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Original poster

I've made a massive mistake....

28 replies

bigmistake1 · 15/11/2020 18:49

DH and I separated about 12 months ago. I work full time and have 2 young children, 8 and 9, DS2 has SEN. Ex was no use whatsoever and saw the children very little so it was all left to me to try to juggle work in a very demanding job ( particularly since covid, we've been flat out.) I had no family nearby for support so I made the really difficult decision to move 300 miles away to the town where all my family live and who were desperate to help with childcare.

So it was new schools, new job for me, and supposed to be a new house. But the house build has been delayed, so we're staying with family.

It's been 3 weeks and I'm so miserable. My boys seem to have settled into their new school really well and seem happy, even though it's been a massive upheaval for them. I just can't stop crying. I miss my former life so much. Don't know what to do. It seemed such a good idea in theory.

OP posts:

TheStripes · 15/11/2020 18:53

I remember moving about 200 miles away and it probably took me two years to feel it was the right decision and that was without covid making everything so much more difficult. Hopefully given time you will be glad you moved.

NeverTwerkNaked · 15/11/2020 18:55

Give it time. I have felt like this every time I have moved. it is probably just a reaction to all the stress and pressure.

Halo1234 · 15/11/2020 18:56

Give yourself a chance. Its only been a few weeks. Change is always hard. A different life can feel daunting but I think all u need is time to get used to a new normal. Time to adjust and grief for the life u had planned. The kids are happy. U have support. Take it a day at a time. I think u will feel more settled in a few months. Xx

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RandomMess · 15/11/2020 18:58

Relocating is hard, be kind to yourself it takes time and Covid has made it hard to seek out friendship and support.

DianaT1969 · 15/11/2020 18:58

Honestly, it sounds as if you did the right thing. Give it time. Well done to your DC.

Lujie · 15/11/2020 19:18

You're likely to feel immensely better once you have your own home. However kind relatives are, it's so difficult feeling homeless. I did this too and wanted to run back. Changed massively once I moved to my own place. I've moved fairly big distances several times since and I know to expect to feel pretty awful at some point during the first months. But I also know now that it passes and that the move was for very good reasons. You will be ok especially with a lovely family to help you manage. Good luck

CrazyToast · 15/11/2020 19:20

You have been unsettled and you arent even in your own space yet so you can't find your routine etc. Plus you've had a load of unheaval in life recently. It's a shock to the system. Give it time. Once you're in your own house you'll feel better.

MadCatLady71 · 15/11/2020 19:23

It’s early days and these are strange times. The reasons underlying your decision to move are still valid, but it was always going to take time to settle into a new life, even without the complication of your house not being ready.

Take a deep breath. Remind yourself why you did this - and give yourself a huge pat on the back for being brave enough to do a really hard thing for the good of your family. It is going to take a little time to put down some new roots, but you will.

On the practical side - how well do you know the area which is now home? Whenever I move (and I recently changed countries) the first thing I do is find a dojo - my martial arts keep me sane, and I find like-minded people. What do you need to feel at home? What do you miss and how can you fill that gap?

mcmooberry · 15/11/2020 19:24

You will definitely feel better once in your own place with family as visitors. Moving is definitely depressing somehow even when it's a move to a better place. Good luck x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/11/2020 19:29

Have a safe ((hug)) it's probably all catching up with you, let it all out.
You've done really well, you have no doubt worked flat out to make things nice and stable for your boys.
Keep posting here if it helps, there is always someone ready to chat.

stovetopespresso · 15/11/2020 19:48

You sound courageous OP and you're working so hard. Amazing your kids are settled and happy so bank that as it's a credit to you, and try to look after yourself, do some things you enjoy, the little things count (watching something funny, connecting with friends online and reading a good book do it for me). Can you find an online group which is local for support? Good luck it sounds as if you're doing great, early days yet.

Ideasplease322 · 15/11/2020 19:49

Wow, well done, you have accomplished so much, managing the move, arranging new schools and a new job, juggling house purchases.

And all after a marriage break up.

You are exhausted.

It’s bound to take a while to adjust, it’s a huge change and it must be daunting.

But keep remembering why you did this, there will be a bumping patch, but it will all come together.

Make sure your get enough sleep, and take advantage of all that childcare help.

Classicbrunette · 15/11/2020 19:51

It is early days. It will get better it’s a shame you split up in such bad times, but it does get better. When you get your house it’ll be so worth it. It took me 4 years and a new house before I realised it was all worth it, and I came out of a long marriage.

user1843685313563 · 15/11/2020 19:53

3 weeks is nothing and grieving is normal, even after a much longed for change. Not just for what you physically left behind but for your dreams and hopes you once had for your future with your ex.

