DS (11) and porn

[namechangenotatroll]

I can't believe I'm posting this. Honestly not a troll. Was here for the moldies, Pom bears Christmas caterpillar etc. That might be too vintage for some of you

Anyway, DS (11) started secondary in September. He has adhd. It's been a fucking shambles to be honest but it's not relevant here.

I checked his google history a few months ago and found he had been searching for porn. Mostly cartoon but a couple not although he claims to have clicked on them by accident.

I spoke to him. Explained how it's not real, is illegal etc. He did it again. It was like a compulsion with how often he viewed it.

I figured out how to lock it out of his phone. Just checked tonight and he's still trying to view it. Also found my vibrators missing from my bedroom drawer and him locked in the bathroom tonight. Explained that he needed to
Return anything he had stolen to my room immediately and they're back in my drawers now.

I don't know what to do. He lies. He steals. He gets excluded every other week for the stupidest little things. And now I'm really worried that he's some kind of deviant.

I can't believe I'm even posting about this but does anyone know how I can help him? Please.

Should also add that he's googled how to Jill himself and he is on a waiting list to see a counsellor and youth worker at school.

God I have no advice for you @namechangenotatroll I’m sorry. I’m a mum of two 11 year olds, I really don’t know how I would cope with this.

Sorry that’s not helpful.

Anyway, this should bump for someone who can help

Thank you. I've no idea what to do. He's been a different child since about a month into secondary. I don't know him.

I don't know what it means to 'Jill' yourself.

It does sound pretty frightening, op. Being curious about sex is normal at any age but he is young to be actually thinking of doing things.

Throw your vibrators away! You don't need them and it's horrible that he even knows you had them. Goodness only knows what he is doing with them, he could damage himself.

Jill meant kill but autocorrect decided to get involved.

Oh poor kid. 11 is so young to feel that desperate.

"...he is on a waiting list to see a counsellor and youth worker at school."

I think he needs more than that. Speak to your GP and CAHMS, please.

We've been trying to see CAMHS since he was 2. They've bounced every request.

I'm going to speak to the GP on Monday and see what they suggest.

Thank you.

You poor thing. He's not a deviant - all kids start being curious about sex as they reach puberty, but some don't have the boundaries or personal behavioural skills to deal with it in a way most of us would consider appropriate. He needs lots of understanding and support, rather than punishment. Is his Dad around, or does he have someone male to talk to about boys' stuff?

As PPs have said - you must push for better support for his MH. His school should be 100% there and engaging the right agencies if he's talking about suicide - teenage years and hormones are a minefield and now is not the time to be sweeping things under the carpet. Definitely speak to your GP and don't let things drop.

Maybe see if there are any support groups in your area? Our local council has a parent carer support dept, and there are other parent groups in the community. ADHD often occurs alongside autism - your DS may not be on the spectrum but you could probably get loads of help from the NAS or a local group, who will have been through the same sort of experiences. Good luck .

Thank you.

I'm convinced he's on the spectrum but it took so long to get the adhd diagnosis he had learned how to act social and mask the autistic traits. I begged from when he was 2 until he turned 7 for help.

I'm going to speak to school on Monday about more support. If I tell them the porn stuff will they be horrified?

His dad is going to talk to him tomorrow. Again. Nothing seems to sink in with him at all.

@jessstan1 OP can decide whether she wants sex toys, they’re hers. The problem isn’t owning sex toys which is completely fine, it’s that her son would take such an intimate object.

I agree that this seems to be spiraling out of control. Every element of this is about boundaries and consent: he is unable to work within that, and that’s very worrying. ADHD is challenging, but that diagnosis won’t keep him out of trouble when this escalates, not will it protect others. I think this is an urgent CAHMS referral, but I’m sure wait lists are massive. Is private therapy an option? A clinician will be able to determine the underlying issues behind this (stealing time prevent you pleasure, issues around women and self satisfaction, stealing for personal use, theft and possessiveness and so on)

In the meantime, enforce boundaries: locking your door, asserting your privacy, removing his access to internet unless supervised. But also rewarding adherence to boundaries and when he understands consent, even when it’s small things like asking before he hugs you etc. Reward him in healthy ways like affirmations, not tech access or food, given his issue is control.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Replace the phone with something that isn't internet capable or ensure it is fully locked down from him viewing anything inappropriate.

You need to have another chat about what is ok and not ok to do on the internet and with other people's belongings. It's quite normal to be interested in sex at that age, but he needs to know that it is for adults and only adults can watch these things. Have a chat to the school too as to his behaviour and attitude to see if he's maybe just got in with a bad crowd. Maybe they can keep an eye for inappropriate things being shared via phones etc.

Sorry, I know this must be really difficult.

There is a huge overlap with autistic traits and those of ADHD - my DS has both and I often don't know which condition has resulted in x behaviour. A lot of experts now believe that the autism umbrella covers all sub-diagnoses such as OCD, ODD, PDA, ADHD and even tourettes, dyslexia, dyspraxia etc. Labels aren't always helpful but they are essential to get the help you need.

Fixated behaviour, lack of understanding of consequences, defensiveness when challenged - these are all classic symptoms of 'spectrum' children in my (unqualified) experience. I really think you might find it helpful to ring the NAS helpline and you can chat through things - but also google your local authority website and see what support they offer for 'disabilities'. That might sound an OTT word but severe ADHD is a disability, and from what you've said about his school experience it is having a significant impact on his day to day life.

