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Original poster

How do you deal with people treating your DC unequally?

28 replies

NotExactlyMrsCurrentAffairs · 08/11/2020 21:27

I have two DC, ds1 is a teenager, very outgoing, confident, chatty and very sociable. There's a 6 year age gap between him and ds2.
It was recently his birthday, he was showered with gifts, cards and messages, from family and friends. He also has a very close bond with his GM (mil).
It's ds2's birthday after Christmas, he is quieter, shy, not as chatty and more introvert than his brother, he never gets as many cards, gifts or messages. Some family members that send ds1 birthday cards and presents never even acknowledge ds2's birthday, he's completely forgotten by them. He's getting to the age now (9 on next birthday) where he's starting to notice these inequalities and I don't know what to do about it. Last week he was getting quite upset talking about the close bond ds1 has with his GM and that he doesn't see her as often as ds1 does.
I have mentioned it to Dh on several occasions but it falls on deaf ears, it's on his side of the family, not my side, that treats them like this and it's not fair. What can I do, if anything? About this.

Any advice appreciated

OP posts:
MunchBunchYoghurt · 08/11/2020 21:32

Aw your poor son. People can be mean.
Whilst that doesn’t happen to my children I was basically your DS2 growing up when it CWM to my auntie & uncle.
They thought (and still think) my sister is the only niece they have. She has always been very confident and social and I have always been shy and reserved.
All that’s happened is that I have nothing to do with them now. We don’t acknowledge each other in the street even.

Tyzz · 08/11/2020 21:38

My niece sent extravagant birthday presents every year for DS1 and nothing, not even a card for DS2. For 21 years.
I tried making sure she knew.
I thought things might change when she had her own DC.
Nothing.
Of course DS2 did notice once he got to 6 or 7 and it was difficult to explain.
I could understand the odd birthday being forgotten but this was so consistent it must have been deliberate.

Original poster
NotExactlyMrsCurrentAffairs · 08/11/2020 21:55

It's noticable in their savings accounts too, obviously ds1 has had more birthdays and christmases than ds2 but even so, I always pay their gifted monies into their bank accounts and there is a significant difference in the two.
I feel so sad for ds2.
I think this is just how it is for him and it won't ever change.

OP posts:

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NiceGerbil · 08/11/2020 21:58

Oh wow that's terrible.

Why doesn't your DH do something? Is it that he doesn't notice the difference, or that he does but doesn't want to talk about it with them?

NiceGerbil · 08/11/2020 21:59

There's going to be a big difference in savings as one is 6 years older... Don't understand that bit?

Original poster
NotExactlyMrsCurrentAffairs · 08/11/2020 22:04

@NiceGerbil

There's going to be a big difference in savings as one is 6 years older... Don't understand that bit?
Yes, I understand there should be as ds1 has had more birthdays and christmases etc. Than ds2 But even taking that into consideration, there is a vast difference in the two amounts.
OP posts:
Original poster
NotExactlyMrsCurrentAffairs · 08/11/2020 22:07

@NiceGerbil

Oh wow that's terrible.

Why doesn't your DH do something? Is it that he doesn't notice the difference, or that he does but doesn't want to talk about it with them?

He's mentioned things to his step dad hoping it will filter through to mil but not said anything direct to her or the other family members.
OP posts:
Rory786 · 08/11/2020 22:27

At least you are aware of it...I would keep on at DH. He needs to deal with it and I hope you can have a lovely party for your DS.

NiceGerbil · 08/11/2020 22:44

If it's all of his side doing it that's a bit odd.

I mean there's stuff like, if the first DS was the first GC or other dynamics then it can happen subconsciously. Like he's in their heads more than the other one. I doubt it's intentional if across all of them, so points to something else which they probably aren't even aware of.

The age gap is also pertinent in that people tend to spend more as children get older. If DC are say 15 and 11 and the 15yo gets more, maybe DC2 will get that at 15.

Or. Does DC1 have s definite gift list? Last birthdays fil chipped in a fair bit of cash towards a big present for DC2. DC1 got a bookmark from s charity shop 😃 He will buy what asked but if not it gets really random and often hilarious.

Hard to say without knowing them, you know.

If you think it's deliberate on their side that's massive weird and horrible. I suspect it's not though.

Why doesn't dh talk to his mum rather than his step dad?

Stompythedinosaur · 09/11/2020 14:17

Dbro did this for a couple of years, I think not due to favouritism but rather that one of the dc has a birthday at a busy time of year and he forgot. We had a chat about it, I suggested that he didn't need to send gifts for either dc, but that it was difficult to send for one and not the other, he said he didn't want to stop and has sent a gift for both ever since.

So basically, have a chat if they are otherwise a caring family member.

If you feel it is deliberate then I'd probably be distancing myself.

Freddiefox · 09/11/2020 14:33

My Nan treated my brother very differently. By the end I was indifferent to her which I realise now is a shame.
I also hold a bit of a grudge towards but my parents for letting her show favouritism so blatantly.

