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Original poster

Cant get over affair

27 replies

Discombobulated2019 · 21/11/2020 21:52

Hi
Discovered wifes affair over 2 years ago, since then we've been through the whole range of emotions and overall its been awful. We've moved from our dream home to get away from it all but right now I feel dead inside and full of hate for her affair partner (his wife never found out) and I feel totally lost. Sometimes I wake up thinking I wish I hadn't. She's remorseful and couldn't do anymore but her betrayal haunts me and I feel I may never be at peace. Don't even know why I'm posting, just feel lost.....

OP posts:
FippertyGibbett · 21/11/2020 21:54

Leave then, it won’t get better.

happytoday73 · 21/11/2020 21:59

This is why I know my marriage wouldn't survive an affair.
I think you should ponder how you now feel about a divorce.... You either need to put it aside or seperate

shadow8 · 21/11/2020 23:31

Got to strike out on your own no matter the headache. She will do it again. Trust between you has gone. Her remorse is doubtful as she is afraid of losing the roof over her head! You will recover. Lots of true women seeking good guys like you so don’t worry but get rid if her.

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Relationship problems
shadow8 · 21/11/2020 23:32

Just go man...

Jules2011 · 21/11/2020 23:44

My husband had an affair, it is one of the most devastating things to happen, especially when it comes out of the blue. The betrayal hurts so much, it is like a death for the person you thought you knew. We went to counseling but I knew deep down I could never get past the deceit, I was having awful visual dreams, thinking of days when he had lied etc.

I think you have done a great job in trying to make it work, but if you are still feeling unhappy 2 years on, you need to do something for you. If you really want to try with your wife you could try counseling, it worked for friends of mine, but it may be that you can never let go of the betrayal then perhaps it is time to cut your losses and move on. It’s a tough decision but you get one life and you deserve to be happy.

It is not easy to trust again but you will find someone who respects you and who you learn to trust. I really hope you find the strength to find the decision that is right for you.

Stillfunny · 21/11/2020 23:53

@Jules2011 . I feel exactly the same , even two years on.
Did you try counselling at the time. We did as I wanted to say that I tried.But I am haunted by it all , will never get over it . The trust is gone forever . If you feel like this too , maybe consider leaving. You dont need to live the rest of your life being unhappy.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/11/2020 23:53

Have you been to marriage counselling? If you’re feeling suicidal have you sought support? I’m sorry you’re suffering so much.

It can feel impossible to make big decisions when you’re so low and just getting through the day takes everything you’ve got but it sounds like the marriage is over and the best thing would be to walk away and get a divorce.

ViciousJackdaw · 22/11/2020 01:11

I would seriously consider divorce too. You don't deserve to be filled with hatred. You don't deserve to feel numb and lost. You deserve to be at peace and feel at ease. You deserve happiness.

Two years is a long time, you've obviously given it a good shot. I wouldn't be able to forgive and forget, that's a pretty tall order. Now might be the time to consider a clean break. That sounds drastic but it might be the only way you can move forward and feel free. I wish you all the best.

ivykaty44 · 22/11/2020 01:15

Why did you stay?

Aquamarine1029 · 22/11/2020 01:17

You need to divorce her. You are caught in a wheel of despair fueled by broken trust. Your trust in her will never come back and that is entirely her fault. Set yourself free from this hell and move on.

Icanflyhigh · 22/11/2020 01:19

Just go. This was me on the receiving end of you 13 years ago. He told me he forgave me, and he lied and because of that we have destroyed each other.

Now divorced for 6 years and you wouldn't believe me if I said I was standing on the bridge of an A road not 15 mins ago ready to jump.

I take responsibility for my actions, but he has made me pay for years and years and years. And he won't stop.

He told me he'd see me dead before he saw me happy. He was right.

MrsBrunch · 22/11/2020 01:40

An affair smashes a relationship to bits. It's up to you whether you want to make the effort to put it back together but even if you do it will never be the same. It will be a new relationship with new rules. All previous agreements are cancelled and if you want to continue you have to make new agreements based on the loss of trust.

It's all a bit shit and not worth attempting, imo. Once someone has done that to you it's over. You know how little you meant to them at the time. Personally I would end it.

Original poster
Discombobulated2019 · 22/11/2020 07:41

ivykaty44 - at the time I was scared to be alone and wanted to fight for my marriage. Looking back I wish I'd had the strength to just leave right there. Trust me when I say I play the "discovery day" over and over in my head most days.

