My Nan is going to die. To I take the kids to see her

[icebearforpresident]

Just that really, she’s in hospital with heart failure and is coming home for palliative care, hopefully early next week although she wasn’t supposed to survive the night a few days ago so it could all change again suddenly.

She’s seen my kids about half a dozen time since the first lockdown, usually she saw them every weekend. I know she would feel better if she saw them. But, COVID restrictions aside, they are only 4 & 6, old enough to know she’s not well but not necessarily old enough to process it all.

To be honest I’m not even sure I want to go myself and I don’t know if I could hold it together if we went. So maybe we shouldn’t?

Assuming she is still here when I’m out of isolation next week, which I’m not convinced she will be to be honest, I will go. I won’t regret not going, I have been in this position before and never regretted not going, but in this case I need to go, for the wider family as much as her (this year has been a shit show, health wise, for my family with more than one terminal cancer diagnosis) and i will be expected to go. I’ll hold it together and go.

I won’t take the kids until I see her myself but just don’t know what’s best from their point of view.

We know that if the time comes and she is still in hospital only one family member can go be with her, so if the kids do see her it will be at her home.

I took ds1 to visit dh's gran in hospital when she was dying. He was 5.

I didn't tell him she was dying, just that we were visiting her in hospital to cheer her up because she was very poorly.

It did cheer her up. We didn't stay very long, but it was lovely to see her even though we knew it was likely the last time. It might be different now, but there were quite a few adults there and it was kind of a good focus for everyone to have ds1 chattering away for a bit. I think having him there helped us all keep it together and just be in the moment.

We said goodbye and see you soon, even though we knew we wouldn't.

She died a couple of days later. I'm glad we went. Ds1 was sad when she died, but he was ok.

If you think they can cope with it I would definitely take them.

Oh gosh, I'd bring them. Grief and loss are very much part of life and processing them are valuable life skills. But I'm Irish so I know we do things differently. When MIL was dying suddenly we brought DS - mainly because of the urgency we had no time to sort childcare. I explained that GM was dying, and that he should go in and kiss her good night if he wanted and tell her he loves her. He did, was glad that he got to say goodbye to her. He saw her laid out as well, as did his cousins and are absolutely fine. We talk about her often, he tells me when he's sad and we have a chat about it and that's all part of the process.
It was more confusing for him when his DGD passed suddenly. Circumstances meant that it was a closed casket which also meant that a goodbye in that instance or 'seeing' it wasn't possible and harder for him to process. Plus it was the first death in the family so he had lots of questions about burial /wakes etc that I answered.

This is about poor nan entirely. Ask her what she wants. But believe whatever answer she gives. She may not want them to go for any number of reasons. If so respect that. If she honestly wants to see them then take them.

My younger two were 5 and 9 when my mil, who they were close to, died of cancer. They visited regularly when she was at home and were completely natural and loving with her as she changed horribly fast from an apparently very fit grandmother who looked after them to being almost completely deaf, wheelchair bound and quite grumpy with adults but not with the kids, and of course she lost her hair. While she was at home they weren't scared at all - a little sad, but very loving (I'll never forget my ypungest removing her turban to kiss her bald head! Fortunately she found it sweet too!) and with lots of fun and laughter around her.

However they found the hospital really upsetting - my then 11 year old coped well and visited her multiple times in hospital, but my younger two were really upset by the two visits we took them on there and said she felt like a different person there and they didn't know what to say or do. It wasn't that she was dying, it was the place, even though it was a bright modern hospital and she was in a twin room not a big ward, and the staff were friendly.

So I don't think Id take a 4 and a 6 year old to a hospice sadly, even though I don't think children need shielding completely from the death of a much loved elderly relative.

As others say perhaps visit alone first and guage how she is and how home like or institutional the hospice feels.

I’ve been through this a few times, dd was 4 when DGF died, then 6 when both my DGMs died a few months apart, and 8 when DFIL died. We had different experiences around them all, dd saw all of them relatively close to the end but all were controlled and prepared for beforehand. And not necessarily very close to the end. But each was very Much welcomed by the older person, and dd was ok with them all -generally - but did ask not to visit 1 of those anymore at 1 point, which we respected (my DSis has taken it upon herself to bring DD into hospital with her rather than meet me outside after my visit as planned - DSis is not a parent and has a very “Pollyanna” view of the world, not realising how scary a hospital can be to a small person).

And different levels of involvement later for the funeral events (laid out at home, church night before funeral, funeral itself, burial and wake). Depending on circumstances on each occasion, family expectations and, most importantly, how DD felt at each particular time.

I think it very much depends. Have they given you an idea of what her prognosis is?

Heart failure is a very broad term and being sent home for palliative care only could mean anything from they can’t do anything more for her to she is desperately ill and will die shortly.

How old is she? Even in heart failure, if she makes it home death may not necessarily be iminent. I would find that out first. In heart failure she’s unlikely to be on morphine but more likely to be on strong beta blockers and might possibly be swollen from fluid retention.

If she’s home it’s possible she may be more debilitated e.g. unable to move very far without getting breathless, and may need some care rather than be confined to a hospital bed.

All these possibilities mean that the children’s responses will be different depending on how things are.

I would take them to see her. It will help them to process it. Especially the 6 year old, but possibly the 4 year old too