childish(?) DD18 left behind by friends

[lellikellysthecutestshoesohyea]

DD has always been very shy, and struggled socially. As she’s gotten older she’s also unfortunately become progressively worse socially and is currently living in terror at the prospect of having to make friends at uni.

Her friends (even the tamest, calmest ones) are all about partying, looking sexy and boys, as most are at that age. I was pretty similar, so I struggle to know what to tell her. I think it doesn’t help much that her current friends seem to be your typical very loud, confident ‘popular’ group of girls that she’s stuck with for years and years. I reckon they take advantage of her slightly and she would do better with people more similar to her, but she doesn’t even entertain the idea of new friends.

My DD has no interests in common with them any more. Wears no makeup, went to a party once and swore never again, doesn’t even have a sip of champagne at new year. Boys haven’t even crossed her mind (nor have girls from what she’s told me).

Her interests very much align with her grandfather’s and he’s currently probably her best friend. They mainly discuss things like what they’ve been reading, organise his cigarette card collection and play cards. Honestly I think I would’ve died over doing that at her age.

As she’s found that her friends have drifted off and been doing the things mentioned above, she feels a bit left behind. They only common interest they seem to have left is fashion, and they obviously can’t even do things like vintage shopping any more to get meeting up and become closer again.

I’m not sure how to help or what to say. She’s very unhappy. Worried about uni and having no friends, since a lot of uni friendships rely on meeting people during fresher’s. This is all a bit muddled but my other children have always done fine socially, yet I’ve spent years hoping my poor DD grows out of her shyness and it’s only gotten worse!

Is she at Uni now or is she worrying about next September?

Uni will be WAY better. Lots of new people, all are there because they want to study or pursue something. She will find like-minded friends much more easily.

She sounds absolutely fine. She clearly has her own personality and she's confident enough to pursue the interests she likes. She'll find her tribe at university, and it won't revolve around the drinking and nonsense of fresher's week.

@SleepingStandingUp

She’s worrying about September! And has been since the very beginning of A-levels.

@Liverbird77

The issue is she’s very unhappy now. Also yes she pursues her interests, but wouldn’t let any of her friends know it. She was a vegetarian for a year and was upset I mentioned it in a text that her friends saw because she was so embarrassed about it. When her friends used to come over half the things in her room were hidden away in her sister’s!

I know it's hard, but she has to forge her own way. You already know you can't find friends for her, so you'll just have to step back at let her figure it out. I think she will find uni better than she's worried about.

@Aquamarine1029

That’s true, it’s just so sad to watch her be upset about it. I’ve had everyone in the family who’s been to uni casually mention how they enjoyed, but she’s yet to be convinced.

Well the way to reassure her about Sept is that she can make friends who know nothing about who she's been growing up, she can show them all the adult version of her. There will be lots of societies etc to join and 🐚 be on a course with people like her.

As for now I don't know, it's hard at this age to outgrow friends

She sounds more scared than shy. Scared to be seen for who she is, as she might be teased or ignored - or even bullied? You need to help her build up her self-confidence. Easier said than done, I know.

Joining lots of clubs at uni that cater for her interests is my advice. Or looking into setting one up!

It's a bit off to use yourself as the measure of normality! She's a different person to you, there is nothing wrong with her enjoying things that you would have hated.

Do you not think she's going to be aware you've spent her childhood wishing she would morph into a different child and inwardly judging her for not being "normal" like you?

You don't seem to have any doubt in the way you're writing that your judgements and opinions about her being abnormal are anything other than undeniable facts, so it's hard to believe you've never acted in a way for her to pick up on your views or concerns. I mean, it sounds like you've spent time pushing her to be more like you were and struggling to understand her because she's not you. That's going to influence your relational style, whether you mean it to or not.

Her mum judges her as abnormal, why wouldn't she be fearful her friends would do the same if she showed her true self? Look at the title of your post! I was expecting something about a teen who'd regressed into childhood comforts, but all this is is a young woman with a personality and interests different to her mother's at the same age!

Maybe if she felt more acceptance from you - and less concern about her supposed abnormality - she would feel more peace and acceptance towards herself.

aAt uni she will meet a far wider range of people than at school, and a fair number of them will be more like herself. She can meet them at an infinite number of hobby and activity groups, covering all sorts of nerdy quiet intersts of the kind she enjoys. They are all advertised and canvassing new members, at freshers week. Plus, in her subject classes, there will be more academic types and something in common to talk about.

So you could put it to her that university is going to be a huge relief,   at last a chance  of finding people she can get on with.

