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Original poster

My Nan is going to die. To I take the kids to see her

34 replies

icebearforpresident · 20/11/2020 12:59

Just that really, she’s in hospital with heart failure and is coming home for palliative care, hopefully early next week although she wasn’t supposed to survive the night a few days ago so it could all change again suddenly.

She’s seen my kids about half a dozen time since the first lockdown, usually she saw them every weekend. I know she would feel better if she saw them. But, COVID restrictions aside, they are only 4 & 6, old enough to know she’s not well but not necessarily old enough to process it all.

To be honest I’m not even sure I want to go myself and I don’t know if I could hold it together if we went. So maybe we shouldn’t?

OP posts:
rebecca102 · 20/11/2020 13:02

I would. I'd regret it if I didn't

DontGoIntoTheLongGrass · 20/11/2020 13:04

I'm sorry this is happening Flowers

One part of me says that I'd do whatever your nan wants and make her happy. Another part of me though thinks if she looks in a bad way it may not be the best last memory your children have of their nan.

My last memory of my nana is in a care home looking completely wasted away. I wish I hadn't seen that.

duckme · 20/11/2020 13:11

What would your nan want?
I know it's hard to think that the last memory of her could be of a person who no longer resembles the family member you know and love. However, and I mean this in the kindest way, it's not necessarily just about you. If it would bring your nan comfort to see you (leaving your kids out of it for a second) then I think that's what you should do. And you can take comfort into je fact that you are carrying out your nans wishes.
If you think your children will be traumatised by the visit, then you should obviously think carefully before going. But if you think they would be ok, with a gentle conversation around the fact that nanny is very poorly so may not want to talk very much, but will be so happy you are there, then I really would urge you to consider going.

I'm sorry you're going through this x

helloxhristmas · 20/11/2020 13:13

I'm sorry.

I don't know if I would to be honest, I'd want their memories to be of her well.

bengalcat · 20/11/2020 13:15

If your nan wants to see you then go . It is my view that the majority of kids are far more pragmatic about life than some adults . Agree with @duckme above .

Hiccupiscal · 20/11/2020 13:22

Another agreement with @duckme

End of life should be about the comfort of the persons end of life. Unless it would traumatise you or DC horrifically, please see her.

I say this as someone who worked for years very closely with end of life, and so many times it was incredibly lonely and sad for the person.
Death is a part of life, unfortunately.

The kids will be ok.

Original poster
icebearforpresident · 20/11/2020 13:24

I will see her (assuming I even can, I’m isolating until next week due to contact with COVID) I’ll hold it together and go. Im just worried that seeing their nana ill will traumatise them, for want of a better word. My youngest, who was only 2 when he died. still cries because she misses my papa and refers to his chair as papas char.

OP posts:
Srictlybakeoff · 20/11/2020 13:25

I also think you should go. You may regret it if you don’t.
The children are more difficult- you know them and how sensitive they are . It would be good if you feel they could cope with seeing her. Could you go first - to see how you react yourself - and take them afterwards.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 20/11/2020 13:26

@duckme

What would your nan want? I know it's hard to think that the last memory of her could be of a person who no longer resembles the family member you know and love. However, and I mean this in the kindest way, it's not necessarily just about you. If it would bring your nan comfort to see you (leaving your kids out of it for a second) then I think that's what you should do. And you can take comfort into je fact that you are carrying out your nans wishes. If you think your children will be traumatised by the visit, then you should obviously think carefully before going. But if you think they would be ok, with a gentle conversation around the fact that nanny is very poorly so may not want to talk very much, but will be so happy you are there, then I really would urge you to consider going.

I'm sorry you're going through this x

Exactly this ^^

Go and see her, it's hard for you, but it will be so nice fir her to see you, hug you. Xx

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 20/11/2020 13:29

It's natural to cry when you miss someone you love. That'll happen whether they see her or not.

BiddyPop · 20/11/2020 13:30

A good place to look for some help on how to prepare DCs for seeing her, and/or her eventual death, is the Winstons' Wish website. That may help you in terms of what to expect and how you can prepare yourself for the DCs, and prepare them.

And that may help to clarify in your mind what would best suit your Nan, you and your DCs in this instance.

Flowers for you all.

