Teenagers Cuddling in front of me.

[Shetland600]

Advice please: I (single father) allow my son's (age 14) girlfriend (age 13) stay over at weekends so that they can spend time together.
Otherwise, as Son and I live on a remote Scottish Isle and Girlfriend lives on a different isle , they would never see each other at weekends or school holidays. They have separate bedrooms (and creaky floorboards), no problem there (yet) but they have the use of a sitting room to themselves to watch tv, game etc. so they do have their own space downstairs.

I explained to them both, before her first visit, that I would feel uncomfortable if they were to cuddle, hug, lie under the same covers, kiss in front of me. Fine at first. After a few visits they have started to ignore this and at every turn I find them interlocked; in the kitchen, in the living room, basically everywhere, also kissing and snuggling under a duvet together. They seem to have have evolved into frontally co-joined teenagers. I felt awkward a so I tried to discuss this with my son who, basically exploded and seems to think its OK to make me feel uncomfortable in my home, and if mentioned goes in to mega-teen-sulk. I have now asked them both together to respect my request, but no, they still think it's OK. The smart thing for them to do would be to wait until I popped out but they are still so publicly clingy. I really don't want to go down the line of saying that Girlfriend can't visit anymore as this would make Son very unhappy. Welcome any thoughts on how to deal with this, possibly without bucket of cold water......... :-)

I would sit your son down and explain that as he won't follow the rules laid down in your house, his girlfriend is not welcome to stay overnight at weekends anymore for the foreseeable future. And follow it through.

If possible, she can come for the day, supervised in the living room with no duvets etc. But if he continues to flaunt the rules you lay down, that stops too.

I can’t believe so many pp are telling you to mind your own business! Your kid is your business, esp if there’s a risk he’ll get his underage gf pregnant.

Put a stop to the sleepovers, if his gf ends up pregnant it’s on your watch. Can’t believe you ever thought sleepovers at this age was appropriate.

It does seem odd to be quite so permissive of young teens in this way

And to go into so much detail!

Dear All, thank you so much for your comments, they have made interesting and thought provoking reading. The consensus appears to be stop the GF visits if they don't abide by the house rules.

However, and apologies for not providing full details in first message, there is a further dimension which complicates this. DS stays in the school hostel on the Mainland, during school days so GF and DS see each other very frequently during the week and evenings too. DS's mother lives on same isle as DS's GF, and as GF lives quite close by she is a regular visitor and is allowed in DS's bedroom when he/they stay there. I don't know why GF needs to stay overnight at DS Mum's place as she lives close by, but when she does she has to sleep downstairs, nevertheless I understand that there are hours during the day and evening when they are in the bedroom with door closed. Public signs of physical affection appears not to be a problem at Mum's house.

I only see DS on alternate weekends, so I am concerned that if the rules here are too strict and, as suggested, I say that GF visits will stop unless house rules are observed, then not only will visits form GF cease but also from DS too. He will possibly/likely stay at his Mum's house where the rules (being zero) are more to his liking. I have tried to discuss this behaviour with his mum, but she doesn't see a problem with two teenagers spending hours on end unsupervised in a closed door bedroom and public signs of affection are ok, "they're only kids....." . I guess most, like I, will disagree with DS's mum. But I can't, and have been told so, make rules in her house. I wish to maintain contact with my son, but it is becoming quite difficult witnessing this behaviour which makes me uncomfortable in my own home, but when challenged he becomes quite angry and almost aggressive in his stance and manner. Just to be clear its not just the occasional hug and kiss, it is public, almost constant and they are hardly ever unlocked.

I have spoken to them both again and wait to see if they change their behaviour, but I have my doubts. I also intend to speak to GF's Mums, who doesn't seem too concerned.

Thanks again for your replies.

OP this is tricky as you must feel undermined by your DS's mum and the GF's mum. However the info in your update really strengthens your hand. If DS is seeing his GF at school during the week and at his mums, then there is no need for the GF to accompany him to your house.
You can use that time togehter to discuss this relationship, the law and sex with a child.

No , no and no again. I have a ds and he will not be allowed to have girls staying overnight at such a young age.
I'd stop the ohernights immediately, if his mum wants a teenage pregnancy under her roof good luck to her .

That is a very difficult situation for you. Could you say to ds that you would like weekends to be just you two as you only see him once a fortnight? And then try and do more together - difficult I know in winter and with teenagers reluctance - but use that time to have some gentle discussions about consent, underage sex and appropriate behaviour in public. It tends to be most parents of teenagers experience that it’s best to have these conversations while doing something else - driving somewhere, doing the dishes, walking etc.
Hats off to you though for wanting to sort this. I back you wholeheartedly in what you are trying to do

*What a laughable op- if it's even real. Who on earth allows 13 and 14 year olds to have sleepovers let alone cuddling?

Madness*

100% this.... horrendous judgement on your part!
You’re the adult.. sort it out!

If your ex is much more permissive, then maybe you can't stop a disaster, but you can stop it from happening on your watch! There will be tears and shouting, but somebody has to stand up for these children and put a stop to this ludicrous situation.

As it stands, nobody is protecting these children from harm, or showing them any kind of responsible, reasonable way to live.

Is your ex not concerned about the risk of pregnancy ?

Have you had a serious dad to son chat about contraception and how you don’t have to have PIV sex to conceive?

Have you asked him what he and GFs plans are if she gets pg?

They are both underage. I wouldn't let the 13 year old stay over . If she gets hurt or pregnant it's your responsibility and your reputation in tatters. The police/ ss would be investigating you.
You need to think of yourself and your reputation.

This is a car crash waiting to happen

Stop facilitating an underage sexual relationship. It is not appropriate for their age. You letting her stay is fuelling the pace of their relationship. Do you want another child to mind? You are his father not his mate. Don't allow her to stay. Your son will thank you when his brain matures fully which science now says is 27 years old.