School refusing dd(12)

[KrinklyBottom]

Sorry, I didnt know where to put this and I just don't know where to turn anymore. This is going to be long sorry, and I'll still probably not get everything in.

TL:DR dd refusing school, possible autism, has a meltdown every morning, dont know how to get her there.

Dd hated year 7 and would try to stay off whenever she could, which I obviously discouraged, but then lockdown happened and come September she has been refusing to go in most days. It started off with a girl threatening to "fight" dd. She stopped going and didnt tell me about this for a few weeks, but she finally did and school sorted it. Then it was the noise in class hurts her ears/everybody hates her/friends had fallen out with each other etc... Sadly not much can be done about this, though the school has tried as best they can (time out pass, spot checks on classes etc)

We're currently having cahms interviews via video chat, but it's only our 2nd one this week.

School keeps ringing me and telling me "dd has to come in" "you need to get her here" etc, but cant tell me how to. I've tried being nice, compromising, talking through it, getting her outside help, I've got shouty (not proud) I've punished, I've tried bribery...nothing works. Her attendance is under 50% now and pretty sure they've now referred me to the LA, so no doubt a fine is forthcoming.

I believe she has mild autism, and possibly bipolar and maybe even paranoia-she thinks everyone hates her at school. But things are moving so slowly with covid. I'm unsure whether this is intended behaviour or something to do with autism, or what. She did self harm last year for a bit (very superficial though). She can struggle with empathy sometimes. She gets irrational fears.

I'm honestly at the end of my tether and I've never suffered with my mental health luckily, but this is starting to crack me.

Does anyone have any advice or information or even just words of wisdom to help? I'm in England (NE) if that helps.

[Post edited at OPs request]

[KrinklyBottom]

@BB10 thank you for that. It's such an awful feeling knowing you're trying to get her to go to the place she despises and makes her so unhappy.
I know it's going to come to an end at some point and I honestly cant wait, I'm just going through the motions every day and just feel thoroughly depressed.

I am going to start tracking her periods and ask the doctor to run tests (will the gp do that, or will I need to go higher) because the anemia actually sounds like a possibility with tiredness, low moods etc.

When you say councillor, was that through cahms? Did they then refer you to the psychiatrist? I'm not so sure she has learning difficulties, she's quite bright and it's not the school work she is avoiding, its school itself.

I'm glad you are out the other side now, and that your dd is happy. That's all I want for mine.

[hiredandsqueak]

Dd fell apart in secondary. The one thing I feel I did right was to always fight her corner and refuse to force her to attend when she said she couldn't.
I hate the term school refusal because that implies that it's a choice not to attend but, for me, I feel it's a cry for help from a child no longer able to cope.
Had I sided with school (whose priority was attendance at all costs) I believe dd would have been more traumatised and our relationship damaged.
As it was I trusted my instincts and nurtured dd and put up with the school trying to strongarm me to make her attend and fight the LA for a change of placement.
Dd now attends an independent specialist school and her attendance is 100% (she attended throughout lockdown) and our relationship is undamaged because she trusts me and feels safe in the knowledge that I will do whatever it takes for her.

[KrinklyBottom]

@hiredandsqueak this is what I want. I want to fight my daughters corner, but I'm a people pleaser and find it really hard to push for stuff. Luckily my DP is a bit more forceful and can help fight for us. I broke down on the phone to cahms, and he had to take over and got her seen quicker than her original appointment.

[SofiaAmes]

I am confused by people saying that bipolar will not be diagnosed before 18. And then referring to a Personality Disorder. Bipolar is NOT a personality disorder, it is a Mood Disorder and CAN most certainly be diagnosed before 18. Borderline Personality Disorder, as an example, is a personality disorder and will not be diagnosed before 18.

Here are the NICE Guidelines for diagnosing and treating bipolar in children and adults.

My ds was diagnosed with bipolar at 12. He was reassessed numerous times and now at 20, he still remains with the bipolar diagnosis.

I am in the USA, where a child with this level of school refusal would be offered some online or alternative options by the school. Does this exist in the UK?

