Teenagers Cuddling in front of me.

[Shetland600]

Advice please: I (single father) allow my son's (age 14) girlfriend (age 13) stay over at weekends so that they can spend time together.
Otherwise, as Son and I live on a remote Scottish Isle and Girlfriend lives on a different isle , they would never see each other at weekends or school holidays. They have separate bedrooms (and creaky floorboards), no problem there (yet) but they have the use of a sitting room to themselves to watch tv, game etc. so they do have their own space downstairs.

I explained to them both, before her first visit, that I would feel uncomfortable if they were to cuddle, hug, lie under the same covers, kiss in front of me. Fine at first. After a few visits they have started to ignore this and at every turn I find them interlocked; in the kitchen, in the living room, basically everywhere, also kissing and snuggling under a duvet together. They seem to have have evolved into frontally co-joined teenagers. I felt awkward a so I tried to discuss this with my son who, basically exploded and seems to think its OK to make me feel uncomfortable in my home, and if mentioned goes in to mega-teen-sulk. I have now asked them both together to respect my request, but no, they still think it's OK. The smart thing for them to do would be to wait until I popped out but they are still so publicly clingy. I really don't want to go down the line of saying that Girlfriend can't visit anymore as this would make Son very unhappy. Welcome any thoughts on how to deal with this, possibly without bucket of cold water......... :-)

Your house, your rules, dont like it then tough, she doesnt come round. Girls parents think she is there under one set of rules when in fact you are allowing a totally different set. Not good

For some teenagers the border between a privilege and a basic human right is very thin. Your son seems to think that this is his right now, and you have no say in the matter. You need to stop that before it gets out of hand.

I also live on a remote Scottish island (but a fair bit to the south-west of you) and there are some things that people are more lenient about because they feel that their kids have missed out compared to kids living on the mainland. However, the teen pregnancy rate is pretty high and I do think that's something you need to be wary of.

I would be cutting right down on these overnight stays, and preferably stopping them altogether. At the moment (leaving aside the terrible disrespect he is showing you), all that stands between your son and complete disaster is his judgment/possibly his ability to use contraception. Teenage boys aren't really known for either of those things.

I'm going to sound like a proper harridan now, but I don't think that making children unhappy n the short term is always a bad thing. I know several families where the parents allowed all sorts in the name of the children's happiness ("Will all that matters is that they're happy really") and it has ended badly every time. Unfortunately, in the short term things like drinking and shagging do make teenagers happy, and they are not always great at thinking in the longer term. That's our job as parents. Sometimes that means they have to be a bit miserable for a while.

You let her sleep over but not cuddle on the sofa...bit of a mixed up approach surely.

I wouldnt have a problem with my kid cuddling his gf on the sofa. But staying over is a no no. Unless she misses the last ferry back or something.

Also dont know wtf her mother is thinking letting her daughter stay over at a bfs house at 13. Dysfunctional family by the sounds of it.

Nope.
Either follow the rules or she doesn't visit any more.
Get a hold on this before your next post is teenage pregnancy.

You have set rules (which are not at all unreasonable IMO) and they are old enough to understand them, but they are breaking them because you are letting them get away with it.

If they don't obey the rules when GF is staying then they forfeit the next weekend together would be my sanction - you need to clearly explain this to them before the next visit.

You need to discus teen pregnancy etc

Sorry, I do think you might be setting yourself up for future problems here. Do you want your DS stuck with a child to support before he's 16? I hope you've discussed the risk with him, as you can't watch them all the time.

I would be asking my teen how he honestly thought he'd feel if I was feeling up and snogging my new squeeze in front of him. It's inappropriate. It makes other people feel uncomfortable.

If they cannot adhere to the very reasonable requirements, then they're going to miss out, because you're not going to continue enabling them making you feel very uncomfortable in your own home.

Very simple binary choice. Comply and get to spend time together, or don't, and don't.

I personally would leave them to it. I've been in a similar situation with my siblings bringing boyfriends/girlfriends home and kissing and cuddling etc - it's awkward and uncomfortable but it's just part of being a teenager, IMO. Chances are the relationship will die down in a few months anyway so not worth falling out over and potentially making him awkward about future relationships/bringing girls home to meet his dad.

No this is not ok. Not ok for any couple to be doing this and making the third person feel uncomfortable. Let alone the fact that these are children. Or that it’s your own home. You need to put a stop to this - and possibly the overnight visits.

They are FAR too young for this level of intimacy. Also staying together all weekend is really too much at that age. You're allowing them to live the life of a much older couple when they are literal children.

Put a stop to these sleepovers. What were you thinking?!

Simple; you tell them both that she can't stay over again, and you will be telling her parents why. Because they were asked and agreed to show sexual restraint and refused. Both are under the age of consent and you have a duty of care.

  It's naive to rely on the floorboards  to  prevent the randy pair having sex at night.  Your son hasn't even  demonstrated  enough sense and consideration  of others, to count on him using condoms.

In Scotland

"It is a criminal offence for both girls and boys aged 13, 14 and 15 to have consensual sex with anyone else aged 13, 14 or 15. This applies whether they are the initiating partner or the consenting partner. "

Sorry, I'm not judging, but I think both you and the girl's parents are being a little silly allowing girlfriend / boyfriend sleepovers at such a young age. I know they aren't sharing a bed etc, but even still. I think that's way too young. My parents were pretty liberal, but I think 16 was the earliest my siblings had GF/BFs to stay. I never had a boyfriend so it was never an issue .

I also think they are much too young to be staying together (albeit in separate rooms) at weekends, it will encourage this level of intimacy. I have a 16 year old ds and I can't imagine him kissing and cuddling on a sofa in front of me let alone at ages 14 and 13

She can visit if the public displays stop. She shouldn't be sleeping over. You'll have a teenage pregnancy on your hands really fast from the sounds of things. Be the adult here.

Kissing fair enough, time and a place but cuddling ? :S snuggling whilst watching a film or tv is normal surely. Cant see whats wrong with it. Doubt they are fondling in front of you

I understand how difficult living remotely can be.

On that situation I'd probably allow weekend sleep overs, but they'd be in MY home, not the other parents, because I know what my boyfriends parents were like and YOU aren't sticking to the rules you told her parents would be in place.

I'd reduce it to every other weekend.
Have a open door policy on 'their' lounge
Remove duvets/blankets. If it's genuinely that cold-they have one each on separate sofas.

If DS breaks the rules or kicks off she doesn't stay.

You HAVE to be his parents not his mate. Unless you have some desire to be supporting your DS, this girl & their baby for the next decade or more.

Its there parents business given they are still children. Its happening in parents home were they have been told it can't so yes it is there business.

Cuddling on the sofa with no duvets or blankets would be fine to me, but blankets, staying over and kissing all the time would be a no.

Aside from the age issue, it's just excessive and very few people genuinely think endless PDAs at any age are acceptable.

What a laughable op- if it's even real. Who on earth allows 13 and 14 year olds to have sleepovers let alone cuddling?

Madness

Jesus that’s way too young for this.

LucyLemons
It does seem odd to be quite so permissive of young teens in this way.
🤔

I agree with lots of other posters that he’s being quite disrespectful and I wouldn’t reward that kind of behaviour. You sound like you’re trying to do the best for him but when this ends, as most young relationships do, he’s going to feel really lost. I’d cut down the frequency and encourage him to do other things.

Far too young for this level of familiarity. Stop the sleep overs or reduce to once a month. Whatever though I think you will have a grandchild soon. I can’t believe the gf parents are allowing this either.