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To feel lonely

31 replies

venusia · 18/11/2020 01:09

I’m a single mum of a 14 year old and 10 year old. I moved here when DS was small, to make a better life for my kid. I met an English bloke and had DD with him but we split up when DD was a baby.

I work part time but don’t fit in at work. I have no friends.

I would like to get back with my ex. He has another partner now but she can’t have children. I can have children so I dream that he will come back to me because he wants more children.

I have tried internet dating but don’t get interest back from men I like. I don’t know what to do. DD dad said he will report me for abduction if I move home and take her with me. But I have no one here other than my kids.

OP posts:
Blossomhill4 · 18/11/2020 01:29

Now is not the easiest time to make friends but it is possible! Don’t you know any of the mums at your children’s school? What about your neighbours?

venusia · 18/11/2020 09:08

I moved house last year but the place where I am living is not a good area so I haven’t made friends with neighbours. I think the parents at school look down on me. My DD is friends with a girl from a wealthy family but her mother doesnt speak to me.

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Littlepiggiesinblankets · 18/11/2020 09:41

I think there's a few different issues in what you've said.

Firstly, I completely understand why you think that way about your ex, but it's really not a healthy way to think and it is almost certainly going to be holding you back from building a "new" life. It might be a good idea for you to look into some counselling for this. If he is threatening you with the police, it seems like that relationship is so broken that it couldn't be repaired anyway.

Secondly, have you spoken to a sollicitor about moving away? How often does your ex look after your DD? I am not saying that it is a good idea or possible, but it's not automatically impossible for you to move back home, but you would need permission from the courts and it would really have to be in the best interests of your child. It may well not be possible in your case, but would it help you to make peace with the situation if you had a clear answer?

Thirdly, are you keeping regular contact with family and friends back home? It can be hard to stay in touch if you are feeling depressed or anxious, but even virtual interactions can really give you a boost. At some point, you'll be able to meet up with them in person again, even though it feels like forever away.

Fourthly, it is such a difficult time to make friends (I have ADHD/autism so struggle anyway) but, for example, I have an interest in drawing and painting and have been doing an online portrait drawing competition (Sky's Portrait Artist of the Week) and posted my drawings and joined a related group on Facebook and it's really given me a boost feeling like part of a community. Is there something that you like to do in your free time that you could get involved on line? Like a writers' group, online craft club, an online forum for a certain sport, online choir? If you have a particular interest, someone on here may be able to suggest something.

Lastly, online dating can be brutal, don't think it's you.

Massive virtual hugs to you.

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venusia · 18/11/2020 11:55

Is seeing a solicitor free? I am on a low salary so I don’t think I can afford one. Ex has said that his parents will pay for a court order to stop me taking my DD to Poland as they do not want to lose their granddaughter.

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Littlepiggiesinblankets · 18/11/2020 16:08

You can talk to Citizens Advice and see if they can help you. I'm really sorry I confused your post with another as I thought you were talking about moving between England and Scotland. If you are talking about moving from UK to Poland, it is extremely unlikely that you would be able to move. But try Citizens Advice.

ZaZathecat · 18/11/2020 16:21

As well as shared interest groups, you may also try looking for Polish ex-pat groups (I assume you are Polish). There are Meetup groups for Polish ex-pats in some areas, or you could just Google Polish ex pat groups.
Obviously they won't be meeting in person at the moment, but maybe an online community in the meantime could lead you to making new contacts.

venusia · 18/11/2020 18:19

Thank you. I have had problems with childcare in the past because ex only had DD every other weekend and I had no childcare for my son as his dad is in Poland.

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venusia · 18/11/2020 18:20

I mean childcare made it difficult for me to meet people.

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Dugee · 18/11/2020 18:54

Could you see if you could buddy up with some other single parents in your area for support and maybe swap babysitting (so you can get out more when this is over)? Someone mentioned meet-up above, that would be a good place to start.

I can see why your ex and his family are against you taking your daughter to Poland as it may make it difficult for them to see her. As someone said above, if she is settled in school then you are unlikely to be able to prove that it is in her best interests for her to relocate, against her father's wishes. Unless there is more to the story.

venusia · 18/11/2020 19:01

It upsets me that ex has moved on and has a nice life with his new partner. I’m stuck in this house with two kids and no chance to make a life for myself.

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sparklepink · 18/11/2020 19:13

Hi OP, is there just one thing you could change? Focus on changing one thing, then quite often other things follow. For example - find a new job, or if you need to focus on getting healthy or take up a hobby or something. Make one change and the rest of things will start to shift. Don't focus on too many things. Oh and you need to try to get over your ex. Sounds like a nightmare. Move on with your life and focus on you! He doesn't deserve you!

venusia · 18/11/2020 19:42

It’s been difficult to get time as I am fully responsible for my son and ex only had DD every other weekend. Now my son is 14 then I guess I will have more time.

I’m sorry but I didn’t expect my life to be like this. I moved here with my son to make a better life but I’m unhappy and lonely and stuck here now.

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venusia · 18/11/2020 19:51

I have been doing all the childcare for my son and nearly all the childcare for DD and I don’t get any help from my son’s dad. My ex pays maintenance for DD but he said he won’t pay extra for my son as he isn’t his responsibility. I understand this but it just all seems so difficult sometimes. I just go to work and do kid stuff and housework and that is my life.

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sparklepink · 18/11/2020 22:10

could you get a new job?

venusia · 18/11/2020 22:25

I could try to get a new job but my employer is good at fitting in my shifts around school. I do four hours a day on four days a week.

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Dugee · 18/11/2020 22:26

What do you do OP? For work.

venusia · 18/11/2020 22:34

I work in a supermarket.

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Dugee · 18/11/2020 22:37

Well, as others have said, perhaps you could move jobs. There seem to be plenty of supermarket jobs around for those with experience. May be that will freshen things up and get you meeting new people.

I think you will find that your children develop their own social lives and will rely on you less and less, over the next few years. It's not long until your daughter starts high school.

venusia · 18/11/2020 22:48

It doesnt seem fair. I look at my ex and he now lives in a good house in a good area. DD has a bigger room there. He’s bought her a laptop and Adidas clothes but he won’t give me any more money. I have no money for nice things for my son and me.

He takes DD on holiday but I don’t have enough money to do nice things with my son.

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Dugee · 18/11/2020 22:53

Do your ex and his new partner both work? If they don't have children living with them then they won't have as many outgoings. I can see how this feels unfair, as you are doing the day to day drudgery part of childcare and he just does the treats at the weekend.

Dugee · 18/11/2020 22:54

Could you fit more hours in to earn a bit of extra money for holidays and treats?

venusia · 18/11/2020 23:01

They both work. I am stopped from working more because of childcare.

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Dugee · 18/11/2020 23:10

Ok, it sounds like you are in a bit of a rut but only you can change that. There have been some good suggestions on here. As someone above said, start by changing one small thing and see where it leads.

It sounds like you are jealous of your ex and his new lifestyle. Could you try not fixating on him and what he has?

Dugee · 18/11/2020 23:12

It sounds to me like you've decided that you should either get back with your ex or move to Poland. From what you have said, neither of those things are viable options. You're going to have to look at YOUR life and see how YOU can improve it.

venusia · 18/11/2020 23:17

This isn’t making me feel better. I’m the person who is stuck with children in a house in a bad area. I have no money left over for nice things. I never go on holiday. Is this it? Is this all I should expect from life?

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