StarsOnAMat · 20/11/2020 13:33

I took my children (4 and 1) to see my FIL all through the summer as his cancer got worse and the end approached. The older one was told that grampa wasn’t well and it made him very tired so he was in bed a lot. It gave my FIL great joy to see his grandchildren in the last few months although it was hard for us to see them talking, knowing each time might be the last. We didn’t take them in the last couple of weeks but he was asleep most of the time anyway. I think it helped the older one understand when he died as he’d seen him become more and more ill so he didn’t just disappear one night.

If you think your Nan would like to see them, I’d go and it might help your children understand why she isn’t around anymore once that time comes.

GameSetMatch · 20/11/2020 13:34

I wouldn’t, I remember being taken to the hospice to see my grandad, I didn’t want to go I was scared and it wasn’t a nice memory, let you children remover her how she used to be not in a hospital bed dying.

GameSetMatch · 20/11/2020 13:34

Remember not remover 🙄

NotStayingIn · 20/11/2020 13:35

Would your nan want the kids to see her like that? When my nan was near the end of her life she asked to only see her children, not the grandchildren. She didn't want us, grandchildren, to see her like that, so we wrote her cards etc instead.

I don't want to sound flippant, but can you not just ask her?

Notajogger · 20/11/2020 13:40

I'd take them. I would regret it if I didn't give her the chance to see them one last time.

Astella22 · 20/11/2020 13:41

My dad brought us kids to the hospital when my Nan was dying, some other family members didn’t want to ‘traumatise’ us so us being there was definitely frowned on. I still remember holding my Nans hand telling her I loved her, she passed away later that day and that hand hold still means so much to me. That few mins have remained with me for life and I’m so thankful to my Dad for that.

Sillydoggy · 20/11/2020 13:44

My sympathies to you.

You need to know exactly how she is before you do this. Some people go easily- just seeming tired or sleepy but some go downhill into pain and confusion especially if they are on morphine. If the children go and she has no idea who they are or what they are doing there or seems in distress or tied to tubes it will stay with them forever. If she is calm and pleased to see them it will be good for her and them. You need to find someone else who will tell you honestly what to expect or go yourself just before you bring them in.

NotStayingIn · 20/11/2020 13:44

Ah apologies, I think I misread your post. She definitely wants to see them? In which case yes I think I would if it was allowed.

Piwlyfbicsly · 20/11/2020 14:01

I’d go. Be brave. It’s incredibly hard, wouldn’t wish it to anyone, but I believe you might regret if you don’t do it.

GrumblyMumblyisnotJumbly · 20/11/2020 14:08

Sorry you are going through this OP, it's hard to lose family. The hospital may not allow your children in to visit if she's on a ward at the moment. When one of my parents was dying they advised that the DC not go in to the hospital room as that would then be their last memory of the person, would maybe be easier if she does get home and it's a less clinical setting. Hope everything is peaceful for your Nan Flowers

shinynewapple2020 · 20/11/2020 14:11

I certainly think that you should go abs see her .

I'm not sure about your children though to be honest , it depends on how different she looks to how she did when they last saw her , how unwell etc and how your individual children are likely to cope .

If you take your children and they show that they are upset or frightened by how your nan is, she would find this very upsetting herself . Other children take things more in their stride that adults do .

So not a simple answer regarding your young children . Absolutely you should go though .

FirstPost99 · 20/11/2020 14:14

I didn't take my DC to see my Nan when she was ill as she didn't know who was there and the kids would have been upset, but we did play videos to her of them singing/sending her a message etc

chasingmytail4 · 20/11/2020 14:17

When my MIL was dying in a hospice I took my children to see her. The youngest was 6 and I had already started preparing them for the fact that the doctors could not make her better. My MIL was so happy to see them, I will never regret taking them. My advice would be to visit alone first, if you're able, and assess whether she will be aware that they are there, and equally if her condition will distress your children. I now work in a hospice and see everyday how much joy children bring to patients near the end of their life. Sending you love for the days ahead Flowers

movingonup20 · 20/11/2020 14:17

I would, kids are far more able to cope than people give them credit for. It can also help them understand your grieving too. Hospitals can be scary but once she is home them going in and chatting about things they are doing will lighten the situation and hopefully make her smile