can without a bath/shower and washing her hair. We have finally agreed on 2 showers/baths a week, but even that is a battle. If I am at work she wont have one, and if I am at home she will cry and have a tantrum about it. She says she hates being in the water and doesn't like washing her hair at all. She doesn't brush it on days when I am not here and it causes her so much stress. She had to have it cut shorter a few months ago because it was so long and knotty because she refused to maintain it.

She lies about things like changing her underwear, says she has done it when I know she hasnt, ditto teeth cleaning. She doesnt wear deodorant, says she 'forgets'. I have only just managed to get her to consistently wipe after going to the toilet. She often doesnt wash her face and gets uset when I remind her.

It makes her sound awful and lazy but she isnt, she is bright and sweet and caring. She is doing well at school and has lots of friends, but her personal hygiene is beyond dire, and I am terrified of her getting to the point where she is labelled as a kid who doesnt wash because she smells.

I have tried explaining it to her, incentivising, taking stuff away, buying nice bath products, supporting her to shower so she is only in there 3 minutes max, but she is still sobbing when she is in there and I feel awful.

I told her at lunchtime she needed to have a shower tonight as the last one she had was on wednesday and again, she is upstairs sobbing and crying, saying I have ruined her day. I asked if she wanted to get in now so she could enjoy the rest of her afternoon but she just slammed the door and told me to go away.

When she washes her hair, is it in the shower? If so can you help her wash it over the sink, she may not like the sensation of water over her face.

Yep, DS who is 12 but he has Aspergers so I've always assumed it to be that. He has to argue about doing his teeth (the toothpaste is too hot apparently), having a shower ("but I had one 3 days ago") brushing his hair and don't even get me started on cutting his nails. I've had him kick me right in the face over the toe nails as he gets so irate and kicks his legs to stop me.
He won't have baths any more but he used to think he would get hurt if he had a shower, would scream if I rinsed his hair with it.
I'm of the opinion that he will eventually get over it but bribery seems to work for now.

Yes, but in the case of my DD11 it is down to pure cant be arsed behaviour. If I tell her to shower she will, but every day I have to remind her to brush her teeth and watched to ensure underwear is being changed.

She is in full swing BO mode but just doesnt care. It's frustrating as without sounding too "mum" like, she really is a beautiful girl. When her hair is washed and brushed it's a gorgeous gold colour, she's tall and has such lovely bright blue eyes.

She started developing early, went through puberty at age 9 so already has large breasts and periods and I do wonder if its partially because she hates having gone through it early and being potentially "attractive" to others.

We have a similar thing, for us I think it is a mixture of wanting more control/rebelling and tiredness at the end of the day.
In dd's case she doesn't really care about hygiene, she accepts herself wholly as she is, and doesn't seem to mind.

I managed to turn things around by doing big bubble baths, with candles (away from her and safe) and music and make it a spa night. It has worked, we put some lavender oil in the bath for relaxation and with her. With her modesty protected, I also wash her hair as a treat and deep condition it at the same time.

I do this often, to ensure she is properly bathing. I stand by and ensure she puts on sure deo every day, I do the same for teeth brushing. I don't feel I should have to do at this age, but needs must.

I also remind her and watch her cleanse her face every evening, and ditto for vitamins.

I don't know why this is happening now, or if it is just a stage but it worries me too.

Bless her, the poor pickle. How tough for you both.

Mine are soap dodgers (need to be reminded to shower and grizzle, slack with the deo and are pretty spotty due to lack of face wash) but do everything when nagged with limited persuasion which consists of dh telling them they stink and me asking to squeeze their spots.

However, I think their level of rubbishness is standard pre teen slackness hence the not particularly gentle encouragement we give. Your poor dd sounds really distressed and 3 years is quite a long time for this level of pain. May be worth flagging with someone (pastoral support at school?) for some further advice?

Sounds worth looking up Sensory Processing Disorder. It can often accompany ASD or Dyspraxia just incase she has any other traits of those conditions.

DS1 is approaching 10 so fortunately the hormones haven't kicked in yet, but it is hard to constantly keep on top of his personal hygiene. Toothbrushing is a constant flashpoint. He had an hour's meltdown over toothbrushing that caused us to turn up to DS2's birthday party over 45 mins late missing most of the main activity having sent DS2 and DH ahead.

My two are both particular over shower pressure and noise from the pump.

Middle child is a soap dodger with sensory issues. We have had success through more talk of how good he feels when he is clean. Shower on a low rate helps. At one time baths with toys to distract helped. Chew toothbrushes helped.

At 12 you can play the game a bit more of they MUST wash and she must be clean. Either she chooses how it is done or you choose for her. For my son at 11 we made the shift to telling him to work out how to make it OK for himself and we'd buy whatever products he wanted to try, while we gave no advice unless asked. If he got smelly we would tell him to be clean by teatime or dad would put him into the bath. On weekends they all have to be showered before lunch is served. He needed the control to be in his hands, maybe your DD is the same, you can use it to your advantage.