OP posts:
Sunflowergirl1 · 22/11/2020 07:47

Not many marriages can survive and affair. Two years in it is easier to carry on but the pain will destroy you. I helped a friend through this and several years later she finally realised it wouldn't get better. He was devastated as he thought it was all ok...but it wasn't

The ones who deal with it better are the ones who make the decision to divorce early and get on with their lives

ivykaty44 · 22/11/2020 07:49

Write it all down and then fold it up and put it away, then literally don’t allow yourself to think about it

If your unhappy then think about moving firward with your life in a different direction without your spouse

Make plans for a better life

You’ve tried staying and it’s clearly not worked for you, don’t beat yourself up at least you know it wasn’t the way to go.

Sadly moving forward is going to cause pain for both of you but you can be happy on your own

Original poster
Discombobulated2019 · 22/11/2020 07:49

Thank you everyone for taking the time to write, deep down i know I should go but for some reason I just can't seem to pluck up the courage to leave. I know it would break her and yes I know this whole situation is caused by her actions but she's still a human being. It's all just so messed up with no easy way out for me. She knows I'm not happy and in a twisted way I think (and partly hope) she'll leave me as whilst it'll hurt for a while the pain would go in time (I think??) Whilst what I'm feeling now i know will never ever change. I was pinning all my hopes on time being a great healer but the wound will never fully repair.

OP posts:
SonEtLumiere · 22/11/2020 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jules2011 · 22/11/2020 08:05

@Icanflyhigh Please call the Samaritans or your doctor and get help. You can be happy again once you get through the fog.

@Discombobulated2019 Moving on is not easy but if you are so unhappy, you need to be strong and consider your needs and happiness, perhaps move out for a while, give yourself some space to breathe and think, it sounds like it is all consuming right now.

Original poster
Discombobulated2019 · 22/11/2020 08:31

SonEtLumiere - every day I think about telling his wife but I hold off. I think about what I've been through and couldn't live with myself if she hurt herself. I've stared into the hole of ending it all but pulled back. Sadly not everyone can and if his wife hurt herself it'd be on my head as well as on her scumbag cheating husband.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 22/11/2020 08:31

time on its own will not heal

shehadsomuchpotential · 22/11/2020 08:43

Two years down the line it does sounds like you are nowhere near getting over it. So time
Itself isn't helping.

Do you fully understand why the affair happened? They are rarely about their regular partner but some sort of crisis within the person cheating that the affair is a symptom of. If you understand this fully and therefore why it happened and what your DP has done to resolve these issues since you might gain confidence it wont happen again and move on. I appreciate this involves showing more empathy then people like to give people who cheat, but it does happen for a reason.

Counselling for yourself or together will help hugely. I wouldn't focus on the other guy-he will have his own problems. Likely wife is already aware of in denial. Its hardly paradise. Bringing pain to someone elses door wont heal yours and you wont be thanked.

The fact someone found themselves in such a bad place they behaved terribly and cheated once does not
Mean this is a pattern and will cheat again. Not if they are otherwise a good person.

You deserve to be happy, talk to to DW and say you are worried you haven't moved on.

Fluffycloudland77 · 22/11/2020 09:09

Sounds like you need to leave, if she hurts herself that’s not actually your responsibility. It must be awful for you living like this.

Kittykat93 · 22/11/2020 11:01

@icanfly

Are you okay? No one deserves to feel like that. Your post is very upsetting. I had a short affair and my husband kicked me out (perfectly reasonable) and now a while down the line I am living a life and I have learnt to forgive myself. Yes affairs are horrible and selfish, but you haven't killed anyone and you deserve to be able to move on. Please get some help, counselling helped me a bit.

Kittykat93 · 22/11/2020 11:01

Sorry tagged wrong @icanflyhigh

Icanflyhigh · 22/11/2020 12:22

Sorry didn't mean to hijack someone else's post. I'm ok, and then sometimes I'm not.

I am 6.5 years down the line from being divorced now but there are 3DCs to consider and their dad still uses them as emotional pawns. I should have remarried in the summer but Covid etc... rebooked for next year now.

I'm on an emotional rollercoaster right now.
My mum has just been diagnosed with cancer, prognosis is 1-5 years. ExH won't allow me to have the Dcs at Xmas because its his turn and we depsrately want to spend it with my mum.

DP is great and very supportive but all I am able to do right now is push him away, hence walking the streets last night just trying to straighten my head. Found myself on a bridge over an A road, tempted but scared of the consequences - don't want to create more hassle for everyone.

I came home instead and have been laid on the sofa ever since.
Broke my engagement with DP this morning because he deserves better than me.

I'm a mess but I'm here and ok.
Thanks for checking in and I'm really sorry OP for hijacking your post.

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