She sounds like she's ashamed of who she is. Would it be possible to find her someone to talk to?

Does she have clear hobbies that others do? Yes the union can be busy and stereotypical but most unis have endless clubs and opportunities to quietly meet your tribe. For example, stage crew for the drama club or archery at my uni have a fair number of gentle types.

What’s she going to study? Science degrees have the bonus of more lectures etc so more structured contact time to build up relationships

She sounds exactly like my dd 18.

I worried myself sick about uni but in 3 months shes found herself a group of like minded friends, some on her course and some not and now shes grown into a confident and happier person.

Uni is a lot different. Your dd will be fine. She has to find her own way though

She’s doesn’t have to go to uni, she does know it’s not compulsory doesn’t she? If she’s panicking now maybe she should have a gap year and find her feet? Get a job or go traveling that may give her confidence to start Uni at a later date.

I was a lot like your daughter and found I suddenly had nothing in common with my school “friends”. Uni was a million times better and work even better than that. Now I’m 30 and I haven’t partied (and hardly drank) since I was at school and I’m very happy that way.

@Calligraphy572

Definitely scared, but I think that’s developed out of the shyness. I’m not sure how I go about helping her with her self-confidence, although it really is a must.

@OzziePopPop
@2bazookas

I’ll definitely emphasise clubs being a way to make friends more easily, she’s always wishing there was more to do in our area so she’ll be pleased with that.

@user1915482548253840

I don’t wish she was like me at all! It’s just from what I know of her friends it sounds like they’re similar to what I was like at that age. DD’s always been perfect in terms of behaviour, school, etc. Has a really lovely personality. I do always tell her these things, but she never believes it.

She actually has regressed into childish comforts, but that’s just a side effect of her fear of moving on. I just feel sorry that she’s unhappy, if she was then I wouldn’t care what her interests were. If she felt like she was more ‘in’ with her friends, and that life was going to improve, I think she’d be much happier, but it’s just a case of convincing her and helping her out of her shell to make sure that happens.

My children are 21 and 23, and sometimes we need to give them a bit of tough love. Ruminating with her isn't going to help, and she might need to hear that if she wants a different life and new friends, only she can make it happen. Worrying and being negative about something she hasn't even done yet (uni) is silly and counterproductive.

It’s not just shyness op, she just doesn’t have a similar interests to her friends, she wants to play cards and read. Is this really what she wishes to do, or what she does because she’s got nothing else?

Honestly yes I’d be worried about uni, so she needs to have a plan. Joining a book club, how she will interact with others, maybe forming a study group, a card club.

She will need a strategy to find folks like her, they won’t be immediately apparant.

I worried about one of my DDs going off to uni as she is similar to yours. Hates parties, doesn’t drink, bit socially awkward at times.

She’s absolutely loved it, found similar people and having a fab time. Ok their night might mean bake off and a pizza delivery but she’s found her tribe to do it with while the others go out clubbing (pre covid!).

Hmm, I can relate to your DD. I’ve never enjoyed clubbing or parties and I love reading, time to myself and thinking about things that interest me. I’m not shy though - I’m introverted. Being around people too much wears me down. The trouble is that this doesn’t go down well with most other teenagers and it sounds like you don’t really get it either.

Hopefully your daughter will find her place at university and make a few friends and not feel like she has to conform. I think you can only really support her and try to be understanding. Going to university is difficult when you don’t enjoy doing the things you’re ‘supposed’ to want to do at that age.

@Ohalrightthen

Right before the pandemic she went to the GP in hopes of getting some counselling, the waiting list is over 1.5 years long apparently, so I don’t think so

@GaryTheDemon

She’s going to do History, so I’m sure there’ll be some sort of extra club to do with that. She liked a few sports until her friends decided not to. All sorts of things interest her, she knows a bit about everything and could make conversation about any topic if only she had the confidence

@ghostmous3
@FudgeSundae

That’s very comforting, thank you!

@GameSetMatch

I suggested it, but she’s absolutely set on going next year, and insists that if she doesn’t go then she never will.

Have you considered autism?
Girls mask it well and are often not diagnosed at all or well into adulthood.

NAS has lots of information

Does she have a few unis in mind to apply too?

Look at the clubs and societies, there are loads where I work. Board games clubs have had a huge resurgence so she would love that. What about a sport/activity that she may give a try?? Wall climbing, Cheer, social dancing like Lindyhop??

She needs to see her interests as her gateway to a whole new world of friendships - as the path to finding ‘her tribe’, in modern speak.

They are absolutely golden.

Once she finds one or two places where she can be herself, the friends will follow.