Give yourself time and kindness. It will pass.

MessAllOver · 15/11/2020 19:54

It doesn't sound like you've made a mistake. Your reasons for moving are very valid. It's going to take time to adjust and of course you are going to grieve for your own life. It will be better in your own place when you can have a cry and a bath in peace.

Bonkersornot · 15/11/2020 20:12

A few years ago we made a much longed for move (on my part) back to where I grew up and nearer my family from where I had been living for several years. I completely underestimated how difficult it would be moving away from an area where I had a lot of friends, had been settled in work and had my first child.
I was miserable for the first few months despite being near my parents. We even came very close to moving back again but I reminded myself of why we had made the move and stuck it out. I’m so glad we did and wouldn’t change it at all now... having family around to see our children grow up has been lovely. As time went on I made a fantastic new network of friends. I do still sometimes miss where we moved from and people especially but make an effort to keep in touch and visit when we can.
It’s extremely early days OP and the fact you’re not yet in your own home coupled with current circumstances will make it tougher...but keep thinking of the bigger picture and why you did it and in time it’ll come together ..... good luck and be kind to yourself.

Original poster

bigmistake1 · 15/11/2020 21:38

Thank you for all your kind words. Someone mentioned crying in the bath; well I've been crying in the shower as it's the only time I get privacy.
I agree it will be better when we're in our own house. It doesn't help that my new job is 100% home based currently which I'm not used to, and means I hardly get out at all.
Having said my boys were happy, well my oldest was in tears at bedtime tonight, telling me how much he misses his own school and friends.
Oh and someone mentioned being exhausted. I hadn't realised until I read that, but I am. Absolutely exhausted. Unfortunately I can't be with my new job ( which I currently hate) and am worried I'm under performing.

OP posts:

Dowser · 15/11/2020 22:45

Are you missing your husband at all

Ideasplease322 · 15/11/2020 23:07

Everyone worries they are underperforming in a new job. You are very, very new.

And wfh makes it harder to learn the ropes. I have changed jobs and got a whole new team while wfh. It has been stressful and exhausting and I worry every minute that I am underperforming.

You have soo much on your plate at the moment, be kind to yourself, it will all come together.

Crying actually makes me feel better sometimes.

Original poster

bigmistake1 · 21/11/2020 21:59

It's getting worse. The last week of work has been awful. I hate, hate hate my new job. I want to leave but am in the process of buying a new house and need to pay the mortgage. The whole idea of changing jobs was to be with my children more but it's not working out like that. What can I do? Only 2 weeks into the job? My anxiety is through the roof. I was sobbing down the phone to a friend today who said she thought I was having a breakdown.

OP posts:

Mumtumwobble · 21/11/2020 22:07

It’s always horrible when you start somewhere new - you don’t know who anyone is, what the expectations are or what you’re supposed to be doing. I’m sure all of this is made a thousand times worse by just working from home all the time. Give it some more time. You haven’t been there long at all. I’m sure it’ll get better in time.

HungryPies · 21/11/2020 22:18

I'm sorry you're feeling so low but things will get better. I went through an awful phase in the first lockdown this year with a new job and I was very close to a breakdown. You know things will get better when you get your house and the children settle more, and when things get a bit more back to normal in general, but for now I think talking to someone might help you. It really helped me. Does your job offer any sort of employee assistance programme? If not ring the samaritans or look for a local mental health drop in centre in your area?

Mischance · 21/11/2020 22:21

It is very early days. You are trying to make connections and feel a part of a new community and new job role during a lockdown.

You are now nearer your family - do they know how you are feeling? Can you talk with them?

AIMD · 21/11/2020 22:33

Bloody hell you have had a lot going on! No wonder you feel at breaking point.

I’m sure things will feel better with the move once you have your own space and have had time to settle in and get used to being in the new schools etc.Your job is still really new too.

Can you go out to meet up with a friend for a walk tomorrow? Get away for a bit and share how you are feeling.

Sounds like everything is at the hardest point possible at the moment but things will settle. This hard bit is only temporary.

Ideasplease322 · 21/11/2020 22:36

Okay, you have a huge amount on your plate at the moment. It sounds overwhelming.

It sounds like you are having anxiety attacks. They hit me and I cry uncontrollably. I have had counselling, and while it isn’t a solver bullet it has helped just calm thing down and normalise some of what I am feeling.

And what you are feeling is totally normal. You are unhappy, scared, exhausted, stressed. Everything has changes and you are responsible for holding everything together.

But this will pass, it will all settle down, you just need to find ways to get through this rocky time.

Be kind to yourself.

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