[hiredandsqueak]

@KrinklyBottom I don't give a fuck for anyone's feeling in comparison to dd's tbh so yes I've sent scathing emails to the school, to the LA to CAMHS. I've followed the complaints procedures for all three. I've got LGO rulings and compensation, written apologies from all of them, complaints investigated by DfE and accepted by Ofsted. I fight and would fight again because dd's wellbeing is worth so much more than school attendance figures and petty jobsworths tbh.
My tip would be request an EHC needs assessment now, communicate by email (it's important to have a trail of evidence) follow up every phone call with an email detailing what was discussed and the actions agreed and if you have to complain follow the complaints procedure to the letter.

[KrinklyBottom]

Can I ask, is a EHC worth going for at the minute if we're only into our 2nd cahms appointment? Theres not really been any progress or enough for the lady to diagnose... Not really had any other intervention except school, so not sure there will be sufficient evidence.

[PathOfLeastResitance]

All that’s been said previously is great but to add, if you google your area and ‘local offer’ there will be procedures and support for EBSA on there. In my area this would be done through the fair access team.

[hiredandsqueak]

An EHCP isn't based on the need for a diagnosis though it's dependent on needs and frankly if your child is traumatised by attending school then her needs need assessing and the provision to meet those needs needs determining.
Ds has had an autism diagnosis since she was two and a SSEN and then an EHCP which replaced them from before she was three but even with full time support it wasn't enough in mainstream secondary. To change that was a battle because our LA don't like funding out of county independent specialist school.
LAs have twenty weeks from request to issue but realistically to get a good EHCP you end up appealing which means it could be a year so best to start the process as soon as possible. Get support from IPSEA and SOSSEN and be prepared to appeal at every stage if you have to.

[KrinklyBottom]

Had our cahms (video) meeting this morning, which dd didnt really engage with her, so it was mostly me talking. The problem I have is cahms is telling me one thing (she cant help it, dont punish, shes masking in school) then school is telling me another (shes winding you up, you should remove her phone, shes fine in school) Cahms also said she doesn't believe a EHC is the way to go.

Dd did go in today after cahms, she had a wobble at the door, but she did it, which is a step forward, but we've been here before. Because she has gone in today, school says "look, she can do it" but they dont see the run up to her getting there or when she gets home.

[hiredandsqueak]

I think you should consider whether the advice you are given comes from the right place. CAMHS advice comes from health professionals with recognised qualifications in mental health and no hidden agenda regarding school attendance. School advice comes from education professional with a keen eye on attendance figures and no mental health qualifications.
It's easy when you look at it like that to decide what you should do.
As for whether or not dd needs an EHCP in much the same way that schools shouldn't advise on mental health needs likewise CAMHS have no idea on whether or not an EHCP is necessary.
Suffice to say EHCPs aren't handed out like smarties so there is absolutely no chance of securing one unnecessarily.

[KrinklyBottom]

@hiredandsqueak yes I know that. But I've also got her dad (my ex) agreeing with school and I'm not a fighter, I find it so so hard to push for things, which I know I need to toughen up for dds sake. Theres also a voice in the back of my head saying, what if they are right? What if she's really playing me? (Though I'm 99% sure she isn't)

[hiredandsqueak]

Ok, so if she is playing you, what is her aim? To not go to school? If school was a place where she felt comfortable then she would be happy to go particularly if she's getting grief from you and her father and school when she doesn't go or struggles to go. Is it really worth the grief she gets to play you?
I think very few dc would get themselves in a state in order to wind their parent up and I think if an ASD is suspected then your dd is more likely to be really struggling in an environment that isn't kind to her sensory wise, where she is feeling out of step with her peers as social relationships become more complicated and intense and where she has to work desperately hard just to appear to be "normal" alongside managing the anxiety of educational demands and the expectations of people who seem completely oblivious to her distress.
CAMHS obviously don't think she is playing you so as a parent you need to stop people pleasing and start to advocate for your child before she is irreparably damaged by school and your relationship suffers as well.

[RatherBeRiding]

Agree with hiredandsqueak. It's a hell of a lot of trouble for a child to go to just to 'wind you up'. And you say you're sure she isn't. Trust your instinct. Mother's instinct about their child is rarely wrong.

I'd also back CAMHS' advice over the school's. They know about these things in a way that the schools just don't, and as previously said they don't have the attendance box ticking agenda that the school will have.