You can get medication for ADHD. I expect you've discussed that with your GP or paediatrician - but it might be something to reconsider now hormones etc are kicking in?

This sounds so hard OP. School won’t be horrified, they will have seen it all before. If he is googling suicide methods ie making plans that is a significant risk factor and they REALLY should expedite the counsellor. Your GP should also help get things moving. I would look at going private if you could possibly manage it in these circumstances - he really needs some help urgently.

@namechangenotatroll if you haven't, I have the Family Link app which lets me control time on phones plus google options and stuff like that.

I've no advise unfortunately other than pushing for help and considering going private to get past the waiting lists. I do have a question though, is it now normal for an eleven year old to have a smart phone? Or any kind of phone capable of accessing the internet? I hope things improve and your son gets the help he needs.

Take his phone and screens away and fill his time with other things? Lock your private things away if you can’t trust him to respect your privacy. Explain to him how revolting porn is and tell him not to watch it or condone it in any way.

Thank you all.

He is medicated during school hours but I think the dose is wearing off quicker now hormones are kicking in. Waiting for school to fill in some forms so we can up the amount.

The control thing is interesting. He had an amazing start to secondary then a month in had a rough week and was suspended for 2 days. Since then it's been awful so maybe it is all linked. He couldn't control the school excluding him (in his head anyway) but he can control xyz. I don't think it's an anti women thing. May be naive but his best friends are all girls and always have been.

Exclusion was linked to his adhd but when I questioned this I was told he must be treated like a neurotypical child. I argued this. May have quoted the DDA at them. Found out he wasn't getting any support. Put in a complaint. He's now getting extra help so I'm wary of pushing this further and being that parent.

I contacted school as after the exclusion he changed completely and started threatening to hand himself. I was told that lots of year 7s threaten to kill them selves. The school do seem to be taking it a bit more seriously now though.

I'm just exhausted. Primary school had no problems. This is just constant battles and phone calls. I've booked a GP call for Wednesday to see what they say

Trust me we've been over the porn thing. I've explained about trafficking, consent, reality and that he's too young to be viewing it.

His phone is now barred from explicit content and he can only use it in the living room.

I've moved my things and spoken to him about respecting people's privacy and property.

I've explained that if he wants to discuss anything but is embarrassed then he can write it down and I'll write back etc.

Have emphasised that I want to see more of the him I know he can be rather than the behaviours he is showing.

I think most 11 year olds do have smart phones. He does a lot of school work on his currently, homework is all sent to it, photographing work in books to upload to the system.

It's currently hard to fill his time with much else. Nowhere is open. He can't go to grandparents for a break. He draws and enjoys that but needs 1:1 to keep on track. I've 2 other children and a business to run. All of which is slipping whilst I try and help him but yes he's had too much time on screens lately, I'm just trying to get through this.

Sorry, I wasn’t clear on my comment about attitudes toward women. Pornography may be quite cognitively upsetting for him, given his close female friends and his closeness to you. If suddenly he’s exposed to women in a very different context, depending on what he saw, perhaps in a degrading way, he may seek to categorize women (a bit like Madonna/Whore stuff at a basic level). So, when he finds his mum doesn’t nearly fall into one category (as no one does), he might seek to enforce that strict categorization, especially given his ADHD/possible autism. This would be a form of taking control.

I’m a governor at an International British School. There is a huge difference between ‘those’ parents, and parents with genuine grievances: I personally would be very interested to know if a student wasn’t being given the appropriate resources to thrive. Don’t be afraid to advocate for your son: teaching staff come and go, but your son’s development will be critical forever. I can’t imagine how exhausted you must be, I hope the GP proves helpful

OP it sounds like you're handling a very difficult situation brilliantly. He's lucky to have a parent like you. Best of luck and take care of yourself too.

@Fuckitsstillraining I'm 25 and I had a smart phone from about 14 when they became a semi affordable thing, my friend had an iPod touch at the same age and another (spoilt) peer had the first iPhone when it came out. I don't really expect to give my toddler DD a brick phone just a hand me down but will have to add controls at first and do a lot of Education (I learned to get around the parental controls and I expect her too as well)

If you can afford it a rowing machine can be very helpful. Both physically tiring and quite soothing. I’d focus on sleep, food and exercise and I’d walk him through his school work so he is doing well academically.

OP it sounds like you’re handling things really well. Bringing up genuine, serious problems that need addressing with the school absolutely doesn’t make you “that parent” and you shouldn’t let fear of being seen that way stop you from advocating for your son. I’m not sure the school alone can fix this though - you might have to push the GP as well, and CAMHS.

It is so shit that we have to work so hard to get our kids the help they so clearly need.

I'm thinking of adding him onto my gym membership when it opens back up. Last time I tried though it was a bit of a nightmare as he had no concept of space and was bored after 10 mins.

Food is the other issue. His medication suppresses his appetite. He's on the 4th percentile weight wise. If he doesn't have medication his school work suffers though.

He walks 1.5 miles to and from school. He eats a healthy dinner every night even if it's a small portion. We limit aspartame because that's a behaviour trigger and we do try and keep on top of homework as much as possible.

Thank you for all the lovely messages. You've made me cry but in a good way.