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Only Child

30 replies

tt3t · 08/11/2020 22:00

I've been considering not having anymore children, but just can't decide. If you don't mind me asking, what's your reason for only having one child, or having more than one child?

OP posts:
BibbityBobbityBellend · 08/11/2020 22:13

Will a second child increase or decrease your quality of life? I have one. My purse, my patience and my relationship are wonderful with one but would crumble with two. DDwould suffer as a result. I'd love to have more but it's not worth the risk.

Merename · 08/11/2020 22:21

I just couldn’t let my child be an only, based on my own feelings of how important having a sibling was to me. I also disliked having only one sibling and always wished I had more, which influences my thinking. It’s very special to see the kids enjoying one another, and I think they both benefit in multiple ways from their relationships with each other. I’m not sure it would improve my quality of life to have a third but I am very keen and a big factor is imagining all these relationships between them all and us. But it’s so personal and I didn’t have any doubts about having more, if you do you are right to explore.

AriesTheRam · 08/11/2020 22:24

1 child here.Shocking birth and id never put myself through that again.Im 40 now and feel like I'd be too old plus a 7 year age gap.

sqirrelfriends · 08/11/2020 22:26

@BibbityBobbityBellend

Will a second child increase or decrease your quality of life? I have one. My purse, my patience and my relationship are wonderful with one but would crumble with two. DDwould suffer as a result. I'd love to have more but it's not worth the risk.
@BibbityBobbityBellend exactly this. Also I don't know if I could do the sleepless nights again, the first time almost broke me without having an additional child to care for.
newtothenet · 08/11/2020 22:27

I'm an adult only child and I hate it so I had two children. But my friend was also an only child and loved it so much she deliberately only had one child. I think it's all down to individual experience - neither option is better or worse than the other.

TableDesk · 08/11/2020 22:28

I'm an only and have an only.
You don't miss what you never had in the sense of "missing" a sibling.
I only worry about when DS is older and possibly has to make hard decisions for m about me ie nursing home etc But I plan to have an airtight document so he is not put under any pressure to "do the right thing"

BlackeyedSusan · 08/11/2020 22:32

I am an only as dad was not. my children are two as I was not.

its swings and roundabouts really. both have advantages and disadvantages, strengths and weaknesses. Being an only was ok most of the time. I think I liked it growing up. no annoying siblings. some things were shit though, but I guess having an annoying sibling can be shit too.

Ragwort · 08/11/2020 22:33

I just wouldn't have had the emotional energy to cope with more than one child, I think being a parent is incredibly draining, I am someone who needs a lot of. time on my own and having to be 'available' to more than one child would have been overwhelming. My DS is 19 now, he has never said he would have liked a sibling, is very confident and outgoing with a wide circle of friends.

My DM is any only child, she too has a huge circle of friends, incredibly active social life - even at 88 !

Having siblings doesn't always mean you will get on well together - I have siblings, but we are not particularly close ... no fallings out, just very different sorts of people.

fabulous40s · 08/11/2020 22:44

For me, once they get over 2 they become play mates and it’s easier as they play together. When we go on holiday, the kids run off together and gives me and DP more time together. Was a real eye opener going camping this year with my friends and their only child - far more work with one!

Bajalaluna · 08/11/2020 22:46

I thought I only wanted one, dd2 was a "surprise", and honestly I just couldn't imagine life without her. My absolute favourite part of being a parent is watching the children interact with eachother, and I now can't believe that we would have stuck with one and not experienced that. But if I'd never had her, I wouldn't know would I, so maybe we would be equally happy? I just feel like there would be a huge emptiness in our family if we didn't have dd2. I also feel like parenting two is probably easier than one most of the time as they entertain eachother so well... We get a lie in every weekend where they take themselves off to play together for ages, and listening to them giggling and playing is the best. I can't imagine what dd1 would do without her tbh.

Spied · 08/11/2020 22:55

I had two DC as I grew up as an only myself.
I had a happy childhood overall but would have loved a sibling to share life with.
My relationship with my mum wasn't great at times and I felt a lot of pressure being the only one. I would have liked someone to share the good and the not so good.
As an adult I would also love to have a sibling. Again, I think it's a support and a bond. Parents getting older, losing loved ones and having a family of my own. I would also love to be an Auntie and have a sibling to have an aunt/uncle relationship with my DC.
I do however recognise having a sibling doesn't mean we would necessarily have a good relationship and many siblings don't get on.

