This will be long, and I have name changed. I was going to PM you directly, but I think this is worthwhile to put here in case others are going through the same. There used to be threads on Parenting/teenagers board, about school refusal, there were quite a few going through it, maybe have a look there.
I went through two years of this with my DD, who was around 13/14 at the time, it was hell, my heart goes out to you, and I have the utmost sympathy for you and your daughter. There were times I was in a really dark place myself.
My daughters school refusal started when we moved location and she started a new school where she was seriously bullied, she was also really irrational and volatile, she going into 2nd year of secondary.
I, like you, went through every motion, from love bombing her to screaming like a crazy woman at her. We finally moved her out of the school as we hoped that would help her move on from the bullying and lack of support. Her attendance at the new school when she started for the first few months was 35%. the school implemented a reduced timetable, and all her teachers looked out for her and made her feel important, she struggled to make friends at the new school and just seemed to be still living the role of a victim of school bullying, in hindsight she was traumatised.
We took her to a counsellor, she just would not engage with her at all, and often refused to go in the door when we arrived there. Her anxiety was through the roof. The counsellor told us she suspected a personality disorder, I thought she had bipolar, as her moods were so erratic, I also thought autism. The honest truth is, and I am ashamed to admit it now, there were times I absolutely hated her for what she was doing to our family, to my health, to our marriage and to her sibling. I was in a constant state of stress.
We eventually got her seen by a psychiatrist, and that was the turning point, although it was a VERY, VERY slow turn.
The Psych said there was no way a personality disorder would be diagnosed before 18 (as a previous poster points out) but she did ask us to track her cycle for 3 months, she also had her tested for ADD, and did a heap of blood tests.
So she was diagnosed with ADD, (not hyperactive) which was one of the causes of her anxiety, she was also seriously anaemic (also affects moods, anxiety, exhaustion and headaches) she was diagnosed with dyslexia, and PMDD which was clear as day when we followed her cycle. The Dr. eventually ruled out autism. Her PMDD hit around day 14 of her cycle and would end the first or second day of her bleed. The change in her moods and the physical changes was so marked, it was night and day, even her facial expressions changed, hence why I suspected bipolar.
She had an iron infusion which changed her energy levels enormously, and stopped the palpitations, she was also diagnosed with lactose intolerance (regular nausea which we told her was caused by anxiety).She was prescribed a low dose of Zoloft and Birthcontrol pills for her PMDD and to stop her heavy periods to prevent anaemia, ADD medication to take when she has hectic days at school or tests and eliminate lactose from her diet.
She was very anti medication, we would bribe plead etc, initially she couldn't swallow pills, so that was really a struggle. She was about 15 at this point.
As she matured a bit, she seemed to realise life could be better and she began taking the medication regularly without us even having to prompt her. She is now in her final year of school and has had 100% attendance for the past two years, currently completing her UCAS application. She is absolutely lovely and caring and does heaps of charity work, I am so utterly proud of her and I still pinch myself that it turned out okay in the end. Just writing it out here is giving me stress just remembering how horrendous it all was.
So I would suggest you do all the tests, physical etc. If she has heavy periods it can cause anaemia, I never realised how awful the symptoms of anaemia can be, no wonder she couldn't get out of bed or concentrate in school, and the palpitations scared her.
The birth control pill (very specific ones only for PMDD) can also help moods. PMDD doesn't always necessarily start at day 14 or later, but there should be a least 1 week, usually during her bleed or soon after, where she is symptom free, for it to be PMDD.
Get her tested for ADD and learning difficulties, girls typically can mask it, and are often diagnosed much later.
Have her tested for autism.
Don't rule out medication, I used to tell my husband I would medicate myself before I would give her medication but her life is so much better since she started it. She is almost 18 now, has a lovely boyfriend, still struggles with friendships which I think is down to history and probably burning a few bridges over the years. But hopefully university will be a fresh start for her.
Please PM me if you have any specific questions.
PM me if you have any