childish(?) DD18 left behind by friends

[lellikellysthecutestshoesohyea]

DD has always been very shy, and struggled socially. As she’s gotten older she’s also unfortunately become progressively worse socially and is currently living in terror at the prospect of having to make friends at uni.

Her friends (even the tamest, calmest ones) are all about partying, looking sexy and boys, as most are at that age. I was pretty similar, so I struggle to know what to tell her. I think it doesn’t help much that her current friends seem to be your typical very loud, confident ‘popular’ group of girls that she’s stuck with for years and years. I reckon they take advantage of her slightly and she would do better with people more similar to her, but she doesn’t even entertain the idea of new friends.

My DD has no interests in common with them any more. Wears no makeup, went to a party once and swore never again, doesn’t even have a sip of champagne at new year. Boys haven’t even crossed her mind (nor have girls from what she’s told me).

Her interests very much align with her grandfather’s and he’s currently probably her best friend. They mainly discuss things like what they’ve been reading, organise his cigarette card collection and play cards. Honestly I think I would’ve died over doing that at her age.

As she’s found that her friends have drifted off and been doing the things mentioned above, she feels a bit left behind. They only common interest they seem to have left is fashion, and they obviously can’t even do things like vintage shopping any more to get meeting up and become closer again.

I’m not sure how to help or what to say. She’s very unhappy. Worried about uni and having no friends, since a lot of uni friendships rely on meeting people during fresher’s. This is all a bit muddled but my other children have always done fine socially, yet I’ve spent years hoping my poor DD grows out of her shyness and it’s only gotten worse!

I think it's a shame there aren't kids like her at her school. What sort of school is it? Dd just goes to the local comp sixth form and has had similar friends since age 11. They're probably the geekiest group but are lovely and not really into boyfriends/partying/drinking etc, although they've always had friends who are boys at school. Is there no one like that she could hang out with? I know dd and friends are accepting of new people to hang out with them as she mentions new people

One of mine went to a girls grammar for 6th Form - she found her tribe there!!! My DH took her to open evening "they are all as geeky as her, she's found he tribe".

It sounds like she knows her and her friends aren't a great fit, given that she has little in common with them, hides her real interest from them. So I think I would really try and see Uni as an amazing opportunity to meet people she really does connect with.

And if she isn't going to meet people at the pub/clubs, research everything that is there. What clubs, hobbies, groups are there? If nothing fits perfectly, which one would probably attract the people she would most likely click with. Is there something she can start getting into now, that she could then continue there?

This is an amazing opportunity for her to find her people. I really hope you can convince her of that. This can be the best thing ever for her!

Freshers fayre will be good for her. She can shop around all the societies and if it’s a decent size union there will be lots on offer and she can find friends that way. I didn’t have loads of friends I lived with because I lived at home but made some lovely, long lasting relationships through a society I got heavily involved with.

I think she needs have a bit of a plan of action on making friends. I had to because I was at home so it was a real concerted effort. I just decided that this one society would be my thing as it was an area of interest and threw myself in.

There will be societies that aren’t all drinking and partying.

She sounds as though she would make an excellent quizzer. Quiz teams are great fun - yes they often involve pubs but drinking is not the main focus and nobody would raise an eyebrow at a team member on the soft drinks. Historical societies (and not necessarily the university one) are worth a look too. Does your DD have any political leanings at all?

Look at the clubs on offer at uni. Talk about which ones she might like. She can even contact one or two before she goes - the people who run the clubs will often be happy to talk about them with prospective new members.

Uni students are not a solid, unyielding block of nonstop partiers and boyfriend-obsessed, Instagramming problem drinkers. :) She will find her people!

Why do you think her friends take advantage of her, just to have a bit more background?
Well she can’t have her cake and eat it, in the sense that yes of course she will be left behind if she is not up to doing the same activities as her group of friends and also not interested in widening her circle of friends. It is still a year before she goes to uni so lockdown or not she needs to get out there, see what’s happening in the area regarding things that might interest her and where she can meet new people, and also go out with her existing friends for the company even if she doesn’t enjoy the activity itself. She does seem to like her friends so she has to adapt a little bit. I would take this year to prepare her for uni as much as you can, if she does want to go to uni, and make sure she is a bit more confident, mature and happy. This needs to start now, lockdown or not, she can’t be miserable for the whole year worrying about uni. Do you live very rurally?

The dating app Bumble has a friend page on it where you can list your interests and find friends that are nearby with the same interests as you? And you can message on the app too. It’s called Bumble BFF. I recently moved to a new town (well last year) and I’ve met a few similar people - and same age

She sounds lovely.

I was more like your daughter than like you OP, and the last few years of school were tricky - everyone desperate to get wasted and rebel, it just wasn't me!

I was worried that uni would be more of the same, but it was a HUGE relief. I didn't have to pretend to be less smart - if anything I had to work harder. And yes, there were the party crowd and the rugby crowd, but there were also the vegans (not cool then), dungeons and dragons guys, Christians, debaters, young conservatives, model aircrafters, human rights crowd and one lot who believed plants had spirits. The range of acceptable behaviour was huge, as I established on the first day by impressing my neighbour by my encyclopaedic knowledge of the Anne of Green Gables books. I would been shunned for that at school.

Hopefully when she gets away from her current friends and environment she will feel more free to play sport again, and join the fashion club, and meet a nice guy who shares her interest in organising cards. This intervening year will be tough though.

Btw she is probably also struggling with the enormity of leaving home and being grown up - I couldn't get my head around that in advance, but it was fine when I got to it.

Some universities have an interests section when applying for campus accommodation. Then they try to group people according to their interests, such as partying and reading. Rap music and classical. Doesn’t always work as my university was 50:50 she’ll find her group of people at university. It’s a more tolerant place x