DS (11) and porn

[namechangenotatroll]

I can't believe I'm posting this. Honestly not a troll. Was here for the moldies, Pom bears Christmas caterpillar etc. That might be too vintage for some of you

Anyway, DS (11) started secondary in September. He has adhd. It's been a fucking shambles to be honest but it's not relevant here.

I checked his google history a few months ago and found he had been searching for porn. Mostly cartoon but a couple not although he claims to have clicked on them by accident.

I spoke to him. Explained how it's not real, is illegal etc. He did it again. It was like a compulsion with how often he viewed it.

I figured out how to lock it out of his phone. Just checked tonight and he's still trying to view it. Also found my vibrators missing from my bedroom drawer and him locked in the bathroom tonight. Explained that he needed to
Return anything he had stolen to my room immediately and they're back in my drawers now.

I don't know what to do. He lies. He steals. He gets excluded every other week for the stupidest little things. And now I'm really worried that he's some kind of deviant.

I can't believe I'm even posting about this but does anyone know how I can help him? Please.

As pp have said it isn't an unusual time for dc, boys in particular to start having an interest in sex and porn.
It doesn't make him a deviant in any way.
However kids with ADHD can struggle with emotional regulation and can develop intense focus on some activities/interests.
Obviously porn isn't what you want him focusing on.
The conversations that you have been having around interest in sex being normal but porn not being ok and particularly not at as age sound good.
Getting the balance between not shamming him and giving him clear information and boundaries is hard but that doesn't mean you are doing a bad job.

It isn't unusual for dc with ADHD to have anxiety as a co-diagnosis (this can lead to self harm and suicidal ideation)
Your DH does need help for this from a therapist either CAMHS or private.

The gym is a great idea even if he can only focus for 20 minutes.
Sensory activities can help with emotional regulation as well ideally done regularly for 15 minutes a day towards the end of the day.

It is really hard parenting a dc with ADHD OP don't be too hard on yourself.

Exclusion was linked to his adhd but when I questioned this I was told Exclusion was linked to his adhd but when I questioned this I was told he must be treated like a neurotypical child. I argued this. May have quoted the DDA at them. Found out he wasn't getting any support. Put in a complaint. He's now getting extra help so I'm wary of pushing this further and being that parent.. I argued this. May have quoted the DDA at them. Found out he wasn't getting any support. Put in a complaint. He's now getting extra help so I'm wary of pushing this further and being that parent

Does he have an EHCP, OP?

If not, do apply for one, you can do it yourself and it will give you the necessary 'clout' with school. It's not an easy process, but when done properly will outline his educational needs.

Also if the school are crap with SN pupils, and that one seems to be, please try and find a different school for him. Any school whose ethos is "he must be treated like a neurotypical child " will never fully support him to be the best he can be.
One parent whose son was at a similarly-minded school was told their one size fits all type of education was suitable for all pupils, NT and AN, which is absolutely not true.

I second this. Firstly, you can apply for an EHCP (again, look at your LA website) and secondly, if the school are unsupportive, could you look elsewhere?

Obviously if his friends are all there etc he may not want to move schools, but it might be an option. But talk to the SEN team at his school first, make sure they are engaging the CAMHS people and anyone else they need to, and absolutely, insist on him getting all the support he needs. You're not 'that parent', you're a great Mum who wants her child to get the help he is entitled to.

School have refused to refer to CAMHS. They spoke to DS and he said he's not happy but he's not sad and he has thought of killing himself. They asked if he has a counsellor. That they told me they would provide a month ago.

I've asked them to put it in writing that they won't refer him.

If anyone recognises this then please don't out me.

What reasoning are the school giving for refusing to make a referral to CAMHS?

That he said he gets annoyed at not having a tv in his room. That's their basis and the reasoning he's given to someone he's just met out of the blue asking him why he's suicidal. Of course he wouldn't outwardly say oh yeah I'm gonna top myself tonight. That would alert people and mean he couldn't do it.

It's rubbish, school staff talking to children, especially those with additional needs! In about Yr 6 my son was asked why he was yawning and he came up with a load of made up stuff about not sleeping due to nightmares! I think it's really common for children on the the spectrum (and others, probably) to say what they think the adult wants to hear, or what will get them out of trouble, or what will achieve the outcome they want. Perhaps your DS thought he would get a TV if he said that?

I'm not sure unqualified adults should ever put any store by what a child says in a serious situation like this! Please keep on at the school and demand better support. And please do look at the council website and contact them direct!

OP can decide whether she wants sex toys, they’re hers. The problem isn’t owning sex toys which is completely fine, it’s that her son would take such an intimate object.

I don’t think that comment was meant to shame OP in fairness. Of course it’s fine to own sex toys. But children are entitled to be protected from inappropriate or harmful material and that extends to making absolutely sure that they cannot access sex toys in their home. They should be under lock and key with kids in the house because children are sometimes curious, nosey or downright disrespectful of other people’s privacy and even children who go snooping still need and deserve for their parents to protect them from accessing inappropriate material. Same with the internet. Children should not be accessing the internet out of view and earshot of their parents because everyone knows how easy it is to access violent, sexual or otherwise harmful content. Even kids who you think are predictable can surprise you, and as children they need and deserve your protection (whether they want it or not).