How to be ‘less intense’ personality-wise ?

[Truly2435]

I know I’m intense and in some ways that has benefited me with work, being productive and so on but I know socially, it overwhelms people.

What things would make you think a person is too intense and any tips for behaving less intense?

Please don’t tell me ‘love yourself, the right people will love your intensity etc’ as I personally want to change too. I know I’ll never become a completely non-intense person but at least if I can get to some sort of mid-point, that would be great.

Oh gd I'm intense too and I know it puts people off. For me it's usually political subjects and I know I can be a bit full on having to explain my "side" but it can be other things too (e.g. certain celebs, tabloids' right to free speech etc).

Which is why I try as much as possible to keep away from those but if someone insists I find it hard not to get sucked in. It would be easier if I could learn just how to discuss them in a non-intense way!

Sorry I don't have any actual advice but hoping we'll get some!

In what ways are you too intense. This is a very wide spectrum of behaviour. I've got a few people in mind who are intense but in very different ways. Also what kind of job do you do? This might give people an idea of how you're intense.

Dont get drawn into discuss your intense subjects.

Just say Mmm maybe you're right.

Save your intensity for those who appreciate it!

So some of the people I'm thinking of its not intense subjects. I'm very interested in politics and social issues. It's more their manner. So that's why I think it matters in what way you feel you're intense.

Someone who I would consider intense would be or do some of the following:

• talk non stop, not allowing others to talk
• have strong views and try to push them onto others
• always be on the go and needs to be busy all the time
• someone overly emotional
• someone grumpy and miserable about life

What aspects of your personality and behavior do you consider to be intense? Your self aware about being intense which is a good start if you want to change!

Learn to read people better.
If your taking stop and pause.
Learn how to let it go.

DH can be a bit intense. I just ignore him.

For me it would be ‘don’t have adhd’, not going to happen.

I am trying to be more mindful of others and my impact on them, to ask more questions and listen more. I am trying to be less emotional but repression is also harmful! I think there is a balance to be struck and we need to accept ourselves but also accept that not everyone needs to like us and sometimes that is not your problem if someone doesn’t warm to you - they aren’t your kind of person, and that’s ok. Find your tribe etc.

@Truly2435

Wow reading your post made me feel stressed. I hate being cornered by someone who is ‘intense’ by which I mean encroaches on my personal space, doesn’t let things go, examines all of my utterances forensically as if I were in court under oath and feels the need to share all their opinions with me in detail. If this is you and you are genuinely looking for advice I suggest the following:

1. Treat your deeply held opinions like facts about your bowel movements - most of us really don’t need to know the detail. We know you have them because we all do. Just some of us are polite enough not to share them, especially in social situations.

1. Just close your mouth, stop the words coming out and listen instead. Seriously, just try it. Enjoy the silence if no one talks, it won’t hurt.

1. Literally take a step back Build a little more personal space between you and whoever you are talking to.

1. If you think you are being intense, apologise and change the subject.

Are you someone who doesn't really have conversations? Rather it's more like a debate? If so, that is very off-putting.

How oldish are you? I think I was intense and am now too tired to be arsed to be intense. Im heading to my mid 40s.

Please explain what you mean by ‘intense’, at work and in personal relationships.

For me, with respect to work it brings to mind people who’re serious, work long hours, driven and hardworking, task focused, but don’t get on too well with other people at times and/or give the impression they’re stressed.

In social circumstances would associate it with someone with v strong opinions who wanted to talk a lot about them, or themselves. And/or who wanted to progress friendships/sexual relationships to their idea of what they should be, and when.

I feel like I'm a bit too intense so I'm interested in this too. I get very passionate about things I care about and I'm not very good at small talk, find it boring, I prefer deep discussions or nothing at all. I don't like that any myself and really wish I could just chit chat and be less intense. I try my best but it's hard to change your intrinsic personality.

I'd advise to keep chat light, listen more and not to be too full on too early.

I find my brother rather intense. A conversation with him is always quite ‘heavy’ even when it’s not about a serious subject.

Do you smile much, OP?

My friend's DH is intense. By far the cleverest person I know, but you can't just have some chit chat with him. A passing small talk comment, "nice weather" etc, you get a speech on why the weather has not been nice, climate change and also probably how the word "nice" is overused.

Thanks everyone so far. By intense I guess I mean I ask a lot of questions, I feel like I need to ask the question as soon as I think of it, I’m very very analytical etc

Perhaps work on self control, making yourself pause before replying, making sure you don't talk for more than a minute or so without letting the other person speak.

My ds had issues this way a a youngster, and we made him count, for every point he made, he had to let the other make a point, and then allow the other person to lead the conversation.
We also had him practice checking his watch, subtle ish, to make sure he hadn't talked too long.
We also pointed out that a conversation has to go two ways or else it becomes a lecture.

Horses for courses takes all sorts.

Unless you have had more than a few people saying they find you a bit much, and not in a smiley way, in eg work. Then don't worry about it.

Boring people never post this stuff do they.

Also I'm guessing men worry about this stuff less than women on the whole.

You are who you are. So you have friends? Do more people like you than not? You're successful at work you can't be that awful.

If you really want advice then give a few more specific examples? As everyone will read the op and be basing it on people they know etc and may be way off the mark of how you are iyswim

Some people like that though op.

What has anyone actually said? Has it been raised in performance reviews? Have multiple people said they find you unsettling?

Everyone is different. If you are just feeling this because a few people are or something. That's not enough to rewrite your personality! I mean there must be people you find hard going. That's life right? Rich tapestry and whatnot.

You don’t sound at all ‘intense’, OP, you sound socially awkward and overly-dependent on questioning other people in conversation. Try to see it not as a personal characteristic, but a bad habit, like biting your nails.

I totally understand, OP. I am also intense, and some people don't enjoy that. I'm a lot more intense if I'm hyperaware of it, which tends to happen in situations where I'm not comfortable. It took me a long time, but I finally realised that if talking to a particular person makes me uptight and likely to over-explain/go on too much, that dynamic isn't a good one and I should step back a bit for the sake of my blood pressure. Could that be happening with you sometimes? It's worth keeping an eye on when you feel like that and seeing if there are any common denominators.

It's also true that "intense" is a relative term. I'm too intense for some people, and others are too intense for me. In the end I moved to a country where people are generally a lot more intense, and now I have the reputation of being terribly calm. It's a drastic measure but it did work!

Thanks everyone so far

Bump

Stop questioning people in conversation. A couple of people I know do this, and it's exhausting.

I agree with a pp, I don’t think that’s ‘intense’, you just need to work on your social skills — listen more, and stop peppering people with questions. Conversations shouldn’t be like Stasi interrogations.