You and your dh need to speak up, if dh won’t better to damage your relationship with you mil than your ds

lifestooshort123 · 09/11/2020 14:36

I'd have to ask what they're playing at! It's a mean and nasty thing to do. Your DH needs to speak firmly to his mother about it until she gets the message and then she can pass it on to the rest of her family. If he hasn't got the balls then threaten to do it yourself - even better, write to her so you know she understands. I'm so sad on his behalf.

Lilac95 · 09/11/2020 14:47

This happened to me as a child, I was the youngest grandchild and the forgotten one. Many birthdays with late/no gift or card or presents that didn’t match what others had. It was brought up and nothing ever changed. I always knew I wasn’t wanted by them and came to understand that I was fine, I didn’t want them either. But your son is till young, I’d have a word and see what happens. If nothing resolves I’d put my foot down, perhaps even send DS1 gifts back and say it’s one rule for all not just him. And if you feel that’s too harsh then when DS2 is of an understanding age you explain what’s happened, how you tried but couldn’t solve it and your sorry for their actions. Perhaps showing DH/MIL the bank balance difference will trigger something and they’ll realise.

Bluejewel · 09/11/2020 14:52

Have a word calmly and quietly and see if anything changes ... one of my children is charismatic - the other isn’t - so I understand the problem .

MiniMum97 · 09/11/2020 16:03

I can't believe people do this. That's awful.

God it's difficult but I think I might be intervening in the gifts for my eldest. Maybe returning them to the relatives with a note that says either both of them or neither of them. Thank you for the thought. Likely to cause some upset and possibly confrontation though depending on the family members.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/11/2020 16:11

I wouldn't be having that. I would refuse to accept the gifts. There is 6 years between my 2 ds's. Dp isn't actually the eldest biological father, his family still give birthday and Christmas presents equally. I would tell them where to ram their gifts.

GetTheStartyParted · 09/11/2020 16:38

There is a similar age gap between my DS's. My eldest is the shy but favoured one.
I've tried so many things to try and highlight how unfair it is.

It was my youngest DS's 12th birthday recently and from my husbands side of the family, only FIL gave him a card and some money. MIL and DH's five siblings didn't bother at all.

I am honest with DS about it, I tell him it's a shame that they haven't seen how awesome he is, he's such a fun and loving boy, they have really missed out.

pallisers · 09/11/2020 16:51

if your dh hasn't the balls to say it to his mother (why wouldn't he??) then if I were you I'd say it - as nicely as possible but say it. Say, look I'm sure you don't mean to do it but you make far more of a fuss of ds1 than ds2 and he is beginning to notice it. I want both my boys to know how much you love them.

I am so grateful to my MIL who makes no difference with her grandchildren.

MimiSunshine · 09/11/2020 17:01

You have 2 options.

  1. The more direct route of stop waiting for your husband to say anything. He hasn’t, he isn’t going to.
Yes they are his side of the family. But your the mother of your child and so you need to step in if he won’t.

Call MIL up and explain that DS2 now notices that he is treated differently and he feels less loved. Do it now before it’s too close to Christmas and his birthday.

See what she says but if she starts to deny it then give examples and say while it may not be intentional you feel it has to change.

Intercept the next lot of presents and if it hasn’t changed then return some meant for DS1 and explain again.

  1. Send a wish list / suggestions for DS2 to everyone who buys for DS1 and just simply put something like ‘some ideas For if they struggle to know what to get him’ and then see what happens or what they say.
Trumpyouredone · 09/11/2020 20:11

@NotExactlyMrsCurrentAffairs

It's noticable in their savings accounts too, obviously ds1 has had more birthdays and christmases than ds2 but even so, I always pay their gifted monies into their bank accounts and there is a significant difference in the two. I feel so sad for ds2. I think this is just how it is for him and it won't ever change.
Can you top ds2 money up yourself so it looks like he received the same?
TeamLannister · 09/11/2020 20:22

If your DH won't tackle his mother/family then you should. Either she treats DS2 as well as DS1 or his presents get returned & no cosy contact. Otherwise you are enabling her treating DS2 like a second class citizen. Can't for the life of me understand why anyone would behave like that to their own grandchildren. What a bitch!

NullcovoidNovember · 09/11/2020 20:26

Op I wouldn't left this drift you need to say something.

Try and be polite... But crisp.

Dear all, thanks for the beautiful gifts for blah, she loved them. We are very grateful...

However, I don't know if you ate aware but dc2 doesn't get as many gifts or as much attention on his bday or Xmas and he is at age where he is starting to notice the difference.

I don't want to dictate what you give to the dc but I must insist they are given equality or nothing at all.

NullcovoidNovember · 09/11/2020 20:29

Get, I don't point out when my dc don't get stuff from the aunts etc.

I have only did it once on 1 famed occasion that would out me.

nicky7654 · 09/11/2020 20:57

If only one of your children got a present from a family member I would give it back. I would never let my kids be treated differently as they will grow up feeling inferior.

GetTheStartyParted · 10/11/2020 11:08

I haven't pointed it out but he is observant enough to notice that the month before his birthday, his brother got half a dozen visitors bringing him gifts for his birthday, whereas they don't even visit around hisSad When he mentions it, I don't make excuses for them.

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