Annabanana455 · 09/11/2020 11:52

More than likely we are sticking at one. Reasons being:

  • I’m older (nearly 40)
  • Worry I wouldn’t cope with more (I have anxiety & a couple of other issues, DH works very long hours so the parenting bulk does fall to me)
  • worry about having a subsequent child with additional needs. Especially because I’m older and I’ve seen this happen to a couple of friends acquaintances (I’m talking very serious needs)
  • DH and I are both introverts and need alone time
  • I like having one and being about to focus on activities suitable for her and what she wants to do, don’t have a compromise to accommodate a younger sibling / sibling with different interests
  • no money worries with one. Currently considering private school
  • I’m not close to my own sibling. Like a previous poster said, no fallings out we are just very very different
  • I know several people whose siblings have actually caused them quite a lot of stress / heartbreak / trauma in their lives (obviously I know people who are great friends with their siblings too)
  • was sick for most of my pregnancy, not sure I could do that again, and it would be awful with a toddler too!
  • I’m enjoying DD more with each day that passes. I’ve always suspected I would enjoy older kids more than babies / toddlers. Not sure I want to repeat baby stages.
  • I’m simply not broody. When I hear a friend is having another child, my first reaction is usually “why?” Followed by relief it’s them not me!
  • giving a child a sibling is not a good enough reason to bring a person into the world
RuthW · 09/11/2020 12:04

I'm an only child. I have an only child who is 23. It was always going to be that way. I can't understand why anyone wants more than one.

If you are happy with one, then stick with it.

chopc · 09/11/2020 12:50

Several of my friends and my husband are only children. Whilst all had happy upbringings all wish they had a sibling. Especially as parents get older they wish they had someone to share the caring responsibilities. Not a good reason I know. I have two siblings and am virtually estranged from one - however when push comes to shove I know there will be two people fighting my corner and me theirs

PaperMonster · 09/11/2020 12:58

I have one because my msk system would not have coped with another pregnancy - otherwise I’d have loved more!

TheSeedsOfADream · 09/11/2020 13:02

I'm an only daughter of an only child father and have an only child.
I was also almost 40 when she was born, that isn't unusual here tbh (Italy) and I might have had another had we had the money. But we didn't, so it was never going to be a decision that really needed talking about.
It's all good.

showgirl · 09/11/2020 13:02

The ability to have a second child is not always there for many people. Including me. Wish people would think about this before extolling the virtues of having more than 1 child.

Takethewinefromtheswine · 09/11/2020 13:03

I do find it a little irritating, the expectation that having an only child needs to be justified. I didn't want more children, so I didn't have them. My db is a twat and has been since the day he was born, I would not inflict a sibling on anyone. I like having one and I know I would not have liked having more.

Glenthebattleostrich · 09/11/2020 13:06

I have an only child. Unexplained secondary infertility.

I hate it, DD would love a sibling bit now I'm in my 40snthats not going to happen. Honestly find it hard but we make the best of it.

EKGEMS · 09/11/2020 13:39

Almost died carrying my one and only baby-child is special needs and couldn't risk it again and leave my DH and son to fend for themselves

Christmasbiscuit · 09/11/2020 13:44

I split from my child's dad then was in a long term relationship that never progressed and now single so I have an only. I always wanted 2 but I don't get down about having only 1 as I absolutely hated being 1 of 5. I felt my parents never knew what was going on in my life as they were too busy. My 8yo and I are really close. Holidays and days out for the 2 of us are much cheaper so we are always busy!

KittyWithStripes · 09/11/2020 13:48

I have 1 child, and love it that way! We’re very close and she’s never seriously asked about having siblings.

Have noticed that most children’s fiction characters are only children so there’s no shortage of good role models 🥰

Kokeshi123 · 09/11/2020 13:51

The ability to have a second child is not always there for many people. Including me. Wish people would think about this before extolling the virtues of having more than 1 child.

It really, really, really is not reasonable to expect parents of two or more kids to refuse to talk about their reason for having another child, when asked, on the grounds that "This might upset people who can't have more than one child." Seriously.

I almost stopped at one but had a last minute baby, so have seen both sides of the issue.

Life is generally easier, less stressful and less expensive during the childrearing years if you stop at one. On the other hand, there is a worrying sense of "eggs in one basket" if you only have one child. I know a couple of people who lost an adult child later on. In one case, there was a sibling. It wasn't that one sibling "made up for" the death of another, but it meant that the parents still had a family to bring them joy, something to go on living for, and grandchildren. In the case of the other family, where there were no other children, it was like a big void had been left in their lives and nothing really to fill it. It was a very sad situation.

On the other hand, it's also a rare situation, so I wouldn't recommend having a second child purely for those reasons. My own reasons were mainly that "Wow, my daughter is growing up, I'll be an empty nester in just over 10 years at this rate... I'm not ready for that, I want to do the whole childrearing thing again!"

Itsagrandoldteam · 09/11/2020 13:54

Both my son and myself both almost died when he was born, I was never going to put my husband through that again.

He is 17 now and says he is very happy that he is an only child.

There are advantages and disadvantages, I actually always wanted a large family, but I'm just grateful to have had a child, I have a few friends who couldn't have any children.

Christmasbiscuit · 09/11/2020 13:54

@Kokeshi123 what's your age gap if you don't mind me asking? I suppose there's a chance I might have a 2nd in future but my first will likely be a teen.

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